DS has had a public outburst at his dad over facebook

[Kushanku]

DS1 has a dodgy relationship with his father. As he was growing up, his dad made it obvious he really didn't give a shit about him, he has pulled him down a fair bit, never been to any school plays, acheivement assemblys, sports competitions and never calls him or makes an effort with him. He has started to improve lately but DS is now 11 and I think its too late. He's totally turning against his dad, calls him all the names under the sun, begs me not to send him there, makes it obvious he doesn't want to be there when I do sent him and basically just slags off his father at every oportunity.
Tonight however, he went one step further and posted this on facebook:

"If you have nothing positive to say to me, shut the hell up and stop trying to bring me down just because I'm going to be more successful than you are".

Someone asked him who it was aimed at and he put:

"My dad, he pisses me off because all he ever does is pull me down, slag me off and act negatively towards me. Whenever I do anything good he doesn't give a damn."

Needless to say, his dad has seen it and is not too happy. TBH I can totally understand why DS is upset, he treats his girlfriends kids better than DS and once last year said he had no money to take DS anywhere and took his girlfriends kids to Alton Towers that same week. Lately, DS has been trying to get a positive reaction from him regarding the work he's done on the computer and his dad has shown very little interest. At the weekend, his dad told him he was big headed and that he will get beaten up one day for thinking he's better than everyone else. He then stood by and watched as his girlfriend launched a tirade at DS saying he's not as good as he thinks he is and will ammount to nothing as there are a million kids out there cleverer than he is.

So yeah, of course DS is pissed off but facebook wasn't exactly the best outlet for it. I've made him take it off but what now? surely its time this was addressed now?

Has the gf also looked into how much it will cost them in court fees and sanity to take you to court over this? Just ignore comments like that, they are designed to intimidate and bully you.

Your ds was so desparate to be heard, by YOY and your Ex. PLease listen to him.

Ask him what he wants to do now. When he says he doesn't know ask him what he hoped his FB posting would achieve.

If it was purely to vent his anger then let him vent. Speak to your doctor/school and get him some councelling to help him through this.
If it was to get his dad's attention tell him he got it now what is he intending to do with it. And then explore that as he probably hasn't thought very much further.
If it was to make his dad see and stop then you have to seriously consider stopping the visis, s this posting was as much a cry to help to you as a message to his dad.

You could point out that his dad has been trying, and that is he sure it's too little too late. If he's anything like I was as a child (not saying he is) then he may well be pushing him away hoping he won't let him go. Wanting him to stand up and say 'you're my ds and I love you and am sorry I hurt you'. It's unlikely you ex will say that, but perhaps you could suggest some family councelling to include you and your ex, as well as individual councelling for your ds to help work this out.

It may be that ds chooses to stop visits. It may be that he continues to go. But your ds needs you to stand up and help him through this. Arrange the councelling, speak top your ex in a non hostile way (very hard I know as he will feel you are blaming him and he probably thinks it's unjustified). But ask him if he wants a relationship with his ds and if so is he prepared to listen to him, really listen and hear what he is saying. If he says yes then suggest the family councelling. If he refuses say you will simply leave it to ds to decided what he wants to do and whether he wishes to see his dad. Tell him you won't continue to insist he goes if he refuses to listen to his ds and is causing him deep emotional distress, even if it is unintentional (and lets hope it is).

Oh and document everything. Dates, times, what was said by who. Just in case you do ever need to go to court over this.

I was very clear about how I felt about my father when I was much younger than 11

Unfortunately my parents never split up so I had to live with the fucker throughout my childhood, but I would have been most unimpressed to have been forced to visit someone I clearly hated (and only held me in contempt)

The FB thing is a red herring and easily sorted

the rest is not....but it does need addressing

quitting the duty visits would eb a good place to start

I mentioned age 11 'cos at that point I was in the family court and asked to choose who I want to live with - my father, or my GP, who looked after me since my birth.
It was about establishing legal guardians for me.

Kushanku, once your child is old enough to express his own opinions and talk frankly to a mediation professional or psychologist, no court is going to send him to live with a parent that he says he hates, all the while he still has the other loving and responsible parent to be with! I don't think they can force him to see his father at all if he genuinely doesn't want to.

asbm, good to 'see' you :)

Kushanku -

Speaking as a lone parent who has been through the courts for residency (and my situ was much more complex than yours), I can more or less guarantee that your XH hasn't got a cats chance in hell of getting residency.

Please, please don't make your DS go and see this horrible man. I am sure you don't mean to do this but by forcing him to go you are giving your DS the impression that his feelings don't matter.