potential new man has limited contact with older kids is it an issue?

[quickchange1]

After an amicable split with DH a while ago I have had a few 'meetings' with a bloke I knew years ago, he's been single nearly a year after a messy split with live in partner. He is lovely in so many ways, very sweet, willing to take things slow but is also a real laugh, outgoing and we definately 'bounce' off each other. I have a nagging issue in my head that we have discussed on numerous occasions and he always gets upset.

Over 20 years ago he had a partner and had 2 children (very young) they split when both his children were under 5. He had usual visits etc and paid maintenence throughout their childhood but says as they became teens they drifted apart....new man moved to the neighbouring town and started a new life with new partner. He saw his teens but would often go months without. The situation now just seems odd to me, they are both now grown up 18 and 21 and he see's them birthdays, christmases and the odd occasion in between. He does have text and phone convos quite regularly with the younger one but quite a strained relationship with the older one. I am worried because my two primary school age children are my world and I can't imagine the distance. He is more than willing to meet mine and do family things like parks/cinemas etc he just feels circumstances/his ex partner (s) etc lead to the situation with his kids, he has many regrets but is worried I don't judge him on his past. I really feel a lot for him and would appreciate any comments thanks

They aren't really older kids are they? They are adults, and don't need to be chased around and coddled. The older one is only a year younger than I was when I became a mother myself, he/she doesn't need 'contact' any more than any other adult.

How can you say that, colditz! Children always need contact with their dads, no matter how old they (the children!) are and no matter what's happening in their lives.

I think the parents always need to keep in contact with their children - to make sure they feel loved, to make sure they are safe and to know that they are happy.

Sounds fairly reasonable. He HAS kept contact with them and yes they are adults now. Wouldn't bother me

I'd want to know 'why'..... Is there any chance you can meet them at all and hear and see what they are like as people?
Do they blame him for the split or 'leaving' them?

Its great he is in contact over phone. But why is it strained with one?

Sometimes people just aren't close with their parents. There isn't always a big reason or drama behind it. He wasn't necessarily a terrible father.

My children are still very young and it would break my heart to think that one day we won't be close. I look at my DH's relationship with his Dad and it is quite strained. They are polar opposites and DH keeps contact as he does care for his Dad but there's no strong bond there. Generally speaking he can take or leave seeing him. Neither are terrible people and there was no terrible childhood history. It's just the way it is.

Hmm..society would certainly judge a mother differently if she had "drifted apart" from her DCs when they hit their teens and after she had started a relationship with a new man and chose to live in another town...

Might be worth finding out why the relationship is so strained with the older child. Did s/he feel that your P was putting his new relationship above that of father-child? Was infidelity involved in their parents' break-up? When did he make more effort to keep in touch - if it was only when his new relationship had ended, this will further reinforce the feelings of being "second-best".

He wasn't there for them when they actively wanted to see him and they are now voting with their feet.

It depends how much responsibility he takes for all this and how much regret (as opposed to self-pity) he feels. If he looks back and sees his mistakes in all this and understands why his DCs feel the way they do - and has made efforts to say sorry to them and tried to build bridges with them, it might be possible for you to get past this, knowing that he has changed and if he had his chance again, would parent differently.

Ah now see, I know where you are coming from with this. My children are similar ages to your DP's and my exH has no interest whatsoever in one of them, and not much more with the other.

I think his attitude is crap TBH, and it badly affects the one who has little contact with him. Even though they are 'adults', actually they still need their parents, and your DP must have been fairly absent from their lives for quite a while.

I could never respect a man (or woman) who has no interest in their children. I did point this out to my exH's new GF, and she said it was not her concern, and she couldn't give a shit, basically. I think they deserve each other after that remark!

Interestingly, my ex has plently of time for his new GF's child, who is of a similar age to his own who he doesn't give a damn about. That is very hurtful to me and to her.

I think you are right to be wondering about this.

I have round about the same relationship with my mother that this new man has with his kids. She isn't a bad person, we just don't get along as people. Maybe we're too similar (although I don't think so ). Possibly she shouldn't have had children, but she's alright really.

I have noticed as well that sometimes when boys get to a certain age, i.e. grown up, a real rivalry can emerge between father and son, sort of like lions in a pride. It's not massively destructive or anything (most of the time) but it means they can be a bit guarded around each other. My friend's brother is like this, and my ex. There isn't anything wrong with them or their fathers, they're just not emotionally close.

My BIL has a daughter of about 25 from his first marriage. He did everything he should and could for her, as far as I can tell and I've known him for over 20 years. Despite that, since reaching 16 she has distanced herself from her father, his wife (my sis) and her grandparents on her father's side, despite living only 10 minutes from her grandparents. Quite recently my niece, aged 19 and in contact with her stepsister in the way that 19 year olds usually are, had a text from her in which she mentioned that she is getting married. She did not bother to tell her dad or her grandma, and has invited them to the wedding as an afterthought and added 'but I know it's a long way so I don't expect you'll be able to come'

Sometimes, despite everything a father does for his child or children, they will resolutely follow their own path and refuse contact.

My family is mixed ages . My older dcs cant be arsed with their dad and are actually quite angry at him as hes let them down a lot , lied to them , and frankly doesnt consider them.

The younger ones are happy as long as they can watch kids channel and go to the park, they dont see just yet because they dont need him in the way that an older child does.

I would have concerns about this if it was me , if he cant maintain a half decent relationship with his own kids , who can he maintain one with ? Its not like failing to keep in touch with an old work freind.

He says they drifted off as teens and that he blames his ex and circumstances . How was it her fault ? The lack of acknowledgement about this would bother me , and re teens , its about this age they start to want more , dumping them in the park isnt apropriate anymore , they want conversations , emotional support and for their parents to aprove and show interest in them.

When they dont get that they vote with their feet. Mine trys to entice them down occasionally with offers of shopping or gifts , theyre just not interested , thats not what they want.

They are adults now, and possibly with some good and healthy independance from him that allows them to spend more time with their own friends.

In a positive note, the fact that he may have a strained relationship with one of his children, may help him to identify and avoid some problems in the future.

well I would beg to differ that as adults we still need our parents.........but then in my teenage years I had little contact with mine (arranged to stay away with friends during the school holidays and was at boarding school).

"got along" for nearly 8yrs in my 20's........haven't spoken to them since they rang me in March.........

My dad and brother rarely spoke in his teens until late 20's - now they speam very very regularly indeed.

"He saw his teens but would often go months without"

So when his kids were younger he neglected them?

Perhaps he was a shit dad when he and his kids were younger - that would be worrying - but I think it is worse for you if you can't have this conversation with him.

Maybe he deeply regrets it - but if you can't talk to him about this you will always wonder, and it will fester.

I can entirely understand your being a bit concerned, but you say you've mentioned the issue several times to him and he "always gets upset".

Perhaps you are prodding a sore spot too enthusiastically?

It's perfectly normal for young adults to distance from parents themselves during their teens and early 20s. The fact that he is still in regular, if infrequent contact sounds perfectly OK.

Being an old gimmer, many of my contemporaries have children in this age group and there are HUGE differences in their relationships with their parents. Some have buggered off abroad on gap years and the like, and send the odd text or make a rare phone-call. Others have taken root in the family home and show no signs whatosever of wanting to leave!

It doesn't sound as if there is any lack of effort on his part. One of the hardest jobs for parents is letting go of kids in their teens, and not guilt-tripping them by being needy or clinging.

"he just feels circumstances/his ex partner (s) etc lead to the situation with his kids"

Actually that would worry me that he hasn't taken responsibility for the situation.

Go with your instincts on this.

Quickchange , what do you mean by " he always gets upset " ? Does he get tearfull , look sad , get defensive , what exactly ?
You also say youve discussed it numerous times , are you not getting the answers you want ?

Quickchange, obviously I don't know your new man but I would want to fin out how the distance developed and why. He is the parent here and it is up to him to maintain a relationship with his children, no matter how old they are now.

My H left me for OW almost a year ago now and his relationship with our DC, both at University, aged 18 and 20, has definitely suffered.

He has immersed himself totally in his new relationship and even though he lives just 20 mins away from them, when they are home, he will only see them maybe once every two or three weeks. And then just for an hour. They have been home with me since the end of May (long holidays).

Now part of this is the DC choice, they have no wish to meet OW or stay at their dad's/OW home. But he is an affluent man who can afford to take them away or do things with them. He just doesn't.

The C also say that Dad is boring he doesn't talk about anything interesting or do fun things with them. I feel this is because they have grown to be young adults and he no longer any idea how to relate to them, particularly as they are girls.

My DC are very upset about this and will not tell him as they don't want to make the situation worse. It has got to the point when on some occasions they do not answer his calls.

Sad for them all, but as I say he is the parent and the onus should be on him to rectify the situation.

Your new man may well be a good one, but these things do happen, so for your own peace of mind you should ask.

Thanks for the feedback some interesting responses.

My gut feeling is that this isn't a major issue, he has regrets and its his past but its getting my head round it thats more difficult I think.

We've spoken about it twice and both times he has had tears streaming down his face and talked of mistakes and regrets. He doesn't blame his previous partners but the mother of his children had the affair so the split was messy and his 2nd partner wasn't interested in his kids. He feels he tries now but the older one is only interested in money and their relationship is strained. He is worried about his past putting me off him and has tried to explain the situation several times. he had an unhappy chidhood himself and started a new life at 18 with his ex and had the children then, he felt it was ripped apart when he was mid 20's by her affair.

He is sad and regretful but also seems to struggle to push and build bridges as its been so difficult, love seems to be shown through money- e.g one child wanted money for a ball he paid for outfit and hair, one wanted money for a holiday he gave some spending money, he tries meals out etc and usually the older one doesn't turn up, I feel for him I really do.

Have I read right quickchange1 - he didn't maintain a relationship with his children after splitting from theur mother because a his 2nd partner wasn't interested in his children?

Apologies if I have misinterpreted here but if true that is very shabby behaviour and does not reflect well on him as a person or a father.

I agree , shabby behaviour on his part , sounds like he blames both his ex and his his second partner. Whether his second partner was interested in the kids or not isnt the issue either , im not sure what thats got to do with it.

Most of us do or say things we regret , but this sounds like it went on like this for a long time , so not only has he done this in the first place hes also failed to rectify it.

Im not sure about the tears either to be honest.

but he did see them after he moved away usually twice a month (this was in the late 90's) he just felt that as teens they were less interested in coming to see him in another town and wanted to see their mates. There were a few occasions when he went over to see them and their mother and him ended up arguing (over money) which put a further strain on the relationships.

They are adults now and have their own lives, the younger one had a crisis earlier this month and he did leave work early and dash over to see her. He would admit that things were dealt with shabbily and he has regrets but he is now in his 40's not his 20's. he doesn't blame his ex partner its just she didn't show any interest so he would go and see them on his own they didn't like to go to his new home.

but he did see them after he moved away usually twice a month .

Sorry im getting confused , you said earlier he went months without seeing them.

Is he doing anything to try and rebuild his relationships? Because it sounds like he couldn't be arsed then or now.

regularly for years after the split which dwindled to months around ten 12 years later as they became teens