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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

potential new man has limited contact with older kids is it an issue?

28 replies

quickchange1 · 13/09/2010 16:20

After an amicable split with DH a while ago I have had a few 'meetings' with a bloke I knew years ago, he's been single nearly a year after a messy split with live in partner. He is lovely in so many ways, very sweet, willing to take things slow but is also a real laugh, outgoing and we definately 'bounce' off each other. I have a nagging issue in my head that we have discussed on numerous occasions and he always gets upset.

Over 20 years ago he had a partner and had 2 children (very young) they split when both his children were under 5. He had usual visits etc and paid maintenence throughout their childhood but says as they became teens they drifted apart....new man moved to the neighbouring town and started a new life with new partner. He saw his teens but would often go months without. The situation now just seems odd to me, they are both now grown up 18 and 21 and he see's them birthdays, christmases and the odd occasion in between. He does have text and phone convos quite regularly with the younger one but quite a strained relationship with the older one. I am worried because my two primary school age children are my world and I can't imagine the distance. He is more than willing to meet mine and do family things like parks/cinemas etc he just feels circumstances/his ex partner (s) etc lead to the situation with his kids, he has many regrets but is worried I don't judge him on his past. I really feel a lot for him and would appreciate any comments thanks

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/09/2010 17:42

This doesn't stack up. If they are 18 and 21 now, that means that they were 7 and 10 in the late 90s, when you say he moved away, if we count the late 90s as 1999. He can't have seen them for 10-12 years after that, because that would make them the age they are now. Confused

When you say he didn't see them when they hit their teens, what age are you talking about?

And tbh, I'd take a dim view of any parent who lived with someone who wouldn't make their children welcome at their home. It suggests his DCs feel he will put his romantic relationships above them.

Has he told them about you and are there any moves to meet them?

PosieParker · 14/09/2010 18:01

I guess when you're the adult that leaves the family home, for whatever reason, you make every effort to see your children even if they don't want to.

dignified · 14/09/2010 18:15

I agree this isnt adding up re ages ect.
Initially you said he didnt see them for months , that he blamed both his ex partners and circumstances and he made a new life with a new partner.

New life being the biggest statement because they obviously wasnt welcome and he must have been ok with that.

Your first and last post are a little contradictory. And if hes ended up arguing with their mother at the house about money it doesnt sound to me like hes been very fair re money, or they wouldnt have been arguing. Sounds like hes blown them off and now theyre adults they just dont want to know.

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