Expecting too much?

[onelastchance]

I've posted before abot how things are with dh.

I have a constant thing in my head about wanting him to arrange nights out for us. It's been discussed in counselling, we've talked about and it's a huge anxiety trigger for me in that if he forgets or doesn't do it when he says he will. i'm devastated.

Should i keep putting myself in the position that i'm waiting for him to do it, thereby beig anxious until it's done, or should i just do it myself - we usually have a nice time when we do go out

I haven't seen your other posts, but it strikes me that there must be far more to this than him being a bit forgetful about booking nights out for you.

I guess maybe this is somehow a gauge of how much he cares for you, and how important you are to him? I would say, if this is such a big deal, he knows it is a big deal, and still fails to do it, then you have your answer.

Re the anxiety - I'm afraid this probably won't go away until the whole issue is sorted within your relationship. I speak from experience there. If it isn't the nights out, it will transfer to something else. Try and look after yourself, lots of rest, time for you and time with others if you can. Your happiness should not be dictated by your dh. Are you also having individual counselling?

you are not making sense.

you have a whole host of problems with your H.

going out to dinner or not will not solve it.

it wont matter who arranges it.

you are putting too much weight on dinners out. too much last chances for him"well if he DOEs book dinner then i wont leave him". it doesnt work like that. your relationship is unhealthy. he keeps you hanging on a string.

it is like a sticking plaster on a broken leg.

you need to addres your anxiety issues - but the build up and tension over these dinners out - it isnt worth it.

yes, there are other issues but this is the main one atm.

he's just called to see how i am and has said he'll try to book something tonight. I just wish it didn't seem so important to me and it didn't matter who booked it.

Yes, i'm starting individual counselling this week

yes, cestlavie. There is a whole host of problems but this has been the main cause of my anxiety over the last few days.

I'm hoping to address these issues through my counselling which starts this week

Does it matter who books what? maybe i should just be grateful for what he does do?

gets up ealrly with ds
ironing
hoovering
happy for me not to wrk ft
suppposrtive of my business
nice chats
gardening
generous
plays well with ds

Why on earth should you be grateful because he takes part in running the household he lives in or does some of the work of looking after his own child?
Agree with the others. This is just one tiny insignificant aspect of your much larger problems, and focusing on it is just a distraction from them. Sorry, but you're playing into his hands.

Thanks quiddity.

Can i ask what you mean by "playing into his hands?"

Anyone?

He's letting you down and it sounds like he knows it. You need to tell him that you want it done today because4 it is a big issue.

Surely you realise that this is just a symptom of a lack of care and atterntion to your feelings. I(n reality it shouldn't matter who books for a night out.

I don't know what your other issues with your H are but getting your undies in such a bundle over whether or not he takes you out for dinner is irrational. It's a symptom of something else, which hopefully your counselling will help you to unpick and sort out. It does sound as though your H is being unhelpful by not doing what you want him to do, but is it possible that he thinks (or has been advised) that indulging your obsessions is unhelpful to your anxiety issues? ANother person's actions are never the magic button that will fix your problems because you have to fix them yourself.

I'll probably be flamed by a lot of women on here but here goes anyway! I really think you have to make life easier for yourself with this. You want him to do something that he says he will do but (for whatever reason) he sometimes lets you down, you are now expecting this to happen so feel anxious in advance of this and therefore don't get to spend the day looking forard to a night out - one of the best bits IMO!
Whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation, it seems as though he is unlikely to change it. The best thing for you to do is take control of it and organise nights out
yourself. You shouldn't look at it as "Playing into his hands" as it's for your own benefit and peace of mind. I don't know about any of your other issues but if you've got problems generally it's even more important to take control of what you can. If you look at it as YOU making a positive choice to book nights out, rather than something you are doing under protest as he won't, then you will feel OK about it.

I mean you are seizing on the few occasions when he takes the trouble to behave like a decent human being, and blanking out everything else.
Next time you dare to be less than thrilled with his behaviour he will bring it up and complain that you are ungrateful, why should he bother when you don't appreciate his efforts, etc.
He doesn't do the "nice" things because he cares, he does them to keep you hanging on.
If and when he does arrange this evening out, no doubt you'll be thrilled. But it won't change anything.
Sorry if this sounds harsh. I know you're not in a good place.

Glass - that's pretty much what my previous counsellor said, she's met dh on a number of occasions too. Counsellor thought he does care but didn't understand the importance to me as he's lacking in empathy.

I know it's ridiculous that it makes me in such a state :(. I just don't know i fi feel so bad becuase of our relationship or if i'd be like this anyway?

It's not ridiculous but if you can't change someones behaviour then you have to try and change how it makes you feel. You are letting him control things as he knows you will be upset if he lets you down and doesn't organise something. You need to say to him "you know what? I'm going to take charge of this now and book our nights out!"
You really will feel better for doing this.

Yes, you could be right glass. I can't help feeling that i'll resent it though as it's something he knew i'd like, but still has to reminded to do it. Maybe i should just accept it and do it myself. Intersting that the other posters say differen, don't really know what to think or do

SolidGoldbrass, I agree with you.

My dh never rarely arranges nights out, so I do and we both benefit. This really is a red herring.

I think the list you wrote about what your dh does do, is relevant.

I'm really confused by quiddity's strident post which seems extreme, is this because I don't know the back story?

It's not about 'thanking' your dh for doing stuff round the house which of course a wife shouldn't need to do but he sounds like he does his fair share, is supportive and respectful of you.

What is it that you want from him, or need from him or feel has gone so wrong?

Just remember that you and your DH are on the same side - it's not a competition to see who does the most or who behaves the best. It's obviously more important to you than it is to him so just do it!

Thanks proud and glass :)

There is alot of bad history for me and dh but in some ways i know i'm lucky. I know alot of my friend's dh's don't do so much. He's works ft in a demanding job btw and i'm a sahm with a little business which takes a few hours a week. We've one ds who's just started school

I'm not saying you should be grateful for what he does do, I'm wondering what it is that's making you so unhappy? I guess I'm saying, and I'll be blunt here, is the problem you and not him?

i think it's probably both of us and how we react to eachother.But he has made things worse at times as you can see on my other threads.

Just wondering if counselling can really help sort this out - if not what on earth can ?

I think you should go into it with an open mind but knowing that they won't tell you the answer - just help you find it within yourself - and you need to be preared to do that. Really wish you luck.

Thanks Glass :)

I hope it'll help. Do you think i should just accept that dh does other things and not get so stressed about him booking nights out?

Yes! For your own peace of mind definately. Try to focus on the more positive things.

Thanks Glass :) I'll try that and try to just get on with things and make the best of my counselling.