Expecting too much?

[onelastchance]

I've posted before abot how things are with dh.

I have a constant thing in my head about wanting him to arrange nights out for us. It's been discussed in counselling, we've talked about and it's a huge anxiety trigger for me in that if he forgets or doesn't do it when he says he will. i'm devastated.

Should i keep putting myself in the position that i'm waiting for him to do it, thereby beig anxious until it's done, or should i just do it myself - we usually have a nice time when we do go out

Onelastchance, I looked up a few other threads you've started.

I sincerely don't mean to be unkind or unhelpful as you are clearly struggling, but I think you must be pretty exhausting to live with.

I'm not sure why many have said your husband is an emotional abuser, maybe he is, I hope not, there's not enough info, but you clear do have very specific demands and expectations that for whatever reason he can't or doesn't want to fulfill.

Your other threads seem to focus on pushing him to do or say things that YOU want him to do, to the point of obsession. I think counselling will be really helpful and I wish you luck.

I did the same, proudnglad. OP, you clearly have anxiety issues surrounding your relationship which seem to be dominating your life.

It's not hard to see that, for whatever reason, this relationship isn't working for you - and the fundamental issues here are not whether your H books restaurants or reads self-help books. Perhaps it's time to cut your losses, and find someone who you are compatible with. Life is way too short to suffer like this.

I wonder if it would be an idea to have a trial separation from your h, and get some counselling for yourself in the meantime. Some distance might help you get all of this in perspective. Can you really carry on living like this? It sounds utterly exhausting.

And bringing up the dc's separately from your H really isn't as bad as you fear, it's a hell of a lot easier than living in the horrible state of anxiety you're in now, I can promise you that!!

thanks fruitshoot. I've told myself (and dh) that i'll stay for another few months and have the counselling in the meantime, and hope that this gives me more clarity about what i want, and if we can stay together

I'm worried tht i could end up in an even worse state of anxiety if i leave, just for different reasons. is that sill?

No, not silly at all. It's like you're ready to jump but unsure if there's anyone there to catch you. I remember feeling that, and a friend saying it too.

I'm anxious sometimes now, but it doesn't even register on the scale compared with how I felt before. Removing the need to tread on eggshells, the unpredictability and the tension is so liberating.

I wouldn't offer the same advice as fruitshoot. I think you may well find your stuggles and anxieties are nothing to do with your husband or marriage but to do with you. So I wouldn't rush into a seperation. Therapy yes. Do you love him?

Onelast , i think your focusing on minor stuff . Would everything be rosy if he started to book nights out ect ? It doesnt really matter if he mows the grass or whether he books a night out , its how he is with you that matters , and how you feel about that.

I wonder if you struggle to vocalise what your unhappy with , ( he rareley listens and usually dismisses anything you say ) and if therefore you try and find a " thing " to make a point out of , something thats " acceptable " for you to be cross about in his eyes ?

And please dont be gratefull that he gets up with his own son , or doesnt mind you not working full time , plays with ds ect, these things are expected , they are normal Onelast.

I think the bottom line is that this relationship does not meet your emotional needs in any way , its unhealthy and abusive. It is unlikeley he is going to change , you either have to accept it , or take steps to end it.

Proud, yes i think i must love him becuase however bad things have been, i always back to be back with him. I miss talkign to him if we're not together or are on bad terms.

Counseeling appt is today...Dh said he hoped it went well for me

I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you lonely?

I wonder if you need to focus on you and your needs rather than putting so much emphasis on your relationship.

Maybe your marriage is going to last the course, maybe it isn't, but you don't sound strong enough to make that call right now and there's no reason you have to.

Could you build up your strength - physical and psychological - and focus on that for the next few months before analysing any more? Just tread water on your relationship for a while, stop fretting about the small stuff and instead shift your focus to doing things that help you feel good about you - voluntary work, helping out at church toddler group, reading at school, book club, something that you'll enjoy and that will give you positive strokes.

I do feel lonely sometimes, but when i'm able to able out normally, not verly so.

I don't know if my marriage will last either but i'm hoping the counselling will help me make a decision.

I had my first session today and sthe counselllor seemed very nice and well informed. She said it might be a good idea to meet dh at some point too. Got another appy next week

That's great onelast - makes a huge difference if you feel a connection with your therapist.

You sound more positive. It must be hard getting out and about with your broken ankle - can you invite people over to you in the evening so it's not just you and H?

Thanks Walking :) yes, it's hard getting out, but hopefully will get easier soon. Don't really have people over in the eve much but that's actually ok with me.

Counsellor suggested i ask dh if he realises that when he fails to do something he agreed to, he's pushing me away. I asked him, and he said he hadn't thought about it like that before, but supposed that could be true..

Well feeling a bit better today :) Arranged to meet some people with school to help ds make some friends.

Looking forward to next counselling apt too!

Nice one, enjoy ur afternoon x

Thanks Patience :)

Dh made a couple of phone calls he agreed to make today too.

Counsellor yesterday said might be a good idea to meet dh after a few sessions - he was agreeable to that

Time for our weekly chat in a few hours. Feeling much better in myself atm, still know dh and i need to change things or move on but hoping this counsellor be more effective than the last one... Time will tell

That's great that you feel more positive. I hope you can make the changes necessary so you feel happy with your H. Do you have a chat every week? Do you do this yourselves? Sounds an interesting way of tackling problems.

My H and I used to have monthly reviews of our relationship - MRs we called them. We always had them in a restaurant and I think that meant we were both on best behaviour, being really polite in our constructive critisism of each other. They were a bit of an excuse for a piss up in reality, but we always had fun. We stopped them after kids came along, but I miss them.

Quickie before I get tea ready - we used the sandwich technique for giving feedback to each other - the filling was the one thing we wanted to change about our partner and the bread either side was the positive thing we loved about each other ( I can't remember if we made up this technique or read it somewhere!).

So we'd take it one at a time and say a thing we adored about the other, then a thing we wanted to change, and explain that with examples, then the other thing we totally loved about the other, or great thing they'd done that month. Other person got to comment/defend themselves/apologise etc. Then we swapped. It used to take all night - often into the night but as I say they really were fun bonding times.

How do you have your weekly chats?

Thanks walking :)

Yes, we have these chats every thurs after ds has gone to bed. Thye were my idea but dh was agreebale. Format as follows:

1. review eachothers "to do " list
2. make a new to do list for coming week]
3. comment on positives and negatives from previous week
4. plan the weekend if not already done

How did your chat go last night?

Pretty well thanks :)

Had my second appt with new counsellor yesterday. She think alot of mine and dh's problems stem from his lack of boundaries of lack of expression of feeling.

Seeing her again next week, then she wants to meet him

bump - any thoughts anyone?