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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I over-reacting?

38 replies

Emilyannabelsmum · 13/09/2010 09:56

Sorry, never done this before, but I need some advice and I can't really talk to people that I know. Stumbled on a folder on our family PC yesterday - my husband has downloaded about 50 photos of women. 10 are 'bikini babes' or pervy photos of women that he doesn't know, and the rest are women that he either went to school with, or that he knows from work. It's all from Facebook - he says that there's nothing in it, and he claims that he doesn't know why he's felt the need to create this file.

Feels particularly weird because some of the women from work are young trainees, some of which have multiple photos of the same person, and they're not people that he even works with. There's also 16 photos of one woman who used to work there (again, not a friend).

I can't get past the fact that this wasn't done accidentally - he's physically tried to hide the folder, and saved each photo individually. All done late at night, when he tells me he's playing freecell. So there must surely be a reason for it, ie these are women he's attracted to/wanting to take it further?

I can't stop seeing these pictures in my head, don't feel like I'll ever be able to trust him again. I thought i had a brilliant marriage, but now i just don't know what to think. Any advice would be greately appreciated, thanks for listening.

OP posts:

littleshinyone · 13/09/2010 10:01

doesn't sound like he's being honest.

which either means he's hiding something or being thick.

i don't blame you for feeling unsettled, I would be.

i think it sounds strange and he needs to explain more, which is probably going to be uncomfortable for him, but you deserve to know what's going on so you can deal with it.

Good luck.

maxpower · 13/09/2010 10:02

Do you have any other reason to suspect his motives for saving these pictures? It does sound odd that he'd go to the bother of saving them on his pc but if he's just using them for some (ahem) inspiration when he's in the mood for a little self service, maybe it's about him being able to find them quickly.

perfumedlife · 13/09/2010 10:29

Yuk, that gives me the shivers.

Thats the kind of thing i imagine stalkers to do.

Do you believe his 'reason'?

HRHPrincessReality · 13/09/2010 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/09/2010 10:37

I'm with those saying it's his wank file. And no, he almost certainly does not want to take it any further, even with the "RL" women; it's just fantasy.

emmyloulou · 13/09/2010 11:23

But how awful though to actually see the pics he is wanking too and then having to see these people in RL, I don't think I could get my head around that and I am quite open

Original poster

Emilyannabelsmum · 13/09/2010 12:02

You're right, and that's what's really getting to me - he just keeps saying that he doesn't know why he saved the pics, that he doesn't "use" them and that he doesn't fancy these girls. But you don't do something like that without having a reason, do you? The bikini babes I could understand, but it is like he's perving young girls at work (really creepy my sister is the same age and works there too - she's friends with some of these girls).

And also the girl with 16 photos, she has 33 photos in that set on facebook, so he's obviously chosen the ones he wants...

He's just texted to say he feels sick and can't concentrate at work, is coming home to talk at lunchtime.

Thanks for all your messages, good to know it's not just me thinking this way.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 13/09/2010 13:09

It's definitely the wank folder, and not really that awful. Lots of people fantasize about people they know when wanking, fully aware that they are never going to get up to anything with these people, and that they love and are happy with their existing partners.
How is your sex life, BTW? If it's not happening much, is that because you are not keen, or because he is not keen? If you have a lower libido than him and he is having a quiet wank now and again rather than pestering you for sex, that's not bad behaviour; however if you would like to have more sex with him and he's ignoring you in favour of wanking, that may be a bigger problem.

proudnglad · 13/09/2010 14:12

God I think it is 'really that awful'. Sorry I can't offer much advice, but this would seriously knock me, much more than porn. I also think it's weird to actually make a physical file on his PC. What's wrong with keeping it in his head?

stubbornhubby · 13/09/2010 14:18

out of interest - how did you happen to 'stumble' upon this folder that he had tried to hide?

IseeGraceAhead · 13/09/2010 14:51

One of the rare times I disagree with SGB. He's crossed a line by using pictures of girls from his real life. I feel sorry for you, OP, it would have creeped me out too. Glad to hear he's distressed enough to come home - hope this works out to your satisfaction.

stubbornhubby · 13/09/2010 15:11

what crosses your line IseeGraceAhead?

-thinking about someone from RL?
-or staring at picture of them?
-or moving the picture to a special folder?

to me it seems harmless ... albeit somewhat embarrassing to be interrogated over if someone 'stumbles' across it

IseeGraceAhead · 13/09/2010 15:31

Seeking out the pictures and keeping them.

It's probably a personally-skewed attitude, I realise that. There have been times in my working life when, like many other women, I've become aware of a male colleague "thinking about me that way" [ahem]. It's awkward & embarrassing. I suppose I've assumed they would have thought about lots of other girls as well, which diffused my sense of disgust iyswim. The idea of saving images of people he knows in RL, for the purpose, makes it feel more focussed - and somewhat threatening.

I can't pretend to offer OP advice on this. Were it a partner of mine, it would freak me out ... but mine had sex with their colleagues, so I'm biased.

On a tangent, I did pose for some teeth-and-tits calendar shots when younger. So I wasn't frightened at the thought of anybody wanking over any pictures of me - it's different if you know the man, and different again if he's using ordinary holiday pics of you. Urgh!

IseeGraceAhead · 13/09/2010 15:40

Hmm, you've made me think about it more. I was paid to model for the calendar, knowing it would be hung on lots of workshop walls. There was a transaction: I lend you a picture of my body, you don't know me, I get paid, have a nice time in your workshop whoever you are. In using non-commercial images of people, with whom he interacts in real life, I feel he is exploiting them - abusing their holiday snaps, and corrupting their working relationships. They haven't transacted with him on a sexual/commercial basis. Am I making any sense?

SolidGoldBrass · 13/09/2010 15:41

I think some people are going into DM-Luddite panic here at the thought of this man doing - Bwaaaah! Homemade Internet Porn! Remember that before THe Interweb Changed Our Worlds etc, people took photographs of each other, and put those photographs in photograph albums, and might indeed have knocked one out over said albums from time to time if so inclined (handy that they all have those wipe-clean pages, really...)

Now if he's photoshopped the heads of work colleagues onto pics culled from porn and is wanking over those, hmm, possibly a bit creepier.

Tortington · 13/09/2010 15:44

TOTALLY creepy, let us know how the conversation went

buttonmoon78 · 13/09/2010 16:18

SGB - will never look at my wedding photos in the same way again! Wipe clean pages...

stubbornhubby · 13/09/2010 16:30

I suspect many people do a lot of things in the privacy of their own bedroom, or bathroom, that are essentially harmless but nevertheless rather embarrassing if scrutinised in the cold light of day.

i imagine a proportion of MN possess a vibrator that their husband doesn't know about. Again not somehting to be ashamed of but nevertheless not something they'd necessarily welcome their DH 'stumbling across' behind the old sewing machine, in the chest of drawers in the far corner of the attic. behind the old radiator.

IseeGraceAhead · 13/09/2010 16:38

To me, it's all about the existing relationship. Would you still be saying it was harmless there were pictures of his sister in his wank folder, or OP's best friend?

stubbornhubby · 13/09/2010 16:55

well obviously

fantasising about your sister is creepy
fantasising about your DW's best friend is what men do.

thesunshinesbrightly · 13/09/2010 17:01

Oh so if your wife was fantasising about your brother that would be ok?

IseeGraceAhead · 13/09/2010 17:06

Fantasising and storing pictures of her for the purpose are different.

Lots of people do fantasise about their own relatives. I don't think many wank over photos of them, though - my point being that this 'crosses the line'.

Storing holiday pictures of female colleagues for wanking crosses it, too, IMO. He has an existing relationship with these women.

Using their holiday snaps as masturbatory aids is akin to visiting those sneak peek websites: it's like voyeurism. The more I think about it, the more I feel it's not OK. But am dropping out of thread now; this probably isn't helping the OP.

emmyloulou · 13/09/2010 17:32

NO I agree grace, I have dildos etc that the hubby knows about, etc and I would say I am no prude........BUT.........

There is something a bit ICK about having a wank folder full of photos of people you know that were probably never made by the person for that purpose.

I know people fantasise about work colleagues etc, but I can't say I'd be chuffed if hubby had gone through picking out pics of them on holiday or whatever to wank over.

Likewise I cAN't imagine one of my old bosSes, scouring pictures of me to add to his wank folder, I'd be mortified.

I can understand how op feels there is a distinct ick feeling here, like he has crossed a line, I can see why she feels the way she does.

Original poster

Emilyannabelsmum · 13/09/2010 20:25

Just to let you all know what happened at lunchtime...

Hubby still maintains that he doesn't use the pics, hasn't actually looked at them in the folder, and doesn't fancy any of the women. He says he doesn't know why he saves the pics of people he knows, other than he likes the fact that he knows something about them that they don't know iyswim - and he's agreed with me that this is like stalking, and is weird and creepy.

He's pretty wrecked about this, I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. He's deleted the folder, and deactivated his facebook account. Think our marriage is probably worth more than this, everything else, including the sex seems to be ok (although I must admit he does have a higher libido than me, but hey that's normal with two kids to look after isn't it?)

NB StubbornHubby - just so you know, I didn't go looking for this folder. I had to do an online maths assessment for my course, which asked me to upload a picture of myself. I clicked the browse button - and there it was, his file in all its glory.

OP posts:

stubbornhubby · 13/09/2010 22:23

"he likes the fact that he knows something about them that they don't know"

gosh - he would have done better to pretend the pics were for wanking..

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