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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I over-reacting?

38 replies

Emilyannabelsmum · 13/09/2010 09:56

Sorry, never done this before, but I need some advice and I can't really talk to people that I know. Stumbled on a folder on our family PC yesterday - my husband has downloaded about 50 photos of women. 10 are 'bikini babes' or pervy photos of women that he doesn't know, and the rest are women that he either went to school with, or that he knows from work. It's all from Facebook - he says that there's nothing in it, and he claims that he doesn't know why he's felt the need to create this file.

Feels particularly weird because some of the women from work are young trainees, some of which have multiple photos of the same person, and they're not people that he even works with. There's also 16 photos of one woman who used to work there (again, not a friend).

I can't get past the fact that this wasn't done accidentally - he's physically tried to hide the folder, and saved each photo individually. All done late at night, when he tells me he's playing freecell. So there must surely be a reason for it, ie these are women he's attracted to/wanting to take it further?

I can't stop seeing these pictures in my head, don't feel like I'll ever be able to trust him again. I thought i had a brilliant marriage, but now i just don't know what to think. Any advice would be greately appreciated, thanks for listening.

OP posts:
fuschiagroan · 13/09/2010 22:27

It IS wank fodder.

I do think it's a little wrong to use the photos someone put up innocently on Facebook of their holiday or whatever to toss over. Just a bit unfair. OK, OK, I know men fantasise about women they know while wanking, but this seems a bit more premeditated and creepy. I wouldn't be hugely happy. I think I'd point out why it's unfair and ask him to delete them, and he's done that so I guess I'd let it go. I wouldn't end a relationship over this one issue.

mamas12 · 13/09/2010 22:29

This is creepy and if I were you I would ask a lot more questions on why the hell he felt the need to do this.
Does he help in any way. Get it ove rto him that this is not normal in any way it it creeps me out just thinking of you in this situation.
hope you resolve it.

nomedoit · 14/09/2010 01:45

What freaks me out is the time/energy it took to compile the file - he must have looked for the pics and sorted out his favourites. It's the deliberate, project-style that would get me.

But, he will have a lot of shame now he has been found out and you don't want to close down the lines of communication.

I would keep talking.

Footlong · 14/09/2010 04:22

I would forget about it and move on. You are not going to discover anything that suddenly makes you think 'oh right.. I understand now and feel alot better!'

Why draw out the discomfort of the whole affair? He has a wank folder, he is humilated, yuo are mortified, you both seem to agree that it isnt worth your marriage and he says it wont happen again. What exactly is the point in drawing it out longer?

Emilyannabelsmum · 21/03/2011 13:27

OK, so we moved on from this one, and I did my best to try and forget etc. Hubby hasn't used the home pc since. Anyway, this weekend, i needed to borrow his phone as mine wasn't charged and i was taking the car to the garage. His face went white when I asked, but gave me the phone. So I checked it and there's a list of women's names on the draft texts folder. They're not contacts in his phone, he's purely typed in the names to create a list. He went to an awards night at work the other day, stayed in a hotel 'cos he knew he was going to get drunk (only 8 miles from home btw) and apparently these are women that he leched over on the night. He's adamanat that nothing happened, but again it's really weird and creepy that these are women he sees every day - I'm not that naive to think that he won't find anyone else attractive, but to physically need to make a list of names whilst the award night is going on? Advice please, again it doesn't seem bad enough to end a marriage but why does he keep doing these weird things? Not sure I can trust him. He's adamanat that he'd never do anything....

OP posts:
Emilyannabelsmum · 21/03/2011 13:53

Sorry, didn't realise i was so bad at spelling adamant!!Grin

OP posts:
BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 21/03/2011 13:56

Sounds like he's a bit of a fantasist. My DH did something similar. I found that he had been Googling people he knew with '...nude' on the end. Made me feel physically sick. Especially as one was his ex-fiance. I don't have any advice to give, just wanted to sympathise.

madonnawhore · 21/03/2011 13:57

Gross. He sounds like a total creep.

GypsyMoth · 21/03/2011 13:58

I don't trust myself to offer advise today after disturbing events which have happened to my dd

However, I would say this is not normal..... And you are too trusting.

FollowMe · 21/03/2011 14:10

I'd be finding that very odd indeed tbh and more than a little bit creepy.
Why on earth did he need to stay at a hotel 8 miles from home when a taxi would easily have done the job at a much cheaper price?? That is suspicious too when its alongside the list of names and the folder of photos!

SueWhite · 21/03/2011 14:14

What a weirdo. Not the fantasising over people he knows - that's normal. But making lists of their names? Keeping photos of them so 'I know something they don't'?

Weirdo.

GypsyMoth · 21/03/2011 14:46

It would ring big alarm bells for me op!

ScaredOfCows · 21/03/2011 17:33

That sounds pretty creepy, in a stalker-ish sort of a way. Big, big, big alarm bells.

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