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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed please, straight talkers welcomed! (SGB AF,WWIFN)

64 replies

quickpoll · 11/09/2010 22:37

Ok
name changed for this as i feel i need unbiased advice. if you know my usual chat-name please don't out me.

history:-

h told me he no longer loves me. he goes back and forth for around 2 years and finally decides to go about 4 months ago.

we have 2 dcs.

he leaves family home and moves in with a friend while we sell house .

house is sttc and is going through ready to complete by end of this month

i told him that as of end of this month i will move to my new rented house regardless of what happens as if it falls through he could then start to have dcs overnight and we could start to develop a routine for them. i also need to leave my own emotional health.

then it is revealed that there is another woman involved (gasp!!) he met her just before we split for good on a lad's holiday. she lives abroad and he has told me today that he has invited her over here for a holiday.

he says that if the house is not sold by then he still expects me to move out and let her spend the holiday in our marital home with him.

wwyd?

(I have tried to make this as factual as possible i want honest answers - i am beyond the need for sympathy)

thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
quickpoll · 11/09/2010 22:56

splitting capital 50/50 and he is going to use this to buy new house.

OP posts:
CupcakesHay · 11/09/2010 22:57

Hmmm... can see why you are peed. Poor you. I'd def be worried if the house fell through and she moves in. I'd say stay... because moneywise what is point of renting new house when you have old house sitting there...

In your heart of hearts, do you think your exH would bugger it up and stay in house if it fell through. If so - then don't move out - because sanity or not - if he does that - you'll go crazier.

Original poster
quickpoll · 11/09/2010 23:01

i am soooooo past caring about him and any woman that might come along tbh.

i want gone but not in spite of myself ifyswim.

we had an argument about it tonight and he told me that if i refused to leave he would revisit our financial agreement re the separation.

OP posts:
Original poster
quickpoll · 11/09/2010 23:03

cupcakes

to be honest i don't know what he is going to do next - he seems a bit bewitched by ow.

knowing the old h i would say categorically no way would he screw me over financially but i also said he would never leave me...Hmm

OP posts:
CupcakesHay · 11/09/2010 23:04

Then maybe change locks and move out?

Would that work?

Have no idea from a legal point of view though.

IseeGraceAhead · 11/09/2010 23:04

OK. Ring up the Land Registry to see if you need to put a charge on your house, as you're married but moving out. (The rules have changed since I last knew - the people there are very nice.) A charge prevents unauthorised sale of the house.

I think you just need to bite the bullet wrt to OW. He's being a jerk and has no doubt done this just to wind you up - poor girl, she's in for a strange week I bet! It's much more important to focus on yourself & your kids. You have a new place to go, a new lfe to set up and the DCs will be excited about arranging their room, etc - go with that, and leave STBX right out of it for a few weeks. Would you be able to imagine he's on holiday elsewhere?

If you're still unsure about your financial & childcare stuff, please do see the CAB and a solicitor asap. The more in charge you feel, the healthier you'll be. Take care of yourself.

BellasFormerFriend · 11/09/2010 23:05

Urgh, what is it about divorce that makes people think they can turn into total twonks??

I still stick to my advice though, if you think he may move back in stay put until it is sold. If he revisits the settlement then so be it, presumably you have that all hammered out now so it will be difficult for him to change much. It will just be the delay that affects you - but the delay will not affect you as much as losing the capital from the house sale would (I am guessing).

Original poster
quickpoll · 11/09/2010 23:07

would love to do that cupcakes lol! but i am not wasting a penny on him!

if he does move in though and she comes to stay then i will leave all furniture here as my new home is fully furnished

she will love the thought i am sure of shagging him on the bed our two children were conceived on

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 11/09/2010 23:09

If you're already going to move out by the end of the month, then do so. If he wants to bring NW into ex-marital home after that, his problem, no longer yours - I know it feels like shit (has happened to me too) but in reality, why upset him over it. Just cut your losses and do as you planned.

Original poster
quickpoll · 11/09/2010 23:10

no bella sadly not we have only been separated a few months and were just about to do a separation agreement.

everything so far is verbal but tbh he is only going to pay me a touch above csa amount anyway

OP posts:
BellasFormerFriend · 11/09/2010 23:11

Hmm.

Ok, what is worth more to you, the settlement or the capital?

bearing in mind that you can get a certain amount if you go through the CSA anyway (not quickly I grant but eventually Grin)

Original poster
quickpoll · 11/09/2010 23:13

the capital.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 11/09/2010 23:13

quickpoll if everything so far is verbal I would get it all in writing asap. Many men are complete lice when it comes to honouring their verbal arrangements, especially when a new woman is involved.

Original poster
quickpoll · 11/09/2010 23:14

i know thumbwitch - this is all happening far too fast.

OP posts:
BellasFormerFriend · 11/09/2010 23:17

There you are then. You need to protect the asset that gives you what you need most. Call his bluff about the settlement and stay. If he does get into the house he will have a pretty big hold over you simply because he can deny you the thing you need most.

As for your sanity, I honestly think it will be worse to have to try to get him out/get him to pay up/get him to sell although I am sure you must be pretty desperate by now Sad

Hopefully this will all be a moot point as it will be sold shortly anyway!

IseeGraceAhead · 11/09/2010 23:19

You could ask the agent to write you separate cheques.

stickylittlefingers · 11/09/2010 23:27

just to say, as some posters are being very definite about it not being a problem, having OW in house could be a problem. If I were acting for a lender taking a charge over the house and another person was there, I would have that person sign to say that they have no right to stay in the house, so that the lender would have no difficulty in enforcing their charge and selling the house over that other person's head. If they wouldn't sign, then there would be a question mark over the enforceability of the charge.

I would stay put and in control.

thumbwitch · 11/09/2010 23:33

yes, that changes my advice too - stay put until completion. If he's threatening to change the financial arrangements, chances are he'll louse them up anyway, so you're best off making sure the house sells so at least you get something from that.
But please do see a solicitor ASAP.

Original poster
quickpoll · 11/09/2010 23:37

my head feels all over the place - i just want to run as far and as fast as i can. but i don't want to bit my nose off to spite my face.

i feel like he is elbowing me out of the house and shipping a newer model in ffs.

will phone sol asap on monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
quickpoll · 11/09/2010 23:38

bite Hmm

OP posts:
stickylittlefingers · 11/09/2010 23:42

it is a really shit time for you. But you're right about not (erm cutting, or otherwise removing?) nose to spite face (sorry, but you'd have real trouble biting off your own nose). I hope it will be worth going through the paid now of sorting it all out to make life easier in the long run, for all of you.

I hope you have a good solicitor too.

stickylittlefingers · 11/09/2010 23:44

!paid - I meant pain. obviously should go to bed.

Original poster
quickpoll · 11/09/2010 23:45

lol ! sticky you made me laugh, thank you Grin

OP posts:
stickylittlefingers · 11/09/2010 23:47
Grin
HerBeatitude · 11/09/2010 23:51

I think you need to expect him to renege on any of your financial agreements tbh.

If he's already threatening you and he hasn't put anything in writing, I think he's planning to not come through.

So I wouldn't allow that threat to influence any decision - he's going to fuck you around financially anyway.