I think he is an emotional abuser, but don't know what to do

[roslily]

So, basically was reading another thread and a link, and can see so much of my dh in it.

Examples from today:

I am useless as I turned steamer on when it was still under kitchen cupboards

"what have I told you about opening window in bathroom, you are so annoying"

Been told off because we are on "wrong" energy tariff.

My fault there is mark on bumper of car (I have no idea where this came from, I hardly ever drive as I am always getting blame for things

Nagged for not going to gym

I am frigid and don't have sex enough with him

I regularly get told what to eat. So he wants sausages for lunch, I don't. I get a huge rant. Or if I want pasta two days in a row this is terrible. Or my cooking is bland

I never do anything around house, just sit on fat arse (very much not true)

I spend too much time working (I am a teacher) and not enough time with him

I could go on and on. I suppose they seem petty. If I argue back then I get told I am mental (I have mental health issues). SO I generally don't. If I try and talk about it he rolls his eyes and makes it all seem like my fault, that I am reading too much into it, and if I didn't do so much stuff wrong then he wouldn't have to have a go at me.

Am I being a bit pathetic. Its alright, you can tell me

Good god. Poor you :(

Keep reading those links.

Are you in prison? Seriously, are you locked in a cage with this monster and unable to get out?

He is a grade A tosser and how dare he speak to you like that! I am just shocked.

Why are you still with him?

He sounds horrid!

You are not being pathetic...he is!

I normally roll my eyes at the emotional abuse threads, and thought I would at this one, but really, you shouldn't have to put up with this. And you mustn't!

Because I don't really know how to leave. I don't have a car, and walk to work. I would need to be somewhere where I could get to work and ds's CM, which is a couple of miles in opposite direction. My family live 200 miles away.

But I will look into it.

There are some good times. Oh my, now I sound like one of those women

You order these books from Amazon:

This one and this one

Heh, you are one of those women! Never mind, keep reading and start plotting. Let us know how you're getting along :)

Oh, and write us a list of at least ten things that are GREAT about you! Quick, before your self-confidence gets completely trashed ... You're not allowed to include "obedient" by the way.

You don't have to leave...tell him to.

Roslily, read some of the longer relationships threads. There's loads and loads of advice on them, links, phone numbers etc. Ring Women's Aid if you're unsure about what is happening to you and what your dh is doing and saying. They will help you. Here's the number: 0808 2000 247.

He is taking out all of his own frustrations about his own inadequacies on you. My dad did this to my mum throughout their marriage - she always made excuses about why she couldn't leave. The he got ill and disabled and she became his carer. Now she can never leave. Don't let him chip away at you like this until you start believing you're useless and he's right.

Roslily, I hope you dont think i was being sarcastic. I really am shocked at his abuse of you. I don't think you are pathetic atall. You are a teacher, you are smart, hardworking and magnificent for putting up with this idiot. But no more! Tell him to leave. Please. Or at least get some legal advice.

Is it one child you have? Perhaps you could find a childminder closer to your school?

I think you can buy an inexpensive car to get you going - don't worry about it.
Renting a small place is not going to be impossible.

You should look after yourself and your son.

He is a bully and knows how to press your buttons.

I think learning to be assertive with him shouldn't be more different than what you had to do when you got to teach for the first time - you do it because you know is the right thing...

I wonder if the teachers union has some councelling service you could use.

Do you have separage bank account?

Get on www.rightmove.co.uk and look for a nice 2-bed flat for you and your ds.

Organise an overdraft if necessary to cover the bond - you are a teacher, you'll earn it back soon enough

Can you drive? If not there are buses.

Also get on www.entitledto.co.uk and see what you can claim on your salary as a single parent.

But do read the books on emotional and verbal abuse because you need to understand the dynamic here, and the uncanny script that these men all follow.
Yes of course there are good times sometimes, and you hold on to those to justify the rest. But are they worth sacrificing your life to? Knowledge is power. Read up.

oh roslily, i could have written your post - my ex used to say so many of the same things (i am also frigid, sit on my fat arse and have mental health issues, oh and everything i do is wrong too would you believe)

after years of agreeing with him, apologising and trying to keep everyone happy i realised i did not want to be with him forever. i tried to talk to him about leaving but he got angry and made threats.

so, i went behind his back and took out a loan and found somewhere to rent and moved all my stuff out one day when he was at work.

that was 6 months ago and its not been an easy ride. he did not accept it. we still have no regular pattern of contact agreed and i never know when he will turn up, see the dcs, etc. i work full time and it is so so difficult. he is frequently abusive and harrasses me with hundreds of phone calls a day, one minute crying and saying he loves me and wants me back, the next criticising and insulting me. he is a bit of a mess to be honest.

anyway, despite the mammoth guilt, i have not for one second regretted moving out. i still have a huge mountain to climb - and i thought moving out would be the mountain, turns out that was just the start - but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that is that i know i have the right to live in a house where i can make decisions, where no-one can tell me off because i've done something wrong, where everyone treats each other with respect at all times and supports each other, where i can choose how to bring up my children and so on.

i guess you need to talk to him, explain how unhappy you are, see how he reacts, and do some thinking about how you would feel if you were to stay with him for the rest of your life... should give you the answers you need...

good luck, keep reading & posting x

very sorry but get a grip. You are a professional woman with a job. Buy a car. Be independent. Being able to walk to work is a luxury.

If you have your own income you can leave and rent a flat/house. Just do it.

I'm not sure that all emotionally abusive relationships are unsalvageable, so wouldn't necessarily advise leaving if you don't want to/don't feel ready to. You do say you have some good times (though it does also sound as though you are fed up and have had enough). In any case, at the very least take steps to change the dynamic in your relationship, i.e. get some boundaries in place so that he can't demean you or put you down.

Arguing or reasoning are probably not the best ways, especially if you've already tried it with no effect. They make it seem as though you have a case to answer, when you don't. The examples you give show as being unreasonable, petty and bullying. There are other assertiveness techniques, and if you find things don't change at least you'll find the additional self-respect will give you strength when you do decide to get out.

Not pathetic at all, what hes doing isnt ok.Verbal and emotional abuse can be just as devestating as physical abuse. I second the advise about those books , read everythig you can , these men really do follow a script. Theres also womens aid who can put you in touch with a counseller local to you.

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

Thank you

No I don't have a separate bank account. My issue has always been that at the moment I am part time and earn £1200. My share of the mortgage is £350, plus some debt £150. Which doesn't leave a lot for much else.

But I will look today, and on Monday will open my own account.

I have asked him to leave in past but he refuses. He says if I want to go he's not stopping me, but he's not leaving his home.

He is abusive, and I think you do know what to do, just not down to the last detail.

If I had to put up with that sort of criticism every day, I'd have mental health issues. Shortly followed by burying blatently abusive man under the patio.

Good luck with getting out.

Longer term, might you be able to increase your hours of work, or even do something like tutoring after school to earn a bit more?

I know it's easy to say, but the next step surely is to ask for a separation/divorce and sell your home, then you can use your earnings etc for a place of your own.

Have you thought about seeing a solicitor? What you should be doing is keeping a record of his behaviour so that you have evidence for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. They only take into account evidence within the last 6 months, andit doesn't have to be physical/violence - it can be emotional abuse.

This means you could get divorced quickly and the financial side would be sorted too.

He sounds horrible, you are not pathetic.

The thing about emotional abuse is, it often seems 'not so bad'.

It's the constant drip, drip, drip of criticism/bullying behaviour and nasty commenyt that does the damage - destroying your confidence, self esteem etc through process of attrition.

Over time, it can reduce the most intelligent, confident, self assured woman to a complete wreck.

Lynettescavo - why do you normally roll your eyes at these sorts of threads?

I think that doing small steps will give you better control of situation and help you see yourself less of a victim.

What are the chances of increasing your part-time hours soon?

giveitago - because there seem to be lots of emotional abuse threads about situations which I personally don't consider abusive.I don't think a bloke sulking for a couple of days every few months is a good reason to leave him. Personally I don't consider that emotional abuse, but obviously lots of people disagree with me.

roslily's situation is very different, though. It's very clear (even to me) that her DH is emotionally abusing her.

rosily, I really hope you can move on from this relationship. Good luck!