I have recently found out that my husband had an affair with a "friend"

[seriouslypissedoff]

I recently found out that my husband of 23 years had an affair with a woman who was a friend of ours. It went on for about a year and a half ( on and off 3 times) and finished about 18 months ago.
My husband has begged me to have a future with him and I have agreed to see how it goes.

My problem is that I have a great deal of anger towards this woman. How can someone who is a "friend" do this to someone she has known for years? I have not seen her since I found out and am anxious about running into her as I am fearful about what I might do.Is this normal? To want to punch her in the mouth?

It's absolutely normal. Many will tell you that it was him that betrayed you but to my mind it was both of them - they both share the responsibility. They were both wrong.

It's a hard road ahead but if you want to stay with him it is possible. There must be no contact between him and her. Retain your dignity and do not contact her.

Order the Shirley Glass book from Amazon 'Not Just Friends'. It will help you enormously and get him to read it too. I don't think they understand the enormity of betrayal. This book will help. If I had read this book before I attempted to recover things may have been different now.

Keep posting.

Totally understand why you feel that way. Do keep in mind though, it was hubby who broke his marriage vow to you, not her. She did break the first rule of sisterhood though. I wouldn't be afraid of meeting her though, it will be for her to feel fear, terror and shame.

I hope you are manageing to put this behind you, i cannot imagine how hard that is.

Of course it's normal!

You wouldn't be human if you didn't want to!

Try and look at it like this, SHE betrayed YOU.
She Shagged your H behind YOUR back. (we'll come to HIM in a mo)

You can give her filthy looks, the evils, you can even shout at her, "Yeah, you, keep walking... there'll be another Kerb crawler along in a minute!"

OK, perhaps best not shout out loud, but you can think it.. If you are anything like me, it'd telegraph from my face anyway....

Tell yourself the following:

You will bump into her one day or another, but you will not throw yourself with claws out toward her neck, oh no, you will give her a "who stepped in something nasty?" look up and down and keep walking by, you will be cool, you will be calm, you will not crack.

WHY?

Because HE CHOSE YOU.

And she knows it.

Now, HIM....

He better do some serious grovelling, counselling and general making up. He has damaged your trust in him, and may never fully recover it, but he has to try.

Every. Single. Day. Of. His. Life.

Get some couples counselling, open up and talk to one another.

Oh gosh how awful an affair is bad enough but with someone know a "friend" even. Bloody hell how good friend was she? Of course it is normal to want to punch her in the mouth I would want to do a lot worse to her and DH.

She isn't the one who you potentially might spend the rest of your life with though concentrate on what you want to do with your marriage now, she really isn't important. How are you feeling about your husband has he been completely honest with you now?

He could have begged me from now till the world ends I'd not have taken him back for all the money in the world.

See a counsellor to figure out with him/her how you can work through this.

I think that he has been completely honest with me NOW but then I thought he was at the time...you just don't know, do you? AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!

The thing that I find hard is how you just get on with normal everyday life - I mean you can't shout all day or ask questions all day, can you? If you want to make some progress then you have to try to have a normal life?

I don't know how many questions to ask - why do we want to know all the intimate details? I know they have had sex but don't know the wheres and hows. This sounds stupid - do I need to know this? Should I know this?

Beware of focussing all your anger with both of them solely on her, as it will leave you confused about your deepest hurt and without true closure in the future.

And as for what misshissy says.... Sorry, but fuck that. This is not about "who's won". It's about getting everything off your chest and laying the blame PRECISELY where it should lie, so you can begin the long process of moving on.

If it were me, I'd smack her in the mouth. Indeed, when an ex did this to me, I did punch my "friend" who had cheated on with him solidly in the mouth.

Made me feel a whole lot better and less weak, I can tell you...

Every day I wake up with a lump in my throat and a feeling of anxiety in my stomach. I don't want to go to out in case I run into her. I KNOW my husband is wrong but I HATE her with a passion as this was a friendship thing which developed into more than it should have. Her marriage was in a bad way and she was looking for someone to cheer her up. I fantasise about meeting her in th eloo and flushing her head down the toilet!

Oh and I have already punched my husband so she wouldn't be getting anything he hasn't!

@ Karmann, you are right - if someone knew how it felt to be cheated on they would NEVER do it. It consumes my whole life currently. :(

@expatinscotland ; have you never been cheted on? I used to think like this but you realise that you have a history together and it is not as easy....

Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to reply to this. I am signing off now as I am very tired and have to get some sleep.

SPO - I remember feeling like you do right now. All I can say is that it will get better, in the sense that you will start at some point to feel stronger within yourself. That point in time is different for everyone, but what you are feeling now WILL pass.

Here's a thought: do you feel able to really claim back your self respect - and take control by actually going to see her? The calmer and colder you can be about it, the more terrified she will be, which will only add to the satisfaction. I did this, and although I was emotionally wrung out by the time I got home again, I felt a real sense of closure, and a sense of putting her where she belonged - which was actually on her arse. Punching someone who truly deserves it relatively calmly is a strange experience, but very gratifying. Sitting at home afraid of her will only make her disproportionately powerful in your mind, and you need to get past that. You are braver than you give yourself credit for you know!

I'd think about counselling for yourself too, separately from your H.

Yes, seriously, I have been cheated on. It's a dealbreaker for me because to me, because love to me is respect and trust, and when those aren't there anymore because someone cheated and showed me I wasn't worth the respect and trust I showed them, then it outweighs any history we have together.

It's over.

Dealbreaker for me too. No trust, no relationship.

I am not saying trust can't be rebuilt, perhaps it can, but i wouldnt want that. I can hold a grudge the longest time, bad trait of mine.

Your feelings are totally normal. Someone wrote tonight on another affair thread that she would laugh if the woman her DH had an affair with died. I don't think I could put that down in text about my DH's OW, but I do certainly think nasty thought about her.

However...your DH and the OW have behaved (with 50% of the blame each) like selfish arrogant evil bastard/bitch. You haven't - reatin your decency and moral high ground and just either say hi and walk on or ignore her. I had a chance meeting with the OW and I said "hi" and she physically recoiled as though I was going to assault her (I certainly wasn't, I can categorically say that I am a better person than her and I don't really believe in one person being better than another).

I know it's not about winning or losing, Quavers, there is no guarantee that SPO will be able to get past all this, maybe she will, we don't know, she wouldn't be the first, nor the last.

What I was attempting to do was to show SPO that she can rise above the skank, that to hide away in her house for fear or meeting the OW is just plain wrong.

She has to rise above them both, to find an inner calm and to maintain dignity. This whole thing may go one of two ways, it may succeed, it may not, but the most important thing is to keep one's dignity as intact as possible.

Assaulting the woman will not help resolve anything.

misshissy, has this happened to you in your own life?

Of course the OP will get past it. Things will never be the same again for her, but she'll still get past it.

I agree that assaulting anyone doesn't resolve anything, in the sense of putting it right. But, I know from personal experience that it bloody well helped me. I was in so much pain, I could not have given a fucking rat's arse about appearing to be dignified.

What helped me was to not "keep my own counsel", maintain my public face, or imagine that other people would be shame-faced about their behaviour once they saw how "superior" my own behaviour was compared to theirs.
I'm suggesting the OP is open and honest about the pain that has been caused, and to make no attempt to give anyone an easy ride about it.

When this happened to me, I did consider dealing with this by being as outwardly serene and as "above it all" as possible. I then thought "no, bollocks, she's going to know exactly how much damage she's caused to the point where she's afraid to bump into ME in the street".

Putting the pain back where it belonged helped me to begin to deal with my own recovery better than anything else, and this is why I'm suggesting the OP confronts head-on, if she has the strength. She doesn't HAVE to punch her friend to do this of course, but she'd be totally justified and I certainly wouldn't suggest that it's a foolish course of action. It helped me!

MadAboutQuavers, are you fourteen years old? Presumably you know that assault is a criminal offence. You were just lucky that the person you assaulted decided not to contact the police or press charges.

I don't think having a criminal record would help the OP feel better about anything much.

Very normal to want to kick seven shades out of her.

But you must rise above it. Dress well, be unperturbed, smile even when you see her. Hard as it is, don't avoid her. She is scum on the sole of your shoe (your dh too, but you will deal with him differently).

Invite her home. Really spook her. Messing with her mind is infinitely more fun and subtle than messing with her jaw.

Plus, there is also the chance that she might retaliate and smash your face in...

fuschiagroan - yes, I'm 14 years old. FFS.

And no, I had absolutely no idea that assault was a criminal offence! Thank you for telling me; you're obviously an incredibly intelligent person.

If I'd have been arrested for hitting the supercillious (look it up) little madam - my "friend" - who had an affair with my DP, it would have been a very small price to pay.

I'm sure the OP has a mind of her own, and wouldn't stick her fingers in the fire if I told her to.

She asked whether she was being unreasonable to want to hit the OW. My answer is no, she is not, she might even find it a positive experience, as this is not unheard of. If this offends your sensibilities... Well... Tough, really...

It's not unreasonable to want to, but you seem to be advocating it as some sort of therapy which is pretty ridiculous, seeing as having a record for assault can bollocks up your life in many different ways. It can hardly be worth it just to get a perceived advantage against someone who did not, does not and never will give a shit about you.

I know what supercilious means, and I know how to spell it too, thanks.

I'm not really advocating anything - like I said, the OP has her own mind.

Based on MY experience though, I did find it very therapeutic actually. The fact that you disagree with this is neither here nor there. And it was nothing to do with perceived advantage. Unless you've experienced that depth of pain, I can understand that you wouldn't see why it wasn't.

We all have our own, individual experiences, do we not? Or are you just quoting the rule book? Everyone knows the rule book. Actual life experience is sometimes different.

Congratulations on your English skills, too!

MAQ isn't wrong.

Although, I didn't approach her, she approached me, with a gang of buddies. Silly girl.

I can honestly say it was for me the most satisfying moment of that era of my life.

That and kicking the cheating x to the gutter - where he undoubtedly belongs.