I have recently found out that my husband had an affair with a "friend"

[seriouslypissedoff]

I recently found out that my husband of 23 years had an affair with a woman who was a friend of ours. It went on for about a year and a half ( on and off 3 times) and finished about 18 months ago.
My husband has begged me to have a future with him and I have agreed to see how it goes.

My problem is that I have a great deal of anger towards this woman. How can someone who is a "friend" do this to someone she has known for years? I have not seen her since I found out and am anxious about running into her as I am fearful about what I might do.Is this normal? To want to punch her in the mouth?

...and FWIW, I maintained dignity and serenity throughout.

It IS useful to read all the contrasting views on this.

On to something that could provoke an even stronger reaction - I want to hurt this woman, of course I do. She ( and my h) have changed my life forever. I feel as if my life is now in 2 parts BA - Before the knowledge of the affair and AA - after the knowledge. That was then and this is now.

This woman has 2 daughters - one is 14 and the other is 10. I toy in my mind with speaking to this woman in front of her oldest daughter (1) to scare the wits out of her - she will be thinking what will I say and (2) maybe even to say that her mother is a tart who sleeps with men other than her father. I am sure that there are people out there who are totally horrified at reading this or me even thinking this but I DO think it. She declared war on me and imo all is fair in love and war therefore I can retaliate in any way - no rules. I can hit her where it will hurt her the most and where is that? - through her daughter . I KNOW the daughter is innocent but her mother should have thought about this. She exposed her daughter to this when she decided to go down this route. Did she think of my children in all of this? No.

Am I the only evil minded woman on here? I'm not saying I will do it but tbh I really really don't know what way I would go if faced with that situation.

Can I add I am normally a very kind person who tries to see all sides of a situation but this has been too much.

Hello serioslypissedoff

My husband and I are currently trying to recover from his affair he had with a work colleague of his.

I found out about it in early July. It had been going on he says for about 18 months. I had met her and spoken to her on the phone. She was always very pleasant to me although sounded a bit flustered!! Which I used to think was weird!!! But I completely trusted my H.

I reverberated with the shock of betrayal for about 2 months. I had homicidal thoughts towards H. And I hated what the OW had done for woman kind. She was single, so why couldn't she have fun with a single man??????

After putting some very silly embarrassing and humiliating things on my H's facebook profile that she would see and his work colleagues, I felt that was all the revenge I could have, and it did make me feel better.

I did then email her in a very dignified manner. Stating that I had found out, how I had found out. That H had been very clever, but had lapsed his phone security when drunk. I told her that I felt sick, heartbroken and was having a massive adrenalin fueled shock reaction.

I told her she was welcome to him, wished her them all the best and told her that I still loved him.

She backed right off, I think for a few reasons : She knew I could ring her line manager and tell him what they had been up too and they would have been disciplined. I could have seriously embarrassed and humiliated her at work and hurt her career and her reputation. I don't think she wanted to split me and I up and ruin our family unit (got 3 young dc).

For a good few weeks I used to be consumed with ways of getting my revenge. Usually threatening my H that I would ring their boss and spill the beans, although I'm certain all their colleagues and the boss must have known, although some of them would not have had evidence.

I didnt and still dont know which H is the real H. He was different with her than me.

The hard thing was that when she pulled the plug on their relationship, he pined for her and missed her!!! This is normal and natural though, to miss the excitement and the support.

H missed children when he left, and his warm comfy home. And this was the basis for him coming back. He contacted OW a couple of times, and if he does it again he is OUT!

PLease read Not Just Good Friends - by Shirley P Glass, its a life saver, because I understand why I'm feeling the way I feel now. H is reading it slowly, when I prompt him!!

Just wanted to say, from my POV the shock wears off and it does get easier and better. Follow Shirley's advice!!

I am horried (not that it matters what I think) that you would consider speaking to this woman in front of her children. I suspect if you go "gloves off" she will do the same...

Don't do anything that will hurt her children - they shouldn't be punished for the "sins of the father". I had the opportunity to get the OW sacked in my case, I didn't because she was a single parents and ultimately her DC would have been hurt by my direct action (though indirectly she had caused it IYSWIM). Anyway karma bit her on the bum, her bosses found out without my help and she got the sack anyway.

It is ok to have murderous thoughts but not to act on them. I have yet to meet the OW face to face although she did send some vile texts (which I did not respond to) and I am not sure what I would do now, would like to think I would walk on by but DH thinks she is not the type of woman to "walk on by" and would have to say something to me. She thought I stole her man BTW !!!! The logic astounded me at the time.

You are obviously in the murderous anger stage atm, in time it will ease. I used to dream up wonderful ways to get my revenge but now I think going on to have an even better marriage is the best revenge with a DH who has truly worked on himself, his shortcomings etc and discovered a better, more honest person inside.

Good luck, and try the Beyondaffairs.com website, I found it really useful at the time together with the Not Just Friends book.

@ belledamesansmerci - there is nothing else she can do to me that is any worse......

SPO - I understand totally your thoughts, and definitely your last comment to BelleDame...

Your friend has hurt you to the core, and no, you will never be the same again. You WILL get past this though - I promise.

Don't berate yourself for the thoughts about hurting her through her children. All perfectly normal. You are ragged with the pain of it at the moment, but it will subside gradually.

I don't think for one minute that you would ever hurt her children deliberately. Even if you might entertain the fantasy.

Why not take out a large ad in the local paper, offering her services, then EVERYONE will know what an utter slut she is?

Go for counselling. You'll find it helps beyond belief.

I didn't premeditate lashing out at the OW, in my case it was a reactive response.

Letting go of bitterness is key to starting to recover, I think. Every second you spend conjuring up ways to harm her or her life, are seconds she is effectively taking away from your life.

Don't drag her children into it enough innocent lives have been effected, including yours - you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down, would you really wish that on them too?

Fantasise about it by all means but please don't physically attack the OW - at very best you will get a short lived sense of satisfcation but at worst the consequences could be terrible.

Have you thought how you would deal with being arrested?

Have you thought how you would deal with her hiting you back?

It will go one of two ways - either you will physically hurt her and then worry over the potential for rettribution/trouble or she will get the better of you, laugh in your face and shock you with deatils of their relationship leaving you more hurt and humiliated.

SPO, I find to plot and plot your ultimate revenge, your ultimate put down, and your ultimate SMACK down can be of real help actually....

Run through the scenarios in your head, even out loud on your own at home, (i have been known to do so!) And once you have done it enough, you can let go, knowing that if you ever did meet the cow, you'd have all these weapons at your disposal, but choose not to use them.

Oh yes, and the queen of potentially helpful but illegal advice suggests an advert...

You'd end up being sued on top of the assault charges.

Work it out of your system theoretically, you'll get there in the end.

GOOD GRIEF, I was clearly joking about the advert, misshissy

I work in advertising, so I do know rather a lot about what's legal and what isn't. I'm trying to empathise with the OP here. Adverts, public humiliation, torture and psychological vendettas are all fair game when you're in such pain caused by someone else. In your head of course.

Incidentally, I would love to have an ASBO. Woman in 40's, drives Jag, two house owner, large salary, shops at Waitrose, has ASBO. Excellent resume.

SPO - I hope you've got a busy weekend planned with plenty of pampering. It'll do you good to think only of yourself, if you can.

For those who need the explanation... I was joking about wanting an ASBO... Is that alright... FFS...

Although I completely understand the feelings of rage, I do think that the person you should be most angry with is your husband.

The other woman could be anyone. Your husband made a choice to have a relationship with her. When he did this he would have weighed up the consequences of being caught. He would have known that this would be very hurtful and would cause a lot of disruption. But he chose to go ahead. I'm not saying this necessarily makes him terrible - that is up to you to judge. I am saying that he alone is reponsible for the consequences of his actions.

Think you might be misplacing some of the hurt you feel about having been betrayed onto the other woman, rather than your husband. This is probably a phase in the post-afffair process - where is 'whenwillIfeelnormalagain' - I am sure she will know what stage you are in.

Harbouring thoughts about humiliating her in front of her children - that is quite nasty, it has nothing at all to do with them.

So sorry you are going through this. I think anger is hurt in disguise so I am sure this is a part of the process of dealing with having been deceived.

OP I am happy to help in a general sense, but probably the best help I can give you is about how to rebuild a marriage post-affair. I have been married for 26 years incidentally and my H had a very brief, first and only affair over 2 years ago. For me to target advice properly, it would help to tell me something of your story; how was your marriage pre-affair, how he says it was, how discovery happened and the challenges you have faced since, in getting past this.

It is not unusual at all for a previously non-violent person to feel quite murderous towards the OW, but these feelings often get in the way of recovery and dealing with the issue that's really important; your H and his fidelity.

What tends to help process one's feelings about the OW is for you and your H to work together as a team and for him to make it very clear to the OW what the affair meant - and what his marriage and you really mean to him. I think the feelings of anger linger when a betrayed partner feels that there is someone out there (OW) with an erroneous set of beliefs. So tell me what he told her at the end of the relationship and whether it it is feasible now for you to get some peace of mind about that.

Not around much of today, but happy to help.

I agree with expat. Why is the onus all on you to realise that you have a history together? Your history can stop you leaving him, but won't stop him fucking around? Why can he not realise you have a history together and keep his dick in his pants?

Do not direct your anger at the other woman. You are not married to her.

I would direct anger at the both of them and they would both have to pay dearly for their deceit.

Can't be bothered to engage with SmugAsQuavers....

I downloaded Sally 's book today and have been looking at it - i am not sure if it has made me feel any better. She says there are questions you might want to ask but I am too scared to ask some of them e.g. "did you talk about love or a future together" in case I don't like the answers and it will make me feel even worse!

@whenwillIfeelnormal. thanks. I found out about it through an e mail between her husband and my husband which he had not deleted. I stuck it in front of his face ( he was sleeping) and he confessed that he had had an affair. There were no names and I asked who it was - at first he did not want to say but did tell me.
My h is not here to talk to all of the time due to his job so this is a problem as i have too much time to obsess. Our marriage was like many peoples - busy work lives but he was very stressed at work ( he has since changed jobs) - now I begin to wonder if this was the stress! He was not sleeping at night and was feeling depressed. He often seemed to be angry with me and the children ( teens) for no reason.It is nearly a year and a half since it ended and he has been much better - more optimistic about life, we have been on several holidays alone and he is more upbeat.
The affair was an on/off thing 3 times and ïntermittent"- his words. It ended when he took a job in another place which severed the geographical ties. However the OW's h found out from her phone texts around the same time.I am not sure how close together these were.I don't know what was said at the end as we have not talked about it. I feel really rather pathetic in writing all of this. He has told me that it is me that he loves and he wants us to build a future together although he knows he has no right to expect that. sorry this is garbled and I am really upset now.

to add he took the job as he wanted to end the affair....

MAQ - ta very much. I know it was pedantic of me, but I couldn't resist.

FWIW I don't think this woman was ever really your friend. She isn't really relevant anyway. If your DH is willing to tell you everything and let his life be an open book until you can trust him again, then fine. If not, I wouldn't bother with him as he is clearly going to do it again. Are you sure this was his first affair?

Yes I am sure of that - he is happy to tell me everything.

Does he let you see his phone/email and stuff now? That is key I think. Why are you sure it's the first time? (not doubting you, just wondering - you obviously trust him on that)

I don't know but I am sure- basically he is a good person underneath.

SPO - I can hear the pain you're in through the tone of your posts, and am so sorry that this is so bloody painful.

The process of healing - whether it's with or without your H - is a long one, so please allow yourself the time. This will not get better for you overnight, as i'm quite sure you already know.

On the "questions you're afraid to ask", when this happened to me I wanted to know EVERYTHING straight away. All the nitty gritty. In hindsight, I would still have asked those questions, because I am the kind of personality who would rather not have to guess or torture myself with imaginings (which you are probably doing in spades), but not within a fortnight of finding out. Some of the answers he gave were so traumatic to hear that it just added to the immense pain at the time and I felt overwhelmed with it. If I could have waited, and taken longer to gather the whole, unvarnished truth, I may have been able to cope better than I did. Hearing your DP telling you that he was in love with your friend, and how close they had felt to each other is something that needs to be heard when you are feeling a little stronger, I think. This was certainly the case for me.

Whatever his answers or details that he gives you, it won't lessen the pain at the moment. Only time can do that, and plenty of being kind to yourself.

Do you want to know everything? Don't feel bad if you don't - I think sometimes it is better to know less. I am the sort of person who can't shake an image from my mind, so I would rather not know and concentrate on the relationship as it is now. But if you do want to know he should tell you.