Mumsnet validates my relationship... not that I needed it validating!

[nemofish]

Just another perspective...

I didn't realise how fucking prehistoric some men are. And I didn't realise that there were so many women prepared to accept that.

I think relationships should be an equal partnership, money should be shared (can't believe how many couples don't do this!) along with childcare and housework.

Decisions should be made together.

Partners should support each other in times of illness, (physical or mental)

Sex should be by mutual consent, not so one partner will shut up and stop bugging the other.

And nobody should be shouting / screaming abuse, name calling, emotionally blackmailing, tantrumming or assaulting anybody else.

If that is 'destroying the family' then it probably deserves to be destroyed.

I just don't get it. It's like behind closed doors, we're still in the 1950's and we're still debating whether questioning your husbands behaviour is damaging to the family unit.

Sorry the point of that post (if there is one?!) is that Mr Nemofish is lovely and isn't a twat. And this seems to be unusual rather than the norm, even amongst people I know...

Have to add DH isn't perfect but seems pretty good having learnt about others' DHs.

I agree nemofish. I'm constantly amazed by what people on here are prepared to put up with, and how some men behave. My DH - and actually all of our male friends - respect their partners as equals and are kind to their children.

Seeing what some women live with has definitely made me appreciate DH more, and it has also made me more conscious of bringing up my DSs to treat women well.

Very lovely - and important, Nemo :)

yy AgentProvocateur I am very grateful to Dh's mum for not babying him!

And in case I sounded too smug - dh cannot cook unless it is fried egg but he's a dab hand with the microwave and does the best pot noodle ever. So not perfect but a damn sight better than a lot of men I know...

My friends husband refused to change their son's nappy ever as it would feel 'wrong' and 'a bit gay.' And she accepted that!

Thanks Grace - one of the best things I ever did, I married a bloke who Isn't A Twat.

Now if I can just sort the rest of me out!

i've had both...went from being maried to a complete idiot,and then new partner was completely lovely

as for mumsnet.....you take from it what you want/need....it offers food for thought.....it does not pack your bags for you and make you turn your back on your relationship

I'm always a bit jealous of those of you who say that your husbands are wonderful and you are shocked at the behaviour of some of the men on the boards. Makes me feel like I missed out by having lower standards!

I'm not bitter though - I think it's great :) I love reading about relationships like this as it gives me hope for the future and the strength to avoid tossers! Being made aware that XYZ is not acceptable and not "just how men are" has made me less likely to put up with crap.

Absolutely - when I was in relationships when I was younger I didn't really have an understanding of what was normal or acceptable.

I wish I had had mumsnet then!

Bertie, I didn't mean to sound so smug. I'm in my mid-40s now, and I had my share of tossers when I was much, much younger. I know that had I settled down with any of them, I would be in a very different position now. But I was much more bolshy then, and I got rid of them. And it's not that I had high standards - there was a bigger pool of men to choose from!

I can actually see how, if you have kids with someone, it's much harder to leave, and as I've got older, the path of least resistance has become more appealing. I was very lucky meeting DH, so it never became an issue.

There are loads of good, kind, respectful men out there - unfortunately, I don't know if many of them are single!

Bertie, DS2 and 3 are early 20s and single and you sound lovely, shall I send them your way?

nemo I agree - MN often makes me grateful for DH

(although it also makes me worried that he's going to turn out to be having an affair, since this seems to happen quite a lot)

that all said I do have to remind myself that people generally only post/talk about their problems. All the MNers whose DHs are wonderful don't post about it (with the odd exception). So it is easy to get a skewed picture of what's "normal".

Yes minipie, I have narrowed my eyes at him and said 'You're not using prostitutes / shagging work colleagues / using premium rate phone lines / secret alsoholic / gambling are you dear?' and he says 'you've been on the relationships section again haven't you?!' 'oh and no dear, of course not'

But I keep my eye on him...

Oh no I didn't think you sounded smug, sorry, didn't mean to imply that! Actually it's a marked improvement to when I was younger and I'd look at everyone in good relationships with REAL jealousy thinking that those kind of men were so rare I'd never find one. It's good to see threads/answers to threads so often (even through the sea of posts about bad relationships) where good, healthy partnerships exist as it made me realise that there are more people like that out there than I realised and in all likelihood I will meet some/one when the time is right.

Thanks for the offer of your sons (!) but the other thing the relationships section has taught me is not to rush into a relationship when I still have issues hanging over so I think perhaps I should not inflict myself on anybody for a while yet!

NF...you have articulated exactly how I feel

My DH doesn't realise this (he sighs at me because he thinks I am addicted to MN...he is right), but MN has done our r'ship a favour

I have learned things from MN that he has benefitted from

I have been made to properly realise he is fab, and I am lucky to have him

I have been made to realise I am fab, and he is lucky to have me

I despair of the relationship threads, although I post on them regularly (in a wtf???? kind of way...)

I am not smug, I am thankful

Well I'm smug, Anyfucker. Smuggity smug smug smug

I used to be smug. Serves me bloody right! :o :(

awww no, don't be smug

it is a most unattractive characteristic

I too have a lovely and amazing Dp for which I am truly grateful etc but I was in a stupid relationship before and so can see things from the other side, as it were.

I think it is easy to forget that feeling of being so miserable and thinking that your relationship is the only good thing in your life and that to be single would just be the worst thing ever. I thought that I needed to hang on to XP for dear life and was therefore always willing to give him the benefit of the doubt thinking to myself if he was just a bit more like this then everything would be just fine. Fortunately he dumped me as I had this weird notion that I just HAD to make it work. God knows how much longer I might have held on.

Anyway - a rambling way of saying that perhaps it is worth remembering that the view is so different from a happy and confident place...

AF I agree - I am thankful too.

There are many days when I read another bloody awful thread about how some arsehole of a bloke is making his wife/partner's life a misery and I realise just how lucky I am.

Lovely thread Nemo :)

Mind you - it is true, OP, that it is horrific what some people put up with. There are bad relationships and then there is what you outline above...:(

I think that Reality and I have had more than our fair share of shitty relationships, Anyfucker.

That looks snippy without a . I just forgot it.