Not sure if I'm doing the right thing?

[anothercupoftea]

testing my namechange

Phew! namechange worked!

I have kicked my partner out (has been coming for a while I guess) but now I'm feeling like I might , just might have made a mistake, not sure. Maybe what I'm feeling is just a wobble.

Basically we had been together for 5 years. Problems started about 2 years in when we moved in together, reason being he found it difficult to deal with becoming a step-father to my DD from a previous relationship. We went on to have a child together (now 1) and things have got even worse from there.

He is great with both kids practically and never leaves DD out. However he has always made it clear to me (in private) that he finds every day a struggle having to deal with a child which is not biologically his. Obviously this has hurt me and this issue has been the sole cause of 99% of arguments between us.

DD has been particularly badly behaved recently and I have been really tired with starting back to work after Mat leave ended.So the other day after the school run I commented to my partner that I was sick of DD misbehaving and I can't be bothered dealing with her at times. His response: "Well why don't you just send her to live with her dad and we will live happily ever after?"
e then said why was I surprised , haven't I always known that he struggles to deal with DD, he loves me so 'puts up with her' and that he thinks I would be happier without her (wtf!!!!!) but of course he wasn't advocating I get rid of her, he "didn't really mean it like that"

So I kicked him out of the house and he is living with his brother. He cried as he left, but I said if he really loved me he would never dream of hurting me by saying those things, so we are finished.

I'm now regretting it a bit (crazy I know) as he did try with DD and outwardly had lots of patience with her and time for her (went on walks with her, built toys for her etc) - just inwardly he struggled and I think he was taking it out on me, which is obviously wrong, but would counselling have helped in this situation or is he just an abusive twat for saying this?

I just don't know anymore . I have a really stressful job working with adolescents with mental health problems, some of the clients will make insults about my appearance and physically attack me and I used to live for the end of the day so I could go home to some company and dinner, but now it's just an empty house and I feel so empty and struggling to cope

Sorry about the essay x

I don't blame you and I don't think you did the wrong thing. Your daughter should grow up to feel loved and secure, not as if she's in the way and second best to his "own" child. He sounds like a tosser to me, how could you say such a thing about a little girl?

BTW how old is DD?

You put your DD first over him so full credit to you.

I don't think you have anything to regret at all actually. Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

I think you might have done the wrong thing.

"However he has always made it clear to me (in private) that he finds every day a struggle having to deal with a child which is not biologically his. Obviously this has hurt me and this issue has been the sole cause of 99% of arguments between us."

What was wrong with his honesty here? Why would his point of view 'hurt' you?

The fact that he stayed and chose to continue to try with their relationship (and never treat her different) shows something amazing.

I find a lot of days a struggle with my foster daughter - the fact that I still try to provide her with a loving home and treat her no differently to how I would treat my own children is a good thing.

I would be right pissed off if I couldn't privately whinge to my husband about it without him thinking less of me.

I think it's possible given only what you've said that you might have made a mistake.

You pointed out repeatedly that he tries very hard with her - all you seem to be upset about is his feelings which of course he is finding it hard to change.

She is 5 . I split with her father when I was pregnant and met partner when she was a baby. We 'dated' for 2 years , he was nice enough to her but didn't have her as his responsibility iyswim. She was in the background (to him anyway). It all started going wrong when we moved in together after 2 years. Since then all our arguments have been about his comments about struggling with DD. He has NEVER said anything in front of her , I would KILL him if he had done that, but he seems to wait until she's at nursery(now school) , her friends or grans and then vent his frustration out on me. After the last time we argued about it he has now stopped saying it outright, but will 'spout off' about her if I moan about either of the kids. Difference is, I moan about the kids like any other parent does, I do not say the outrageous things he does.

You are right though, I don't want her sensing his attitude towards her. Will not be good for her at all.

It's just so hard. I'm 23 next week, and stuck in this stressful situation. . Missing the cuddles and good times etc.

You did the right thing in putting your daughter first. If you don't who will?

In his favour, he can't help how he feels and for the most part, if you judge him on his actions rather than his words, he seems to have done fine by your daughter.

However the things he said are wrong and potentially very damaging for her. I would expect that her "bad" behaviour is not unrelated to picking up on his feelings about her.

So, no he is not an abusive twat (going on what you have posted), he is a flawed bloke who tried his best but failed to love your DD and to see that her welfare is paramount.

There might be a way back but he would have to commit to putting her first and on an equal footing with her sibling.

Maybe family counselling would help.

LaurieFairyCake, I see what you are saying, and the fact that he has in a practical sense tried so hard with her makes me doubt my decision, but it was the words he said the other day -

"Why don't you just send her to live with her dad and we will live happily ever after?"

and "You would be happier without her, anothercupoftea, you are always at each other's throats"

Whilst he said the above comments in a hypothetical way (I didn't really ever think he meant them) , I thought the comments were disgusting in the extreme.

hes not a monster, but thats not the point is it.

he doesnt love your daughter. and he doesnt feel fatherly towards her.

she deserves better

as msboogie said, if you dont put your daughter first, who will?

I honestly dont think i could be a step parent so would never put myself in that position . Id imagine he finds her hard work, which isnt wrong , and he does sound like he has really tried.

But, and its a big but , i think he has been very disrespectfull to you by making these comments about her . We all need a good moan occasionally about our kids , normally its not an issue , but he doesnt like her and is complaining about her to her own mum , you of course are going to feel very defensive about her.

While he cant help his feelings , and hes entitled to them , he CAN help saying these things to you, it sounds like hes quite blatent about it and that hes almost expecting you to agree with him . Imagine if his mum was a pain in the arse and you were blatently saying " shove her in a home so we can live happily ever after " !!. Its the same thing isnt it , so id say theres 2 problems here , one with your daughter and another one in terms of he doesnt apear to respect your relationship with your daughter.

I just felt that him saying those things to me (and it's not the first time he has said similar in the past) was completely disrespectful to me.

He can control himself in front of DD and other people, he just spouts this bile to me when we are alone. Makes me .

But on the other hand he is good with her practically and we have good times together too. It really hurts if this has to be the end, but I just can't deal with him being so harsh and nasty about my DD.

I couldn't deal with someone like this being a step father to my DD. Plus as it's clear to you that he feels this way, I cannot see how he can make any comment about her without you jumping on it (which is natural. It would be awful if it continued as your younger child grew up and it became noticeable to them both.

God I thought your dd was a teenager. You did the right thing. You need to put her first.

im a bloke. he sounds like a cunt to say that about a 5 year old.

1. fuck him off
2. improve your taste in men

You have written that when you come home from a stressful job you come home to an empty house and you feel empty.

The problem here is that you can't see life beyond the couple you were. Your house is far from empty with your two children in it. They will give you all the unconditional love you need.

A man in your life should accept you and your children. Well done for putting the welfare of your child before yourself and your partner's needs.

I'm getting mixed messages here I think, but thanks for all the help and advice so far

I think I have been hoping against hope that things will change and he will stop saying the hurtful things. His mum has told me that he confided in her that he has all sorts of problems dealing with the step-father dynamic - ie - jealousy at reminder of 'another man' having been with me, feeling disloyal to his own DS if he is too close to my DD, etc etc.
But whatever the reasons, I can't live like this or put the kids through this.

The thing is , I miss the good times and like I said my job is very demanding and at times scary and although coming home to the kids is great and I look forward to it, I cannot rely on them for support and adult company .

I know he will be back soon enough , because he has taken DS for childcare reasons as I work 12-hour shifts and he is the main carer - M-I-L is having DD 6am until school time just now and then she's in aftercare until I finish at 6. He says he really doesn't want to leave because he loves me. I said I find that really hard to believe because of what he said.

I'm also cautious of my position legally as he cares for both kids 4 days per week whilst I do 12-hr shifts. He works from home and only needs to go to the office 1 day per week. So as far as I'm aware he can apply for custody of DS seeing as he is the main carer. I really wouldn't want that, but can't cut back on my job because we need it financially . Wish I could but just not feasible at the moment. Sometimes I want to stay with him solely so I can live with my DS but then he says something like this and I realise how unhappy we all would be would be living a lie..

grrrr. My head is mush.

Why don't you suggest you both go to see a counselor, such as relate, to talk through your issues?

I think DD will have picked up on it. When he finds her irritating his intolerance is going to show - that's a whole different look from impatience/irritation. What's more, your other DC wil also pick up on it so you'd be storing up some issues for the both of them. I agree you did the right thing.

It's possible he will revisit his attitude (we can change our feelings if we want to) ... but you mustn't even harbour a hope of that, or your sanction will weaken & he'll get that he doesn't need to really change. It's evidently very hard for you; I share your concern about access/residence under your present arrangement.

Sure the first thing is to talk to your work about this: you need some adult support for yourself, and to find out what options are available re childcare and so on. Make a CAB appointment, too.

Good luck - and phone your friends!

I'm with Mummytime too. You need to see a counsellor before you can really declare the relationship over. For the sake of your son you must try. It doesn't sound unsalvagable, but you both need help to make it work.

Sorry, can I ask what age he is?

posted too quickly, agree with needafootmassage and IseeGraceAhead for what it's worth

He is 31 , so old enough to know better , although he has said before he never saw himself having children with his previous long-term girlfriends and he was young free and single when we met.

You are right, I don't want this relationship to end and he has shown the capacity to change before, but I absolutely don't want to live like this. He shows signs of being abusive (from what I have read on here) - ie the nasty comments not said in front of anyone else and also if he feels he has finished discussing an issue he will just go completely silent as if he's 'waiting' for me to shut up , then he changes the subject to something mundane to make it look like I'm being unreasonable for talking about it. In the past I have written him letters and he has openly put them in the bin in front of me. If challenged he will say that he feels we have already put said each of our sides and just leave it at that, or "if you don't like me leave me then" He does on occasion apologise and then tweak and change things about his behaviour, but always on his own accord, he hates being 'nagged'. Recently I have resorted to just giving a short to the point sentence on why i feel he is being out of order then clearing off until he realises he is wrong and amends it , for example when he spent the whole of DS's birthday moaning because I had invited other children I pulled him up on it and he ignored me but 5 mins later he changed, and started to participate in the games willingly without moaning at all.
It is very confusing. Some of the behaviours listed as abusive on the hidden hurt link actually apply to me too .

He point blank refuses to go to any counsellor. I've been thinking for a long while maybe I need to go to one myself, if only to get this clear in my head.

Is he likely to want custody though, given his previous comments?

He has said before that he would 'much prefer' to have custody of DS (his biological child) but of course I "could see DS as much as I like".
Don't know how much I believe him though. I do believe that he wouldn't leave here without DS. I'd have to get police to remove him and as he hasn't been violent and is in joint names with him as the main carer I couldn't do that.

I actually inherited another property about 10 mins away from our house which is solely mine and neither of us has ever lived in. At times I think I should just move there with DD and he can share 'our' house with DS . As I would still have keys and be paying most of the rent on 'our' house then at least I could see my DS often instead of him getting custody and moving away to his mums. He doesn't earn enough to rent somewhere and wouldn't go homeless he would go to his mum's . I wouldn't have to pay 2 rents, the other one is already paid for although what stops me is that it's in such an awful area, at least it is awful at night so we would have to stay in after 7 or get taxis everywhere (I'm not just saying that - think gangs, murders,rapes, people selling their daughters in the street and the windows in 'my' flat got smashed in last week). Is this a crazy idea?