Not sure if I'm doing the right thing?

[anothercupoftea]

testing my namechange

Hello (again) . Just popping back to ask some more experienced ladies what they make of the situation?

He left an answerphone message on my phone yesterday , all "I love you, I didn't ever want us to be apart, It's just not fair" .....(but no apologies for what he said )

But when I went to collect DS I tried to talk with him about access etc and he just said

"I'm upset and tired speak to you tomorrow"

This morning an exchange of texts-

Him- I love you. I can't come back tonight because remember I have my mum's retirement party to go to. Don't want to lose you. (He has obviously assumed he will stay away for a few days and he will automatically just come back without mention of what he said)

Me - The things you said about DD were unforgivable. When you are going to speak with me about DS let me know

Him - I can't believe I mean so little to you. You'd have me replaced by another fast enough. So much for sticking by each other. I couldn't do that to you, what does that say?

Me - I can't believe you are blaming this on me - YOU SAID THOSE THINGS ABOUT DD!

Him - all i did was look after her every day. You don't love me that much

Me - You said (I repeated what he said) about DD!

Him - We've said a lot to each other. I didn't mean that. My brother is taking the phone to work. Love , (P)

and - He really doesn't get it, does he?
What should I do, I feel so alone tonight. Usually our house is buzzing with mutual friends on a Friday night but they are all staying away . I miss 'our' life, but at the same time from his texts I realise he isn't going to take responsibility for what he said, isn't really sorry and expects instant forgiveness then gets annoyed when he doesn't get it.

Personally.. I couldn't live with a man who felt that way about my child. He doesnt even think he should apologise for it, He sounds childish and stubborn. Cut your losses and leave him,your children are way more important than him. He may be able to modify the words that come out of his mouth but he cant change how he feels and he feels that he does not like or want to spend time with one of your children.

I know you are really young and all the "Missing our life" and "our house is usually buzzing on a Friday" is normal but I keep thinking - oh my god the poor child who's mother's boyfriend doesn't like her. Kids are so attuned to who likes them and who doesn't. An old friend of mine married a guy with a baby son and try as she might (didn't try too hard actually) she never liked him as much as her own kids and he knew this as clearly as anything. He was an outsider in his own family and it was heartbreaking to see. All grown up now and totally estranged. I have a small dd and if I were ever in your position I would run a mile from anyone who wasn't able to (eventually) love my child. Simply tolerating (which your guy barely does) is nowhere near good enough. Move on.

Thanks x

It's really hard though as my DS is 'our' child together so would mean splitting into a sort of "me and DD" and "him and DS" situation.

I have tried so hard with this and he has modified alot of his behaviour but still comes out with the nasty stuff

When I started reading your thread I thought that it sounded as if it was probably better that you were apart if he really does feel that way about your DD. Having read your other posts I'm wondering if he really does feel this way or if he was speaking out of frustration. Of course, if these kinds of comments are regular then probably not.

I'm wondering if it would be possible for you both to speak with someone neutral (counsellor?) about your true feelings and how you both see your family. One thing I would really like to point out is that your/his DS is also your DD's brother. No doubt they love each other too. I'm not sure he is seeing you as a family unit with DD but, equally, I'm not totally convinced that he's speaking from the heart about your DD.

Sorry, probably not much help at all.

What bothers me about this is that you say the problems started when you moved in together ( re dd ) and yet, without resolving them, you went on and had ds together. Did you think the small issue of dh not liking your dd would just vanish?

I know whats done is done, but it is something that was really important and it was swept under the carpet.

There are so many step families that it may seem normal for kids to grow up without bio dads/mums, but that does not mean its not a very difficult scenario. People have biological imperatives to bond more with their own child, so its not hard to see why your partner struggled. What he said was out of order, but he was speaking from a postion of fruastration. Do you think he feels constrained when it comes to disciplinging her, because she is not his own?

I have a step son, i dont see him too often because of distance. I have grown very fond of him over ten years, but i cannot be sure i love him. I would never harm him, or wish harm on him. But love?

What's difficult here is your dh, unlike me, lives full time with dd, another mans child. Yes, she is yours, and he loves you, but when her behaviour is 'challenging'. i bet it is the other man he sees, not the cute little girl she undoubtedly is.

As a complete aside, what are you finding so difficult to deal with in her recent behaviour?

I think you've done the right thing. He resents your daughter and doesn't want her around. She will already have picked up on that and it will affect her entire childhood if it continues unchecked. You stood up for her and put her first. That is the right thing to do.

I sympathise with your ex to some extent - it's not easy being a step-parent - but I think if he cannot get over those feelings and rise above them, he has no place in your daughter's life or home.

Now you just have to stay strong and work out a way to move forward for all of you.

Hello and thanks for all your help. I have been crying all day and it's my birthday today .

I'm afraid I think it really is over. I phoned him and he wasn't very nice about anything (despite it being my birthday) , he said he is not coming for my birthday, his mum is going to instead ????. He said he is sorry for what he said but he can't help the way he feels (resentful) of DD and he has been trying to keep it in for ages. >wails and cries emoticon< (me). He said he is upset and did love me but he didn't envisgen feeling this way but he has.
I sort of went upset and mad that he didn't care about my birthday and he said "YOU threw me out of the house, the only way I would come back there is to get my stuff" - wasn't particularly nice about it.

The way I see it is if he was sorry and just frustrated he would have apologised profusely and basically reassured that he can in fact deal with DD and begged to come back. no? This reaction tells me he doesn't really want to come back or counselling, although he did sound upset about losing me.

God this is terrible .

Perfumedlife, It was all discussed in great detail before we decided to move in together and have DS. We sat up for days talking about it. He said at the time that the dynamic would have to be that they were treated completely equally by both of us and he had all these great ideas of how it would all work, but the reality was different when it actually happened.

He does discipline her but she has started to 'fight' with her little brother and obviously there is a clash of loyalties there.

Re - her behaviour - drawing on walls, hitting me , tantrums, shutting her little brother out of rooms etc. I can see through it at the end of the day because she is a lovely little girl most of the time and is my daughter, but obviously he doesn't feel the same way and feels trapped.

I think we are doomed. It's almost as if he is deliberately being horrible because he feels guilty about not being able to do the step-family thing, and knows he can't do it. It's like he wants me to do all the dirty work of throwing him out, which actually seems to be what he wants, iyswim?

Sorry I'm rambling and really upset so probably not making much sense here!

I can't say happy birthday! I can wish that your birthday marks a positive turning point for you, though, so have that - and please do your best to rally some friends round for comfort & company.

I've re-read your post about yesterday's texts several times. I think that No, he doesn't get it and Yes, it tells you some things about him that you'd rather weren't true. He takes too much for granted. He apportions love as if it were a finite resource. He has determined that your daughter isn't 'worth' as much love as your son.

Whatever else you do, please make a CAB appointment and make some practical efforts to find out what options are available. Your children aren't belongings to be shared out along with the DVDs. You are BOTH their mother. Don't move your family into the other flat, offer it to him if you want to. But get grown-up advice before you offer anything.

Good luck.

Oh so sorry this is all happening on your birthday. He is acting like a big kid, toys out the pram. Try to not contact him for a few days. Things need to be talked through, but hopefully when the reality has sunk in with him.

I rarely ever advocate counselling but i also think in your case it could be helpful. Please dont do anything rash like handing him custody of your son, or moving out your home just yet. Get some advice, but try to get some joint counselling, or even go alone.

Do you have family that can help with childcare at the minute?

From reading the OPs posts it has already been stated he will not go to counselling.

This man thought he could deal with the stepfather dynamic but when push has come to shove he cannot. Some men just cannot handle the thought of having to take care of another man's child (in this case your DD). However, you and she came together as a package; he cannot have one without the other. He is an immature manchild and your DD has picked up on the fact that she is not liked/loved as much as her sibling hence her current behaviours.

I think you have done the right thing and put your children first. They don't need such a stepfather in their day to day lives.

I think counselling is a good idea for your own self as such men can and do knock self esteem and worth.

Coolfonz's reply to you was crude - but also apposite.

Oh anothercupoftea I'm so sorry. What an awful time for this to happen too.

It didnt suprise me when you said he'd amitted that he resented your dd and it reminded him of you being with another man as that is what i thought from your OP.

Unless he can treat her and think of her as his own its not ever going to work. FFs he has been with you since she was a baby.

Thanks all for your support.

I have been tearful all day. MIL came down to collect the kids as 'we' were supposed to be going out today. I tried to think positive so went for a bath but I honestly didn't even have enough energy in me to wash my hair I feel so flattened by his treatment of me. I went to sleep for a couple of hours and had dreams about trying to talk things through with him but him being horrible and his friend turning up to go a bike ride and him going with the friend instead.

The MIL will help , and I could maybe go to my sisters but they will just say "I told you so" and I don't know if I can face that.

I won't move into the other flat - the area is (seriously) awful. True to form, he has said nothing about what he wants to happen but I ascertain from what his mum has said he wants joint residency of DS but isn't interested in the house.

Think I may need counselling on my own. I have had a number for a counsellor for ages but a lot of my issues are tied up in a past I'm embarrassed about and think the counsellor would focus too much on to the exclusion of other issues because of the nature of the thing I'm embarrassed about.

xxx

sorry if I'm not making much sense.

Interesting that your sisters "told you so". What is it that they picked up on? I'm not going to poke you about the issue from your past - but wonder if it left you feeling vulnerable around men?

Counsellors can't 'make' you talk about things, you know. They just help you put the picture together.

Hi Grace (-:

I don't know what they picked up on, but one of my sisters is really judgmental and picks apart lots of things I do. She makes comments about me having 2 kids by different fathers (my family is really conservative and religious) so they would probably think "oh she has done it again, another failed relationship"

An example - Once I said to her I was feeling sick. Her reply "Oh god I really hope you're not pregnant again" Like it would be a failure, not a happy occasion. Doesn't make me feel v.good about myself tbh so I avoid one of my sisters.

I wouldn't say so much that I feel vulnerable around men, it's just that I have seen the not-so-nice side of a lot of men, and maybe my self-esteem took a bit of a battering from it. I went to a counsellor once before and as soon as she found out about the past , it was like every single thing I brought up was the result of my past even when it was an obviously unrelated issue.

Thank you, cuppa :) I see what you mean. You've been plagued by people doing their best to bring you down, haven't you? I suspect this is what leads to you feel unsure about ending your relationship with a man who doesn't meet the basic criterion for a woman with existing children. You're going to have to lose this background desire for others' approval (maybe your family's in particular) and you're right, the most effective way to do it is with the help of a counsellor.

I wish you and I had had each other's counsellors when we first started! I had to practically force mine to take my childhood into consideration; yours seem to have pushed it too hard. The facts are that everyone is created by their past - the good and the bad - you can't pretend you were born as a fully-fledged adult, history-free. Anyone's issues can be approached in many different ways, though, and there's nothing at all wrong with starting at "today" then working backwards as needed. You sound lovely - I do hope you find the right kind of support or yourself now.
Do take care! PUT YOURSELF & YOUR KIDS FIRST :)

< support or yourself > ???!!
for yourself - not one or the other