Is Mumsnet healthy for relationships?

[Footlong]

I am starting to wonder. The plethora of anguished threads, all seem to get similar responses. Mainly around dengrating the husband or male partner. This is usually based on the one sided initial complaint of the thread starter.

All to quick the advice to 'leave the husband' is trotted out, and the original posters views are validated and sympathy given. But isnt this a symptom of the internet age? We only hear one side of the story, we dont know if the facts are fairly presented, we dot know the people involved, if they are even facts at all! But of course we cant accuse people of lying, when in we are in reality ignorant.

I have actually got quite annoyed with some of the anti-male advice given on here, that encourages destruction of a family from the safety of the internet. In isolation this advice might be valid, but given the one sided nature of the complaint, I can but wonder if people arent just validating someones bad behaviour dressed up as being a victim.

I started a new thread on this because I dont want to accuse anyone directly, this is just a general observation. In times past people got this sort of advice from friends and family. Friends and family know the people involved and can often see both sides more accurately and possibly tell the complainant a few home truths and point out that often (not always obviously!) it takes 2 to create a realtionship disaster zone.
Our anonymous faces on the internet validating peoples decision to seperate a family unit is a very dangerous thing to do when we only hear one side.

But what can you do? Refuse to give people advice or support? Call them a liar? No... it is a conundrum. Possibly the only way is to sometimes try and read between the lines and question.

"This is usually based on the one sided initial complaint of the thread starter."
Well yes, it would be footlong.

It's an internet forum, not a marriage relate counselling session - of course you get one side : why? only one side is posting..

it's a women's board - mostly you get a women's story.

if you want to hear both sides, go to relate and train as a counsellor.

This isn't a moot court, where there is a judge and barristers all questioning the protagonists/ defendants.

It's an INTERNET forum, a women's one. Of course you'll see the women's posts on here, and the women's replies based on their own experience.

If women decide that the relationship is a bad un from the answers of a website, so be it. You think 'she' never thought to leave the relationship before so-and-so posted those words at X time?

They are responsible for their lives - would you like to see this women's site closed down or something Footlong, because men don't get a look in on their partner's threads?
Please.

Women come here to sound out their worries and concerns because men aren't here.

I very much doubt they have never thought about leaving and suddenly have an epiphany after reading a post. Sometimes people need permission to do what they were already thinking of doing.

@purplepeony
I went on another website and there was someone there called purple something. I assumed it was the mner called pp, and I proceeded to write an excrusiatingly honest account of what had led up to my reaching that website and my profound thanks to you (pp) for sending me there. (And) not just to a website, the advice given was a bit more than that.

The very nice person replied that I had got the wrong person. But that the person who had been meant to get the long long thank you must be a very good friend.

Whenever I get into one of those conversations about whether the net is a force for good or evil, I cite mn, and in particular pp.

Hmm, Whoknew. Just because you knew the people in RL doesn't necessarily mean that you knew the extent of abuse that might have been occuring behind closed doors. Counselling is NO GOOD when there is abuse happening, and no competent counsellor will engage in treating couples when one partner is abusing the other.
Remember that a lot of abusers are very good indeed at presenting a public picture of themselves as lovely reasonable charming people saddled with whiny or difficult partners when, in private, they are systematiclaly torturing those 'difficult' partners, hence the difficult behaviour.

It is possible that the poster who was advised to leave and did so was a self-obsessed whiner who blamed everything on his/her partner, of course (I have, obviously, no idea of which poster/situation you mean and really don't want to know, either), but in that case the dumped partner is still better off to be out of such a relationship.

Ahhhhh forever that is so sweet of you. No, it wasn't me on the other forum. I wish I could identify you and the help I had given, as I don't recognise your new name. However, I am truly pleased that I was able to help in some way and that you have been able to make changes to your life and health.

pp I always think you give good advice

thanks so much!

I have posted on here myself about my relationship with now XP after the fact and when i posted i was looking for some truth
When i talk to RL friends and family who "know" us both, they all say the same thing "he loves you really", "he didn't mean it" "he'll be back" and when he stopped seeing DC, RL f&f said "he's going through a bad time" "he loves them" don't believe he wouldnt see them" crap like that
I post on here for a fresh perspective, because people on the inside cant always see what is really happening or choose to close their eyes to it, but people looking in can say when something isnt right because they dont know the people involved and most have been through the same thing as you have, chances are op is looking for someone to tell them their right, when i first posted we had just parted and i was very low and talking to anyone in RL they were all telling me he'd be back, when i posted on here people were saying why would you want him back i always put both what i have said and done as well as him but i think if your posting here you already know the answer and what you want to do, people who say to leave are probably trying to spare op any further heart ache or possible abuse as they can probably see whats coming next through their own experiences
you may or may not agree with me but i just wanted to add my take on it

I an new to this forum but I see already where purplepeony is coming from - age and experience do make you look at things in a very different way.

MacDoodle-

"Footlong "And destruction of a family is a bad thing."

You have no idea do you???"

Well that is just plain rude...

You are typical of the problems I was commenting on. The destruction of your family was a bad thing, I am sure you would have preferred it if your husband hadnt destroyed your family by being such a douche.

I am sure if you could have chosen your husband to not have done the things he did, and instead had been a caring loving husband and father to your kids, then you would have chosen that. Him destroyuing your family was a bad thing, and nothing you can say will change my mind that destroying a family is a bad thing.
Unless you are going to suddenly starty saying 'Actually my ex almost killing me and destroying my family.. yeah great!'

I am always gobsmacked by how switched-on some of the younger posters are with regard to abusive relationships on this forum.

I am 'older' ,(53 on wed!) and I have only just woken up to what was going on in my life. Absolute respect to those younger posters who can see what is happening in their relationships and run for the hills with their children before those children are damaged beyond repair by the abuse they witness, or the manipulation by their abusive parent.

It's not the one who leaves who destroys the relationship, it's the one who abuses.

And usually, the OP is asked if the behaviour they are describing is part of a larger pattern, or is a one-off from an otherwise loving partner.

The thing about abuse...from my experience..(as an older person doncha-know), is that it follows set patterns. The only reason I discovered that the life i was living, (which had driven me to suicidal thoughts - success at that would have been good for my children!)was not normal and was in fact one abuser after another, was because I saw behaviours in a partner that I had seen in my parents. I researched these behaviours and found that they are described in detail as personality disorders.

Even if a PD is not the reason, abusers do follow patterns, and these patterns can be recognised by those of us who have experienced these . Spotting these at an early stage is something that is a Very Good Thing, and indeed is now being introduced in schools, which can only be a good thing. This will hopefully break the cycle of abuse, which goes down the generations, as the children are 'trained' to choose partners just like their abusive parent, or their co-dependent or 'martyr' parent.

Had I not 'destroyed my family', I would now be dead, one of my children would have gone on to be an abuser and the other would have huge depression problems, with all that means for their life.

People who state that families must be kept together at the expense of one member's mental health, and usually the damage of the children's mental health too, should just think a little before they spout. You have no idea what the life experiences of the abuser or the abused are, and lucky you that you have not experienced this.

Abuse in families is so complex in many respects, but so simple in others, that pontificating about not destroying families in very unhelpful.

And yes of course my life experiences are reflected in my postings..that's the whole point of a forum isn't it?

brilliant post, GAG

Footlong - you're not making any sense to me.

First you say that destroying a family is a bad thing, than you say that a woman who comes on here to look for support when she is leaving her husband to save her family is a bad thing.

I think you are not seeing what all the women on the relationship boards can see as clearly as day.

A 'family' does not have to include having an abusive husband / father around.

To 'save a family' sometimes the abusive husband has to be pushed out of the nest.

And for the record, women don't choose the behaviour of their husbands. He is in change of all the choices he makes.

When women come on to Mumsnet to seek advice and anecdotal experience from other women in their situations, they are not blind sheep nodding their heads and doing what they are told. They are real women with sometimes very secret concerns, who have thought long and hard about all of their options, sometimes in very very dangerous and difficult circumstances.

No women who has been in a relationship that is in anyway abusive suddenly gets the idea to leave it from an INTERNET forum. She already has had that plan in her mind.

What women posting on the 'leave him' threads are looking for is practical advice on how to execute their survival plan.

To say that relationships threads are bad for relationships is specious. The relationship of a loving marriage between two equals doesn't come up here because it doesn't have to.

So to conclude, no the relationships thread is not bad for relationships.

It sometimes saves families.

"MacDoodle-

"Footlong "And destruction of a family is a bad thing."

You have no idea do you???"

Well that is just plain rude...

You are typical of the problems I was commenting on. The destruction of your family was a bad thing, I am sure you would have preferred it if your husband hadnt destroyed your family by being such a douche.

I am sure if you could have chosen your husband to not have done the things he did, and instead had been a caring loving husband and father to your kids, then you would have chosen that. Him destroyuing your family was a bad thing, and nothing you can say will change my mind that destroying a family is a bad thing.
Unless you are going to suddenly starty saying 'Actually my ex almost killing me and destroying my family.. yeah great!'"

This doesn't even make sense?? I don't understand where you're coming from footlong.

footlong seems to be fogging his brain up by musing about the size of his nob, tbh

i was about to say its been terrible for my marriage cos i tend to ignore my husband whilst I'm on...

but this thread has taken a wholly more serious direction...

LOL @ AF and Edgar!

My psychotherapist told me last week that Mental Health services are facing huge cuts in funding, and she is having to battle just for the maintenance of the status quo in our area. I had to wait over 2 years for any help. I know this is a different thread really, but how much must be spent on sorting out the fallout from abusive relationships?

If these could be stopped before they even start would that not be a better way to go?

Catching them when they are young is the key. it's too late when the abuser is an entitled selfish adult , of either gender.

The damage done to children living in homes with an abuser takes years and years of therapy to undo...if it ever really can be.

Yes, if you tell your problems to a group of internet posters, they are only going to get your version and their advice will be based on what you tell them. The same is true of the friends you meet for coffee mornings and your mother and sister and your GP. So what is the answer, Footlong? That women are never to be allowed to talk to other people except when accompanied by their husbands who check up that the information given will not lead to any skewered advice?

The way it appears to me is that OP seems to be making two points. Firstly that this site is biased in favour of one gender and secondly that that bias is unhealthy at best and potentially destructive at worst.

To answer what I think is the first point, well yes it is, which is why I spent a long time when my relationship was having difficulties, getting the perspective and insight from a range of people I wouldn't come across in RL or perhaps wouldn't feel comfortable giving their opinions in RL. I didn't post at the time because I didn't want to discuss my situation in a public forum, but nevertheless found enough similarites in other's posts to get some salient advice and perspectives.

Somebody made a point about patterns of behaviour and I could certainly see that there were signs of our relationship following similar paths to others, which I may either not have become aware of or it may have just taken longer - either way I personally benefitted from that.

The second point is about the advice here being destructive or not - I think one can assume given how few posts there are from people saying how negatively this site has impacted on their lives/relationships exist compared to people saying the opposite; continually using this resource and giving their time in the hope that others will benefit from their experience, that the second point simply isn't true.

There is plenty of space on the internet for a mindbogglingly varied amount of opinions, but like Real life institutions a space where women have voice and can express that without judgement is rarer than tropical fishkeeping forums -

Brilliant post, zazen. And ha, cory.