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Original poster

Lying - it IS a big deal, right?

33 replies

AufDerMaur · 08/09/2010 12:55

Since DP and I got together he has lied many many times. At the beginning of the relationship he lied about his past, he lied about his ex, he lied about his day to day activities (like telling me he'd been swimming when he'd actually not left the house etc). I had it out with him, he said he recognised there was a problem and that he'd stop doing it. A few months passed and I just happened to come across a letter one day that suggested a major lie was in force. Dug a little deeper and it turned out he was lying about loans, credit cards and various other debts. We got that solved. Again he promised he'd stop lying. A few months went past and I found out he'd been lying about his current day to day activities, like telling me he'd popped to the bakery for lunch when really he'd gone to a resteraunt. I had it out with him again, this time he retaliated and asked why its such an issue when the things I'm on about don't even effect me. I said the point was he was constantly being dishonest. His excuse was "yeah but why do you care about where I had my lunch??" - he just doesn't get it, its the level of dishonesty, not the fact that he had lunch somewhere other than a bakery etc!
So again, he said he'd stop lying and just be straight with me from now on.
Now, a few nights ago he told me he was going out with a few blokes from work. He named one specific bloke. I said "ok".
This morning I logged onto the PC, went to facebook and he'd accidently left his logged in. On there was a message from a woman he works with about the night out they were going on. Not just the two of them, but a few people from work and she had arranged it.
So basically he's lied again. I text him and asked why he lied and his excuse was "If you don't care that I'm going, why are you bothered about who I'm going with?" I'M NOT! I'M PISSED OFF ABOUT YET MORE LYING!!

So is he right?? Am I overreacting because he's lying about stuff that doesn't affect me or am I right in being pissed off about constant dishonesty?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/09/2010 13:01

No you are not overreacting at all.

Why though do you continue to have a relationship with such an individual who has probably lied to you from day 1?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

The root causes of such issues are deeply rooted (you cannot even begin to even try to solve such issues) and would never be resolved by discussion alone.

toja555 · 08/09/2010 13:01

You are not overreacting. I, personally, couldn't be with such person. There is a major hole in how he was brought up. Think of your future children, and what example he would set for them. Not good at all...
And.. no matter how many promises, he will not change...

Original poster
AufDerMaur · 08/09/2010 13:02

See what I've tried to tell him is if he can lie about all this stuff, I can only assume he will lie about other stuff. How can I ever trust him??

OP posts:
quiddity · 08/09/2010 13:05

No, you're not overreacting.
You can't trust him even on the most basic small things, and the lies about the debts show you can't trust him on big ones either.
You've tried talking to him about it and he won't even admit that there's a problem.
End of.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/09/2010 13:05

Short answer is you cannot.
No trust - no relationship.

I again have to ask what if anything you are getting out of this relationship now.

I am not one to readily say end this now but in your case I feel you have no other option. He will otherwise continue to drag you down with him and take you for a fool.

toja555 · 08/09/2010 13:05

OP, you can't trust him..

Hassled · 08/09/2010 13:06

The fact that he doesn't get what it is you're upset about doesn't bode well, tbh. Lying is a huge deal to me - my DH lied about something quite major a good few years ago, and we got past it partly because he understood that it was the lie more than the action that was the problem, IYSWIM.

Do you have DCs together? What are his redeeming features? Is the good stuff worth tolerating the lying - because there's no way the lying will stop, is there?

warthog · 08/09/2010 13:07

nope, you can't trust him.

castlesintheair · 08/09/2010 13:07

Exactly. If he lies about everything (as you assume) how can you trust him? He needs to get some help. You can't fix it for him but you do need to think about where you go from here.

IseeGraceAhead · 08/09/2010 13:28

It means you can't have a relationship with him, because you don't know him.

If you're content to live with a stranger, then fine. I can't say I'd recommend it.

Wordweaver · 08/09/2010 13:31

I agree with above comments. Lying eats away at relationships - it's a rotten, damaging thing to do.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 15:00

He sounds like an absolute pillock

I couldn't respect someone like that, sorry

AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 15:13

ah, the penny drops

this is the bloke with severe road rage who "play" punches you

you are in one hell of a bad relationship

now I suggest you stick to one thread about this, stop revealing stuff by stealth, get some proper advice, and listen to it

celticfairy101 · 08/09/2010 15:16

You np's behaviour is very like my stbexh. Little lies cover and mask bigger ones. A bakery and debt are morphed into one as it takes the edge of responsibility away from the big lies. A good person has no fear about hiding things and facing the consequences.

Just curious (and please don't answer if you don't want to), how do you know he lied about his ex? Someone who lies about their ex is someone you really don't want to be wasting your valuable time with.

He may rock your boat sexually (I'm guessing there has to be something great to keep you and he together), but a long and satisfying sex life depends on mutual honesty and trust.

perfumedlife · 08/09/2010 15:36

A relationship without trust is no relationship worth having, as all the betrayed women on here can testify.

Why are you still with him, knowing he is a compulsive liar? Its a serious character flaw.

perfumedlife · 08/09/2010 15:39

You KNOW lying is a big deal, what i want to know is why you are asking us? What does it matter what we think? Are you really looking for someone to tell you that you should leave?

He is most probably lying when he tells you he loves you too. Why wouldnt he? He lies about everything else.

Algebra18MinusPiEquals16 · 08/09/2010 15:46

he won't ever change, time to end this relationship I'm afraid.

I can't help but be concerned about your own sense of self worth if you've stuck with somebody who doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth.

madonnawhore · 08/09/2010 16:03

Yes it's a big deal. It's a big enough deal to end the relationship. It doesn't matter whether he tries to minimise it or thinks you're overreacting, the fact is you can't trust him and are unhappy which are big enough reasons in themselves to leave. Which I think you should do.

redderthanred · 08/09/2010 16:05

liars dont ever change. My ex husband used to ( and still does) lie all the time. About everything.
Even stupid things about what he had for breakfast.

Drove me mad, he either didnt know he was doing it, or ... i have no idea why he did it??

point is - he will never change. Get out now!

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 08/09/2010 16:26

Get shot. This is utterly bizarre behaviour and has to be a dealbreaker in any relationship, I'd imagine.

You can't change someone, and besides - how would you ever know that they had changed if they constantly lied anyway? Sounds utterly exhausting.

nickelbabe · 08/09/2010 16:39

AufDerMAur - i agree with SGB from your other thread.

you have to look at everything in this relationship and decide whether it's such a good plan to be with this man.

he's agressive, but only when he knows he can get away with it
he hits you, even in "play" - harder than you hit him, even when you made it clear you weren't playing anymore
he lied to you constantly
and he was aggressive when you pulled him up on it.

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/09/2010 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MoralDefective · 08/09/2010 23:03

You can't trust a liar...that's what my Mum always said and it's true....i don't think DP has ever lied to me but i know it would drive me out of my mind if i found out he had....and that is no matter how 'small' the lie was.

Snorbs · 08/09/2010 23:14

He's an habitual liar. He will lie to you about stuff. That's what they do. And he will also be lying to you when he promises never to lie to you again. You do realise that, don't you.

Don't you? He is a liar, after all.

He's not going to change and you don't have the right to insist that he changes. Either choose to accept that he will lie to you whenever and wherever he likes, or choose to live a life without that doesn't have that kind of childish bullshit in it.

BelleDameSansMerci · 08/09/2010 23:20

Anyone who lies when they could as easily tell the truth is to be avoided, I think. I used to be with a man exactly as yours appears to be. I escaped with my credit rating ruined and my self respect in tatters.

If he is lying about everything (which he clearly is) what else is untrue? One of my friends went out with a man like this (heaven knows where we find them all) and he ripped her off for over £35k, destroyed her self esteem and made her feel so low that she hasn't been out with anyone for over five years. Get shot, I think.