We've lost that loving feeling............

[Rhubarb]

Am 21 weeks up the duff. Dh and I haven't done anything for months now and I feel that we are losing that closeness and intimacy we used to have. I feel so emotionally blank that I'm not even bothered about hugs and kisses. I know he's getting frustrated, and I'm sad that things aren't right between us. Anyone any tips?

A romantic night out together won't magic everything better, but perhaps help you to talk and feel more intimate. It's hard to feel like a lover when all day long you are busy being a mum.

This might sound odd, but could you just go along with him next time he tries to be affectionate/sexual and see how it goes? DH and I have a very volatile relationship and there are times when I don't want to be touched but go along with it and it can be surprisingly nice. Other times I'm just very detached and thinking about other things.

I agree with Janstar that it is difficult to feel sexy and in the mood when you're a busy mum covered in all sorts by the end of the day. However, it is you and your dh that are the main part of your family and without things being right between the two of you then the rest will gradually fall apart. At the end of the day all men have needs and in my opinion are more likely to take up the offer of 'outside' attention if they don't feel they are getting it at home. When i was pregnant i felt so unsexy and the thought of anything intimate just didn't feel right but for my own peace of mind and to stop any of those insecure feelings about my husband going elsewhere i just forced myself every few days and then didn't feel bad about saying no on my days off so to speak! I know the last thing you feel like doing is getting dolled up or making yourself look a bit glam but do try to make the effort because it can make you feel alot better and a bit more in the mood plus going out together can always help. At the moment you sound really sad that things aren't right between the two of you but if you were to show him some affection i'm sure this doubt will go - hormones have a big part to play as well. I remember those feelings of wanting to want to have intimacy but not feeling like it and use to cry alot thinking that our relationship was doomed but once i started to make the effort and once the baby was born things were back to how they were. Good luck

I agree with everything Teletubby has said. I felt just the same when I was pregnant but used the same tactics as she. My DH knew that a lot of the time I was doing it just for him but he understood that I was so tired and loved me the more for making the effort. I also made time to reassure him that things would get back to normal when I had my body back again.

Think how awful you would feel if your DH got out of the habit of touching you in a natural way out of affection - don't isolate him.

I know it's hard - but all relationships need lots of effort so they can be the best we can make them.

I completely disagree. Men are not animals unable to control their feelings and justified in seeking outside 'attention' (or whatever euphemism you want to use for infidelity) when their wives are pregnant. But that's a whole other discussion, maybe best not had here. Rhubarb, if it's any consolation, my libido came back a couple of weeks ago so maybe yours will too soon - IIRC you're a few weeks behind me. Remember Miranda saying in Sex and The City "so this is why you're supposed to be married when you're pregnant, so there's someone who HAS to have sex with you". so I do think some of us have phases of feeling up for it when pregnant but for me it's ebbed and flowed. I think it sounds as if you maybe need to talk a bit more - I need to be feeling good about my relationship and to be feeling some intimacy to want sex - just following on from the stuff on the home birth thread about your DH not being keen and feeling unable to discuss it or support you. Maybe if you could talk about that and come to an agreement you might feel closer to him and more likely to want to show affection? I do think an evening out where you get a chance to talk to each other with no interuptions might also help. Will post again if I think of anything.

Oh My God!
Tellytubby did you really write "At the end of the day all men have needs and in my opinion are more likely to take up the offer of 'outside' attention if they don't feel they are getting it at home" and believe that this was acceptable. Why the F should you have to force yourself to F
I went completely off sex for the first 3 months of my pregnancy, and yes, dh got frustrated, but he would never, ever have dreamed of going elsewhere - he got me pregnant so he had to live with the consequences. Once my bump got big dh went off sex - (bless him he thought he might be big enough to hurt the baby ) Unfortunately I then became incredibly horny, but I put up with the frustration because I understood how he felt. I abhor the idea that either partner should have sex just to keep the other happy. And I would hate to feel that my partner was doing that.

To deal with your situation Rhubarb what exactly is it you miss. Do you want to have sex, or do you want to be able to feel close and intimate without having to have sex? You really do have enough on your plate right now without worrying about how he feels - have you actually talked this over with him because he sounds like the kind of guy who would hate for you to be worrying about this.
Could you suggest he gives you a massage - you need to be careful about the oils you use, but it would be nice for you, and if the circumstances are right could lead to more. Or get him to tell you 10 things that he loves about your body (hands on if you want) - an ego boost always makes me feel better. I do think sometimes we need to push ourselves o get into the right mindset for intimacy - but for our own sakes, not to please a man.

I agree that men are not animals but like i said (in my opinion)i have never known a man to go elsewhere who is getting it at home. The first part of a break down of a relationship is lack of intimacy and sex (IMO) and then it's only time before everything else falls to pieces.

Quite Prufrock, to your first paragraph.

Clearly lots of you don't agree with me but i think relationships are about give and take and making sure that both parties are happy.......making my husband happy whether i feel in the mood or not does in turn make me happy. I was only suggesting trying to make the effort whilst you are pregnant so as to avoid any irrational, doubting thoughts that could well play on your mind when you're as hormonal as you are when you're pregnant.

At least one person agrees with me 'Janstar'!

And tellytubby I would agree, if there aren't good reasons for that breakdown. And I think pregnancy is a bloody good reason.
I have actually discussed this in some detail with dh, as we found that our sex life post dd did not suddenly spring back to normal and it was becoming an issue - for both of us. And so yes, I made an effort to be "in the mood" more. But he made a corresponding effort to make it easier for me to be so - for example he often did the 10pm feed with ebm so I could relax in a bath and get so be more receptive.

I do agree that pregnancy, children etc can disturb any plans that people have of intimacy with their partners but still stand by the fact that effort has to be made. If someone doesn't have children, isn't pregnant etc and doesn't make the effort then in my opinion it is only time before you drift but at the same time i would like to think that my husband and i are together and would be still together regardless of whether or not we had children and therefore things do need to be arranged (eg your dh doing the 10pm feed) so as there is still time for each other.

Teletubby, I have gone along with him a couple of times for his sake, but it has hurt me quite a bit, so I don't want to do that again! To be quite frank, he's the kind of man who thinks that a quick stroke under the covers is sufficient foreplay. He's simply not the romantic type. I don't miss sex as such, just the intimacy. But I know that he misses sex more than anything else! I have on occasion run a nice bath, shaved my legs, covered myself in smellies etc and then cuddled next to him, but nothing has happened. Even if it doesn't lead to sex, it would be nice if he made a bit of an effort too - I don't see why it should be me all the time! A massage would be good, but he's too heavy handed and just doesn't 'get it'.

We did have a talk last night about lack of time together. I've been hinting for ages about how some flowers would be nice, about how I'd love to try a little Italian restaurant up the road from us, but all to no avail. I told him all this, so now he's asking if I want him to get a babysitter for Saturday night. But it's not the same now because I had to mention it first, he didn't do it spontaneously. He has to be reminded all the time, and I think that when you are pregnant and feeling low anyway, you need to be made to feel special and treasured.

Rhubarb - i agree entirely that a bit of romance wouldn't go astray. If it hurts when you're pregnant or at anytime then of course you should'nt do it - as my midwife said to me when i was pregnant 'there's more than one way to skin a cat!' Effort needs to be maintained on both parts and he sounds as if he needs a little advice from 'casanova!' Hope you have a nice night out on Saturday even if it was you that instigated it maybe once he sees how much you enjoy it then he might surprise you in the future?!

Sat night depends on getting a babysitter, and as I'm still a bit mad at him, he's going to have to do better than that I'm afraid! These subjects are always difficult to broach as I don't feel as though I should have to tell him what to do, and if I know he doesn't like doing something, then it spoils it for me too. He doesn't like talking about sex and I'm wondering if I can ever change him or if I'm just going to have to accept him as he is?

Rhubarb - i'd say most of us can relate to this line :
But it's not the same now because I had to mention it first

If I were you i'd go along with your night out this weekend and beforehand tell him both of you are to make an effort for a romantic night. Try to ignore the fact that you had to spell it out and try and enjoy. As tellytubby said - he might enjoy it and maybe 'get the picture'. If not at least you get a night out!
HTH

Rhubarb - Your DH is taking you out now - despite your hinting beforehand! To me I reckon this is a positive sign - it would be more worrying if he did nothing at all.

My DH is useless at romantic gestures - and if I wanted a sponteanous meal, flowers, massage etc I'd have to ask him directly! If he did do any of these things sponteanously, I'd be truely shocked. He does not place importance on doing those things. However I know for sure that just because he doesn't do that doesn't equate to the fact he does not care. It's just the way he is. I know he loves me by the countless other things he does and says.

Maybe try talking to him frankly and honestly again about how you feel - ie that being pg, the feeling of being special and treasured is important to you. I guess you are feeling quite vulnerable right now ?

I'm sure your DH will aim to make more of an effort in the future if you make him aware of this.

Enjoy your special night out tonight. Hoping that there'll be lots more to follow

Rhubarb - hope I'm not sounding harsh, but think you maybe need to give your husband a bit of a break at the moment. From the sound of it, he doesn't find talking about emotional stuff easy and, at the moment, you've both got a lot going on. You're both reelng from an unexpected pregnancy, he is probably a little scared of your depression and may just feel disconnected from everything (can't think of a better word but ykwim). Maybe he just doesn't know how to react at all, so stays neutral. I think agreeing to go out, despite it being at your instigation, is a good sign, he is taking this seriously. You've said loads of times that he's a great husband, that isn't going to go away. These last few months will really just be blip in your relationship as a whole. Maybe you're trying to force too much too soon. Maybe?

Lots of men are rubbish at romance but, he's planning to organise a babysitter - that is romantic, really. He's thinking of you, however, clumsy it may come across. Hope you get to go out, remember a few glasses of red will be good for you.

Message withdrawn

My sex drive seems to have been at the Off position since I got pregnant the first time, if I'm honest. I used to be very keen on sex, and things did get better after I stopped b/fing last time but not back to rampant levels IYKWIM. I do worry sometimes...like quite often...

...having said which, I too really have to object to the idea that sex is something men need, women deliver. Lots of men don't actually have particularly high sex drives - lots of women really like sex and miss it dreadfully when they're not getting it. At the same time, I have known men who are having sex at home 'go elsewhere' - it just isn't that simple. We're complicated entities. Which gets me back to you, Rhubarb - can you face just a cuddle, as a first step? Can you make it clear you aren't up for anything more, but you would like a cuddle?

(And personally, I'm buggered if I'm going to dig out a five-year-old lipstick and book a restaurant just to compensate for the fact I don't feel horny at the moment.)

Oh Rhubarb poor you. I found sex unbearable when pregnant and like you when I did go along with it found it painful and undignified. It sounds to me as if his general lack of support/interest in your plans for a home birth aren't helping. Is it possible do you think to carry on talking and planning via mumsnet and friends etc and leave him out of all discussions for a couple of weeks. I too was accused of obsessing about the birth (why do you need to read about it every day , you're not the first person ever to be pregnant, in the old days people just got on wiht it and when back to tending the sheep or whatever!! you get the gist). Can you wirte him a letter saying all the things you have said on the home birth thread in a couple of weeks time and then try talking about it again. He may not realise quite how upset you are. Whenever communications break down with us we email each other quite harsh emails sometimes until we have reached a good level (it saves on the china!)You have to bear in mind we share an office every day as well as a bed...so things can get quite uppity.

I also suffered from dreadful self image and low self esteem when pregnant largely due to weight gain but I never really enjoyed it so that can make you feel very unsexy. And I'm afraid that I am also of the view that they can jolly well wait until we are ready. They've got hansds that work havent they?

Rhubarb, I think we all have different things that make us feel loved. Why not ask your dh what you do that makes him feel loved. I did this with dh, and was v surprised that what made him feel most loved was a. when I cooked for him/made him a cup of tea and b. when I cuddled him. For me, it would be a. being given flowers or a gift for no reason and b. Being told I was beautiful etc. We were on completely different wavelengths. No wonder I was so gutted when he didn't bring me flowers in hospital, and he was gutted that I went on about that but never mentioned the fact that he cooked food specially for me and brought it in (I assumed it was leftovers!). He was also incredibly surprised when I told him about the flowers thing being so important to me. He went all quiet and said, "I've only bought you flowers twice" rather sadly. Now the local florist knows his name! I also realised that every time he painted the hall/mended a fence or cooked for me, he was saying 'I love you'. I never realised it before. I think when your dh rushed home from work that day, he was saying 'I love you'. None of us are mindreaders, and IMO it isn't a sign of love to be able to know instinctively what our partner's want. IMO what is a sign of love is, when your partner has clearly and specifically expressed a wish for something, you try to make it happen, which is what your dh is doing. I'm not saying I don't also yearn for spontaneous perfection in my dh, just that the more I look at this situation the more of a silly fantasy I think it is. I did have a boyfriend who bought me amazing gifts once, and I loved it (designer handbags/watches/jewellery ) but in the end that wasn't enough and I wanted dh for other reasons - he's madly in love with me, really devoted and wanted to marry me and have a child, for example!

Sorry for the v long post, just wanted to say, I think your dh sounds very loving!

Not that you aren't, of course... I'm sure he's not perfect. Just don't want to be too tactless... He wants to take you out and he obviously cares about you - he sounds like a lot of blokes because he expresses it clumsily.