We've lost that loving feeling............

[Rhubarb]

Am 21 weeks up the duff. Dh and I haven't done anything for months now and I feel that we are losing that closeness and intimacy we used to have. I feel so emotionally blank that I'm not even bothered about hugs and kisses. I know he's getting frustrated, and I'm sad that things aren't right between us. Anyone any tips?

"What makes you feel loved?"
What a lovely idea Alhoa. I'm going to try asking dh that tonight. I only hopes his answer isn't sex, cos I'm not keen at the moment... need a few days of foreplay first.

Know what you mean Mummysurfer!

Sorry, have only just read this long debate...

I am not of the opinion that men are 'justified' in seeking attention elsewhere if they are not being satisfied at home. Obviously what they should do is be understanding and control themselves. But it is a fact that there are more infidelities at times when women are pregnant and when they have small children. Forewarned is forearmed.

Neither do I think anyone should be forced into sex. The very best solution is for attention to be paid to spending intimate time together and fostering the right mood so that both partners enjoy their sex life.

This is an important part of the relationship - for both parties. I think we neglect it at our peril. And not just for the men. However tired we women are and however much we do not feel like it, we should make it a priority to create time and reserve energy for our intimate life. If we do not we also miss out. Our sexual feelings do ebb and flow. But they can remain dormant and seem non-existant to us if we do not make the effort to keep them awake.

Most of us are with our partners because at one time we had an overwhelming attraction to them. Our children join us in this life and although changes are made to accommodate them, they are the product of our relationship with our partner. If we neglect this we are putting at risk the whole framework of the family we have constructed to house our children.

Rhubarb, hope you manage to get out tonight. Don't be too hard on yourself or dh... you've so much going on at the moment maybe taking it a day at a time is the best way to move forward. And I completely understand your frustration that dh had to be prodded to do something.

Aloha - great post, I really agree with you.

I so agree with you, Winnie, Aloha's post is great. So positive. Another example of how good communication is so helpful and important. We could all ask this type of question to our partners - even the uncommunicative ones would tell us something important, hopefully.

Just tell me - I'm getting depressed again aren't I? I won't jump down your throats if someone shouts "hormones" at me I promise! Sometimes I think I need a good slapping and shaking! Tinker and Aloha you are very right, I should give the poor man a break! Only last week I was murmuring words of self-hate whilst refusing to get out of bed, now I'm confronting him about the birth and telling him our sex life isn't up to much! It's a wonder he hasn't walked! (Mind you if he went elsewhere for sexual relief he wouldn't be coming back - I make no excuses for infidelity.)

He's taken dd with him to his mum's for a few hours to give me a break - so he does love me! Aloha I will ask him that question when he gets in, I have a feeling his response will be the same as your dh's! I think right now I just need to be reassured and supported, which is hard on him and draining, but feeling like this is hard on me too. We have to work on this as a team. We are going out tonight so we'll have a long chat then. Half the battle is me knowing that I'm being out of order, which is where this blessed site comes in! Please, please tell me if I start ranting! Heaven knows this pregnancy is going to be very long and drawn out for both of us!

How many glasses of wine can I safely have then?

Rhubarb - there are varying opinions on alcohol in pregnancy but i was always told that a bit of red wine wouldn't do any harm. I use to drink about 2 glasses a week but have friends who drank 3 to 4 glasses a week so it's whatever you feel comfortable with. Obviously getting copiously drunk to try and feel in the mood isn't advised!

You rant as much as you like, sweetie. If you need to, go ahead.

I asked dp what made him feel loved and he smiled sweetly and said 'peace and quiet'

I asked dh what made him feel loved and he said "ds". I asked waht made him feel loved by me and he said " An unexpected cuddle but I never get one do I?"
Oh daer he is so right!

i just asked that and all i got was " i dunno"

but then the crickets on!

My libido still hasn[t really returned since having ds and he's 2 now! It's okay with my dp as he's always had a lower sex drive than me anyway (which used to really pi$$ me off!).

I don't think that men straying elsewhere has got much to do with how often they are 'getting it' at home, if that was the case then their relationship must have sex at thee highest importance over love and loyalty and repsect.

Rhubarb - sorry if you've mentioned this already, but how long after your first child did it take to go back to 'normal'?

As for spontaneity (sp?? too much wine!) men are CRAP at that as a whole. But if you do go out on Saturday and have a fab time then he might think that it was a great idea and it may inspire him to suggest it again, off his own back.

... just remembered that it's Saturday now. Hope you are having a good night.

It was 6 months after the first one before we did anything again! I tore really badly, into muscle, and was stitched very tightly so that I had a knot of scar tissue. The GP was considering sending me for surgery, but we went on hols to Malta, I got gloriously drunk and we finally managed it! It got better after that!

Sat night was brill! Was really worried as we weren't talking still that morning. But he came and sat on the bed and we had a little chat, which perked us both up a little. We chose a restaurant we'd never been to before, so it was really nice just to get away from the norm and be together. We really enjoyed each others company and were free to talk without dd butting in, or he watching the cricket (mine too Custy!), etc. He explained how tough it's been for him lately, that he's only human and even if he knows it's the hormones, it doesn't stop him from feeling pissed off and upset and angry at me. We both resolved to try really hard to work together.

Nothing happened in the bedroom, and he didn't put any pressure on me. But it didn't matter anyway, we felt really close just by being together. We'd both made an effort to dress up and the chemistry sparkled once more! I just wish we could do that more often - can you loan your ds to me Custy? We'd pay him!

Oh and Aloha - in response to your question that I asked him, he said "cups of tea and if you make my butties for work every now and then". I agreed and guess what? He got me some flowers that afternoon!

Wow. I think you should get yourself a new job as a husband trainer Rhubarb. Glad you are feeling happier.

this thread has had me in tears! What wise words from you mumsnetters in response to a post I could have written in the past. aloha, I'm going to try that question on my dh - I bet the answer would surprise me.

Rhubarb, so glad to hear Saturday night went well, hope it continues to be good!

Well done Rhubarb, maybe this thread should change its name to 'we've FOUND that loving feeling'

Isn't it funny. All this panic because men 'might go elsewhere' for sex, and all they really want is a cuddle and a cup of tea. I think it's quite sweet.
Glad you had a good night out Rhubarb.

rhuby passed he driving test you know.

Ah, glad you had a lovely evening Rhubarb.

Well done, Rhubarb, so glad things are improving.

Aloha, I tried your question on my DH, and he said he felt loved when I reassured him that everything was going to be okay in the future. I usually do this when I think he is worrying about spending too much, and I thought it was something that got on his nerves! We never know them as well as we think we do, eh?