Is my Sil taking the piss or am I overreacting ? (Houseguest rant)

[youarebustedmydear]

Last week, my sil got in touch with us to ask if she could sleep on our sofa from the sunday to the thursday. We said yes as she is family but I was not really confortable with the idea (hate having guest). It was a way to build bridge with her and dh's brother as we are slowly getting a relationship. We didnt see them for years, no particular reason, just lazyness from dh and his brother.

So sil came on sunday, so far so good. She said she wouldnt need any dinner as she was going to eat on set (she is extra on a film). Monday night, dh and I sit at the table and sil arrived and asked so what is for dinner ? So I tell her and she says I would love to have some and oh can I have some vino as well ? No problem. During the dinner, we were constantly interrupted by her phone, which she answered. Then she asked if she could use our phone so she didnt have to use phone credit. Then could she do a bath ?
You must think I'm fussy but yesterday, she did the same, didnt offer to help with dinner, with washing up, couldnt even be arsed to put her empty yogurth pot in the bin, went for a bath..
She came to our place completely empty handed however I would appreciate if she could call before she comes home and ask if we need anything..like bread..

Then when we were least expecting it, she asked if she could stay friday night as she has been offered work on saturday..And ho anyway your dinner party is not before Saturday so its ok no ??? Well maybe I wanted to stay with dh, just the 2 of us ??? We said yes as we didnt have ready made excuse !!

Later on, she said that she wouldnt be buying a travel card as nobody seems to check ?? Hang on, is she hinting that she is coming back next week ??? She also want to come back beg of october !!!

Help me deal with it please !!!

bump

how old is she?
If she's quite young she probably just doesn't realise how things generally work in 'grown up' houses.
If she's older then she's thoughtless, but what you've said doesn't strike me as all that bad really...just what I'd expect from my younger siblings!

She is 39

So why did you say nothing?

Don't act like a doormat!!

When she says, "can I have some of that dinner?" you say "sorry - I only made enough for us, thought you were eating out"

When you've finished dinner you say "can you get the dishes done while I tidy the sitting room?" - be breezy like it's no big deal (BECAUSE IT ISN'T)

When she says "can I stay friday night?" you say "Sorry we have plans"

There is no need to start a fight. Just be calm and forthright. It is your house.

Also - you cannot get annoyed at her having a bath. You said she could stay with you, do you want her to stink?

YOu will have to be firm & say no to any future requests to stay. She does sound like a bit of a bad houseguest, but not awful. She sounds a bit scatty more than anything, and isnt thinking about you as her hosts.

There is nothing wrong on her asking to stay an extra night, and you dont need to have an excuse because "no, sorry" is adequete. Im not sure Id enjoy staying with someone who grudged me having a bath tbh . With regards to teh phone, you could have said she could use it for a small charge? Unless she was just making quick, local calls, in which case Id just leave it.

Could your dislike of your SIL or you dislike of houseguests be making this seem worse than it is?

Well if someone was staying with me I would expect that they would want to eat unless they said otherwise (which she did re Sunday) so not sure what the issue with monday night dinner was? If you and DH were drinking wine I would consider it rude if you didn't offer her any and I certainly wouldn't be phased by a request for wine from a house guest (maybe even a little embarassed that I hadn't offred first).
Likewise I would expect a houseguest to bath/shower and so they would be told to use whenever they wish - again not sure of issue?
Phone is a bit cheeky but not really an issue if she is phoning land lines and as for the request to stay an extra night would you really rather she turned down work.
Which really only leaves the yougurt pot- a bit irritating but not crtainly not worth stressing about.

None of what you have described ought to cause an issue and wouldn't for me but I suspect that is because I enjoy havi g people in my house and you clearly don't.

ok for the bath I'm maybe mean but what is wrong with shower ? I take shower everyday !!

I dont dislike my sil, I dont, I'm just bad at having houseguest because yes I seem to act like a doormat when I shouldn't. She is not awful, it is true. Its just that I wish I could have the living room back, it is now her bedroom and her office in the same time.

Gag no paragraphs - bloody iPhone!

We are making her a big favour, she is living accomodation free and she has no desire to help, even a little bit. We didnt invite her, she wanted to come, our house is very small ! Plus she has to get up at 4.45 every morning and she is noisy and she wake me up ! Put the rant on the tiredness !

do like i do with my teenagers and their girlfriends.

"out your dishes in the dishwasher"
"can you clean the sides for me please"
"do you mind giving a whixx round with the hoover"

you just have to say

Well, if I had someone staying I would assume I was feeding them unless they told me they would be out. I would ask what time they thought they'd be home and would they like me to hold dinner for them. She told you she'd be out for dinner the first night.

It wouldn't occur to me that they couldn't use my phone, though asking first is polite. As she did.

I would assume they would need to have baths/showers and would only expect them to ask to avoid our 'bath times'.

If a guest didn't put their rubbish in the bin I would tell them where the bin was.

I would ask them to help with the dishes if they didn't offer.

I can't really see that she's done that much wrong. It looks to me like you are trying to find difficulties where none exist. I think you need to examine yourself.

TBH I'm glad I don't have to stay with you.

You begrudge her a bath? Bit shocked by that.

She sounds a bit thoughtless and scatty. It's only a few days I'd put up with it. But I love having guests.

And you say you're building bridges? Stamping them out, I'd say.

but it's only for a few days and you said she could stay there, if you don't want house guests then don't have them!

agree with nancy re the food/wine and the bath, why shouldn't she have a bath? did she spend three hours in there while the rest of the family had to wait outside crossing their legs because they needed the loo? if not then I don't see the problem, if someone stays with us then I expect them to act as though they're at home, I provide them with a couple of towels and food etc.

Turning up without a gift is maybe a little rude, but maybe you'll get a thank you something or other further down the line when she's gotten paid from this job?

if she's getting up at 4.45 each morning she's probably shattered by the evening hence scattyness/minor thoughtlessness!

She told me she would never need dinner as she was eating on the set. I know I'm being petty, I needed to hear it I think. I think I'm more pissed about the fact she extended her stay and is hinting at staying next week as well and I dont want her to but she will lose money and it will be my fault but I'm also working and I want to be able to sit on my sofa with dh and just chill out. As I said it was a very short notice thing and didnt have time to get ready for it.

Well don't hang about waiting for her to volunteer information or help.
Ask her tonight whether she needs to stay next week as well.
And ask her to be specific about when she is eating on set.
As for doing jobs around the house - tricky one but it's possible she doesn't want to do it univited, or she may just be oblivious. How about going and doing the washing up and saying "wuld you mind drying?" just to get her into the swing?

maybe try and actually build a good relationship with her so that her staying is a fun thing?
Or maybe say if she stays again could she possibly help you out a bit by babysitting one night then you and DH can go out.
having people to stay doesn't have to be awful.

I'll do that, tell her to give a hand. I know she is not mean, probably oblivious.

Robyn and all, I understand I have been an uptight cow, will have a chat with her tonight !

I don't think you're being petty. It was a big favour to ask you, and in return she should behave with thoughtfulness and try not to be in the way.
It's not as if she did this to come to visit you, it's a work thing.
And I think you are right to worry it might go on and on.. you need to ask her to do things, and not worry about being embarassed - she clearly isn't!

here's to you all enjoying the rest of her stay!

Thank you iggi99!! Communication is the key !!

It's your house busted, you set the rules.

If she wants to stay, then what katisha, robyn etc say are excellent to set the ground rules.