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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i don't know what to do

61 replies

vanillacupcakes · 07/09/2010 11:46

last thursday my now ex-partner confessed to stealing jewellery from my parents' home over the course of 8 months on occasions when he was left alone in the house. we lived together in my flat but sometimes we would go to my parents for dinner as they live very close and occasionally we would stay over. he has had a gambling problem in the past (well, thought it was in the past) and was tens of thousands in debt when i met him, which he had only recently paid off. a large amount of money had also gone missing from my parents bedroom which he has not admitted to but the amount is very large - thousands - and while it's my parents fault for poor accounting, it seems very suspect, especially now. anyway, the police were called, he was put in hancuffs and we all had to give statements. it breaches his bail to contact myself either by txt/phone and he cannot be within 100 yds of my parents home. our flat was also searched as was his car. in the past he has stolen my debit card and spent thousands. thankfully it was repaid the next day by a loan. i just dont know what to do. i have given him chance after chance. he claims he has a mental illness but he is still a criminal. writing this all down i read it and i think what is wrong with me. why is it that i still love him and want to help him??? i haven't seen or spoken to him since thurs but all i can think about is him. i was even tempted to call him last night. what would you do/should i do? i think i just need to hear outsiders opinions on this.

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 07/09/2010 12:18

If you are serious, firstly don't say money going missing was your parents fault and 2nd don't phone him as if there is a court case impending and you are a witness you could face criminal charges yourself.

So stay clear, that's the only thing you can do.

GypsyMoth · 07/09/2010 12:21

it will only get worse....stay away

and what about your parents feelings here too?

AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 12:22

fgs, stay away from this man

what is wrong with you ? Do you want to let him drag you down with him too ?

Come on...you are a grown-up aren't you

Exercise your common sense and get him out of your life, for good

You have free will, you know

Coolfonz · 07/09/2010 12:25

You got hitched up to a massive tosser. Move on quickly and improve your judgement.

tip: dont go out with people who tell you they are in tens of thousands of debt from gambling.

clam · 07/09/2010 12:35

What do you do??? Shock Shock

Erm..... you really need to ask?

sorrento56 · 07/09/2010 12:38

What you do is stop all contact with him as per his bail conditions.

Original poster
vanillacupcakes · 07/09/2010 12:40

yeah you are all right. harsh words but i needed to hear them so thank you. and thanks for the info re court case.

OP posts:
Original poster
vanillacupcakes · 07/09/2010 12:43

dragon my parents feelings are that they absolutely hate him for what he has done. my mother says that she feels sorry for him and that in her opinion he is mentally ill. and that i am very unlucky because from the outside he looks like a lovely guy: good job, good looking, funny. good point coolfonz!

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 07/09/2010 12:48

"What do I need to do?"

Get real? Grow up? Stop expecting people to give a shit about your feelings for a criminal who you still luuuurve, and who has ripped off your own parents ?

I know it's not AIBU, but how can you not get it?

sorrento56 · 07/09/2010 12:50

Because mentally ill people can be good looking too Hmm.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/09/2010 12:52

Well what you could do is some serious exploring of your own issues, whether you have had experiences in the past that taught you you were not desirable and not worth much and ought to be pleased and grateful that any man took an interest in you? Or whether you are young, haven't had a very interesting life and have therefore swallowed all the romantic bullshit about True Love meaning you have to forgive everything if some loser is The One.
Because this man doesn't love you. He's a parasite.

Original poster
vanillacupcakes · 07/09/2010 13:00

i think that may have something to do with it solidgoldbrass. he is a parasite. and sorrento that was a silly thing to write - i think you know my point that i was trying to put across but i just couldnt put it into words very eloquently.

OP posts:
Original poster
vanillacupcakes · 07/09/2010 13:04

he was my first love and this is all i know. he said (probably bs) that i am the only person he's ever slept with. when i met him he had lost 8 stone and apparently only just got the confidence to try to meet someone. i promise i am usually quite intelligent, at least in most other aspects of my life.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 13:05

use that intelligence to save yourself

my first love was an abolute twat too...but I grew up and away from him

he is still a twat, 25 years later

Original poster
vanillacupcakes · 07/09/2010 13:12

yeah i guess he is an absolute twunt really and i can foresee that still being the case in years to come. i just liked how he was dependent on me i guess. maybe i need to get a dog.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 13:14

am not sure you should be trusted with a dog, tbh Wink

get a hamster

for the love of God don't ever get pregnant by this man

clam · 07/09/2010 13:17

Yeah. What AF said.

Original poster
vanillacupcakes · 07/09/2010 13:21

ha! no you're right...

i had a hamster once and it smelt of wee and lived for about 2 years, if that. maybe a cat.

oh God i couldn't imagine anything worse. he always used to go on about kids and i'd look at him like... Biscuit

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 13:23

how old are you, vanilla ?

Original poster
vanillacupcakes · 07/09/2010 13:25

I'm in my 20s

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 13:26

20 ?

or 29 ?

there is a difference...

Original poster
vanillacupcakes · 07/09/2010 13:31

hmm yes. early 20s then.

(20).

OP posts:
sorrento56 · 07/09/2010 13:34

Not a silly thing to write, imo.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2010 13:35

ah, you are very young --naive-

you will learn, listen to AuntyFucker

catinthehat2 · 07/09/2010 13:42

Wow. I was brought up under a flowerpot in the sticks out in Ruralshire in the olden days.

I really think I was more streetwise than this by the time I was 6 years old.

In the next year, I suggest you get some sort of skin cleanser to get rid of the black felt tip message on your forehead.

The one that says "I am a gullible dimwit with little or no self esteem. Please take advantage of me and my family and our possessions, and I'll luuurve you forever."