i don't know what to do

[vanillacupcakes]

last thursday my now ex-partner confessed to stealing jewellery from my parents' home over the course of 8 months on occasions when he was left alone in the house. we lived together in my flat but sometimes we would go to my parents for dinner as they live very close and occasionally we would stay over. he has had a gambling problem in the past (well, thought it was in the past) and was tens of thousands in debt when i met him, which he had only recently paid off. a large amount of money had also gone missing from my parents bedroom which he has not admitted to but the amount is very large - thousands - and while it's my parents fault for poor accounting, it seems very suspect, especially now. anyway, the police were called, he was put in hancuffs and we all had to give statements. it breaches his bail to contact myself either by txt/phone and he cannot be within 100 yds of my parents home. our flat was also searched as was his car. in the past he has stolen my debit card and spent thousands. thankfully it was repaid the next day by a loan. i just dont know what to do. i have given him chance after chance. he claims he has a mental illness but he is still a criminal. writing this all down i read it and i think what is wrong with me. why is it that i still love him and want to help him??? i haven't seen or spoken to him since thurs but all i can think about is him. i was even tempted to call him last night. what would you do/should i do? i think i just need to hear outsiders opinions on this.

There is also the ghastly stage where you are starting to wake up to just how vile your partner is, and because that's so horrible to contemplate you start trying to minimize his crimes and turn yourself inside out in an attempt to stop him committing more, because if you throw him out and call the police that means admitting publicly that you were conned and exploited, which is pretty humiliating, or feels like it's going to be. But if you are in this position, people who love you will understand that you were the victim of a clever criminal: many people get conned at least once in their lives.

"my mother says that she feels sorry for him"

Well, then this is where you got it from. Please learn:

1] You are not Saint VanillaCupCakes, it's not your duty to feel sorry for / rescue everybody who is less privileged than you. Keep the rescuing for volutary work & charity donations. Love only people who enhance your life, without expecting some sort of payment.

2] There are bad people in this world. Bad people do bad things to good people. You cannot, and should not, try to change them.

3] In fact, you shouldn't ever try to change anyone except yourself.

4] Look up co-dependency and find yourself a down-to-earth therapist.

5] You're very young; he took the piss. Bastard. Look on this as a opportunity to grow up :)

thanks mirabelle. it's so good to hear - well not good to hear that you were in a similar position to me - but good to hear that you got yourself out of that situation and have moved on and are now happily married. i want that too.

yes solidgoldbrass this is the horrible stage where it feels like i have been wearing smudgy glasses and someone has just cleaned them and put them back on my face. it is humiliating for me to admit i was wrong about him. i find that very hard to admit. i almost wanted to prove everyone else wrong about him for whatever reason. especially as i did consider myself a good judge of character (ha!). i am a very private person in rl and this was the worst sort of person to let into mine and my family's lives.

thank you iseegraceahead. i want someone who can enhance my life not ruin it and make it harder for me. i have my own problems i need to deal with i dont need someone else's. i am SO glad i came on here now. love you MNers.

Vanillacupcakes please listen to the good advice on here. You are still young, it was a bad way to start your love life but you have learned a lot.

I have an uncle who is a gambler. He is 66 now but he regularly stole off his mother ( my grandma) and once pulled her down the stairs by the hair to open the safe. He has stolen, defauded, battered, lied, you name it. He is washed up with no one to turn to, apart from his mother who, at 90, cannot turn him away. Its a terrible life, a wasted life.

As for his bull about private school

vanilla...have you really made a firm and lasting decision to cut him out of your life completely ?

I sincerely hope you are not just going through the motions and will weaken your resolve later on

remember this man has charmed you before, he seems to know the buttons to press

going back to him, and trying to prove to others that he is OK really, that he loves you, that this is a grand romance against all the odds is foolish and will damage you further

it will also ruin your life, so now you need to get selfish and put yourself first

think of this as a lucky escape

you could be in much, much deeper with a couple of kids, joint debts of thousands and so ground down by living with (and fruitlessly trying to change) an addict that you see no escape

this is your escape

use it wisely and don't let it go

perfumedlife there is a lot of good advice on here. i can't believe that your uncle did that. i would not put that past him. i have hidden my cards, money and still he finds something to steal. if i did put everything in a safe no doubt he would try something like that as he has shown violent tendancies before. he has also spat on the floor of our brand new flat, smashed my phone once deliberately on the floor and my fave bottle of angel perfume - the flat still smells of it! little things that he knows will hurt me. so yes anyfucker he does definitely know the buttons to press (good and bad). i just want to meet someone lovely to try and get over this but at the same time it might be best to stay single for a while.

i'm so glad i'm not in joint debt or have kids or felt like i was trapped. it's not like our friends are the same either. so yeah i guess this is my way out and if i did stay then i would deserve everything that happened to me. i said to him when he paid off his debt that he had a fresh start, no worries in the world really and basically his entire income was disposable so what did he have to want for? i just don't get it. but then, i don't really want to get it.

you don't need to "get it"

you just need to get out, and stay out

Vanilla, it could be even worse that AnyFucker says. He might start telling the police that you helped him steal the money, or that you stole it. Clearly he is capable of huge lies.

I know of several women who are attracted to criminal types only. It brings them only grief, in between the highs. Of course such men say they love you, its the only way to keep you locked in. You seem to want to reform/rescue him. Don't. You can't change anybody else. You can't "love him better". He is using you. He doesn't love you, he uses you. When you stop letting yourself be used, he will be off to find someone he can use. If you give him money or your credit card, he is using you, not loving you. And you are buying his attention. You sound as though you deserve much much better. Listen to Auntie Baggy! Be young be happy, find someone who has NO problems. You're not his therapist.

baggy he already admitted to the police on thurs that he stole and took some jewelry to various pawn shops. i see what you're saying though. i should probably be wary of that as there is no knowing what he is capable of. the last thing i need is for him to try and act like i was in on it or that it is somehow my fault. he'll definitely try that latter one for sure.

i really hope i'm not one of those women. there is no doubt he was using me because he seemed to get in bad moods when i had nothing to offer him i.e. not going to pay for another "night out"! i remember one occasion he really made me feel awful and guilty for not giving him any spending money so that he and his best friend could go out. who knows if he was going out! another time i gave him money to go out i found out later that it was actually a poker game he had been involved in. sooo many things. how DARE he. i'm not his therapist and i don't want to be. so grateful for what you have said auntie baggy.

Vanilla, why was he asking you for money? If he wants money he has to earn it for himself not ask others for it. Any man who asks you for money is best avoided. How dare he call you stingy if you could provide him with money. Why should you feel guilty. He should feel guilty for asking for money. You're not his Mother and he is not a child. If any man has addiction or aggression problems, avoid him. You will not change him, or even help him. He has to help himself. You deserve someone better. Get some help, read some self help books. Anyone who takes advantage of you is bad news. I suspect he chose you because you are vulnerable to men like him. Don't be. Don't try to mend fix or rescue other people, they will just take advantage of you. Good Luck.

Vanilla, that should read "How dare he call you stingy because you could not provide him with money"