Help ! I feel stuck & don't know what I can do

[LostinGlos]

I'm really after some advice as I feel like I have got myself into a situation that I can't find any way out of...
I have been married to DH for 4 years & we have 2 DD's under 2 (I also have a 16yr old DS from 1st marriage).
Marriage is really over & I would like DH to either leave or sell our house & split proceeds, but DH won't leave (as he says this is not what he wants & it is my decision to end marriage so why should he)& if we sell house, is demanding exactly half proceeds, even though this will leave me in an impossible position to be able to buy a place big enough for me & 3 DC's.
DH does not work & I have completely supported all 5 of us for the past 9 months & coming into this marriage 5/6th's of the money was mine to start with, even when working I have always paid the lion's share of everything.....At 41 years old I don't want (& can't afford) to start another huge mortgage, whilst his half will almost completely pay off a small flat (which is all he intends to buy). It will mean he gets way more money back than he had when he came into the marriage & I will have significantly less..
Is he entitled to take me to the cleaners ? can I force him to leave ? I am living on a shoestring as it is & obviously when he goes I will have to pay a nursery / childminder (as he looks after the children currently) aswell, knowing that I will get no mainentance from him either ?
Sorry I'm all very confused.....

sorry meant to add that we are currently still living in our home together but separately...I agreed to this in the hope that the children would benefit & that we could try to get along as best we could (with me still supporting us all, until he gets a job) however this is not working terrifically well at the moment.

why are you assuming the dc will live with you??

the status at the moment is he is their main carer....if he wanted,he could fight through court to maintain this,and would likely win....so you would then pay him maintenence,and he'd be entitled to remain in family home with dc.....sounds like he knows all this though!!

Go and get good legal advice, and quickly. You seem in a very risky position.

He does unfortunately, however he has made it quite clear himself, that he wouldn't want to have the DC living with him (bearing in mind the oldest isn't his !) they drve him mad apparently & his argument for me not needing such a large place is that I should sent oldest DS to live with his dad ! (he is only 15 nearly 16 ! & will take his exams this year).
One of our biggest arguements has been that he never takes the DC's anywhere, every day when I get home he is either in bed asleep with DS watching DD's, reading his book or on Internet(I know he loves them, but can be really quite selfish).
He has also got a very aggresive personality (with me not children) & is very impatient with them too...hence the reason I want him to leave.

Thanks mummytime....trouble is I can't really afford good legal advice, I am slowly going further into debt just keeping us & feeding us everymonth...but not entitled to legal aid either, I feel I am stuck in a nightmare

Dragonfly68 does this also mean that If the courts establish that I am the primary carer (or the parent that is going to have residential custody)does that mean that I am entitled to remain in the family home & if so, how do I get him to leave it ?

Solicitors can give you 1/2 to an hour free initial advice, get some and talk to them about your money worries. Also CAB might be able to help, ask to talk to a debt counsellor.

As to your H. Do not buy him food. Do not do anything for him. Ask him for a contribution for utilities etc. Point out to him that if he gets out you might both do better from benefits and tax breaks.

He doesn't even really seem to be providing child care. Are you sure your children are adequately looked after when your DS isn't there? I would keep a diary and maybe ask your DS to as well, so you can record how much he really is looking after the kids.

Just because he doesn't want the kids doesn't mean he might not make some custody application, if just to annoy you (my Dad did when I was 2).

If he is not contributing financially at the moment, then surely with or without him you are going to carry on struggling with money and getting into debt?

The way divorce works is a bit like this. In theory, a judge decides how the money is split. In practice, you can't just rock up to a judge with all the information and ask them to decree a fair division of the cash. You are expected to come up with a sensible, workable division that puts the interests of the children first.

Sadly in divorce unless you are both grown up and mature and have plenty of dosh then coming to a sensible workable division is the hard bit.

With 2 dds under 2 and you as primary carer and a relatively short marriage and you being the main income generator for the forseeable future it is vanishing unlikely he would be awarded a 50:50 split of your equity.

However, you are going to have to invest money in this divorce. Apparently the cost of an average divorce is over £10,000 (I think that includes the Mcartney/mills one though!). It also sounds like you are going to have to downsize: if you can't afford your life now you won't be able to afford it when he's gone.

This is the cost of getting rid of him long term.

Short term, i suspect you are stuck with him. No need to be nice to him though.

Ask CAB for a list of solicitors in your area who will do an initial consultation for free and go from there.

Ime, primary carer would be likely to get around 70-80% of the equity but if he won't agree to this, then you will need to go to court and that will obviously cost money. It may be that an initial solicitor's letter might be enough to get him to agree to it, assuming he doesn't have the money for a court battle as well.

Thanks mummytime, trouble is I can't really do a lot about not buying him food, I have to buy for the rest of us & he is at home all day, feeding our DD's obviously if there is food there he is going to eat it & there is not a lot I can do to stop him.
As for asking for a contribution for utilities, he has absolutely no income at all so he would just refuse & again there is little I could do.
Your right about the childcare, he feeds them junk food everyday & does little with them, basically our house & garden are full of toys & he just lets them get on with things, obviously he gets up to change nappies, drinks & food etc. & will cuddle them & comfort them if they fall (as I say he does love them & wouldn't see them harmed) but they are not being helped with reading or speech or interacted with (except each other).

Things trundle along ok at home unless, I try to talk about how we would both be better off apart or how we could split things acrimoniously & then he just becomes insulting & abusive & yes you are right if I pushed things too hard, he might well make a custody application , but it would almost definately just be out of spite...as you suggest I think I have to go to see a solicitor, I would just be in trouble if he found out as he could & would fight it & he would be entitled to legal aid..

Meant to say amicably not acrimoniously....

Tillyscoutsmum - he doesn't need the money for a court battle...with no income he will get it on legal aid where as I won't, but thanks for that it has made me feel a little better..

oldenoughtowearpurple, it is true I probably would struggle financially with or without him, however at least I would be feeding one less person, get some tax credits/25% off counciltax etc & maybe a little maintenance from him eventually as worse case scenario he would get benefits if he didn't live with me (probably very little I realise!)
& I don't mind downsizing at all, that would be well worth the pay off of not having to live with him...

As for being nice to him, as I say most of the time he can be reasonably easy to get along with, but If I'm not nice to him, he is insulting, abusive & can be threatening...it really isn't worth the agro & I don't want the DD's to see it, we are trying to put on an act of normality for them..

Sorry - I posted before I saw about him getting legal aid. Can you appeal to his better nature ?? He presumably wants his dc's to be living in a reasonable home and he must know that wouldn't be possible if he had 50%. Definitely go and have some free sessions. I had two with my divorce. The first one was rubbish and I really didn't like the solicitor so I went for another one and she was loads better.

Thanks Tillyscoutsmum, will definately go & see a solicitor.

Unfortunately he doesn't have a better nature when it comes to discussing separation or money, he feels that why should he lose out when it is me that has broken our perfect marriage up, not him. & yes he does want DC to have a reasonable home...one that I am paying for with a huge mortgage, whilst he doesn't.

This is mainly because I can & do earn more money than him & therefore he thinks I can afford to start all over again & he can't...however I really don't earn that much & our equity isn't huge, but what there is off it, is maily from the sale of my last house (which I bought prior to meeting him)

Please don't get me wrong here, I am very upset also at my marriage breaking down, however in my head it was over a long time ago, but not in his !

& I don't want it to seem that it is all about money either, it really isn't the be all & end all....I just can't face the idea of starting all over again with 3 DC's to support & struggling for years to come all over again..

your marriage was over a long time ago but you have two kids under two?

Coolfonz,

Sorry you are right actually it should have said under 3 one is 2½ & the other is 1½.

& although this still implies that we had been close up until just over 2 years ago, we really hadn't, second DD was accidental (not a mistake, she is very much loved)& very much a one off accident. We had always had difficulties, though I naively thought overcomable, things really deteriated during 2nd DD pregnancy until they aren't retreivable at all...he just still wants to believe that they are

I wouldn't take mummytime's advice re: starving him out, that would be financial abuse (imagine if someone told an earning dad not to feed a SAHM!)

Think you might have to prepare yourself for a long drawn out negotiation, as the primary carer of the children he doesn't need to go anywhere (you couldn't make him leave even if he wasn't).

can you expand on his 'agressive personality'?

Thanks for all your advice, LadyLapsang you are right as I said earlier I couldn't starve him out even if I wanted too & I certainly don't want to.

I am trying to foster an mutually respectful but distant relationship with him in the hope that he will just go amicably & I certainly don't want to give him any ammunition to be able to say I have treated him unfairly, he can be very manipulative & certainly can turn things to his own advantage.

I am beginning to realise that it is almost impossible for me to make him go if he doesn't want to (which he doesn't)but not because he was the primary carer. He didn't particularly want to be the primary carer, he just hated his job (don't we all) & decided to leave, promising me that he would get another, however I think he has now realised that staying at home & doing what he wants is infinately easier than going to work.

Dragonfly68 I am embarassed to write this, because it puts it down in black & white what an idiot I have been, but right from the word go, he has smashed things up around the house, pushed me around & has a tendancy to grab me around the throat from time to time.
What I will say is that, he was also an alcoholic when we met & I beleived that the violence was down to the drink (led to beleive this) after much councilling he no longer really has a drink problem & the violence has got hugely better, however it still raises it's ugly head very infrequently.
I handled things very badly & on 2 occasions upon being threatened & verbally abused & grabbed by the throat, I hit him & now I can't get him out because of the abuse because he says that I am as bad as he is & hit him first...this sounds awful I know but I had been pushed around, even in front of people many times before I lashed out with what was only a slap round the face the first time.
I was an idiot to allow myself to do it, but unbeleivably he says that this kind of thing is 'more common than you think' & that 'I know he would never carry out any of his threats or means any of his insults & that they are only said in the heat of the moment'.

LostinGlos, my ex was very similar to yours.

He eventually threatened to glass me in the face, I called the Police and he HAD to leave.

I had called the Police on several occasions before this, but on this occasion, he wasn't coming back. The Police escorted him the next day to pack a bag.

Are you actually in Glos? I'm in Chelt if you want to CAT me.

DT, I have called the police only once & they came out but didn't take him away.

I wish I had called the police on an occasion about 18 months ago, he came home & started to threaten my son. When I started to try to get in the middle of them to ensure my son's safety he grabbed my by the throat & started to scream & swear at me that he was going to kill me, but stupidly this was the second time I hit him, punched him in the eye actually which I am wholly ashamed of(but this was afer about 5 years of abuse) & he punched me back in the eye, knocked me to the floor, I was 8 months pregnant at the time...I know this sounds awful but actually this was the only time he has ever actually hit me, it is usually just being pushed & grabbed...

I got myself up & went to bed with him trying to block my path, but I went anyway. He then stood in the living room shouting at the top of his voice how he was going to stab me to death.

Next day he just said that he had hit me in self defence, as I had hit him first...which obviously technically was true so I could do nothing & that he obviously hadn't been serious with the death threats they were made in the heat of the moment.

This obviously makes him sound like an absolute monster & me too in a lot of ways....I have really lost my way here & get torn between, trying to defend myself & show I'm not a push over & just letting him get on with it, but this has definately made his behaviour worse & I feel I have now nowhere to go from here..

DT I am actually in Glos, but I'm a newby here, unsure how to CAT you, just click on Contact Poster I am guessing, I would love to & sorry for my ignorance I have just found it cathartic writing on here !

It just amazes me incidentally, that he thinks we have a good marriage & can't understand why I could possibly want him to leave...

Phone Womens aid, and get their advice. Make sure if he does anything to you, you do call the police.

Thanks mummytime I will, however as I say it happens very rarely these days (only once since the incident above)though as I say once is once too often & it is usually just a lot of grabbing & pushing rather than hitting.
The only time since the instance above was recently he put his hand round my throat, but has insisted to anyone who will listen that he actually only put his hands over my mouth to shut me up, didn't hurt me & that I am delusional & making a big deal out of nothing. Trouble is, he has an answer for everything & people believe him !