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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Genuinely confused

27 replies

bottyburpthebarbarian · 07/09/2010 05:10

Don't know if this should be here or in legal - sorry. I am going to post it in there too.

This has come from some issues that were raised on another thread I started earlier.

I am interested in knowing what other MNetters who are separated/divorced think.

In a nutshell, my ex and I share custody on a 50/50 basis. We have a set rota, and it generally works not too badly. (At least in terms of looking after the DD's)

I am about to start uni, and my ex wants to know who will be looking after the kids, and the times they will be looking after them. He wants to know so he can decide if he approves of them or not.

I genuinely believe this is none of his business and that since I am considered a sane safe person who is capable of looking after my children, then I am capable of deciding who will take care of them when I am not available?

FWIW he works and sometimes when he is looking after the kids, he gets someone who I definitely don't approve of to mind them - my view is that I just have to "suck it up"

Sorry for the long post but this is wrecking my head.

OP posts:
buttonmoon78 · 07/09/2010 09:01

I'm not in your position, nor do I have any legal knowledge but I didn't want you to go unanswered!

However, if I were in your shoes, reading the first part I thought 'yes he is entitled to know / approve of who his children are being looked after by'. Then I read on and thought 'hmm so do you!'

I would have thought that common courtesy would mean that you both should be happy with something so important. I don't know what sort of relationship you have with yr x but maybe it's worth sitting down and pointing out that you have no control over his childcare arrangements therefore he has no control over yours. If he wants a say in yours then you should have a say in his. I appreciate it may not be that simple though.

If it's an amicable relationship then hopefully this will be seen as reasonable. If it's not then I wouldn't have thought that he could block your childcare arrangements but I may be totally naive as well as inexperienced.

I hope you get this resolved soon - you have enough to deal with without this unreasonable behaviour.

dignified · 07/09/2010 09:28

Tell him to fuck right off !
This isnt about the kids at all , its about him trying to exert control over you. If he really thinks your not capable of making apropriate choices about your children tell him to take it up with the courts , he,ll get laughed at , can you imagine !

Id hve as little contact with him as possible, he doesnt sound like a very nice person.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 07/09/2010 11:20

Dignified and Button moon - the thing is, I don't even know yet how much regular childcare I'll need, I haven't got my timetable yet.

My parents will do most of it, and the older sister of a friend of DD1 (she's on a gap year and has no job) will pick DD2 up for me occasionally.

He uses his Mum for childcare quite a lot, and the kids don't like going there because "Granny says nasty things about you all the time"

I brought this up with him, and said I wasn't comfortable that she was doing this and he said he couldn't stop her and wouldn't speak to her about it.

OP posts:
msboogie · 07/09/2010 11:47

He's miffed that you are going to Uni isn't he? This is an obvious way to try to sabotage it.

Tell him he can have a veto on your childcare arrangements when he gives you one on his.

End of.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 07/09/2010 15:44

MsB - that's exactly what I think.

He always used to say I would never make anything of my life, and that he had a degree and I didn't.

I honestly think his nose is out of joint.

Childish but there you go.

OP posts:
buttonmoon78 · 07/09/2010 16:22

Which is why he needs to understand that if he's going to be funny about your arrangements you have every right to exercise similar control over his. If they were my children I would be happy with your arrangements I would simply expect to know what was going on. However, he sounds like a right wally. Which is why I was so 'balanced' (LOL!) in my first post!

BTW, I know what it's like trying to organise childcare when you don't know your timetable - it's a nightmare. If it helps, for following years you should know your timetable before you finish the previous year. Much easier! Enjoy your new chapter...

Tippychoocks · 07/09/2010 16:26

Botty, I didn't post on your other thread cos I likes you. But........

With or without half and half custody or whatever arrangements I would expect to know who my Ex had arranged to look after my child and be consulted. I have (in our previous split, it hasn't come up this time) consulted my ex on nurseries. He didn't really have much of a say tbh but he is given the option to come and see them and could have raised objections.

I admit I am a control freak with an unreliable ex. But I would want to know, if only to have their number/name/ofsted details etc.

Goes both ways though, he can't demand information and not afford you the same courtesy.

needafootmassage · 07/09/2010 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 07/09/2010 19:03

Tippy - I likes you too Wink

The "childcare" is going to be maybe an hour or two for DD2 one day a week, two max.

My mum and dad are going to do it almost all of the time - the other childcare is only for a very rare occasion if they aren't available.

I don't have a problem telling him this, and in fact I did when he was shouting asking me.

The thing is, he won't tell me when I asked him - I said something along the lines of "Mum and Dad are going to collect them and XXX occasionally if they can't. Given that the boys aren't here any more for you to use, what arrangements are you going to make - maybe we could work together a be a bit more flexible with each other and work it between us"

His exact words were "my arrangements for looking after the girls are none of your business"

And he turned away and shut the door.

OP posts:
Jux · 07/09/2010 19:17

Then your arrangements are not his business, are they? Goes both ways.

buttonmoon78 · 07/09/2010 20:18

Quite. And I'm sure he has no legal leg to stand on. I'M sorry I sounded quite so reasonable in my first post now. He quite obviously doesn't deserve it!

Plumm · 07/09/2010 20:20

In that case your arrangements are none of his business.

Tippychoocks · 07/09/2010 21:03

Tis a regular love in Botty Smile

If he won't tell then it's none of his beeswax either. Courtesy is as courtesy does (as nobody used to say) - he can't expect you to do more than he will. Goes both ways.

He does sound like a nob.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 07/09/2010 21:18

Thing is, I actually thought he works from home, there are days when he needs the girls picked up / minded -especially now that his built in babysitters are off to uni - so I thought we could work around each other???

botty now regrets agreeing to swap days next week so that he could work especially since it is a pita for her........

I AM TOO SOFT

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 07/09/2010 21:23

Oh botty I do sympathise. The only reason my ex is breathing and that I am not sporting the well-loved amusingly shaped bollock earrings is that I have depressingly few childcare options and have lots of uni stuff (work placements and fings) to do. Depressingly, I need him to co-operate.
What can you do only bite your tongue and carry on?

perfumedlife · 07/09/2010 21:46

Its actually none of his business. As you are both parents with care, what you do whilst they are in your care is your business entirely.

What next? He wants a say in who you shag?

Idiot

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 07/09/2010 21:58

Perfumed- I am not shagging anyone.

Honest guv

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 07/09/2010 22:00

They are his kids, he has every right to know

Tippychoocks · 07/09/2010 22:05

So does she hairytriangle surely?

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 07/09/2010 22:07

I told him.

He won't tell me.

OP posts:
Taghain · 07/09/2010 22:18

So don't tell him or do what kids do to show him how childish he's being: You tell me first then I'll tell you.

I agree that he's trying to make life hard for you and to make you feel guilty. Ignore him.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 07/09/2010 22:19

Am thinking of phoning my solicitor tomorrow- but I am sure he will just larf at the absurdity of it.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 07/09/2010 23:05

If there was some question over your state of mind/sanity/mental health he perhaps could challenge in court the need to know how his kids are being looked after.

But there isnt. If you are deemed a fit parent, and you are, there is an assumption that you will make the safe choices for your childrens care. Clearly you will let him know if it affects pick ups etc, but as for his opinion or blessing, no right. That left when the marriage ended.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 07/09/2010 23:20

perfumed - thank you. Hope I'm not going to be questioned on my mental health - am off to do a Law degree Grin

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 07/09/2010 23:48

Oh how fab. You're right, he is jealous, and trying to undermine you by controlling this area. Ignore and best of luck.