I feel so alone

[Ladywolf]

Mid July my husband told me he no longer
loved me, there was nobody else he just wasn't happy. He moved out 4 weeks ago and has now told me it is over, he doesn't want to try even though we have been married for 11 years and have 2 small daughters (aged 3 and 1)
I have never felt so alone, how do you get through it, i am heartbroken

I'm so sorry.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid - experiencing similar things myself - but didn't want you to go unanswered.

I don't know how you get through it.
But I do know you will.

Take care.

Ladywolf similar happened to me last October after 17 years , dc of 13 and 10 , but there was an ow for him.

I wish I could say dont worry you'll soon feel better because you probably wont . For me its been a gradual dawning of how I wasnt happy either but had long since learnt how to hide away from that because I was scared to split and still in love with a vision of a man I had been married to not the one I was actually with iyswim ?

All your dreams of the future , your identity and so so many things are taken away and there will be alot of grieving to do .

Can you tell us a bit about your perspective of your marriage looking back ?

Have you got family and friends who are supporting you ?

Oh and I should tell you although this journey has been heartbreaking for me at times I am now so much more like my old self and happier than in a very very long time.

Keep posting and reading how so many have survived this x

It was honestly out of the blue, i thought we were happy. My family is very supportive but it isn't the same thing. I've got a bad cold as well, why does everything seem worse when you are poorly. I'm so worried about everything, the effect it will have on the kids, money. I feel pathetic cause i keep hoping he will change his mind.

I am so very sorry Ladywolf

I too am worried about money/security in the future but if it helps my dc have been absolutly fine . I do think if its all handled amicably (hate that word now)then they cope fine and yours are very young which I think helps.

I know for a fact if my exh hadnt had an ow I would have been hoping he would change his mind too. Its not pathetic to feel that way and try not to suppress your feelings telling yourself what you should or shouldnt be feeling in this very early stage or you will slow down the necessary grieving that needs to happen to move on(hate that phrase too!).

You will get lots of advice on here but in the meantime keep strong and know you can and will survive and bit by bit it will get easier.

If you can try and talk a bit about the detail that might help ? Maybe when you feel better

Hello

I am in the same position, my husband of merely 9 months (but together for 5 years) said he didn't love me anymore when I was 40 weeks pregnant with his son.
A few months on and the shock is subsiding but the real grieving is now starting.
Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with family and friends, face your feelings as hard as it is....
I also find absolute minimum contact is the best way to go. You obviously can't stop contact all together but keep it to a minimum where poss.
Do I feel better? Well people say I am improving! It will take time, you can't rush it.
Big Hugs to you

Wilkoa . Whats wrong with these men

Hugs to you both

Ladywolf you well know from your other thread that I think there is someone else involved here. So I have a feeling that pretty soon, you will hear that your H has miraculously met someone and then I think you will have some understanding of why this happened to you. Since this declaration of unhappiness and wanting to leave came completely out of the blue, I am pretty convinced that your H is one of those cowards who just never wanted to admit that he is just like so many other people and had an affair.

Until that day comes, I think you're going to have enormous trouble understanding this and I don't have any answers or advice about that, but know that lots of wonderful women on here have come through this and emerged stronger.

One of the reasons I often advise posters in your situation to find out as much as they can (and btw, I know you've tried to do this) is because it is actually much easier rationalising someone ending things once you understand that they are not some tortured soul who just fell out of love with his wife and family, but a common-or-garden adulterer who is in the midst of the insanity that comes with a newish relationship. That their "unhappiness" was caused by the affair and nothing else.

I really feel for you and regret that your H hasn't had the courtesy and respect to give you some proper answers. I think the reason you are feeling like you are is because you are utterly bewildered. You didn't know he was unhappy, because he didn't show it and he didn't tell you. For the weeks afterwards, he didn't try to help you understand this and didn't talk about his emotions or feelings.

I'm pretty sure that's because he's hiding something, because someone who had genuinely fallen out of love to the extent that they were thinking of walking out on their family would have been showing lots of signs and would still feel great angst at the hurt their decision was going to cause. They would still want to be kind to their spouse and try everything to work things out. The only circumstances however where such empathy is totally lacking is if there is an affair going on.

Thank you all for posting, i have missed you WWIFN. I'm pretty sure he is hiding something too, but he is better at hiding it than i am at finding it. It is bound to come out eventually i just wish it was sooner rather than later. I'm just trying to think of the kids and keep it amicable. some days that is harder than others.

LW...I totally, totally agree with WWIFN

there is another woman here...you just haven't discovered (been allowed to discover it...?) yet

so sorry

I think Ladywolf that it is reasonable for you to question your hubby in order to help you move on. Its a cop out what he has said, without full explaination. Where does he live? And with whom? Do you know? What arrangements have you made regarding access to kids etc? Have you sought legal advice?

LW if you don't mind, I am going to ask some wonderful ladies on another thread to come over to this one. They can realy help to advise you about coping with the sense of bewilderment and loss.

That is so kind of you to say you'd missed me . I was worried about posting on your thread today because I have been so insistent in my suspicions, but I am relieved that you have seen that I genuinely think it is better to know what the true situation is. These deserters kid themselves all the time that they are with-holding an affair because it would hurt, but what they really mean is that they don't want to admit that they are adulterers.

LW i am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation, i too know exactly what your going through as my XP left mid july saying he didnt love me anymore after 11 years and i am left to cope with 4DC, 3 of which are under 3

You are not alone, i hit rock bottom within the first month then found some wonderful people on here who i rant to and have helped me feel so much better about my feelings, and reassured me that they are perfectly normal and that i will get through this, sometimes it is better to turn to strangers than family as they will be honest with you whereas friends and family will try to make you feel better telling you he'll be back ect and it doesnt help, it just keeps you hoping and you need to think about yourself and your DC now

Firstly if you dont work make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to as that may ease the money worry slightly
Secondly because the DC are so young they wont understand and may act out of character behaviour wise for a while (my 3yo is doing this) but i have been assured it will settle down once they grow used to the situation, just hang in there

Can i ask, to make things easier for yourself, is there someone who could help with visits so that you dont have to see XH?
I am really struggling when i see XP so have asked my XSIL to step in for a while and help so i have no contact with him at all, think this is a good way forward as it gives you time to heal without it being rubbed in your face when he comes to visit as it really does hurt like hell everytime they walk out the door again i know

Also how is he doing with the visits? is he turning up on time and when he's supposed to as it will really help you and your DC if you have set times and days for visits and he sticks to them as they will know what's happening and when they will see him again and also you can plan something for yourself during these times even if its just having a bubble bath to try to relax

(((BIG HUGS))) your way..i will keep an eye on here and if you want to just vent or anything, if i can help or even just relate to what your feeling i will respond

am probably not much help but i will try, take care x

Hello

WWIFN came onto a support thread for woman recently ditched (which I'm a part of) and asked some of us to come on here. I'm so sorry to read your story. It is so hard to move on, when you cannot make sense of the reason why your relationship is over and the fact he doesn't have the decency to do that and help you, makes me very for you and

I separated from my husband last October when my son was 11 months and my daughter was 2 yrs and 3 months. It was a bewildering time and I couldn't see the wood from the trees quite frankly. He wasn't being honest with me at all. The truth came out in a drip drip effect in the months after as I slowly worked out the truth from the lies and put pressure on him to be honest. The difference for me is my H didn't have the guts to end it with me, so I spent months trying to work things out whilst separated, not realising all the while that he was having his cake and eating it. The agony for you, is that he has suddenly ended it out of the blue

The best thing I have done is to get counseling. It's a safe place for me to share my felings every week and it helps me to share them in a safe place. For a while before counseling, I was trying hard to be the perfect mummy whilst struggling with all the feelings on the inside, so sadly I sometimes turned into a shouty mummy as deep within I was finding things hard and it had to come out My children watched a lot of CBeebies in the early days after we separated and ate a lot of fish fingers, baked beans and similar. Try and be kind to yourself, don't expect too much of yourself right now. If there are friends in real life who can help you right now ask them.

Go to citizens advice and find out where you stand. Make sure you have copies of all important bills, mortage information, bank statements etc. Take them with you to the meeting as well. The sooner you go and speak to them and know your rights the better. Also book a solicitors appointment as well. It will bring you peace when you know where you stand and what he can and can't do or have.

Create boundaries with him now, that if he wants to see the children he picks them up and takes them out. Or you drop them at his or similar. You need space at this painful time.

I need to go and get my DD ready for pre school but I am happy to follow this thread and support you anytime, anyday if you want to share.

I'll come back later. Things do get better! You will be happy without him one day, take one day at a time for now ((hugs))

Hello I too am one of the lovely ladies of which wwifn speaks :)

My h left me 10 weeks ago . He told me over several months he was not happy and I exhausted myself trying to save my marriage. There is now a drip feed effect with me too and I am hearing info from him about the involvement of ow ( you were right wwifn) who he seems to have met in the final stages of our marriage.

Try and steel yourself for such a revelation too. It might not.come but best be prepared if it does. That way you can keep up with you recovery without having a setback when/if you find out about an affair

You have come this far; you are strong, expect the good and bad days in equal measure. When bad days come let them, knowing that soon the good days will outnumber the bad.

Getting practical helped me. Write lists of what you need to active that day like ring solicitor, find out about benefit entitlement etc. I find as soon as I get practical I pull myself out if any dip I am in.

Xxx stay strong and dignified

Hi I am from that thread too but I have already posted on here earlier.

I didnt realise there was the possibility of ow but I am sorry to say from my own experience, that of people in RL and the reading I have done on this site I would feel pretty certain there is someone else involved in your Hs departure.

As has been said I think some men cant bear to think that they are leaving their marriage , letting down their dc in the name of an ow so they hang their behaviour on the peg of I dont live you anymore.

What I do feel is that sometimes an H is unhappy in the marriage and it isnt a case of claiming unhappiness after an ow comes on the scene. Well certainly in my case, in hindsight, I can clearly see my exh was very unhappy and hadnt loved me for a long time but couldnt face doing anything about it so just limped along.

The ow was someone he had known for years and they got talking, she understood him blah blah blah. In effect she gave him the backbone and more importantly the motivation to leave. He did dress a lot of it up in " I am moving out to consider my options, what I want out of life " but of course as soon as he was comfortable with leaving they became an item.

Where I really feel for you op is that you say this came out of the blue. My situation was very different.

The problem is that however much you may suspect an ow until you know you naturally will not want to believe it. As has happened to a couple of my lovely thread ladies finding out later can have the effect of taking you right back to the beginning of the shock and pain and hence overall delaying your journey to heal and begin the process of recovery. I gather from wwifn and your own comments that you have tried to find out if there is an ow. Is there anything more on that score you could do ? I suppose there would be no point having a talk with your H and explaining that far from protecting you he is potentially hurting you far more by concealing someone elses involvement ?

I have to go but will be back later

Its all sooo hard but you will get through

Oh and I hope you arent feeling so poorly now

Just look after yourself you are number one now ,so look after you and kids ,dont panic about money he has to pay for you and dcs and the state will pick up the rest ,these wanker blokes cost the country hundreds of thousands of pounds so dont feel guilty .He will not tell you anything if there is ow and he doesnt want you to know ,he will be a complete and utter bastard to you in that dept so dont even go there will only f**k ur head right up, only way he will admit it is if he wants to hurt you more.Mine left because he chose to live the life of a single bloke again wanted long lies no hassle ,just a b4 kids life basically hanging round the pub with his mates.Totally immature selfish irresponsible arsehole ,has left me to deal with everything .Just try and see that this is ur real life now ,being a single parent is the toughest thing you will ever have to do but it will take you right out of your comfort zone and take you on a wonderful empowering journey you would never have got to experience.You now have freedom to be who you want to be ,a strong independent woman ,you can do this ,dont ever doubt yourself there is no excuse for a man abandoning his family ,he is a total bastard for doing this to you,post on the road to recovery ,you are very welcome ,saved my life and helped me see what an immature selfish wee boy i had married ,i wailed like a good 'un last nite then slept from half 9 til 7am ,great sleep,i feel like my heart has been ripped out in the style of Braveheart buti am the strongest woman i have ever been its just the grief coming out and dealing with his cardiac abuse.Baby steps get a plan for all the essentials and keep busy ,do what feels right for you,i believe in fresh air and exercise so get out of the house everyday keep making the effort even though you dont even want to get dressed ,eat as well as you can and keep kids in their routine,this will bring stability to your life ,act as if he is never coming back and accept this is your life now ,start to make your own decisions because you are in charge now,good luck and take care.ps if you want something to read start at the beginning Beautiful's Road to Recovery then it changes to All New Road to Recovery i come in about jan this year and my name was Maybees then ,its v funny in places and v realistic so a great read ,big hugs you are goin to be fine xxxxx

I have also jumped over from the other thread & think my dumpling friends have given v good advice & covered most of the relevant stuff for now. From my experience if your h was telling the truth & it was simply a case of falling out of love etc, then I think given the ages of your dc's especially that he would be doing everything he could to refind that love i.e. relate & not just jumping straight to ripping your family apart. Tbh it doesn't make sense that he would walk away that easily from 11yrs of marriage & two v v young dc's. I would second what everyone else has said & think there must be an ow. My own case was a bit more complicated but saying that I looked for every possible explanation except the most obvious one that was staring me in the face. I think most of us think affairs etc are something that happen to other peoples marriages & do not think it will happen to us (at least I didn't).

Also in my exp, most of these men will lie through their teeth in order to protect themselves. Mine went so far as to agree to taking a lie dector test . The reality is you may never know the full truth but in most cases it does indeed come out in the end (as with me).

I would also say just be v gentle with yourself for now. You will have a lot of good & bad days for a long time, initially a lot more bad days but that changes over time.

I would like to give you hope by saying that my dc's were 1,3 & 8 at the time. I am now 2yrs down the road & I have refound my inner happiness & peace once more. It will be a hard journey but you will come out of this so strong & you will have a far closer bond with your dc's.

Finally, I would take every step necessary to protect yourself financially. If he's not being honest in one thing i.e. ow then I wouldn't be expecting him to be honourable & honest in other matters!

Feel free to join us on the other thread if you need some extra support.

Oh, most important thing of all would be counselling for yourself. It'll really help your recovery.

Poor you. I would echo that they rarely leave without somewhere to go or at least somewhere in mind so I agree there must be more to this.
The only advice I have is to be kind to yourself and not to underestimate how big a deal this is. I don't talk easily about these things and found that the more I bottled it up, the more I suffered with other health problems. Stress and anxiety will out so take care of yourself.

I too am piling in from our thread. XH left end of last year after mucking around with OW for some time but mostly denying it. To be honest I was relieved when he left as he was awful for months whilst at home and it felt great to have the tension he created gone.

Yes it's been hard at times and there is a fair amount of fall out. But, for me there have been many many upsides, including a better relationship with the dcs, improved self esteem and the end of the anxiety I felt from his gaslighting and dishonesty.

I find doing things I enjoy (I treat myself often), taking practical steps, putting distance and boundaries between me and XH all extraordinarily helpful xxx

He is sleeping on his moms pull out, he is still paying for everything, but i have applied for benefits. He is coming by one day in the week and on saturdays to see the kids, i work some saturdays. I have spoken to him on the phone tonight and told him that it is very bewildering for me not having proper answers, but i still got nothing. I have considered hiring a private investigator, but although i want the truth i don't want to throw money away. I'm tired, i still feel poorly and quite frankly i don't feel very strong at the moment. One day at a time though.

Sorry you are not feeling well. As you say, one day at a time. You will recover and find that the difficult days get less and less. Do keep chatting to us. We are experienced, many here have been through bad times and have got through it successfully.

((( )))

I am having a really bad day, can not stop crying which with my cold is just making me feel ten times worse. H came by to see kids today then spent nearly the entire time cleaning the car inside and out, our 3 yr old decided to help which he did welcome but wtf, why come round to see kids then do that. He phoned tonight as he does every night to speak to oldest daughter, i speak first, she's 3, she hasn't that much to say so i tell him what they've been up to then put her on, he was a bit sharp with me athough he denied it and said he had just asked a question, but he was sharp and i got upset and said i had done nothing wrong and did not deserve to be spoken to like that. He said he had his own pain to deal with, and i said but you've brought it about, you deserve it. Cried a bit. 3 year old heard when she got on the phone she told him to be nice to mommy, mommy was nice. He was not happy. TBH neither am i, i don't want them in the middle feeling like they have to take sides. But ........ Christ i don't know but the thought of this forever more is horrific.
Sorry to rant.

3 years old and he calls every night to speak to her and you end up doing the talking as well?

My DD is 3 and it seems totally daft to me. She only speaks to H briefly and then gets bored and doesn't know what to say. Also I find she misses him more and is more tearful if she speaks to him often. Now she has a routine where she see's him two times a week and doesn't speak to him apart from then, she's more stable now and calm. Also this doesn't help you to have boundaries, as it just stirs up all the pain again every night

He has chosen to leave you He can't leave but still call all the time. You need space to heal and the children need you to be whole and to heal. He is ripping off the wound every night over and over with this shenanigans imo. If she was older and he rang her directly that would be better perhaps?

I think you should start as you mean to go on and set boundaries you are happy with. You need to be move on with your life, this must be very difficult for you having to speak to him every night. He's doing this as he feels guilty, however he chose this path and needs to accept things cannot be like they used to be. You need space

I am very sorry for your pain and I know it is all early days at this stage. I am no expert when it comes to breakups and children but I imagine, for your own sanity, that you will need to start establishing clear boundaries and structure for continued future visits. (more experienced people will be able to advise you on this soon I'm sure).

As hard as it is right now, I would suggest that you start trying to detach and disengage from him emotionally. That doesn't mean you won't feel pain or grief but when it comes to your H, try keep things as business-like as possible. It will be easier that way. Perhaps keep related discussions to a minimum and in writing if that helps.

If he is sharp with you, that is his problem and not your fault...ignore it where possible. No, you do not deserve to be spoken to like that and it is good to stand up for yourself...but he has absolved himself of your emotional well being so you need to be the guardian of that for yourself. Eventually, you won't even need to dignify his behaviours with a reaction. You don't need to know about his pain, you don't need to concern yourself of whether or not he is "happy" about something and you don't need to be responsible for his emotional well being either.

Again, all of this is early days so take courage where you can. Empower yourself where you can. Lean on who you can in RL when you need it. Take care of your health and make decisions that you think are best for you and your children. You will find a path through this and you will come out on the other side. Best of luck.