Anyone there?

[kittybam]

I've drunk a bit to go to sleep but it's not working. So I'm lurking onmumsnet.
Left my country ten years ago. Now I'm oop norf. See I made a funny. I couldn't wait to leave and I was pregnant, my husband had a job so up I came. He was working long unsocial hours and I was taking care of my daughter cos someone had to and I didn't hace a job, right? I have a son too, born thre years later.
He has a crush on someone at work. A silly little bint with a carreer. Younger, I don't have a carreer. I have a part time job through his connections. I tried getting a promotion but my cv is too flimsy they said.
My kids are little. They start school tomorrow. My son has his birthday in a month. My husband is obsessed with this other woman and says he cant get her out of his mind. She is a bitch but I cant say that because apparently she is a really good person. Not as good as me, but I am TOO perfect. Thats what he says. He wont sleep with me. He doesn't want to leave. He doesn't want to explain to the kids. He want a to stay at home obsessed with the bitch and be there for the kids.
So either I kick him out. Then I am a single mum in a country i do not know with no job prospects and I have to tell the kids. The litle one is six. He will not understand.
Or I stay at home with someone who is obsessed with someone else. He says he is trying to get over it but he can't.
I'm being a doormat right? Except I don't know what to do. I have acquaintances here but none that I could dump all this onto. Maybe someone will read this. He wants to come with me to take them to school tomorrow. It doesn't sound good, right?

Hello Kittybam

I don't profess to have any great advice but I can see that none of your options look very appealing. Do you know if this crush has progressed to being physical, or is it still what you might call an emotional affair?

How did you find out? Did he just tell you?

He told me. He cant stop talking about it or sighing. He said it's not physical in any form. Not sure if that makes it better or worse tbh.

So he wants you to just keep on as if nothing has happened after his confession, doesnt want to move out, doesnt want to explain to the kids. I am at a loss to think what he achieved by telling you.

Do you think he knows he has you over a barrel because you are living somewhere with no real support and that you have no alternative but to live with it? If so, you might need to call his bluff.

How do you feel about him right now?

Sighing? FFS! What a bloody Colin Firth impersonator. Sorry...but does he expect you to be sympathetic or something?

Let him go to school with you tomorrow...see all the proper couples who aren't behaving like teenagers. So has he told you upfront about everything?

Nobody wants to explain to the kids...it's a horrible job. You're too perfect? Hmmmm...what a lovely backhanded compliment.

How long have you been together and how old is he...I sense a mid-life crisis?

Do not let yourself become someone who just settles because you have no choice. You have a choice, and to be treated like this is no choice at all. Do you love him?

Kittybam

First, are you all ready for school tomorrow? Will you be able to get them off cheerfully, and then come back and post on mn?

People like Anyfucker, SolidGoldBrass, expatinScotland and a few more will be along to give you some really good advice.

Your husband is being a prat. How old is he? He sounds like he is having a plain boring sordid and regrettably not unusual mid-life crisis, which is no excuse whatsover for the stress he is putting you under.

The woman he is obsessed with may well be finding him a complete nuisance. A close friend of the family once decided he was 'bewitched' with me and it was an embarassing pain in the arse as far as I wass concerned. He also kept telling his poor wife how he felt. She may feel more uncomfortable if he is her senior, she may be laughing at him.

I think mid life has something to do with it. He's thirty seven but has settled in his career and all that. Been together sine I was 19. Too young I suppose but we were madly in love. I still love him but I'm trying not to because I think he's being a shit. I think he does expect me to be sympathetic. How can I be?

He knows he has me over a barrel. I could go back to my country. I wouldn't have a job but I could try sort something out. It's just the kids. They live here now and I don't want to hurt them. It'd be a huge upheaval for them.

I'm just drinking lots of grappa in the spare room so I can sleep. Hope I'll be okay to go to school in a few hours.

It helps a lot to talk here. It's nothing big but for me it is my life so unfortunately it is. If that makes sense.

He is bloody lucky that you still say you love him. It is a hideous inbalance (imbalance?) of power that you don't have the career, or the security of your home country, and he is a lousy excuse of a husband for putting you in this position. I am not surprised you are feeling awful. If this were in aibu, I would SHOUT that you are nbu.

I was exactly the same about a boy, talking about him all the time, but I was 17, at which age it is acceptable, if boring for one's friends.

Are you ready for school?

I will be. Seven o'clock I will have a shower. If kids say anything I will say I have a cold. Should work. Am not going in to work. Will have to do that tomorrow. Can sleep in the morning.

How old is the woman?

I call this unreasonable behaviour. He knows he has you over a barrel. What a bastard. He tells you about it. What a bastard.

It sounds as though you have 3 children and it is the youngest two who are the most important, especially tomorrow, but also always.

Surely words like 'crush' are in the same category as, 'fancied' and 'got off with', ie not used except in jest by people over 30?

I will be around for a bit but you should try and get some sleep.

When you have had your sleep you can come back and find lots of good, sound, bossy but well-informed advice waiting for you here.

30 something. Younger than me, and hasn't had any kids, let alone two. I've taken care of my self but have never been a top model and the tummy isn't flat , i am slightly overweight (size 14) and so on. I don't think I'm that bad really.
Its me saying he has a crush, he says he cant stop thinking about her and the sighing. Shit. I will try get some sleep.

Can't stop talking about her + 'sighing' (puke) = Crush. Enjoy your 110 minutes of sleep. Creamlegbar x

In your shoes, I would probably start by finding out exactly how I would stand financially if I had to go it alone. By tomorrow, I am sure there will be many posters who can give accurate information on housing benefit etc. to which you would be entitled. He will also have to provide for the children. With both children in school, I might explore other better paid job possibilities.

Having thus reassured myself that I can put food on the table, I would probably then hand him an ultimatum. He moves out and does something about this woman instead of sighing over her.

I realise this sounds dangerous, and it could well be. I'd be taking the chance of it pulling him up short from his reverie and returning him to reality. When faced with the prospect of actually approaching this woman, he could go for it, but I'd be betting he will realise how ridiculous he is behaving.

If he went, I would be well rid, although I could also be faced later with a plea to return once he realises all that he has lost. If he stays, I would have to decide how best to proceed from there; could I ever trust him not to wound me again?

Regardless of how that scenario could pan out, it is a shit place to be in. for you, kittybam.

30 something. Younger than me... I've taken care of my self ... and the tummy isn't flat , i am slightly overweight (size 14) and so on. I don't think I'm that bad really

This isn't about you. This is about him. I am sorry to say that to me, it reads like he is trying to justify having an affair.

How long as this 'crush' been going on in comparison to not sleeping with you? Any close time line?

Oh Kittybam. How completely shit for you.

Right. You can still love him (if you must, and I suppose you can't help if you do) but you don't have to like him AT ALL right now.

As long as he knows you are still going to be there for him he has no incentive to stop being such a mean, selfish arsehole.

In your situation I would detatch from him emotionally. I would be cheerful and brisk and perhaps develop a crush of my own. I would do everything to let him know that I don't actually need him emotionally. My bet is that once he realises he can't have his cake and eat it, he will come to his senses, and then is the time for serious discussions about your future together if you have one.

I would also start looking at the practicalities and sorting out finances and routes out of the relationship. And I wouldn't particularly mind if he saw what I was doing. If he called me on it I would look at him blankly and say "but you don't expect me to stay in a relationship with a man who is mooning over another woman do you?" in a 'how odd' sort of voice.

As it currently stands, he is the one going about your relationship and family life with a wrecking ball and you have no choice but to react to that, so you don't have to feel guilty. It is HIM doing this. You would be doing your children a disservice if you meekly put up with it.

Good luck.

Well. I have sat him down and said that either he gets a grip and acts like a father and husband or I'm happy to pack his bags for him. He doesn't want to leave, he says, but. There's a big but. We've done this a week ago and there seems to have been no progress at all.

I am opening an account for myself. Do I ask for a set sum every month or a percentage of his earnings? Do I need a solicitor for this?
Will be up in the spare room for today and will try get some more sleep. School run went okay, i took the kids by myself and I don't think anything shows. Its at night that I start thinking what am I going to do?

Sorry to say i think its gone much further than just a crush. I think hes told you in the hope that you will accept it and allow him to see her .

He says he doesnt want to leave , he might even suggest " getting it out of his system " ect, or an open marriage . I say this as despite his confession he clearly feels no remorse .

In your shoes i think HE would be in the spare room and id consult a soliciter about your options. Its quite possible that you can stay in the house with tax credits ect, dont forget about maintenance too. You might even be better off ! I think id be packing for him if it was me.

You didn't say what the 'but' was. Was it 'But I won't be able to resist talking to you about my schoolboy crush and sighing like an prat'?

Great that the school run went off. I don't know the financials although apparently you get the first 30 minute consultation free. Or perhaps charge your legal fees to him.

If you posted this in aibu, you would get more of a response, perhaps.

It sounds to me as though you have told him all the relevant bits of information and have nothing more to add to that. Don't get into details, or conditions.

Either he gets a grip and acts like a decent father and HUSBAND or you will pack his bags for him.

You need to see a solicitor, and maybe the CAB can help you/give you advice. I would also go to your normal bank and ask to open a bank account. Take along details of your joint account, and a few forms of ID, passport, driving license, bills, pay slips etc. (You don't need much money to open an account.)

You could also contact job centre plus, they can give advice on finding work and improving your skills. (If you have language skills they could be a great help in finding work.)

Also get photocopies of bank statements, and savings accounts. If possible get someone outside of the home to store these for you, just in case.

Having knowledge and starting to be independent will help. Britain is supposed to be one of the best places to divorce, so he did you a favour there if it comes to that.

I want to email the OW, is it a bad idea?

Yes, sort the practicalities out. THis man has decided that as you have no apparent means of support (which is not true, you will get benefits and he will have to contribute financially to his DC's upbringing) that you will have to put up with the situation and carry on servicing him domestically while he has sex with the other woman. Once you've done the sums and taken the right advice tell him that you don';t want to be married to someone who is in love with someone else, the marriage is over and (depending on what advice you have been given WRT the family home) either you and the DC are leaving the house or he has to leave.
He thinks he has all the power, this is bullshit. You can be the one to make the decision that the marriage is over due to his behaviour and his complete lack of respect and consideration for you.

Dont do it Kitty , focus your energy on more important things.

No, don't email her, it's HIM you have an issue with.

Remain calm, remain dignified.

It's HIM that has to be running about like a blue arsed fly trying to make things right, not you. It's not your job to warn her off, it's his job to wake up and see what he is doing.

I swear, I don't think I could put up with the simpering and sighing, I'd be (theoretically) murderous! One more sigh and get your hob-nail boots on and kick him out. Seriously.

It's such a huge lack of respect.

Agree totally with SGB, as usual.

I'm not putting up with it very well myself :) at blue arsed fly. Am going to find a solicitor for advice.