Anyone there?

[kittybam]

I've drunk a bit to go to sleep but it's not working. So I'm lurking onmumsnet.
Left my country ten years ago. Now I'm oop norf. See I made a funny. I couldn't wait to leave and I was pregnant, my husband had a job so up I came. He was working long unsocial hours and I was taking care of my daughter cos someone had to and I didn't hace a job, right? I have a son too, born thre years later.
He has a crush on someone at work. A silly little bint with a carreer. Younger, I don't have a carreer. I have a part time job through his connections. I tried getting a promotion but my cv is too flimsy they said.
My kids are little. They start school tomorrow. My son has his birthday in a month. My husband is obsessed with this other woman and says he cant get her out of his mind. She is a bitch but I cant say that because apparently she is a really good person. Not as good as me, but I am TOO perfect. Thats what he says. He wont sleep with me. He doesn't want to leave. He doesn't want to explain to the kids. He want a to stay at home obsessed with the bitch and be there for the kids.
So either I kick him out. Then I am a single mum in a country i do not know with no job prospects and I have to tell the kids. The litle one is six. He will not understand.
Or I stay at home with someone who is obsessed with someone else. He says he is trying to get over it but he can't.
I'm being a doormat right? Except I don't know what to do. I have acquaintances here but none that I could dump all this onto. Maybe someone will read this. He wants to come with me to take them to school tomorrow. It doesn't sound good, right?

don't email this woman

i agree with LMHF and SGB. he wants you to continue to do the domestic chores and look after his children while he pursues some stupid romantic dream

what a tosser

and you would be very, very silly to let him do that

how humiliating for you

you need to get your financial information sorted...go to CAB, ring womens Aid, see a solicitor, speak to benefits office

you will find you are not trapped, you do not have to put up and shut up

kick him out, let him make a total arse of himself...he will be back with his tail between his legs

hopefully by then, you will have realised that functioning as a domestic appliance, expected to swallow your hurt and humiliation whilst he acts like a lovesick teenager is too much to ask of anyone...and you will tell him to skip off for good

your children can still have a relationship with him...but you do not have to

Look, what are we talking about here? Is this an unrequited crush that he's got, or are the feelings mutual between them? If you think the OW is a bitch, I assume that what he is confessing to is an emotional affair with this woman where they both feel the same?

How did this get disclosed? Did you discover something or did he admit it? What reason is he giving for why they haven't had sex yet?

Until you know with certainty what you're dealing with - and tell us - it's pretty impossible to advise. Tell us the whole sorry tale from start to finish and then I think you'll get more targeted advice.

I don't know whether its unrequited. He said "we got on too well together". I know she started working with him about three months ago when he told me that the new staff are "very friendly". Then once he said that she "thinks I'm the best person in the world" and he was enjoying it and I told him that's not right. Then he started acting funny and sighing and saying he doesn't know where things are going. Then he came back and said he's "decided" to stay with us. Yes I know how this sounds, but I am telling all.

he left his email on one day and I saw an email to her with a job in new Zealand and he wrote " good place to run away to" with no answer from her. I went mad at this and he swore it was a joke, that nothing ever happened and that she has left the job anyway as she found a new one.

Now he is saying (to me!) that he can't forget her though he is trying his best (I doubt it because he has called her on his phone). Plus the sighing and long runs "to get fit".

There it is. He promised dd today that he's not leaving...

Only other person vie spoken to about it (hough not with all the details) is an old friend from my country who thinks he's acting like a complete and utter idiot but I owe it to the kids to hang in there for a bit.

My dad used to do this to my mum. He was a psychopath, btw. One of the women made a harassment complaint against him.

Even if your H isn't a psychopath, he's not behaving like anyone who loves you & cares about you. Please start getting your head round this simple, painful fact. Make an appointment with the CAB. Check here for an idea of what benefits you might be entitled to.

Who told you your CV was 'flimsy'? Have you been to see any employment agencies?

I think your freind was well meaning but misguided to say you owe it to the kids to hang in there . Why are we as women expected to stay in a crappy relationship for the childrens sake ?

I dont see any benefit for children whos mother is upset and humiliated , nor what that models for them . The email about running away would suggest to me that its more than just a crush.

Sorry, I'm still utterly confused. What do you know about how she feels about him, other than what you've said? What is he saying? Why do you say she's a silly bint and a bitch?

From what you've said, he sounds like a classic case of a silly man who misinterpreted a somewhat gushy woman's compliments as evidence of attraction and got a ridiculous ego boost from it, convincing himself that she was some kind of soul-mate. You say she ignored the E mail? Perhaps she thought "Oh dear, what an idiot" and it made her feel uncomfortable to say the least. And she's left the job?

His behaviour stinks and it smacks of someone who feels that he's in the middle of some tragic love story, with all this sighing and begrudged declarations that he's staying. Too right, probably because this woman wouldn't have him, that's all.

What's your communication like generally? One way of approaching this you see was to have had an adult conversation when this first started about how crushes are normal, but to analyse as a couple why it has happened. For you to talk about fidelity and temptation rationally. But it sounds as though you issued warnings and blamed her, not him and he had such a sense of entitlement that he thought it was okay to go into a period of mourning.

There's so much wrong with this scenario and therefore makes me think that your marriage is not just blighted by infidelity, but by terrible communication and an imbalance of power.

He has an upper hand, for now.

Don't let him put you down, it is easy as he is thinking that you have no choices.

My ex was very eager to do that until I told him that if he wants to be difficult I can be difficult too. Move away where is cheaper for me etc.

TBH for me theres' always one way to communicate with people like your DH - would he talk to his colleagues at work like that, how would he feel if his sister was spoken to her in the same matter etc.

He has financial obligations towards you and his kids and at the moment he is behaving unreasonably by hurting you.

Keep a diary of what is been said and done so when you go to talk to solicitor or a CAB you have good starting point.

I'm just drinking lots of grappa in the spare room so I can sleep. Hope I'll be okay to go to school in a few hours

Op some may say I am out of line but I have to ask tbh, this was posted 04.54,I have to ask you didn't drive the kids to school did you?

I was drunk when I wrote the first message. All I know is what he told me which obviously is his version of events. I do not know how she feels which is why I thought maybe sending her an email asking her not to return his calls would help. I still am quite resentful of her swanning in and "gushing" or whatever and now my marriage is on the line. Hence the harsh words. Bottom line is I don't know about her. He thinks she is attracted to him but that is neither here nor there. He's worked with other females before and there was no problem. It's just this one that somehow is a problem.

I am aware that the fact that this has happened shows that things are not right with the relationship. I did not start by issuing warnings. This has been going on for about a month now. I've had health problems in that time as well as the job problems so I have not always been cheerful. We have had the"temptation is normal" conversation, particularly when he started talking about her. My main worry now is that he is still acting the same so i dont know what to do next. Ihave contacted relate for counseling but he has already said he doesn't want to come.

No we waked to school. Thanks for the concern.

That should have been walked, sorry.

kitty lest there is any misunderstanding, I don't think that this happened because of problems in your relationship at all. A silly man getting an ego boost does not equate to a man in an unhappy marriage. These things happen in good marriages too.

My comment was about how this has been handled post-disclosure.

Contacting the ex-colleague is thw wrong way to approach this. You shouldn't be controlling his fidelity. He should be doing that. You warning off one woman, won't prevent the next one - and next time that woman may well reciprocate his feelings or not give a damn about the fact that he is married.

If he won't go to Relate, then go by yourself and draw some conclusions about why he won't go. He's not committed to resolving this and taking responsibility for truly horrible behaviour. Please don't ever think that this is your lot, because it really doesn't have to be.

I was reading a blurb for a book called "the myth of monogamy" and he suddenly got very interested. AIBU to expect him to be faithful or is it a lost cause already.

One of his friends has recently left his wife and kids and moved in with a twenty year old. Many of the senior people in his job are onto their second if not third marriages. This section is unfortunately full of cheating husbands. I may be U but I do think if you love someone you should be faithful to them.

So do I Kitty. So do most people who are in a marriage or relationship where monogamy has been promised.

You need to ask him about his attitudes to fidelity. He's certainly got lifestyle vulnerabilities if his workplace is full of people who are screwing around on their partners and leaving their marriages.

As I recall, that book you saw was about how common infidelity is, but it doesn't condone it.

You might be better off getting a book called "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Don't ever apologise for wanting fidelity and having that absolute expectation. But you need honesty from him about whether he has changed his mind about fidelity since he got married.

Get talking and get some honesty into your communication.

Thank you so much for your words. I will get that book.