Has anyone been dumped by a friend ?

[argeybargey]

I think that I have been dumped by a close friend.

I am not sure why I am posting this or what I expect to achieve in doing so.I just know that I am really upset by what has happened.

In a nutshell, a very close friend seemed to change when she was pregnant (yes, I know ...and I've been there twice myself so I do know what pregnancy hormones can do to you . .)I responded by giving her lots of space , and after her daughter was born I got back in touch and we met up a few times.It was obvious though that something had changed.

When I was pregnant with my second dd I suffered from depression. I did, if I am honest, lean on my friend ,perhaps a little too heavily once or twice.(But only once or twice,as in two isolated occasions. I am not a needy type and although I occasionaly need a shoulder to cry on that is rare for me, I tend to deal with things myself). In fairness though I totally believed that we had that kind of a frienship , and it would have been 100% the case that I would have done the same for her, had the situation been the other way around.

My friend had a difficult pregnancy and her health suffered. At this point she ceased getting in touch.Understandable. I left a message with her mum to send her our love (so that she knew that we -as a family- were all thinking of her)and then left it as she obviously needed space and had enough on her plate.

After her daughter was born we met up a few times but something had changed. I felt that I was on egg shells with her. She told me how she had blown out some old family friends over something that sounded very trivial. At the time I thought 'hormones' - (I've been there with that when pregnant/just given birth , although it did, if I am honest, strike me as a little unreasonable and irrational at the time).However we continued to text/e mail fairly regularly, chatting about our dd's (I have two dd's, one a little older that her dd).

After a 2nd visit to her home though things took a downward turn. I can think back to maybe one or two things that possibly may have upset her. But nothing that was intentioned or meant in a bad way - more just things that she may have taken the wrong way because she seemed very sensitive to everthing, however small.

The upshot is this : my friend moved away in April (to be with her immediate family, again, totally understandable given her circumstances)and since then our contact has been pretty much non existent - except for one e mail from her that was about three lines of nothing.

I'm not stupid and I know when I've been dumped. I guess I am just posting because I don't honestly know what else to do.

I'm taken aback by how devastated I feel - it's like a bereavement.I have always had lots of friends/acquaintances but only three who I am really close to (and who I would class as likely lifelong friends). Said friend was one such friend : (

I can't work out if motherhood has changed her to extent that there is no room in her life for anyone else. . I have two dd's who I adore but I have never felt that this means that I have no time for my friends . . Have I done something (or some things??)that have upset her.... or (worse still - this one hurts the most)was I was just too much hassle to be around ? : (

I thought that I was fairly considerate around others but if not - well, I am trying to say that I just feel rejected , and really, really hurt : ( And I miss her.We had a lot of history together. I feel like I am saying goodbye to a part of my youth too : (

There was an issue for me with the friendship in that I always felt that she was only truly comfortable being a maternal type friend - I used to resist this and just wanted to be friends on an equal footing,yet she was always rather closed tbh. Therefore I think that she probably just saw me as one of her 'lame ducks' and once her daughter came along maybe I didn't fill that maternal gap in her life ? That saddens me as it feels like in that case she never really 'saw' me clearly : ( That's all speculative though. I'll probably never know why. That is hard to deal with too - I feel in limbo, and it has knocked my confidence,I feel unsure of myself again.

This might all sound a bit full on, but by way of explanation I have always had close female friendships and my female friends have always meant a lot to me as I grew up without family around me.I wouldn't say that I have unresolved issues around that or am particularly needy because of it,I've dealt with most of that pretty well I'd say. I am happily married with two gorgeous children and I'm very happy with my lot.

And that's it really. I just wondered if anyone else has been through this, because it's crap, and it hurts like hell : (

I know how you feel, although circumstances were different. My best friend dropped me like a brick when her new girlfriend objected to me.

I was best friends with my lesbian friend and when she met someone who insisted she had nothing to do with me because I was straight and she was jealous.

I was very hurt and just couldn't understand why our friendship should be affected by her new relationship.

I really missed my friend.

you do sound very upset

It's very painful isn't it. It is a sort of bereavement I think. With the added factor that the other person has done it deliberately. It's awful to feel unwanted.

I have been dumped by somebody who mattered a great deal to me. Dumped in a really abrupt and cold way. It was a long time ago and it still hurts tbh. Not as much as it used to - I have other people in my life now and am not actually lonely - but it still hurts, when I think about it. I think it will always leave a bad taste.

My only advice is to try not to let it affect how much you like yourself. You will have other friends who treat you better and don't hurt you.

So sorry I can't be more helpful

Scurryfunge - Thankyou big virtual hug

....It's a crap thing to go through isn't it : (

So sorry to hear what happened with you and your friend .. So unfair x

I feel rather embarrassed that this all happened about 25 years ago and I still feel rather hurt by it.

Reciprocal hug back .

Greensleeves is right in that other friendships develop and true friends stay forever.

Greensleeves - Thankyou big virtual hug

• Your post made me tear up a little. I'm so sorry that you went through this too. It is so crap. I know I sound like a broken record but it is, just, CRAP.(Apologies if that word offends anybody)

I know exactly what you mean about the 'bad taste' feeling too : (

Thankyou so much for sharing what happened with you, it has really helped and It does help knowing that others have gone through it too, although I wouldn't wish it on anybody : (

Yes I was dumped by a friend/neighbour and still don't know why.
After several years of being close- we had children at roughly the same time- she simply stopped contacting me, almost overnight.
She avoided eye contact/saying hello in the street.

I racked my brains as to what I'd done or said and no joy.

We have both since moved though live in the same towm more or less and if she (rarely)sees me she looks right through me.

It hurt for ages as I really did want to know what I had done.

Try not to let it get to you. It's her loss

I was dumped by a friend a few years ago.

I still go a bit hot with embarrassment that I didn't notice the signs, tbh.

I started off being a 'Saturday night' friend and gradually got demoted to a 'Monday night if there's nothing better to do' friend.

The awful thing was, she was getting married and ket putting me off, saying she was so busy with wedding preparations that she didn't even have time to see her best (not me) friend. So I offered to do things to help her out with her preparations, which she kept turning down.

I did go on her hen night, felt very uncomfortable as she barely spoke to me- although have subsequently been very glad I did as that's when I met DH- and at the wedding I was deliberately excluded from the 'hen night group' photos.

I was very upset about it, particularly because at the time she was quite a big part of my single parent social life. But I have since found out from a utual friend that she has repeated this pattern many times with other friends.

So not much of a loss, I think.

But now I have better friends and don't miss her at all.

Purplepeony - that's awful : ( big virtual hug.

I am actually shocked by that.

It's the not knowing that is so horrible too, not knowing what you have 'done'(or are supposed to have done) - racking your brains - I've been doing that too and I am just going around in endless circles : (

I had a friend that I didn't want to be friends with any more - so I told her outright. I think it was only fair. If you wanted to end a romantic relationship you would have to tell your partner, wouldn't you?

Sorry this is happening to you op.

Could your friend be depressed? I have been rather shabby with friends of mine lately, but I am suffering from mild depression and just seem to have lost the ability to socialise.

I had a friend that I was quite close to at uni, but when we graduated he literally cut me off. No idea why but he was always getting ideas about people being too much of a drain, and it would be just like him to think 'Right, I am not going to be friends with anyone who doesn't run after me all the time' (he could be quite egocentric). I am not the running-after sort. I guess that was it. I wasn't massively upset, he was quite hard work, but I did wonder about his motivation...

Shodan - go on, do a so ner , you deserve one : )

Ah. . .seems I am not alone in dealing with this then : ( but also : )because of lovely mumsnetters posting.

It is interesting that this 'friend' had done this before, that there was a pattern too,because you know then that it isn't 'you' but likely to be them ,which is some solace I think .. .

nameymcnamechange -Thanks for posting - I respect the fact that you told your friend straight. That is preferable I think as it brings closure. The not knowing what you are supposed to have done is horrible, and it makes closure difficult.

I've just realised that I'm beginning to get closure as I am not sure anymore that I am interested in the reasons why. I kind of feel like the time for that has gone past now.I think that I'm at a kind of grieving stage with it all now : (

Thanks again for posting, this all helps. Mumsnetters are fab : )

yes, this has happened to me. I wrote on here about a friend who had started to let me down over nights out, citing not been able to get a babysitter but was well able to get one if she had a date!! I kind of got over it but now I hear she is moving with her children 300 miles away and I have text her asking what shes up to. She hasnt replied, its like texting a bloke you are into and them not replying. Embarrassing really!! We were single together and had alot of fun. The strange thing is, she is moving to some random town, without a job or any familiy/friend support. Just going. I actually think she is depressed.

Today was another example, I asked her what she was doing (Im a glutton for punishment) as I thought if we met up she might tell me of her plans. She said she was free. I waited all day for her to ring me but, she never did!!

It will pass but, I know how you feel.x

Aw thanks, argeybargey.

Yes, it helped, knowing she was like that.

I'm sorry you're so down about your friend though. But really, she's not a friend worth having, is she? Hang on to that.

There'll be other, better friends along soon.

fuschiagroan - Thanks for posting - I have known people like your uni friend who have been hyper sensitive to if someone was 'draining' them. In fact I am wondering if I used to work with your uni friend as he sounds a lot like a guy I used to work with lol : D

I see a pattern with all of these posts though and I am beginning to see that actually it may be a lot more to do with the other person and what may be going on with them - the 'Dumper' rather than the 'Dumpee'.

And I have been wondering if my friend is depressed.

I think that about mine.

And there is a pattern in the way that they start cutting you off.

It is abit like being dumped by a cowardly lover!!

Kittya Thanks for posting - Yes ! Isn't it just ?! It reminds me of that thing blokes sometimes do when they want to end things with a woman but havn't got the balls to do it - you know, that thing where they start treating a woman shabbily so she'll get so fed up that she'll be forced to do the dumping . . .depressing really isn't it !

Mine's a bit different, but still v hurtful: I had a best friend for years who I did everything with. We got on so well, virtually never argued, liked the same things, etc. She was abused as a child and I spent so many days and nights consoling her and talking about how it wasn't her fault, supporting her through counselling, even chatting for ages if she rang me in the middle of the night crying because of flashbacks and nightmares. She was a bit of a hippy, always trying new 'spiritual' things, whereas I'm an Atheist, but we never argued about all that as we accepted each other. One night, out of the blue, only a few days after a cracking night out to the cinema, lots of laughs, etc., she rang me and told me that her new Guru had told her that our souls were not aligned, that our aura colours clashed, that my denial of 'the Creator' would poison her karmic destination and ability to transcend after death (or some crap like that) and that my 'energy pattern' was the same as her abuser's! She then said she loved me but she would never talk to me or see me ever again - and she never has! Two days later she moved to somewhere 100s of miles away, her neighbour told me.

It sounds v funny, but it was 7 years ago and still hurts. If it was for a reason I could comprehend it might be understandable but it was so bizarre and ridiculous that it felt so unfair. And yet I still feel faintly embarrassed, like I did something wrong!

I hope she didnt join a cult!! Im sorry but, it sounds so outrageous I did laugh abit!

You are right about the embarrassment. I feel like that as well. I suppose she made a clean break so you didnt have the humiliation of her not returning calls or texts.

At least we all have other people in our lifes!!

Its my birthday today and my friend knew that.

That's shit, Kittya. Even when I've been mad at someone, I've always popped a card in the post at least. But some people are so self-obsessed that they can't see beyond the imaginary slights they've wrongly perceived have occurred. Do you really want to be friends with someone who's being as self-centred, mean and weird as her? I know it doesn't stop it hurting though.

I think my old friend did join a cult, yes. It's definitely a 'laugh or you'd cry' thing! :)

Scorpette -(shock)(shock)(shock)I am totally and utterly lost for words at your post. That is just . . .horrendous. I can imagine your pain - that is just awful. The injustice there is just terrible :(

The moving away bit is really difficult too. I am finding this at the moment. I don't actually know where my friend lives now (no adress; rough idea of area just from what they said before they went). Kind of irrelevant where they are now but still, it all adds to that feeling of being left behind doesn't it,and makes closure difficult.

I get the faintly embaressed bit - I feel a bit like I did something wrong too at the moment , although I am slowly beginning to see that I really didn't. And you didn't either. Big hug : )

Kittya - Happy Birthday hun : )

I had thought about the whole not replying thing - I think that she wouldn't want to hurt my feelings so has just cut things off , but it has just left me feeling like I have done something wrong - like I'm not good enough I suppose if I'm being honest - but I recognise this as my stuff , blast from my past etc. That's the trouble with this kind of thing it stirs up a hornets nest of very uncomfortable emotions...

I think my friend is depressed tbh. You would have to be to want to take your kids off to a town you havent lived in for twenty years where you have no connections anymore. Im guessing she was just going to pack them all off in a car and leave everything and everyone she has known without saying goodbye. Cutting me off like that makes it easier, I guess.

Dont worry, I will make up for it tomorrow night with my other friends.

Its a shame though cos, she was the only one that is single!

I shouldnt be thinking of my birthday anyway, its bloody depressing.

Oh, well. We have to wish them well I suppose.

How is your karma these days?? that is funny, made my night!!

Happy birthday! I just hope my terrible energy patterns won't ruin your day

Thanks argeybargey - I don't generally tell people my story, as I can tell they think there must be something more to it and I'm exaggerating, but it really happened. Unfortunately. She spent over an hour rabbiting away about auras and shit whilst I tried to get her to think logically about what she was saying!

• Just thought Kittya, I've got a birthday coming up soon, I won't be holding my breath for a card either : D You've got to laugh havn't you or else you'd cry.

On a more serious note though ...

Sadly dd1 also has a birthday coming up and I'm going to have to explain why ' Aunty X' hasn't sent her a card either (dd1 still talks about 'Aunty X'often, and fondly) : (