Has anyone been dumped by a friend ?

[argeybargey]

I think that I have been dumped by a close friend.

I am not sure why I am posting this or what I expect to achieve in doing so.I just know that I am really upset by what has happened.

In a nutshell, a very close friend seemed to change when she was pregnant (yes, I know ...and I've been there twice myself so I do know what pregnancy hormones can do to you . .)I responded by giving her lots of space , and after her daughter was born I got back in touch and we met up a few times.It was obvious though that something had changed.

When I was pregnant with my second dd I suffered from depression. I did, if I am honest, lean on my friend ,perhaps a little too heavily once or twice.(But only once or twice,as in two isolated occasions. I am not a needy type and although I occasionaly need a shoulder to cry on that is rare for me, I tend to deal with things myself). In fairness though I totally believed that we had that kind of a frienship , and it would have been 100% the case that I would have done the same for her, had the situation been the other way around.

My friend had a difficult pregnancy and her health suffered. At this point she ceased getting in touch.Understandable. I left a message with her mum to send her our love (so that she knew that we -as a family- were all thinking of her)and then left it as she obviously needed space and had enough on her plate.

After her daughter was born we met up a few times but something had changed. I felt that I was on egg shells with her. She told me how she had blown out some old family friends over something that sounded very trivial. At the time I thought 'hormones' - (I've been there with that when pregnant/just given birth , although it did, if I am honest, strike me as a little unreasonable and irrational at the time).However we continued to text/e mail fairly regularly, chatting about our dd's (I have two dd's, one a little older that her dd).

After a 2nd visit to her home though things took a downward turn. I can think back to maybe one or two things that possibly may have upset her. But nothing that was intentioned or meant in a bad way - more just things that she may have taken the wrong way because she seemed very sensitive to everthing, however small.

The upshot is this : my friend moved away in April (to be with her immediate family, again, totally understandable given her circumstances)and since then our contact has been pretty much non existent - except for one e mail from her that was about three lines of nothing.

I'm not stupid and I know when I've been dumped. I guess I am just posting because I don't honestly know what else to do.

I'm taken aback by how devastated I feel - it's like a bereavement.I have always had lots of friends/acquaintances but only three who I am really close to (and who I would class as likely lifelong friends). Said friend was one such friend : (

I can't work out if motherhood has changed her to extent that there is no room in her life for anyone else. . I have two dd's who I adore but I have never felt that this means that I have no time for my friends . . Have I done something (or some things??)that have upset her.... or (worse still - this one hurts the most)was I was just too much hassle to be around ? : (

I thought that I was fairly considerate around others but if not - well, I am trying to say that I just feel rejected , and really, really hurt : ( And I miss her.We had a lot of history together. I feel like I am saying goodbye to a part of my youth too : (

There was an issue for me with the friendship in that I always felt that she was only truly comfortable being a maternal type friend - I used to resist this and just wanted to be friends on an equal footing,yet she was always rather closed tbh. Therefore I think that she probably just saw me as one of her 'lame ducks' and once her daughter came along maybe I didn't fill that maternal gap in her life ? That saddens me as it feels like in that case she never really 'saw' me clearly : ( That's all speculative though. I'll probably never know why. That is hard to deal with too - I feel in limbo, and it has knocked my confidence,I feel unsure of myself again.

This might all sound a bit full on, but by way of explanation I have always had close female friendships and my female friends have always meant a lot to me as I grew up without family around me.I wouldn't say that I have unresolved issues around that or am particularly needy because of it,I've dealt with most of that pretty well I'd say. I am happily married with two gorgeous children and I'm very happy with my lot.

And that's it really. I just wondered if anyone else has been through this, because it's crap, and it hurts like hell : (

thats the sad thing, when children are asking its quite heart breaking.

These ladies are pretty tough arent they? Its so like a girlfriend cowardly boyfriend relationship. I think thats why I find it embarrassing, like Im chasing someone.

Yeah, that is it , and I think also,with me, it's that whole thing of feeling stupid for really misjudging and misreading the friendship and ,yes, doing a fair bit of chasing I'm sure.

Then again, I kind of think 'so what' if I wear my heart on my sleeve as it's balanced by a fair ammount of self control, and if she can't see that she's thrown away a really loyal friend then sod her.

Which stage of grief is this then - anger ? : )

Yes, I reckon it is anger.

Im better off without my friend to be honest. The way she has behaved is quite sly. I wish she had moved already as its embarrassing when I see her at work. I mean, what are you supposed to say "why havent you answered my texts?" you cant say that to another woman!!

Why not? I probably would say something like "I take it you're not bothered about being friends any more" if she had been a good friend and I wanted to know what had happened. If a casual friend I'd let it drop. I'd say it in person rather than text etc

she just text me for a mutual companions number. I said what happened yesterday? she never replied.

Its a joint birthday, this companions and mine. The fairweather friend has text the companion to say shes not coming. Guess why? no babysitter. Its always no babysitter. She never even said happy birthday to me.

I really wish she would just go to where ever she is supposed to be going. Its very upsetting.

A Quick update - Well, I still havn't heard anything, and don't expect to now. Havn't done for last three months to be honest. It was my daughter's birthday recently, mine too; no card, nothing. I felt sad at times on both of those days.Ah well.Life goes on here and life goes on there too. C'est la vie.

I thought i'd post in case anyone else has gone through this and is looking for support/insights.

This kind of thing definately makes you re-assess your perceptions of said friendship. Have come to conclusion that said friendship wasn't what I thought it was. Makes me question my own judgement. Also makes me think that, actually, I havn't lost what I thought I'd lost ,namely, a life long there-whatever-the-weather friend.Makes it easier.

I believe that it's her loss.I keep thinking of babies and bathwater.

To anyone who is reading this who has gone, or is going through it, I am really sorry, it is a bit crap but life goes on.

I am the the dumper so, for what it's worth, here is my story.

I've been friends with a girl for ten fourteen years. We had lots of fun and drinks as single girls. Life moved on, she met a total coke addled loser and i married and has ds. I have felt myself pull away from her as I find I no longer respect her. I also have serious health concerns and so never feel like going on the nights she arranges (centred on drinking). She had a very difficult childhood, which included sexual abuse. I listened patiently over the years and urged her to get counselling. She never did but preferred to bring the topic up in polite company which I loather, total strangers were burdened with this stuff on foreign holidays.

I just feel we have outgrown each other, we are not the same people we were all those years ago. She is of the opinion that a true friend should always be there and listen but never challenge the horrendous things she puts up with. And I disagree. I am entitled to my opinion, and my opinion is she is wallowing in the misery of a dreadful relationship and owes it to her child to get the hell out of it.

So, the upshot is, I want out. I want to go to the theatre and drive there and back without it turning in to a drunken night out. Nothing wrong with what she wants, it's just not what I want.

I havn't told her 'it's over' as it isn't a love affair, I have just not returned her calls or attended any social events. I cannot imagine how you tell a person their friendship isn't required without causing worse hurt. She has many more friends, as do I. Life goes on. We had good times, and now we don't.

I don't think there is anything wrong with moving on and changing friends. I have never understood the need for longevity with friends. Surely it's the strength of fellow feeling you have, and when that wanes, the kindest thing to do is move on?

hi, bit late to this post but really glad that you are feeling better. I was dumped by my closest friend earlier this year (also during her pregnancy) because it was too difficult for her to be pregnant around me when I was dealing with having had two miscarriages in the previous year. Which she explained to me on email in a response to an invite to DD birthday party!

Fast forward and I am now relieved and can see that the friendship was not as I thought. It did give me the impetus to make new friends though and I am much happier now. Glad you are feeling better!

Sorry, fourteen years, not ten. And loather is loather

Thanks for posting Perfumed Life - Your post was really interesting. I think that I would have struggled to maintain any friendship with the person that you described too. That's being honest.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with changing friends and moving on either. We've all done it I'm sure. I know that I have, usually for my sanity and mental health.

I guess it's life. Sometimes we have to do it and sometimes people have to do it us. It's still crap when it happens to you though,life or not.

I feel better now that I realise that the friendship is not what I thought it was. Ah well. Worse things happen at sea.

Definately her loss though : D

MsGee - Thanks so much for sharing your experience - I could indentify with much of it, especially with your friend being pregnant - I am still convinced that hormones (and possibly PND )played their part in how she changed (as not just where I was concerned),and if it was(or is PND)then I feel really sorry for her.

argeybargey you sound like a lovely, warm, sensitive person and it really is her loss.