Dh, cannabis and our family

[theycallme]

I have been with dh for seventeen years and when we first met both took recreational drugs.

I have'nt taken any drugs for a number of years now and despite dh saying for years he is going to stop smoking weed he has not. Ok a few feeble attempts here and there mainly when he can't get hold of anything!

We have two dc, our eldest has very severe autism and youngest nt. Dc1 is bloody hard work, mainly non verbal with severe behavioural problems associated with the autism.

I am a stay at home mum and dh works full time.

I have said to him on numerous occassions that I don't want drugs in the house and for a time he will respect that then reverts back to normal.

I suffer from severe depression am relatively stable but have been a bloody mess at times. Dc1 does'nt sleep well and my day usually starts between 4-5 am, I get up with because dh has to work which is fair enough but I need to get a couple of hours sleep in the day to function if I don't sleep my depression worsens, lately he quizzes me on what I have done in the day after the jobs etc and I am made to feel like a lazy cow for getting a kip.

Dh speaks to us all like shit sometimes dc2 does'ntlike being around him without me alot of the time because "Daddy just shouts all the time"

I never go out, am always here for the children and frequently diffuse the fucking horrible atmosphere he creates.

The final straw for me was this morning I found a childrens tea time set that I had bought some time ago and had put away until we needed it. Got it down from the unit and it had cannabis in the mug. When dh got up at 1pm, (he was out last night) I told him that was completely out of order. His response I am a sanctimonious cow.

He thinks that his behaviour and drug use is completely acceptable, ffs he is nearly 40.

I don't think I could cope on my own, I know that sounds pathtetic but it is true.

My children are safe, loved, fed and clean and although this contridicts what i've just said I feel like a single parent, this has always been the case he has never been interested in doing stuff with us and me and the dc go out alone the majority of the time, it's easier that way.

What the fuck do I do, this can't go on but I don't have the mental strength or energy to change anything.

btw have namechanged for this

sounds like you are on your own anyway love

You sound like you have a LOT on your plate and that DH isn't really helping...

I'm sure someone else will be along with more constructive advice soon but you sound like you've had enough...

You need to get out of this relationship.

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He is exposing the children to his drug use and that is unacceptable.If he tries to control what you do during the day, then that is emotionally abusive.

Hugs, am sorry this is happening to you, I think you are in a very difficult situation.

I would say that you need to decide what you want long term. If you think that eventually you will have to kick him out then you need to take action to prepare yourself, arm yourself with the relevant information and emotional strength.

If on the other hand you want to make a go of it then suggest some counselling and try to work through the problems. There seems to be a lot of anger on his side, and you and your dcs deserve better than this sort of behaviour.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

You've established what you want from your dh in your mind and you've told him this. Not wanting illegal drugs in your house is not sanctimonious at all.

He's not meeting your very reasonable requests.

You don't have to change anything. Your dh does. He has to muster the energy and strength. Not you. You are doing a super job with your children. It's not up to you to deal with what your dh should do.

It sounds like you do a lot of stuff without him already. . Do you give him a chance to drop the weed and perhaps he'll show more interest in family life or have you had enough now?

You seem very strong and capable. Sit tight and let your dh demonstrate what he wants and can do. Wait and see for a few days... ... ... .. and then make your big decisions.

You sound amazingly strong and capable.

Thank you all.
I am not even engaging with him atm, he tried the shouting down earlier on today and I just took myself and the children away and did'nt listen.
I know what I am asking is not unreasonable but I honestly don't think he wants to give it up :(
I have'nt cooked for him tonight and he never ever cooks a meal but has for himself tonight.
He knows how I feel about this, this has been going on for years, I can cope with it when he is not being abusive to me.
Thank you again, it has been useful just to write it all down, it's not right is it?

Anyone else with advice please

I am in a roughly approximate situation, in that I have a child with needs very similar to your eldest, from the sound of it.

I read your OP out to DP just now, and we are both of the opinion that the drug use is not the issue really. It might be the trigger for the latest row, but what seems bigger is his lack of support for you generally.

Of course you need your sleep during the day- I am often up eight+ times a night and I would go crazy if I couldn't catch up, but luckily my DP is very supportive and understanding.

I don't want to say 'Leave', because I know that sounds really big and scary, but you need to find some way of communicating with each other.

I get a carer's newsletter regularly and have a social worker. Through those kind of avenues, you might find some access to carer-specific counselling services?

Good luck- I feel for you, I know it can be hard.

What type of cannabis does he smoke? I have seen many people who are addicted to the 'skunk' variety have their personality changed by the drug. Personally I would give him an ultimatum about the drug use (if that is causing him to be an ass). Ignore any nastiness from him and be generally polite to him when he is nice to you. He needs to be treated like a child and grow up. You have enough on your plate without having to deal with another child. Tell him that you will ignore him untill he starts to respect you.

It doesn't sound like this man is going to change, he thinks that he matters and the rest of you (ie you and the DC) are just props he shares the house with. You've asked him to change and he hasn't, so really you need to get rid of him. Because if SS find out that there's cannibis in the house and being smoked there regularly, there will be trouble for all of you - why should you suffer for this man's selfishness.
You will be entitled to benefits etc and a chunk of his income. Check out the facts and then sit him down and say he either packs in the weed or he leaves the family home because you are not prepared to put up with it any more. IF he gets abusive, you will be able to call the police and have him removed.

You poor thing.

TBH hate doing remote diagnosis but think that his treatment of you and your family could be contributing to your depression and general feeling of unhappiness.

he doesn't seem to be supportive of you at all. Totally think you are reasonmable to ask him to stop smoking weed and also definitely to keep it away from the kids, the stupid arse.

BOF's post is excellent - hesitate to say 'leave the bastard' but i do think you may well be better on your own. You could cope - you are probably a lot stroinger than you believe yoursaelf to be.

Well I always think that in situations like this, it doesn't matter whether anyone thinks that the drug taking/storing in childrens toys (shock) is wrong, it's the fact that he is clearly making you miserable and is doing nothing to rectify that.

My sister's DH and his friends takes speed in her house, and she says it's never when the kids are there, but I always think, what if some fell on the floor/down the side of the sofa and one of the children got hold of it (they are tiny)? It doesn't bear thinking about....

Anyway, I think it seems as if you need to imagine how things might be if he were to stop doing the weed - do you think he would be any different?

Maybe you know the answer to this already........

Hi Theycalleme...as i often say when starting posts, im a 46 year old bloke...been a lifelong pothead, to some degree. Every day smoker. Also take MDMA now and then.

Always held down professional jobs and so on, we have a pretty comfy life and all that kind of stuff, cars, TVs, nice house all that rubbish.

To me it sounds like you've got two things confused here.

One is the weed.

The other is the state of your relationship.

From what you say here he shouts at you and your young kids. He never cooks. He never does things with you and the kids. He quizzes you about what you have done in the day.

I mean forget the weed, I know a metric tonne of people who take drugs and are perfectly decent parents. It's more that your fella sounds like a prize nobhead, stoned or not.

Hiding your gear in kids toys? Er...like what the fck is that about? That's just odd.

Presumably though, Coolfonz, your DP/DW is ok with this?

OP, how long ago was it that your DH said he would stop? Weeks/months/years?

Sure, but if the OPs DH was a lovely hubby who did all the right things, then I would say chill out. Doesn't sound like he is...

I recently split from my XP. He is 36 and still smokes weed. Everyday. He says it doesnt affect him, yet he is completely inconsistent and was always 5-7 hours late. Emotionally abusive too, manipulative etc. Never lifted a finger to help with DS1, I'm now pregnant with DC2. Fortunately we dont live together, (his choice) and we never married. But I know what it must be like. Mood swings etc. My XP would often give me the silent treatment etc.

I split with him once already because of the weed plus everything else. He didnt change, said he would but no. So now thats it. No second chances.

Sad as it sounds, his primary relationship will always be with the drug. and as long as you stay you are helping him to continue. You are also letting your DC'S know its OK to smoke drugs and treat people that way. I know its hard. But you are on your own anyway. I have raised DS1 on my own so I know. Fortuately my DS is still very young so doesnt know alot but would hate to think me staying with his Dad would affect his future in a negative way, which it would.

p.s his behaviour and abusiveness is probably a bit factor in your depression. If you can find the strength to leave it does get better and so will you.

Yeah well, I still don't buy the weed turns you into a fucking tosser argument. They were already fucking tossers (see this forum for proof), they just happen to smoke weed. "5-7 hours late"? That's not late, that's tomorrow.

lol@ 'taht's tomorrrow'

i do think it depends on the person and how they react, cope and deal with life. then, how they individually react, cope and deal with being addicted to dope.

my ex dh was really crap on it, and it effectively turned him into the worst possible version of him.

Coolfonz, I sometimes wish you wouldn't spring to the weed's defence quite so quickly. It's a fact that most people with a major, long-term, habit/addiction are hiding important stuff from themselves. This is true of me, it's irrelevant whether you consider it true of you, and it evidently is true of this bloke. Using substances and/or crap behaviours to hide a problem only multiplies the problem. We all know that. It doesn't matter whether he abuses weed, porn, mcat, work or whatever: the issue is the same.

OP, perhaps I should tell you about a friend of mine, whose H stopped smoking skunk at the age of 50. He's a much improved character, more like the guy she married 25 years ago! Unfortunately, their kids are already fucked up. There's no way of giving them a stable, happy childhood now. Too late :(

yeah Coolfonz sometimes it was tomorrow, or 4days later to be honest.
I dont think you can seperate weed from them being tossers. I think like piratecat says it affects people differently. Maybe my XP would still have been emotionally abusive if he'd stopped, but I think if he'd managed to get over the thing that was keeping him smoking in the first place, (whatever he was avioding by smoking weed) then the 'reason' behing the abusiveness would have come to the surface too. just my opinion though. I do think anyone who smokes weed is probably emotionally unavailible because of the effect of the weed. Sorry.
However, if it really isnt affecting someone, then why are they smoking it?

Coolfonz sounds like the voice of reason here. His (OP's DH) behaviour is the issue, not necessarily the weed.

If I were you OP, I would address the behaviour issues with him and see what he says rather than focussing on the smoking.

If my DH stayed in bed until 1pm after a night out, didn't like me napping to catch up on sleep and never cooked I would tell him he was being an arse.

If the smoking is an issue for you, it's a separate issue.

I would add that while behaviour can be separated
from weed use, often the two can go hand in hand. Skunk messes with peoples brains.