Dh, cannabis and our family

[theycallme]

I have been with dh for seventeen years and when we first met both took recreational drugs.

I have'nt taken any drugs for a number of years now and despite dh saying for years he is going to stop smoking weed he has not. Ok a few feeble attempts here and there mainly when he can't get hold of anything!

We have two dc, our eldest has very severe autism and youngest nt. Dc1 is bloody hard work, mainly non verbal with severe behavioural problems associated with the autism.

I am a stay at home mum and dh works full time.

I have said to him on numerous occassions that I don't want drugs in the house and for a time he will respect that then reverts back to normal.

I suffer from severe depression am relatively stable but have been a bloody mess at times. Dc1 does'nt sleep well and my day usually starts between 4-5 am, I get up with because dh has to work which is fair enough but I need to get a couple of hours sleep in the day to function if I don't sleep my depression worsens, lately he quizzes me on what I have done in the day after the jobs etc and I am made to feel like a lazy cow for getting a kip.

Dh speaks to us all like shit sometimes dc2 does'ntlike being around him without me alot of the time because "Daddy just shouts all the time"

I never go out, am always here for the children and frequently diffuse the fucking horrible atmosphere he creates.

The final straw for me was this morning I found a childrens tea time set that I had bought some time ago and had put away until we needed it. Got it down from the unit and it had cannabis in the mug. When dh got up at 1pm, (he was out last night) I told him that was completely out of order. His response I am a sanctimonious cow.

He thinks that his behaviour and drug use is completely acceptable, ffs he is nearly 40.

I don't think I could cope on my own, I know that sounds pathtetic but it is true.

My children are safe, loved, fed and clean and although this contridicts what i've just said I feel like a single parent, this has always been the case he has never been interested in doing stuff with us and me and the dc go out alone the majority of the time, it's easier that way.

What the fuck do I do, this can't go on but I don't have the mental strength or energy to change anything.

btw have namechanged for this

I have been with DH for 19 years (since we were 18) and we too both used to take recreational drugs until I was about 25. I stopped completely and eventually DH dropped everything but cannabis. He has smoked variations on a theme every single day for as long as I have been with him - skunk, normal weed, hash, whatever.

He works very hard, runs a successful business, is a loving father to our two DC's and a considerate husband. He has always used cannabis to unwind as others use drink - smoking a joint in the garden after the DC's are asleep. However, as we have got older, he has started to drink more (never used to drink at all) and when he drinks he does become an argumentative and even unpleasant twat. I don't approve of using anything on a daily basis the way my DH does. I wish he would stop smoking (for health reasons and because it can be quite dull to be around someone who is stoned) but given the two, I'd choose cannabis over alcohol all day long.

So my point is this - different people react to different substances in different ways but we are all fundamentally the way we are regardless of what we drink/take/smoke. I don't believe that cannabis can be blamed (as I think some class A drugs and alcohol can be) for someone consistently behaving like a complete arsehole. I think the two issues are are separate but both need to be addressed.

Good luck

Hey Ladyintheradiator...I'm glad to be of any help

Folks I'm not advocating weed as anything distinctly positive (see health and boring points above by SlightlyJaded).

Just the OPs DH's behaviour sounds quite reminiscent of many threads here...all the shouty/what did you do today/moody crap.

Like, he's a dick of a man, weed or no weed.

But it's true you never know how it will hit folks, v true, specially younger guys imo...another thread...

Sorry have only just got the chance to return to this now.
Dh is adamant that I am overeacting and having previously given promises that he will stop smoking, he said tonight that he has no intention of doing so.
Thank you all for your very useful posts.In his case I do believe that his general attitude and behaviour go hand in hand with his usage of cannabis.
This is because on the occassions he is forced to go without he has more enegy is more tolerant and willing to be a part of the family.
I think the difference now is that I have different expectations to him now.
The messing around when we were younger and without dc with substances was fun and recreational now for him it is a way of life.
Coolfonz I found your posts really insightful, do you mind me asking if your pot smoking is ever an issue with your dw/p?
Thank you agsin to everyone who has taken the time to post.

Hi...missed this...is it ever an issue?

not really. i mean on occasions it can make me a bit deaf which annoys her a bit, and smoking in general did get to my health a few years back, i don't rinse the fuck out of it like i used to, but in general no.

i mean i can't quite see the link between his anger/shouting/lack of willing to be a family fella and the weed...

it can, and does, disrupt sleep, and if he gets up early then his anger might be partly tiredness. but at the end of it that doesnt make you do the things you say. neverthless i take your point...

if he is actually willing to choose smoking dope over his missus/kids then he's an idiot. it's not that good...