So confused

[blurr]

I'm so confused!

A very long story but i'll try and make it short. Married for 16 years , two DC 12 and 11.

Found out a couple years ago that my DH was having an affair with my best friend, who is also married. I did suspect something in the early days as they seemed over-friendly but my dh always denied anything but friendship. Anyway, I found out that they were having an affair. At first my dh and ow said that they ended it a long time time ago but a few months later I found out that actually it had been 3 years! I asked dh to leave but he begged forgiveness and said he loved me etc. I agreed to let him stay as long as he promised no contact and I felt I had to fight for my marriage.

One year later, I found he had been in contact with her again. Again I wanted him to leave but I just couldn't face breaking up the family and on top of it my parents fell seriously ill and I don't think they would have taken the news well. We agreed to go to counselling but it didn't really help. I don't think I entirely forgave him but
as OW had now moved abroad I felt I couldn't throw away the chance of making my marriage work, especially as she was now out of the picture.

But this year, she ended up at the same holiday as us and said it was a complete coincidence! I believe that my DH didn't know she would be there. Then this summer she had come back to the UK and yes I found out that they had been in contact and spent the weekend together. My dh said he needed closure and this was the only way he could do it.

I have asked him to move out but he is now accusing me of destroying the family, of breaking my DC's hearts, all of which i have thought about. He says he only loves me and that he just wanted to finish things with her. I don't know what to believe but definitely can't accept him spending a weekend away with her, although he claims there was no physical contact.

I know my husband has been unfaithful, he obviously loved this OW, who by the way is so intent on destroying my marriage that she called from overseas on the day I was leaving for my family holiday to inadvertently let me know that something was going on between her and my dh, of course blaming my dh.

I live a very comfortable life, my DC adore their father and my DH does treat me well, helps around the house, is social and we do generally get on very well. I know he has deceived me, lied to me and been unfaithful and I am devastated and hurt but I know that once I get back to the daily school run and duties, i'll probably push everything away and carry on as normal. I could do this to prevent the awful destruction a divorce can cause and no-one else would get hurt or do I continue to press ahead with divorce and destroy what appears a happy family, leaving financial implications too. Also, my father-in-law lives with us so he would have to move out too!

Both mine and DH's families would be devastated and it would be my fault. Don't know what to do, i'm so confused.

Sorry its long but needed to explain the situation.

Your DH is trying to guilt you for his behaviour

It is bullshit that he the holiday was a co-incidence. And as for a weekend away with her - word fail me
You andthechildren deserve much,much better this this

Let your DH be the onto tellyourfamilieswhy - you don't need to be the bad guy as you are the victim of his adultery and lying

No, it wouldn't be your fault, but your husband's.

After the long affair and all the pain he has caused you he decided to spend a weekend with her? And he's accusing you of destroying the family? He's taking you for a ride.

It's up to you, really. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who, quite clearly, doesn't love you and certainly has no respect for you or your children?

I'm really on your behalf.

your fault???

for him cheating on over and over again

I found that being truthful with adult members of family is the only way forward

how can you trust him yet again

he confused you
and you went along giving him so many chances

'he claims there was no physical contact' yeah, right.

Will you be allright money-wise if you divorce? Not that if you weren't that would be a reason to stay with the laying twat, but it would be one obstacle out of the way iyswim.

As ruby said, let him explain to the family why you asked him to leave (if you do).

In what way is it your fault?!

Your DH has really done a number on you if you feel this to be the case!

If he stays, you won't be able to keep pushing it aside, and you will feel increasingly resentful towards him. And it's not good for your children either. They need to grow up knowing that their parents love each other.

So what if his FIL has to leave as well - that's your DH's fault. If he can't be faithful to his wife, then he has to take the total consequences of his behaviour.

'destruction of what appears to be a happy family'

But yours isn't a happy family, is it? And the kids will most likely (they probably do already) feel that their parents are not happy.

Don't be a martyr, please, in a misguided attempt to protect your children.

And FIL, well, tough for him, he can't be a reason why you should stay with someone who doesn't give a shit about you.

"He says he only loves me and that he just wanted to finish things with her."

And that took an entire weekend? And he respected and trusted you so much that he didn't discuss it with you before hand? The man's taking the piss.

He's not serious about being your husband.

I think one of the many reasons why you don't want to call time on this is because you don't want to see the OW "winning". It also sounds to me as though her H doesn't know about all this, assuming she is still married.

What you are telling us is that your H has lied and lied and that for the past few years, you have had one shock after another. That these two have blighted your life to such an extent that you can't see which way is up.

To add further insult to injury, your H is guilt-tripping you into thinking that choosing to live a life without shocks and lies is somehow a bad thing and will be your fault.

Please see what we can see here. He did have physical contact with her that weekend and he did know she would be holidaying in the same place. This is going to hurt, but I think these two are getting off on duping you and adding salt to the wounds. That is a horrible thought, but this is the man you are considering staying with.

It's not your FIL's fault that his son is like he is, so I would try to minimise the hurt and confusion for him, but take him and your family into your confidence and get some RL support from people who will strengthen your rseolve.

Once you get to a place where he cannot shock and hurt you anymore, the peace you feel will be extraordinary. You will wonder why on earth you gave him so many chances.

Please, no more.

I know you are all right. But I guess i must be scared of the consequences.

His sisters know but they don't think the weekend away is a good enough excuse to break my DC's hearts.

As for 'happy families', I am very good at disguising my true feelings and sometimes I think this is my problem. I am too forgiving because I just carry on as though everything is normal. It may be because he has hurt me over and over, in fact the last 5 years, that I feel numb to the new 'event'.

I do want to leave and I know he is using emotional blackmail. He has stopped talking normally (although I haven't been talking to him much) to me and is eating a lot less (which means people ask and comment on his weight loss). He wont eat if I don't and now he just hardly eats.

I am not letting him make me feel guilty and its not about the FIL. Just an awful place to be, I never imagined that my life wold turn out like this.

Whenwillifeelnormal - the ow's husband does know but he has never said or done anything. In fact Ow has always blamed my DH, OW's husband once told me (we all used to be very good friends but Ow has ordered her DH not to talk to me) that his wife (OW) felt betrayed by my DH!

OW has btw manipulated and lied about so many things, that I lost many close friends to her too.

I can imagine the numbness after 5 whole years of these shocks. His sisters are not thinking rationally either. If they would put up with this, more fool them, but I suspect they wouldn't from their own partners.

The not eating is controlling and manipulative, all designed to up the guilt trip. He is an adult and if he wants to make himself ill, then so be it. Try to be numb to that too.

Have you had any counselling on your own to process your feelings? Living a lie is a horrible habit to get into and after all this time, I suspect you don't know where the real you is, in all this mess.

Of course you fear the consequences, but try to project the future a little bit. If your H knows that he can get away with this again he will rationalise that nothing would cause you to leave him. That won't produce a commitment to fidelity in him, just the reverse. This relationship with OW will continue to blight you, but I suspect even if this fizzles out, there will be others.

He is not going to change by you staying with him, that's for sure. He has never seen any real consequences to his behaviour and has been taking you for a fool for years.

One of the things that keeps a marriage intact is mutual respect. The fact that he has lied to you over and over again demonstrates how little respect he has for you. He would respect you more in fact if you told him the game is up now and left him.

So you do two things. You find a way to communicate now with her H, who sounds like an idiot BTW and tell him what has been going on in recent times. Tell him that it's a matter for him what he does with that information, but you are letting him know so that he can make an informed decision.

Secondly, you let her and your H know that they are now welcome to eachother and that you are off to find a man who wouldn't touch her with a bargepole, or anyone like her. That you have enough self-worth and esteem to know that you don't want anything more to do with either of them.

The sooner you divorce the sooner you can move on to having a much happier life.

Off out now, but will be back later. So angry for you.

You sound like he has worn you down and you no longer have the strength to deal with this.

But you must know this is not your fault. He has caused this, by lying and cheating. He did not think about your DC, and he put his needs for "closure" bollocks before them and you.

You need to get angry with him. And use that anger to start thinking about your needs and emotional well being. Also, remember that your dc will learn from you actions and behaviour - what do you want to teach them?

Don't be afraid of the path before you. WWIFN and other wise mumsnetters helped me to build up the courage to leave my cheating husband earlier this year. It is the best thing I have ever done. I no longer worry about where he is, who he is with, if he is telling me the truth etc. It is freeing and I love being here alone with my DCs now and the stable home we have and I am finally at peace. Let my testimony be a testament that it is OK to leave a cheating H. I'm starting an open university course to change careers this month and looking forward to my future

The prospect of leaving a marraige can be scary. You can worry about what everyone else will think. It sounds as if you have spent a long time trying very hard to keep your family together and look after your children and do the right thing. However this situation means that your H has betrayed you and has taken advantage of your good nature for far too long. Relying on the fact you'd want to keep the family together. Gather your dignity around you and leave this man. Who cares what others think or your FIL needing to be rehomed. It will work out fine in the end. Start thinking about yourself for once my love and what you deserve.

I know it's much harder because of the children, but seriously, if you had to describe the kind of partner and relationship and father to your kids you would like to have in your life - is he any of those qualities? I know you want a stable father figure for your kids, but it is equally important that your children see their mother being treated with love and respect, both by a partner and by herself. Everything is clearer in retrospect. For when you give up the fear of losing him, you can calmly evaluate - is this what I want?

Thank you all for your support it is re-assuring to know that I am not mad.

I have told a couple of friends who understand my situation but I think they are too scared to tell me to leave him. Last time I told some friends, a few did tell me stay in the marriage because my DH chose to be with me and not her. OW would leave her husband and kids for my DH, if he did leave but he didn't want to leave. I think I stayed last time because she had left the country and felt that if I left it would be for nothing. She still lives abroad now.

Her DH is fully aware of what has been going on but I have no contact with him so don't really know what is happening and I don't care.

Have to keep logging of the PC when he is here so may not get on here too often.

I am really cross on your behalf, there is so much bullshit in that op on behalf of your husband, he is lying, lying, lying, lying.

It's entirely his fault that you feel the need to end the marriage, honestly I really hope you see his manipulation for what it is as hard as it is and tell him to get the fuck out

OP what he is doing is not OK, he is not committed to you and the family you have made together. If he can't see that shagging another woman while he should have been paying attention to you and enjoying time with his own children is wrong, he's obviously totally thick or absorbed in selfishness to the point where he can't see beyond his own dick.

Everything that has happened is his fault. You have a right to live free from deception and hurt, and your children have a right to live with a parent who is not constantly ground down by sadness and suspicion. How would you feel if he left and it was just you and the kids?

Not much to add to great advice except to highlight 2 things you refer to.

One is that you have a comfortable life and so may be very anxious about how you will manage financially and feel that it is worth putting up with a great deal in your marriage to keep what you have.It isnt.

Two is the assumption your dc will be heartbroken at the split but that simply isnt always the case.

I stayed for the security/easy life huge mistake in hindsight. I worried myself sick dc would be heartbroken they are absolutely fine, in fact happier because I am happier just like you will be.

It wont be an easy process but ultimately I fail to see how wont be happier

Just having a think whilst cooking my DCs dinner. When WWIFN said earlier that "I think one of the many reasons why you don't want to call time on this is because you don't want to see the OW "winning"" I did agree by the way.

It is hard to see your H go off with the OW whilst you continue to care for the children alone. However I still don't regret my decision to start the divorce process with my H and let him have the OW

Just wanted to state that. It hurts sometimes, yes. But I am happier without him. Truly. They deserve each other and no doubt when she gets bored of him she'll move onto someone else. Let him ruin his own life, not yours and the DCs too.

So he loved you enough to "choose you" over the OW last time but sadly not enough to refrain from having an affair and deceiving you for 3 years?

He says he has finished with her? He has said that before and yet he ends up spending a weekend with her?

However he tries to put the blame on you please do not feel like any of this is your fault- all the fall out from any split will be entirely on his head.

My mum finally left my dad due to ongoing affairs when I was 11 and I remember being glad he was gone and happier that my mum was happier. She told me when I was older that she would have left him sooner but was worried that I would be devastated. I actually feel guilty that she stayed with him for so long because of me. Children adapt so quickly and in the long run they will be better off with a mum and dad who are not making each other miserable.

Hope things work out for you blurr x

You say you lead a very comfortable life op, but its a sham isnt it. He doesnt treat you well at all, and id be surprised if your dcs havent picked up on it. Id also be concerned about what lessons you are teaching them about being married. And tell his sisters to button it, how dare they guilt you like this ?

Houses, cars , expensive holidays and a nice lifestyle cannot compensate for being in this horrible position. You will never get these years back . Get him out.

I've been in this exact position and am so sorry for you now.

What you perhaps don't realise is that if you do separate from him, the sense of relief will be absolutely enormous. You probably don't quite realise how tense and stressed you've been all these years. When you do leave, it's as though a huge weight has been lifted from you.

As far as the weekend is concerned, if he did want to talk to her to achieve closure, he could have done this on the phone or by meeting for a couple of hours. I can't believe that nothing happened that weekend, though I can see you would want to believe that.

You really do need to act now. Ignore anyone who says you're being unreasonable and breaking up the family. He has broken up your family and you should be furious with him now. Anger and action will get you through this - stop being passive and accepting whatever has been done to you. Stop it all now by telling him it's over. You really will feel better afterwards.