So confused

[blurr]

I'm so confused!

A very long story but i'll try and make it short. Married for 16 years , two DC 12 and 11.

Found out a couple years ago that my DH was having an affair with my best friend, who is also married. I did suspect something in the early days as they seemed over-friendly but my dh always denied anything but friendship. Anyway, I found out that they were having an affair. At first my dh and ow said that they ended it a long time time ago but a few months later I found out that actually it had been 3 years! I asked dh to leave but he begged forgiveness and said he loved me etc. I agreed to let him stay as long as he promised no contact and I felt I had to fight for my marriage.

One year later, I found he had been in contact with her again. Again I wanted him to leave but I just couldn't face breaking up the family and on top of it my parents fell seriously ill and I don't think they would have taken the news well. We agreed to go to counselling but it didn't really help. I don't think I entirely forgave him but
as OW had now moved abroad I felt I couldn't throw away the chance of making my marriage work, especially as she was now out of the picture.

But this year, she ended up at the same holiday as us and said it was a complete coincidence! I believe that my DH didn't know she would be there. Then this summer she had come back to the UK and yes I found out that they had been in contact and spent the weekend together. My dh said he needed closure and this was the only way he could do it.

I have asked him to move out but he is now accusing me of destroying the family, of breaking my DC's hearts, all of which i have thought about. He says he only loves me and that he just wanted to finish things with her. I don't know what to believe but definitely can't accept him spending a weekend away with her, although he claims there was no physical contact.

I know my husband has been unfaithful, he obviously loved this OW, who by the way is so intent on destroying my marriage that she called from overseas on the day I was leaving for my family holiday to inadvertently let me know that something was going on between her and my dh, of course blaming my dh.

I live a very comfortable life, my DC adore their father and my DH does treat me well, helps around the house, is social and we do generally get on very well. I know he has deceived me, lied to me and been unfaithful and I am devastated and hurt but I know that once I get back to the daily school run and duties, i'll probably push everything away and carry on as normal. I could do this to prevent the awful destruction a divorce can cause and no-one else would get hurt or do I continue to press ahead with divorce and destroy what appears a happy family, leaving financial implications too. Also, my father-in-law lives with us so he would have to move out too!

Both mine and DH's families would be devastated and it would be my fault. Don't know what to do, i'm so confused.

Sorry its long but needed to explain the situation.

Another thought OP. How likely is it that his sisters are guilt-tripping you because they don't want their Dad living with them?

I'm astonished at your friends' reactions too. They clearly see this as a competition that you have won - chose you over OW, indeed.

This makes your H a prize in a fight. He is not.

The prize is peace of mind, OP. Living with someone you cannot trust (and really, you should NOT trust him) must be a hell on earth. It must have been difficult enough trusting again the first time, but after all this?

If life is as comfortable as you say, I imagine that your H is thinking in pounds or dollars and how financially ruinous it would be if you divorced. I doubt very much he is thinking about the human cost, or he wouldn't have risked his marriage over and over again for this woman.

So become his worst nightmare and work out what hurts him most. I expect it will be financial.

I asked you to project the future. So imagine that your H sets up with OW and then realises that any DCs she has come too, along with his Dad perhaps if the sisters dig their heels in?

Whereas you get a good financial settlement, get a nice house with the proceeds and live with your DCs in peace. And in time if you so wish, you get to meet a good man who will think your H is a prize dick for treating you like this (and thanks his lucky stars that he did).

Everyone single one of is so far has said the same thing to you. Please see the truth in this. And again, I would suggest you get some counselling on your own to strengthen your resolve. I can virtually guarantee you that no counsellor would suggest that you stay in these circumstances.

Thank you all for your words of support.

My DC have no idea what is going on, DH does not treat me badly 'on the surface'. He acts very normal around everyone which makes this even harder.

I just can't believe he has done this, it is so out of character.

Sometimes I wished that he would just leave and go off with OW.

I know that the last 5 years has been a lie and I know that i can't wait for another year to go by with possibly more lies.

I don't know how and when he will leave though. He says he is sorting out finances and has been looking at properties but this could take ages. I do not want to say anything to DC until the time comes when he leaves.

I know the only path to happiness is if he leaves, I wish he would just go.

Why is he holding all the power on when he goes? He could delay delay delay to his hearts content for a long time yet.

Seek legal advice and see citizens advice (if you live in the UK) and find out your rights etc. Then once you're fully informed it's time to kick him into touch imo.

But blurr, he can't just hang around indefinitely surely? What if you threatened to leave with the DC until he clears out? can you stay with family etc? Have heard of some former couples living separate lives within the same house, is that an option for you? Say. drawing up a weekly timetable as you would for joint custody. He looks after them 3 evenings a week, you the other 4? It would leave you with time to study/go out/think.

Blurr, you have to rip the plaster off here.

Your DH knows he has done enough to be chucked out, it might just make him take you more seriously. Unless you pack his bags and tell him to get out of your house, he will never find a place to live, he will just carry on hanging around, fucking your life up.

Sooner or later the blinkers will fall from your eyes and you will start to really resent him for the lies and deception, and the contempt that you will feel then will poison the house.

Rip the plaster off, get him out of your house, get him to smell the coffee and start treating you with some respect. He is playing you like a violin at the moment.

You won't feel happy, free and at peace until you get him out of your house, please just boot him out.

huge hugs and lots of love

Blurr , what does he mean hes sorting out finances ? Why is he doing this as opposed to both of you together ?

I cannot stress this enough, get legal advice, quickly. My ex hid our savings , withdrew tens of thousands on his credit cards and maxed them out , applied for several large loans ect.

Not my problem i thought, not in my name , but debt is classed as marital debt in a divorce , and when you own a property it can get serious. Dont think him beyond doing this , i wouldve bet my life he wasnt capable but he was.

I think you need to tell people and bring this ridiculous situation into the open, theres been no consequences for him up to now, hes been able to see ow and still play happy familys.

On the surface is no good, you do not have a husband and the dcs dont really have their dad because he wants to be somewhere else. Hes acting , you know that , put a stop to it, you all deserve better and remember this is HIS choice, not yours.

Please get some legal advice asap for yours and the dcs sake.

Photocopy all bank statements etc. And keep copies with a friend/family you can trust. Go and see a solicitor ASAP.

You H seems to be staying because you provide: laundry, cooking, care for his father, care for his kids, and somewhere calm and safe to come home to.

Get rid of him, do not trust him. He has continually lied over OW, he will lie about other things.

My parents split when I was 2, it affected me, but far far less than if they had stayed together. Divorce is devastating because it usually happens because at least one person is lying, being deceitful, being manipultive, violent etc. Growing up with divorced parents is better than growing up surrounded by lies and manipulation.

His sisters are thinking about themselves and him, not you.

Good luck.

This man (and his family) have decided that you are a servant and your feelings don't matter. Please don't let them mistreat you any longer: get a good solicitor (the last thing you should do when separating from a partner who is dumping you for someone else is allow that partner to 'sort it all out amicabl' as the partner is intending to screw you yet another way).