intend to go on the pill while DP wants another baby

[TrippleBerryFairy]

We have a DS who's 1. Basically, DP wants to have another one soon while I am not so keen however.
I feel a lot of anger towards DP as he is a selfish lazy git. It's easy for him to fantasize about having another baby when he hasn't been that great helping me with the 1st one and thus thinks that I will do all the hard work myself again. I don't think so. He has never ever cleaned the house ONCE in all the time I was pregnant and caring for number 1 after he was born. It was me cleaning etc even when I was heavily pregnant and then as soon as I came back from hospital. I spent a week there after the birth of DS and was so waiting to go home and was sure DP would tidy it up for my and baby's return... Such a thought did not cross his mind and I was so dissappointed to see he didn't bother making home more welcoming for us .

He never ever offered to take over the care of DS when he was little so I can have a nap or rest. In all fairness he did but that's when I would have a meltdown, get angry or cry. Never voluntarily out of compassion or want to help me.

DS is 1 now and DP loves him to bits. I went back to work full time when DS was 8 months. And I work crazy compressed hours (7-5 plus 1.5 hrs commuting to and back from work so have to get up at 5am) so that I can squeeze my full time into 4 days and look after DS myself 1 day a week. My day is as follows: getting up at 5am, getting back home around 6.30, then we both pick up DS, once home I drop my bag and bath DS, put him to sleep. By then it would be near 7.30. Quite often I would manage to load the washing machine or bring in the laundry from outside and sort it if needed. My DP would relax in front of his computer in the meantime or sometimes cook the dinner (but he would normally leave thedishes for me to wash).

You would think I get some rest at the weekend. Right... I usually look after DS all weekend unless we all go someplace like park, store or DP parents. If not then I am busy with DS while DP spends his day napping on the sofa, browsing the internet, watching telly. If I mention I want him to look after DS he starts going on about him needing to do his accounts and this and that - anything to avoid it. If I ask him to e.g. load the washing machine or wash up he always says 'ok, in a minute' but then it never gets done unless I nag and nag him. I am sick of it. And him.

If he actually does something around the house then he starts acting like a primadonna. And I just want to scream - you piece of s*, I've been doing everything without acting like that all the time!!!

Spoken to him about this many many times, last time 2 days ago where I mentioned not wanting 2nd baby because of the way he is. He sat there looking all guilty. Agreed that we will alternate bathing DS so I can relax after work. Right... Yesterday of course he tried to avoid doing it by claiming his hands are dirty because he's been messing about with car's tires. WTF??? In the end he bathed him and started acting like a primadonna. Layed the table and as he was about to sit down I reached for salt and accidentally salt shaker fell on his foot. He howled like mad (I have put DS to bed 5 mins ago!) and then threw knife and fork on the floor in rage. We didn't speak after this and I moved out of bedroom.

As mentioned before I have so much anger towards him. We have good times too but this anger is just under the surface, it's all to do with his unwillingness to pull his weight. He works hard and earns good money and seems to think that because of that he's exempt from housework. He jokingly makes comments about me being stupid (don't think so, I have a pretty well paid job and masters so no, I don't think I'm stupid), about my brain that's barely there etc. Sometimes I pretend I don't care but when I get upset he just goes 'oh come on, you're no fun, I am joking!'.

So no, in light of all I've written I don't think I want to have a baby with him. Hence I'm making the appointment with GP and I don't intend to tell him about it. We talked about it, he didn't take notice so to hell with him. It's my decision. He will be upset when he finds out but I don't care.

WWYD, tell him or not?

Not only would I not tell him, I think I'd leave him. He sounds foul :(

I'd tell him. It may shock him into being a bit more decent towards you when he realises you're serious.
At present, it sounds like he's not taking you seriously.

Also, don't let him belittle you. You are not stupid.

I'd leave him a letter saying you will not be having a baby with him in the near future and write exactly what you've written in your post. It explains very very clearly why you are right to be hesitant about having a baby with him.
If he doesn't buck up his ideas after that then he is not worth being with frankly

Agree. write a letter saying everything you've in your op. If he doesn't change, knowing how hurt and upset you are about his behaviour - he doesn't care! And you have a choice to make.

Tell him You will have another baby if HE is absolutely prepared to look after it as soon as it is born; it can be bottle fed. You are both working long hours. SHAREZIES. I do believe men can take paternity leave now. I went back to work six days after DC1 and three weeks after DC2 - I organised myself and childcare ( with self employment, you don't work, you don't earn ). Probably do him good looking after someone else

She has told him:

Spoken to him about this many many times, last time 2 days ago where I mentioned not wanting 2nd baby because of the way he is. He sat there looking all guilty

But I'd definitely also tell him that you're going on the Pill. And decide whether you never want to have another baby with him, or whether you would consider it if he, eg, pulled his weight for 6 months or something. And tell him that, as well.

This will ruin your relationship otherwise. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing, per se, but if you never want another child with him, he needs to understand that right now, so he can make his decision.

You need to be blunt. Say that you have no intention of having another baby with a lazy work shy selfish fucker. He doesn't look after the child you already have so why would he be interested in another one? I'm not sure why anyone would consider having another child with someone like that.

Do you love him? If he pulled his socks up with the housework and childcare would you be happy or do other things annoy you as well? Has his failure to be a father and husband pissed you off past the point of no return?

I'm not sure if his attitude can be changed. There's a difference between someone who needs to see that there is a load of work and childcare that needs to be done that they don't see, and someone who thinks that because they earn good money that such tasks are beneath them.

I don't think you should go on the pill behind his back. I think you should very clearly tell him that you are until he demonstrates that he can and will pull his weight. You can then see if he is willing to change, and be in control of deciding when the time is right, and he knows that he won't get DC2 without changing - may make him realise one way or the other how much he does want a happy family life with you.

He sounds like an arse. My DH works 5 long days to my 3 reasonable days in a much more demanding job than mine and still manages to do at least his fair share of housework and cooking and childcare, and now that i am 39 weeks pregnant shoulders way more than his fair share. Because that is what partners should do, and yours needs to realise that his attitude stinks, rather than being perfectly normal and acceptable.

I agree with everyone else. Tell him that you cant contemplate another baby without support from him.

I am thinking of laying everything out in writing as things get lost in an argument.

All I've written is of course my thruth, he would probaby say that he's been looking after DS quite a lot, that he is busy working and making money for us. His favourite phrase seems to be 'I have to get busy' at the moment meaning he has to get busy making more money not busy with helping me though.

I intend to tell him about the pill once I'm on it so it's done deal, I am sick of threatening him with this and that and third. It doesn't work so I will just do it and tell him afterwards.

He does sound pretty bad from my description, doesn't he...

moz When my DS was very tiny DP didn't help much. He works long hours with a long commute, but then at the weekends he would just sleep. Eventually I spoke to him about it. He said he needed his weekends as a break from work. I pointed out that because he spent the whole weekend sleeping, he was the only one to get a break. I asked when I would get one. After this conversation things changed a lot. he was just so exhausted from work he wasn't thinking about me. Once I'd pointed that out to him he improved his behaviour.

You've spoken to him about it many times and he hasn't changed. Sounds like going on the pill is the right thing to do. It's up to you whether or not you stay with this guy or not.

Magic Dragon I would over the moon if he pulled his socks up with the housework. That's the major major issue for me and if he could somehow sort himself out our relationship was great. He can be supportive and sweet but his lazyness erases all the good things. I do love him and I would want to have another baby if things were different.

Queen of Dreams, the thing is we both work hard and both commute so it's no like just him, poor soul is exhausted at the end of the week. So am I and I had that sort of conversation with him but he usually says he either has his accounts to do or has to get busy with generating ideas for work or else. I wouldn't mind if he actually did what he claims he has to do but not, he usually gets away from having to look after DS and does nothing in the end. It's infuriating.

LadyInTheRadiator, I am with him because he's DSs father and he can be sweet, cuddly and make me feel good. We haven't been together for that long (~ 2 years) so I cant just throw the relationship away without trying to fix it first.

mozarela I have every sympathy with you & agree you should go on the pill & frankly tell the lazy sod why.
I do resent however your statement that only those "working" long hours need a break as a Sahm to 2 small children with a DHAKA who works long hours I can assure you that I need a break just as much (if not more) than he does, luckily my Dh recognises this! I think as well as getting your xp sorted out you need to look at your attitude toward this as if you do have another dc & are at home with them both you will need to expect this respect for your role then too.

Hi mozarela,

re your comment:-

"I am with him because he's DSs father and he can be sweet, cuddly and make me feel good. We haven't been together for that long (~ 2 years) so I cant just throw the relationship away without trying to fix it first".

Your relationship has serious problems within it.

You called him a selfish and lazy git in your initial post. What sort of role model would he be to your son ultimately?. Would you want your son to learn the art of laziness from this man?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What are you both teaching your son about relationships here?.

What sort of relationship does this man's parents have; did his Mother run around constantly after her H and son when he lived at home?. It actually sounds like you're carrying on where his mother left off. He seems to have this attitude that because he works he does not have to do the housework at home (because that's womens work).

He sounds also like an immature manchild if he howled and threw his utensils on the floor after the salt shaker fell on his foot!. What kind of reaction is that to show anybody?.

Trying to fix a relationship has to be done equally by both parties and not just you. If he is not interested or bothered then you are flogging a dead horse here and will continue to do so.

Do you love each other Mozarela?

loonyrationalist I am sorry if I managed to give the impression that those working long hour do not include SAHM. This is absolutely not what I think, I was on maternity leave with 1 baby (only 1!) for 8 months and know very well it's a hard work! I can even say that working away from home is actually easier than staying at home! If we had number 2 I am likely to become SAHM as well and the prospect of becomming it having no support from DP makes me shudder.

Lady, he's not doing much to be honest. He has periods when he tries to be better but then reverses back to his usual eventually. I try and try but there's only so much arguments about it we can have. I know is status quo does not change I will have to do something. I do think about leaving him sometimes but I haven't been pushed that far yet.

Attile, all good questions I've been going through in my head for a while now... You are absolutely right about him behaving like a manchild - I find that behaviour disgusting. Grown up man throwing tantrums is not very attractive

Thanks for all your replies...

typos all over, sorry, typing from work...

Your H is being unacceptably lazy and selfish, BUT if you are unhappy with it you must tell him clearly, consistently and show him with your behaviour. I get the impression that you are simply angrily doing housework/childcare and resenting him with occasional flare ups of resentment and anger when it's too much.

You need to explain that between full time work, childcare and housework you don't get a second to breathe. You need to explain that it is no longer acceptable for you to continue with this punishing schedule.

I suggest that instead of telling him you are unhappy and waiting for him to do something, you simply institute a very clear and fair way of dividing up the work- alternate days when you are responsible for all housework/childcare. One day you are responsible for all housework and he all childcare related activities, next day vice versa, that way you at least get one day off from childcare in the weekend and the work is fairly split. Now here's the important bit, if he doesn't do what he's supposed to, you don't do it for him. It remains undone. He doesn't do laundry, the laundry is not done until he takes a turn. He doesn't bathe the baby, the baby doesn't go to bed, and when he is upset about the baby being up late, point out that he still hasn't bathed the baby, etc. Let him see the consequences and he'll see how little he actually does contribute. It will grate on you, but don't nag and bitch about it, just let him see what happens. No clean shirts? Oh, maybe you'll do the laundry then?

The thing is, if you are both working full time, he has no excuse not to equally share housework and childcare. Having a vagina does not make it easier to do all the housework and childcare as well as work full time, so if he moans about how hard it is to contribute half, point out to him you've been doing double his workload, perhaps he can now understand why you cannot contemplate another child.

Also, tell us more about this telling you you're stupid stuff please? Is this a common thing, does he put you down a lot?

OP i think you have a bigger issue here than just not wanting a baby.

you need to find out whether he is going to change. and i don't mean whether he says he will. of course he is going to say that but you need him to prove it and not for a week or a month. it is not just a matter of him doing more in the house. this is a whole attitude change we are talking about.

IME (and it is a good bit of experience) a man who doesn't see it necessary to tidy the house or do the cleaning when his partner has just given birth, will never see it necessary. i am sorry but from what you describe he just doesn't seem like the kind of man that will ever prioritise the family's needs over his own.

It's hard to leave things undone though. I know other mners have done things like only picking up their own things, only doing their own washing and ironing, and if the dishes ar left dirty and are in the way putting them in their dp's side of the bed. So if the clutter is too much, in his bed it goes. See him try to ignore it then!

Unless something radical changes this relationship will not last.

Let's face it, you need to change your relationship, from your pov if it changes you get less work, from his, if it changes he gets more. Where is his motivation? Respect for you? He's already showing that isn't high on his list. Giving you a break? Again it's not as though you haven't told him you're breaking under the pressure.

You've talked about this. He hasn't changed. You've told him how much it means to you. He hasn't changed.

Do you really think he's going to?

Really?

dizietsma, he makes these belittling jokes about me once in a while. I sometimes don't care but coupled with his lazyness they make me really cross recently. If I protest he them turns around and tells me he thinks I'm start and that he loves me and is joking. Or depending on his mood he complains I have lost my sense of humour (wtf).

This is to do with his self esteem, I am sure these little jokes makes him feel a bit better about himself but on my expense?.. I think I am going to loose my sense of humour completely very soon.

Crunch, if I was brutally honest then no, I really don't think he is going to change but hope dies last, isn't it? He really wants number 2 so I hope (again) that going on the pill will prompt him to do something about it. And just to add I am not trying to punish him this way, I genuinely think our relationship would deteriorate further if we had another baby.

So did your DPs/DHs tidy home for you to come back with the baby? Is mine really such a rare crappy specimen?...