intend to go on the pill while DP wants another baby

[TrippleBerryFairy]

We have a DS who's 1. Basically, DP wants to have another one soon while I am not so keen however.
I feel a lot of anger towards DP as he is a selfish lazy git. It's easy for him to fantasize about having another baby when he hasn't been that great helping me with the 1st one and thus thinks that I will do all the hard work myself again. I don't think so. He has never ever cleaned the house ONCE in all the time I was pregnant and caring for number 1 after he was born. It was me cleaning etc even when I was heavily pregnant and then as soon as I came back from hospital. I spent a week there after the birth of DS and was so waiting to go home and was sure DP would tidy it up for my and baby's return... Such a thought did not cross his mind and I was so dissappointed to see he didn't bother making home more welcoming for us .

He never ever offered to take over the care of DS when he was little so I can have a nap or rest. In all fairness he did but that's when I would have a meltdown, get angry or cry. Never voluntarily out of compassion or want to help me.

DS is 1 now and DP loves him to bits. I went back to work full time when DS was 8 months. And I work crazy compressed hours (7-5 plus 1.5 hrs commuting to and back from work so have to get up at 5am) so that I can squeeze my full time into 4 days and look after DS myself 1 day a week. My day is as follows: getting up at 5am, getting back home around 6.30, then we both pick up DS, once home I drop my bag and bath DS, put him to sleep. By then it would be near 7.30. Quite often I would manage to load the washing machine or bring in the laundry from outside and sort it if needed. My DP would relax in front of his computer in the meantime or sometimes cook the dinner (but he would normally leave thedishes for me to wash).

You would think I get some rest at the weekend. Right... I usually look after DS all weekend unless we all go someplace like park, store or DP parents. If not then I am busy with DS while DP spends his day napping on the sofa, browsing the internet, watching telly. If I mention I want him to look after DS he starts going on about him needing to do his accounts and this and that - anything to avoid it. If I ask him to e.g. load the washing machine or wash up he always says 'ok, in a minute' but then it never gets done unless I nag and nag him. I am sick of it. And him.

If he actually does something around the house then he starts acting like a primadonna. And I just want to scream - you piece of s*, I've been doing everything without acting like that all the time!!!

Spoken to him about this many many times, last time 2 days ago where I mentioned not wanting 2nd baby because of the way he is. He sat there looking all guilty. Agreed that we will alternate bathing DS so I can relax after work. Right... Yesterday of course he tried to avoid doing it by claiming his hands are dirty because he's been messing about with car's tires. WTF??? In the end he bathed him and started acting like a primadonna. Layed the table and as he was about to sit down I reached for salt and accidentally salt shaker fell on his foot. He howled like mad (I have put DS to bed 5 mins ago!) and then threw knife and fork on the floor in rage. We didn't speak after this and I moved out of bedroom.

As mentioned before I have so much anger towards him. We have good times too but this anger is just under the surface, it's all to do with his unwillingness to pull his weight. He works hard and earns good money and seems to think that because of that he's exempt from housework. He jokingly makes comments about me being stupid (don't think so, I have a pretty well paid job and masters so no, I don't think I'm stupid), about my brain that's barely there etc. Sometimes I pretend I don't care but when I get upset he just goes 'oh come on, you're no fun, I am joking!'.

So no, in light of all I've written I don't think I want to have a baby with him. Hence I'm making the appointment with GP and I don't intend to tell him about it. We talked about it, he didn't take notice so to hell with him. It's my decision. He will be upset when he finds out but I don't care.

WWYD, tell him or not?

Mozarela, I'd split up from h at the time but he was staying with me. And even he tidied the house after I gave birth. He did all the cooking and childcare too.

Yes, he is a crappy specimen. He is selfish and has let you and your baby down.

I know that hope. It is possible to change. People grow up and learn to take responsibility. But it doesn't always happen and it won't without him needing to.

Can I ask how old he is?

This is all wrong and of course you should not have another baby with this man while you think the way you do. You both work, you are both parents and you should both get down time.

I would tell him you are going back on the pill as you are not having another baby with him and that will not change until he does. And mean it and don't give in after a few days.

Crunch I think you will raise you eyebrows when I tell you he is 41! I'm about to turn 30.

That's what I was worried you'd say.

I think there are two types of selfish git; the ones who are too young to know better, and the ones who are stuck in their ways.

He's not going to change, my lovely. He's really not.

So now you need to make a decision, can you live with him as he is? Do you want more children at some point? Can you really see yourself doing all that you do with more dcs in tow?

Be honest and take some time. You haven't been together that long. Not really. You have a dc so obviously you will do your best to work on this, but is this a deal breaker?

Can you live like this for the next ten years? Twenty?

What do you want?

I am all for keeping families together, but this isn't a partnership, this is you ling everything and him doing what he wants. It is not ok.

My DH is somewhat similar, always puts his things (including his rest after work) first above family and DS1. And I am heavily pregnant with DS2! Maybe it is easier for me that when I ask politely, he does something and I try not to pay attention as to in what mood he does it (could be cleaning the house and moaning at the same time, but that is not my issue it is his). I have been working slowly to make him of more help to me. I even force myself to go out to see a friend (saying to him I have to go), so that DH has a chance to stay on his own with DS1 and learn to support and care. It is difficult sometimes, as he does not do things as heartedly as I do, he would bath DS in 5 mins and would put him to bed without bedtime story, he would put DS in front of TV so DS does not bother him, he wouldn?t clean the mess on the table after he?s eaten dinner with DS? I just think ?poor DS!? but nobody learns without making mistakes.

OP, if you want to stay sane give your DH responsibilities to cope with, don?t struggle on your own. Even if you do things quicker/more efficiently.

Despite of DH not being a great help, I have chosen to have another DC (will be 2.5y between DC) because this is what I want (although DH didn?t mind too), children come first to me and I would cope even if I am divorced. I am not planning my life around DH?s laziness, and to divorce and have another child with another man wasn?t an option for me. But that?s only me..

Toja has a couple of good points. Firstly about deciding what you will accept, and secondly by handing specific responsibilities to dp and accepting that he may do things differently from you.

It can be hard to actually give up things getting done 'right' for things getting done 'by him'.

He may well not change at all, but I get the feeling you really want to make this work, so do try. But be clear with both yourself and him, what you need to change, what you will tolerate and what you won't. Sit down, list tngs that need doing. Discuss with him what is fair and what is not. Get him to suggest things he can do to help, roles he can take on. And make sure he spends time with ds alone. With you out of the house!

"It can be hard to actually give up things getting done 'right' for things getting done 'by him'."

I think this is at the crux of all imbalance in share of work between couples. You gotta learn to let it go and let 'em do a half arsed job of it until they get up to speed. It's his house, and if he doesn't clean it properly he will also have to live in filth. Similarly, your son is also his son and he needs to learn how to care for him without you constantly being there, which means he'll screw up stuff sometimes.

I would definitely make a point of always pulling him up on the nasty comments, it's the seed of disrespect and not ever acceptable. You don't have to be nasty about it, just say "How would you feel if I said the same thing about you?", or "I feel like sometimes you have a dig at me to bolster your self-esteem, I would like you to find another way to feel better about yourself".

You dont have one child, you already have two, and one is a grown up.

By what you are saying, he wont change. How can he simply lie and snooze on a sofa all day while you care for your child?

Be honest (to yourself here) will your life be easier or worse if you did not share your life with this man? Being rid of such a partner sounds like bliss to me, to be honest. Imagine not having this frustration in your life!

You say that he says he must get busy. (ie earning more money) Is he not busy now? Is he not earning a lot? Who is the main breadwinner?

QS how can he just lie and snooze? Simples. He would just lie there and snooze no problem if I let him.
He was actually away for a week and I tell you, eventhough I love him I felt relieved and much calmer because I didn't have to pick after him. I felt free of that anger I have towards him.
He is busy QS but he's self employed hence the phrase. He is great at what he does and earns around 60% while my earnings constitute about 40% of the whole income. He does sometimes make it sound as if he's the sole breadwinner which is rubbish.

just a quick update to those who kindly responded... Talked to him again tonight. He did what he always does- just sat there quiet not saying anything. Got upset about the pill and tried to be all snuggly with me.

He now snores in our bedroom, me in a different room. He didn't really engage in a proper conversation as according to him I just wanted to have a dig at him Fine, at least I said all I wanted to say. I'm sad though as it was a one way conversation. What's the fucking point?...

So if he's 41 who has he been living with up until 39? If he was on his own, did he live in a tip with dirty clothes?

If you are both working full-time, can you afford a cleaner?

mozarela, i think you have your answer about how likely he is to ever change. you aren't happy at all are you? i think you need to decide if you are willing to tolerate the behaviour from this man because he isn't going to change.

It sounds like it was a bad idea to have one baby with him, never mind two.

I would suggest you start thinking seriously about separating.

You need some serious relationship counselling!!!

Go on the pill and get a cleaner - bill dp.

he treats you like a child. Hugs and kisses, no real answers, no commitment to anything. It is not good. There does not seem to be a lot of respect there.

I agree that if he is not going to help around the house, you need to find ways around this. You should have a cleaner once or twice a week. It should come out of his salary. You are going to be a nervous, stroppy overworked wreck, if nothing changes. Could you also try reducing your working hours so you dont compact a full week to four days?

Ask him outright what suggestions he has.
Tell him, at the moment, it seems like the easiest way for you to reduce stress and get less housework, is to become a single mum. What alternatives does he have?

Oh Moza, feel so sorry for you. You sound miserable and this useless lump of a man is just adding to your misery. I would bin him. You can do better.

QS I hate this no real answers thing. I'd rather have a proper argument where we both talk/shout than a monologue with him sitting there quietly.

I am confused as he can be affectonate with me, tells me he loves me a lot etc but then there are these belittling little jokes and inability (unwillingness?) to actually talk about problems in our relationship.

This morning he came into my room and accused me of threatening to take DS away last night although I haven't mentioned DS once in the whole monologue. What I said was that I'd rather have no man than a shitty one. It was actually him who said that 'DS will stay here' not me! So what's up with twisting the facts??..

Not much is happening this morning, he is now in front of tv after doing a bit of tidying up in the kitchen.
I wish he would say that he was listening to me last night and that he admits he's been crap and that he's sorry. And that he's going to do A,B,C and D to make things better. I then would have a promise he will do something. But no, he just tried to kiss me and said nothing, same treating me/behaving himself like a child crap.

mozarela

Would also second what QS says about a cleaner and trying to reduce your own working hours.

His crumbs of affection are just used to keep you hooked into this. He is plainly not bothered (would imagine that his Mum ran around after him as well whilst his Dad did nothing). Also very nasty of him as well to bring your DS into this in such a manner.

He is an emotionally stunted and immature manchild and will remain so, you cannot force change here.

Look, as far as this man is concerned you are a 'woman'. That is, some kind of multitasking household appliance he can fuck. Every now and again he has to do a little bit of something to 'reset your programme' ie make you a cup of tea or promise to pull his weight, but otherwise, he will tell himself, just tune out the whining between reboots.
It's almost impossible to get a man like this to understand that you are a person and that your needs, wishes and time are just as important as his - he thinks that as he's The Man then the household revolves around him.

am interested to know why he wants another baby when he has so little interaction with this child already here

is it a way to bind you further to him? make it harder for you to leave>

'well, you knew what i ws like when we had DS1, so it's tough now...'

Sorry for still going on about this (feeling like rubbish).

He's gone for a little job in the morning which was supposed to last an hour and is not back yet. I just want to cry. I feel stonewalled, I don't know where he is and what he's up to and he's left all the childcare for me again. Utter bastard. On the other hand the air is lighter in the house without him in it.

SGB, your description of that multitasking household appliance cheered me up a little bit. Tho is it true to the last word. I grin and bear and the at some point I start naging and whinging and then it blows into a 'situation' we have now, then he does a little reboot, promises things or makes an effort for a couple of days and the cycle starts again.

Lulumaam, he likes the idea of having lots of children not the actual hard work looking after them. He loves DS but after 10 mins of playing DS gets handed back to me or put in front of the telly. Funnily enough many people think he is a very hands-on father (mind you, I know a few men who do even less than him with their kids so he's not the worst one really). When we go to DPs parents he always carries him in, same if we go to some gatherings with DS. What they don't see is that behind the closed door I have to nag him to look after/bathe/change a nappy. Makes me feel like I'm mad really and question myself! Maybe I am the one with the problem here?!

He said that he actually 'looks after DS loads' - so who's mental here? How come we see reality so diferently? Maybe I am going mad I haven't actually been feeling very well mentally for a while now.

Well, for someone who had no familial relationship with or love for a child, that would be "loads". But for a parent...no.

Basically in his eyes DS is your responsibility, it's women's work looking after children. Considering he is A Man who is Too Important to be bothered with such trivialities as caring for his own offspring, he is being very generous to spend 10 minutes amusing DS or carrying him around. TBH it probably seems like a bloody cheek to him when you complain, shouldn't you be grateful for his "babysitting"?

He is a massive loser who is keeping you hanging on. It's amazing what we can be reduced to - putting up with this crap day in day out in the hopes that one day he will have the common decency to spend the day with his child, or make you breakfast in bed. It's frankly not going to happen, and IMO the only choice is whether you leave him now, or have another baby that he won't care for and then leave. :(

I don't think he will change but you could go to Relate with him and give it a last go.

Definitely don't have another baby with him at the moment but you're not Julie Walters from Educating Rita, you don't have to hide going on the pill. You are an adult and you can decide whether you want another baby.

You two haven't been together long, who's decision was it not to marry and to have a baby so soon into your relationship?