Emotional stress / hormones from women

[EngineeringMike]

Ok, I promise to God I'm not trolling here, I'm genuinely interested in a female perspective. There are a lot of discussions on emotional abuse by men and their behaviour, and I wanted to address something that me and a lot of my male friends have experienced.

Essentially, a lot of my friends and I have experienced with the DP/DW what I would describe as emotional stress. Our partners are lovely, except for irregular periods when they cry, scream, and are generally quite unreasonable, not necessarily at certain times of the months. My friends say we love our partners, but find this quite difficult to deal with.

How do we deal with it. We want to help, and we don't want to be put in the position of thinking "women are just crazy". Have we just made bad choices in partners, or can we help?

Have you extended your survey to include what the respective women think during these periods? Perhaps it is just hormones. Or possibly it is because you and your mates are behaving like twats during those times. Define what you consider to be "unreasonable". There are a multitude of reasons why women appear to be unreasonable to men. IMHE mostly it has to do with men's inability to see women as fully functioning human beings, but then maybe I'm just biased because I've known an inordinate number of idiots of the male variety (blame it on working in a male dominated environment)

When one of these eppisodes occurs, stop for a moment and think:

Have I been pulling my weight at home lately?
Have I been spending time on my own/with my mates leaving all the childcare to my partner?
When was the last time she had any child/me free time?
Do I do more than the absolute minimum of housework?
Do I do housework without having to be constantly reminded?
Do I pick up after myself?
Do I hear the children crying and deal with it myself rather than waiting for her to do it?
Do I do this without expecting to be praised?
Do I get to go out with my mates/go the the gym/go to the pub while she looks after the children?
Does she get the same amount of child free time as me?
Do I comment on her housekeeping abilities?
Do I leer at other women where she can see/hear me?
Do I treat her opinions with the seriousness I would a male friend?
Does she have the same access to money as I have?
Does she have money of her own that she can spend without consulting me? If so, is it the same amount as I have? Do I expect her to feed/clothe the children out of that money?
Do I make sexist comments in her hearing?
Do I compare other women's bodies to hers?

And perhaps most importantly
Have I actually asked her what is wrong and listened to her answer?

Have you tried talking to your partner about what kinds of things cause her to feel angry or upset? And genuinely listened to the answer?

Women aren't all that different to men - we get angry and/or upset about a range of different thing, same as men do. But more women will react in an "upset" way rather than an "angry" way, which is maybe why their reactions seem strange to you. Men more typically react by getting angry, or withdrawing into themselves and not wanting to talk abuot what the problem is.

You'd really be best to ask her what the problem is, as what bothers her may well be a different collection of stuff from what bothers me for example. Like I'm sure what gets to you isn't always the same as will wind up one of your friends.

But, as a general thing, I'd say when women are angry or upset they mostly want someone to listen, and to sympathise and validate their feelings, and to let them express those feelings. They mostly don't want to be told they shouldn't feel that way, or they're being silly or irrational.

Right well I have alot of kids who need something every 2 minutes from 6am to 10pm and mess up the house daily and never ever ever ever stop or listen as well as working full tine. Their father does not even register that anyone apart from himself has feelings so hes not looked after his kids and given their mum a break in a month or more and turns up when he feels like it for an hour or so to complain that the house is not perfectly clean. GRrrr

Anyhooooo rant over lol

That's why I get stressed

I agree with Slug's post.

Re the last sentence of AMIS's post. I find there's very little, if anything, more annoying than being told that I'm being silly or irrational. It's as if the person who says this is telling me I have no right to my feelings, dismissing them (and me) as of no importance.

Marking this. Two good replies above, I think, Mike. How do you guys react to the crying, screaming, etc? I'd imagine you each respond in a different way - it might be illuminating to see what happens next, in different cases.

IMO, such periods of time are often the result of a build up of stress which reaches breaking point, and so cant be attributed to one sole reason. But if women try to explain this, they are accused of saving up ammo for a fight, and harbouring resentments over long periods of time.

Also, dont try to resolve anything. Argh! Just a bit of empathy is all thats needed, unless you've actually done something 'wrong' yourself.

Yes, while she's upset/angry don't try to come up with ways to solve the problem if it's not your fault. She doesn't want you to leap in and take charge of the situation on her behalf, just be sympathetic about what has happened and how she feels about it.

If you think you have a suggestion for improving things (other than apologising and promising to change!), hold onto it for later when she's calm and might actually want to hear it.

And I'd also second the "build up" - I will get mad or tearful about some tiny thing because it comes on top of a lot of other unconnected stuff. It can take a while for me to work out what the real problem is, as I've been "coping" with it fine until the tiny little unconnected "last straw" tips the balance.

Quite agree AMum...
when I get upset, I want my DH to be sympathetic, not make suggestions! (Suggestions make it seem as if I hadn't the wit to think of them myself, duh!)

At the risk of sounding like an idiot, (I would say I'm a pretty decent guy), it seems as if some people are saying that in effect, it's largely the fault of men, and women have the right to behave like this. It seems like a bit of a double standard.

I appreciate that my DP (and I'm sure so many on here) have a lot of pressures from work, family, etc, but there seems to be an assumption it's ok to behave irrationally.

Quoting above "And perhaps most importantly
Have I actually asked her what is wrong and listened to her answer?", yes of course, and typically the answer will be that everything is getting on top of DP, and we'll try and make amends.

Perhaps because men are (generally) expected to keep a stiff upper lip about these things, it can be very difficult to understand

I dont think men are expected to jeep a stiff upper lip at all. But mens angst naturally manifests itself in a different way to womens. So, yes, of course women are 'allowed' to behave like this, just as men are. Its a basic human right to be upset and rant a bit!

And I dont think anyone is saying its the fault of the male, just trying to explain how a misunderstanding of behaviour on both sides might lead to wrong conclusions! In fact, I find it very conceited of dh to think I'm moody because of him, and very annoying when he assumes that and gets all defensive.

Well you say "yes of course" you've asked and listened, but it's maybe not as common as it should be! So we can't assume that a man who is struggling to understand has actually tried it.

"Everything getting on top of her" is a common problem, specially when a woman is the one who has to deal with all the bits and pieces of the house and children, and men don't always understand what that is like, if they haven't experienced it for themselves.

FWIW women equally can struggle to understand how men are feeling about their own stresses, when they keep it all bottled up and don't admit there's a problem, while snapping at things and sulking!

Ok, I would just say that this issue, whatever it is, seems to haunt my and many of my friends relationships.

On what grounds are you saying it's irrational? The fact that you don't understand the reasons for it doesn't make it irrational.

Well, you asked us how could you help?

Perhaps you should take your DP out to dinner (& arrange the babysitter)and then tell her you are keen that things don't get on top of her in the future and would like to play your part. Then listen and try to work with her suggestions. I would also say sometimes men have a tendancy (& I know I'm generalising) to jump in to 'solve problems' when actually the woman may know what she wants to do and just wants to bounce some ideas around and be heard.

In general though I think it's dangerous to lump all women or men together - people are individuals. Sure if I posted saying my DH was hormanal and bad tempered ergo how should women help men you would think it was a generalisation too far.

I suppose what I find irrational, is that the reaction usually seems disproportionate to the problem, or will typically make the problem worse.

Men's anger is often disproportionate and makes the situation worse. Would you agree that is equally irrational? Or does it seem "normal" to you that people should react in that way? But women are different.

Are men not irrational beings also -

trainspotting or monster trucks immediately spring to mind

anyway, men are just as affected by hormones as women. the testosterone cycle - reponsible for a lot of intermittant male sulking, moods and hand-wringing. the mid life crisis also.

i think if men stop thinking of women as individuals and not all the same, like a bunch of clones, that would be a big help for everyone. you can't 'understand wimmin' you can try and understand your daughter, your wife, your mum etc.

i cant punctuate or capitalise properly because i'm bfing.

''the answer will be that everything is getting on top of DP, and we'll try and make amends.

Perhaps because men are (generally) expected to keep a stiff upper lip about these things, it can be very difficult to understand''

just a few points and trying to be helpful

• most of the time I would say if the reaction seems disproportionate then there is more to it

• there is a lot of pressure on women to be 'perfect' and be all to all people, that can be too much as honestly I think becoming a parent messes more with women than it does with men, simply because we are adjusting to new found freedoms and acquired rights, while the reality struggles to catch up
• can be a bitch in terms of identity

-people express themselves differently and women like to talk through our problems, feelings, anxieties etc and not having these convos ending with a neatly wrapped 'solution', I do realise it is a manly way to address it but usually talking sorts it out, being given 'solutions' can only add to the annoyance and the 'unreasonable behaviour'

hope it helps

But Mike, as other people have explained, sometimes it's a reaction to a whole string of events that is triggered by a "last straw."

Sometimes it takes a major eruption to get the other party to realise there really is a serious problem that needs attention. It may have been ignored for months or years despite the dp raising it gently and "rationally" over and over.

I am supposing that you mean the "irrational" behaviour involves shouting, tears etc rather than just saying " Please take out the rubbish, it's been sitting there for three days" or whatever. But the shouting etc is also a means of letting off steam, not just a tactic to get the rubbish taken out, so it's still not "irrational."

Just because you find it 'disproportionate to the problem', doesn't mean that it is!

It will 'typically make the problem worse'. You mean, that it is brought to your attention, so that it cannot be ignored by you any more?

It's funny but when I was with my exH I often had episodes of fury. Since I left, I have had very few, if any at all.

Usually when people say that someone is being irrational, it means that they don't want to hear what is being said.

Do you think that these women who 'everything is getting on top of' should just shut up and put up then?

AMuminScotland

"Men's anger is often disproportionate and makes the situation worse. Would you agree that is equally irrational? Or does it seem "normal" to you that people should react in that way? But women are different."

No, of course not, but that's why I talk of a potential double standard. If men shout and sulk (I'm very much not a shouty type person), then the accusation of emotional abuse would be made.

I'm not defending the right for men to shout at their wives, but trying to understand the flip side.

i think if men stop thinking of women as individuals and not all the same

sorry i meant the opposite - think of women as individuals please.

i'm not going to post anymore....

"Do you think that these women who 'everything is getting on top of' should just shut up and put up then?"

No, of course not

OP. men have hormones aswell you know. men have "irregular periods when they cry, scream, and are generally quite unreasonable, not necessarily at certain times of the months". it is called being human. male or female we all act unreaonably at time. it is very clear you wish to blame your partner's behaviour on her hormones (what a cliche) when in fact she might just be a cow. or you might be a knob. or both. or neither. but you know what. whether her or your behaviour is caused by hormones or not is besides the point. when she is screaming, she is screaming because she has a problem. a problem taht is not going to be solved by rolling your eyes and saying "she is hormonal" the best way to solve it is to say this is unreasonable behaviour. i want to sort this out but i can only do it if you talk to me and tell me what the problem is. then you have to listen and work out a solution.