Husband suddenly uncertain about having baby

[CMrsC]

Hi Mums

I thought I was going to join you soon and become a mum but now i'm not so sure.

The background - I'm 34, me and H have been together nearly 8 years, married 3, and have had a blissfull relationship until a few months ago. For the first few years we talked openly about about not wanting children, but then it changed about 4 years ago, and on a holiday we both said that we'd been thinking of children and would like to have them.

We love each other deeply so decided to get married and start trying, after no luck we then put it off for a year because I got a new job (a child-friendly working from home job but I wanted to commit to it for a year then try again). We had been trying again since xmas, I had tests and I am fertile. H had been noticably depressed for the past few months and it came out this weekend that he has either changed his mind or only said he wanted children to please me (he's not sure).

He knows what he's potentially down to our relationship, he knows he's been selfish and it will cause alot of resentment. We talked about splitting up but niether of us want to and I don't think we'd be able to, I won't leave him just to be with someone else to have children I'll never love another man as much, he feels awful that each month that I was disappointed he was relieved

At the moment we're both just trying to come to terms with this wedge and see where we go from here, I don't think he fully appreciates the consequences my age has so I hope we can sort something out soon

I met an old woman who didn't have children. She said it was because her husband didn't want any, and some men are selfish that way. She was full of bitterness and regret.

You don't want to end up like her, whatever your decision. You need to talk to him about this, maybe go for counselling.

What a hard hard situation to find yourself in. Whatever decision you make is likely to lead to resentment from one of you. I imagine if you really want to have kids, to the point of trying to get pregnant, you will come to increasingly blame him for their absence in years to some. Relate might be a good idea.

Thanks for your advice, I'm really trying to convince myself that its not a big deal at the moment, but I know it is and it will haunt us. And the frustating thing is that there's nobody else involved, its just us. I suggested relate but i'm not sure he'll do it, its quite early in our dicussions at the moment, this only came out on Monday.

He wasn't going to say anything, and thought he could carry on pretending to want a baby and trying, but it ended up all coming out on monday. I had fertility blood tests because I was worried, but he did say that if i had asked him to have tests he would have had to say something then. I just met him for lunch and he said he's been thinking of nothing else in work so i know he's taking it seriously, I just hope we can work something out.

Does he say why he doesn't want DC? Is he the same age as you?

Sorry I'm also aghast that he's been lying to you for FOUR YEARS! Doesn't that make you worry about his trustworthiness in other areas?

He's just 3 years older than me, he says that although he's happy in our relationship, there are other aspects of his life that aren't right. I know he's been unhappy in his work for a long time and its difficult to find anything new and exciting in his field. He does suffer from anxiety and has been seeing a conseller for that. Even though we have a nice family friendly house on the edge of the countryside he's not sure about the area, to be honest some of the kids around here aren't great, but good parenting on our part should help, and I don't mind moving if it is a problem.
Even with his problems he would be a fantastic devoted dad, i've never doubted that (in a previous relationship I didn't want kids because deep down I knew he wouldn't be good). He's wonderful with if not a litle scared by my friends kids.

I have to say, give this guy a break. He hasn't been 'lying', he has been doing what everybody does, ie smoothing things over and hoping for the best.

OP says she didn't used to want kids but now she does - she has changed her mind, so her DH can also change his mind.

I don't have any advice really OP, but I would gently say that his desire to not have kids is just as valid and reasonable as your desire to have them.

It isn't about right and wrong, but about expectations, compromise etc.

IME, if a man gets to that age and he still doesn't want children, he might not ever want them.

I'd have a serious chat with him and get some counselling for you, and as a couple, to determine what is the best decision for you both.

I divorced my ex husband because, when push finally came to shove, he didn't want kids. He was just using excuses - work, housing, etc. because he knew the truth was going to mean the end of our marriage.

It did.

But I'm living proof you get over even that and go on to be very happy - am remarried now and have three children.

True about the lying, but i'm not sure that he thought he was lying, not until recently anyway, just trying to keep me happy and hoping his own feelings changed in the meantime without me knowing. He's never been very good about sharing his fears, he keeps things bottled up. He does feel terrible about it now and we've just got to sort it out.

Does he definitely not want children or is he scared of having them/ feeling the pressure of trying? One of those things is a potential deal breaker the others not so much.

I hope thats what he's working through in his head now. I'm going to give him a bit of time I think, a couple of days anyway, It was the ideal time of the month to be trying but we've lost this month now, so I hope he's works it through in time for next month and we both know where we stand.

Just a thought but could he actually be anxious about him possibly being the one with fertility problems and all that might entail, not just the medical procedures involved but also maybe him feeling (unjustifiably but understandably) guilty if there is a problem on his side? Saying he has changed his mind would be a way of avoiding all that?

Whilst I don't think you can or should impose your will on him in such a big decision, I think part of the discussion might be to consider what your lives will be like later on, to take to long view. It's easy to think that kids = babies, but it's also important to think about your lives later on, with and without older children and adult children.

And also to say, don't worry too much about time running out. Obviously it's a consideration, but many many people go on to have DC in their late 30s/early 40s (we did ).

Better to get to the bottom of this now, rather than when little person arrives and that can be stressful enough for both of you.

However, my DH had a change of heart and that same month I found out I was expecting DDD, he supported me throughout the pregnancy (as he rightly should) and now is a doting father and loves her to bits.

Has said no more though, which I think is poop.

Thanks sleepwhenidie, it is the type of thing i can see him worryng about with his anxiety, I'll try to bring the subject around to that aspect with him.

midnightexpress - thanks for the ticking clock reassurance, thats really good to know and I hope your happy. Our future without children has been discussed and he's also worried that we might end up with a fantastic house (which we could afford because of the money we saved not having children!) but lonely. And what happens to the person left living longer than the other, even more lonely.

Thanks Warbride, I agree. Maybe he'll change his mind. Men - honestly!

I am wondering if his inherent anxiety is playing a part here. More talking, and honesty on both sides here, is of paramount importance.

I am concerned though about this last comment of yours:-
"Maybe he'll change his mind. Men - honestly!"

I would not count on him changing his mind. Men who do not want children do tend to stick to that decision.

Well to be fair to the OP, he might change his mind. It doesn't sound like he is sure and if he truly knew his feelings, surely he wouldn't have kept quiet for 4 years.

I would disagree with that to an extent. In my experience there are men who don't want children who then have children and absolutely love it, love them. Then there are people who want children for ages and find the experience a little deflating and disappointing.

I think what I'd want to know is, is his feeling fear or revulsion? If it's fear I think that's completely allowable and just shows he's thinking about this lifelong commitment. If it's revulsion that's possible more of a problem.

That said, other people's children are almost universally ghastly until you get to know them well IME. Because one's own children are of course the Best In the World however badly behaved/violent/malodorous.

I think if you'd been able to conceive quickly this conversation wouldn't even have come up and he'd probably be being the brilliant dad you know he can be.

Unfortunately it hasn't worked as quickly as it might and all these Big Issues have to be faced. Good luck! I hope you sort it out to your mutual satisfaction.

I agree with above - I have never met any one that regrets their children, however I have many friends who are in their 30s who havent found some one, and friends that are older, that regret that they havent got children.

Do you think he's getting cold feet? Especially if he suffers from anxiety? Becoming a parent for the first time is very scary and for some reason seems to be more so for men than women. There is all the responsibility of been seen as the provider, fears about being a good dad, worries about it changing your relationship, worries about lifestyle change. Has he said why he doesn't want children.

I think that counselling would be good for him or both of you.

Maybe some reassurance from you that its normal to have worries, concerns, etc.

My DH didn't want kids, I got pregnant (unplanned), he wasn't over the moon at all. He loves DD and is so glad we had her.

I hope you find a way through this.

Lots of great advice here. So glad I posted. My plan is to keep communicating with him. Ask him about his anxiety and fears. I'll keep you up to date. Thanks girls

I was speaking to a psychologist recently who does a lot of counselling on this issue. My take was that it's a relationship-breaker because if one person wants children and the other doesn"t, what can you do? You can't have children a little bit can you... But the counsellor said that really isn't the case and quite often it's a matter of working out what they fear and guiding them through it. Couples counselling could really help. Good luck.

CMrsC - I hope he does change his mind. But in my experience that doesn't happen often.

My ExP did this to me. When we got together he knew I wanted kids and said that was "fine" with him. Turns out he just took this stance because he knew it was what was needed to be with me. Four years later he admitted that he didn't really want them. He wasn't scared, repulsed, worried or any of those things. He just didn't want life as he knew it to end, and nothing would convince him that kids would fit into our life.

I was in my late 30's when all this came out and he was in his early 40's. For us it was a deal breaker. I loved him madly, but I knew that I wasn't ever going to forgive him - or myself - if I stayed and remained childless, with all the ramifications that has for a lonely and selfish old age.

I'm now expecting my first at 40, and with a totally wonderful man who I'm so lucky to have met.

Moral of the story: Don't ever think you don't have options. Just be true to yourself first, and the rest will fall into place.

Good luck.