Husband suddenly uncertain about having baby

[CMrsC]

Hi Mums

I thought I was going to join you soon and become a mum but now i'm not so sure.

The background - I'm 34, me and H have been together nearly 8 years, married 3, and have had a blissfull relationship until a few months ago. For the first few years we talked openly about about not wanting children, but then it changed about 4 years ago, and on a holiday we both said that we'd been thinking of children and would like to have them.

We love each other deeply so decided to get married and start trying, after no luck we then put it off for a year because I got a new job (a child-friendly working from home job but I wanted to commit to it for a year then try again). We had been trying again since xmas, I had tests and I am fertile. H had been noticably depressed for the past few months and it came out this weekend that he has either changed his mind or only said he wanted children to please me (he's not sure).

He knows what he's potentially down to our relationship, he knows he's been selfish and it will cause alot of resentment. We talked about splitting up but niether of us want to and I don't think we'd be able to, I won't leave him just to be with someone else to have children I'll never love another man as much, he feels awful that each month that I was disappointed he was relieved

At the moment we're both just trying to come to terms with this wedge and see where we go from here, I don't think he fully appreciates the consequences my age has so I hope we can sort something out soon

Have I missed something? Is he fertile? If you have been trying for a while with no luck, and you have tested as ok / fertile, the next logical step is to see how his fertility is.

This happened to me and my dh - we found out that dh was infertile and we chose to use a sperm donor via the NHS, paid for the treatment ourselves. We have a wonderful dd now, and although it wasn't an easy decision to make, dh loves her and doesn't regret anything.

Infertility isn't the end of the road.

You have been trying quite a long time without conceiving - not to get all Eastenders on you - but might he have had a vasectomy without telling you? i just think it's odd that he said he would have had to tell you if you wanted him to go for tests.....

CMrsC - you might find this and this edition of woman's hour useful - they are about being childfree - I listened to the first one - the second one is a phone in.

On the first one they interviewed a lady who does telephone counselling with people to help them decide whether they want children.

I have one DS who is nearly 3. I had been marrried for 6 years when he was conceived and been with my DH for several years before that. We were both 30. My DH had always said "he didn't understand why people had DCs" but he knew that I thought I would want to one day. It caused some arguments/crying/angst as he was so worried about life changing.

In the end he agreed and we conceived straight away. It led to the most difficult patch of our marriage and my DH struggled to bond with DS and really only did so once DS was 9m old. Now he loves him with all his heart but he can still see the other path which might have been taken.

My DH agreed to 1 DC and does not want another. Our compromise has been 1. This does cause me difficulty from time to time as I get broody and have a heart/head thing going on.

I have decided that I love my DH more than the possiblility of another DC but I have my DS - I couldn't have made the decision to be childfree.

So that's why I was interested in the woman's hour prog. I am trying to make sure that I am not damaged by other peoples commments about only children.

I read this book before TTC and it was useful.

I think you want DC, CmrsC, look into your heart and if you do then don't deny this to yourself. Have you been looking at Mumsnet - birth sections/pregnancy etc - I used to lurk on parenting forums and when a close friend announced her pregnancy it was like a deep deep reaction in my throat/heart/stomach - I was shocked - I was jealous I knew then for certain that I wanted to have a baby.

I think that counselling for your DH with specifically re why he doesn't want DC is going to be the quickest way you can get work out what to do.

I found the links to the lady on that prog:
www.ticktockcoaching.co.uk/
www.childrenornot.blogspot.com/

On the other hand - if you decide to be child free that is a very valid choice. Women who are childfree by choice are subject to a lot of pressure from society. If you do take this path then there re a lot of resources on the internet for you to find likeminded individuals.

Good luck.

Because most people think that 'everyone' wants children and that those who don't have got something wrong with them, many people who are not keen on breeding tend to keep quiet about it and vaguely hope that one day they will suddenly start to want children. It only really starts being a problem when such people have a partner who is yearning for parenthood.
However, as others have said, both your desire to be a parent and his desire not to be are valid viewpoints, so the idea of sending him off to a counsellor to have him 'fixed' so he suddenly wants DC is not entirely ethical and may not work anyway.

I'm wondering if the whole fertility issue, especially if he feels that he is to blame (and you do say that you are OK - perhaps he's heard that and feels that it must be him?), is making him want to back off from confronting a painful situation. Perhaps he feels it is easier to say he never wanted children than to be told he is not a proper man (in his mind - not my opinion).

Sometimes neither partner has a problem - sometimes infertility affects a couple who could (perhaps) have children with other people.

Talk to him, take little tiny steps, encourage him to have his sperm tested to put both your minds at rest, see if there is any room for movement on his side.

I'm speaking from experience. It took over 2 years to fall pregnant with DC1. We both had fertility tests. Stupid bloody doctor's receptionist told us that DHs test had some issues the GP wanted to discuss. Cue 2 horrible weeks waiting for appt. with DH blaming himself horribly and saying terrible things. Turned out that we were both within normally fertile ranges and receptionst was plain wrong. (Having said that we did end up having IVF for DC2 - which was something we said we would never do while trying for DC1, but circumstances change I guess).

Is it "no children, ever" or a "not yet"?
If 'not yet' then is he aware of basic biology i.e you don't have another 15 years to dither over the decision if you're 34 now?

Worth asking him if he can see himself at age 65 or 75 without any kids or grandkids- if he is envisaging that future for himself you have the answer.

OP- I really feel for you. Whilst I think it's worth getting other viewpoints, ultimately only you can weigh up the balance between how much you value your relationship with your DH and how much you want a child.

For some people, having a child is a total non-negotiable, for others (like me) it's a bit "well it will be nice if we can have them, but if not, we'll just do other things." Only you know which one you are. Just don't try to convince yourself that you think a certain way just to maintain the status quo.

Also, I'd be wary of the "no-one ever regrets having children so just twist his arm- he'll come round when they're born" argument. This would be more accurately phrased as "No-one ever admits they regret having their children because that is on a level to admitting to being an axe murderer" Personally, I know 2/3 people who I deeply suspect have some regrets.

No easy answers- sorry.

not sure this will be welcome but I DO know someone who regretted having children, sadly. One of my oldest friends. . Blissfully happy ten year relationship and marriage. Neither wanted children then suddenly changed their minds at around 30. Had two lovely girls and still same level of lifestyle but the husband admitted when his 2 year affair with an older, childless woman came out, he'd gone along with it for my friend. He's now married his OW and has the girls under sufferance. So very sad but he won't be the only one . . .

'Also, I'd be wary of the "no-one ever regrets having children so just twist his arm- he'll come round when they're born" argument. This would be more accurately phrased as "No-one ever admits they regret having their children because that is on a level to admitting to being an axe murderer" Personally, I know 2/3 people who I deeply suspect have some regrets.'

I completely agree with this statement and with SGB's post.

Some people don't want children but don't want to admit it to a partner who does because they know that means some heavy times, and possibly the end, of a relationship.

But honesty is the best policy and he does have an obligation, out of courtesy adn respect for you, to be truthful about all this.

Like I said, for me it meant the end. We did have couples counselling, not to 'fix' things one way or another but to be able to come to a decision that was best for both of us, which for us was to divorce and move on.

We'd married young, back in the days when children is something like turning 40 - so far in the future to your young mind it seems like another life.

But after this we were able to be honest from the get go once a new relationship started to get serious: having kids is non-negotiable or, in his case, he had a vasectomy in his mid-30s despite never having had children so would let women he went out with that kids weren't on teh cards.

Nearly 10 years on, he's in his mid-40s and happily married to a woman who also never wanted children. I'm happily remarried and a mother of three.