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Original poster

I think I've worked it out!!! it's all about control!!

26 replies

DogDays · 01/09/2010 10:12

Ok I posted this morning about DP never wanting to kiss me.

I've just been sat thinking and suddenly it all makes sense.

It goes all the way back to when we were just dating. We'd be in bed, messing around but he'd always stop before it got to sex - leaving me highly frustrated next to him! I thought he was just nervous about "the first time" but this went on for quite a while, lots of foreplay but no sex. Someone suggested to me that he was just attempting to show me "who was boss" which I thought a little ridiculous -

But - now if I show no interest in him, he instigates it. If I instigate anything, he cold shoulders me.

Example, a few weeks ago I was really missing intimacy. I kept trying to hug him, kiss him, instigate sex - he was having none of it and almost made out that I was clingy. I really thought I'd done something wrong or he was having an affair. Getting sick of rejection I decided to keep my distance. Almost immediately, he started to instigate hugs, pulled me over to kiss, instigated sex .... I thought "great, we're back to normal" and then as soon as I went back to being warm with him, the cold shoulder returned and he wants nothing to do with me.

He's doing it on purpose isn't he? he wants the control? He's a very controlling person anyway and after a number of rows over him controlling me, he's stopped the obvious stuff (like telling me I can't go out etc) but started with this subtle cold shoulder routine. Using a little psychology, I'm wondering if he's doing this because he's realised it's one thing he CAN control??

Or am I talking shite? Grin

OP posts:
franklampoon · 01/09/2010 10:14

what a strange way for him to behave.
Have you spoken to him about it?

booyhoo · 01/09/2010 10:15

you need to get help for this, now you have realised it you need to either get help as a couple to change it or if he wont then you need to decide if you are going to tolerate it.

Original poster
DogDays · 01/09/2010 10:16

Yes, he denies he's doing it and says I'm being paranoid. When I asked why his sex drive has suddenly taken a dive (when he used to be like a hormonal 14 year old in the playboy mansion) he replied "I'm just stressed, with work and everything" he only works as a bleeding shop assistant, its highly life and death stuff.

OP posts:
ZinglebertBembledank · 01/09/2010 10:20

Yes it does sound like it's a control thing, particularly as you mention you've stopped him controlling you in other ways. This kind of controlling behaviour can escalate over time and become full on abusive. I agree this needs dealing with now.

franklampoon · 01/09/2010 10:41

how long have you been together?
Do you have children?

MrsReality · 01/09/2010 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DogDays · 01/09/2010 10:46

About 2 years. in the beginning he was really controlling and it was gradually getting worse. He wouldn't let me go out, demanded to see my phone, would make excuses to come with me if I went to the shop, would scream and shout at me if I didn't go to bed the same time as him etc but I put a stop to it all. I tolerated it for a while but after a year of that I just couldn't do it anymore and told him I would do what I wanted, when I wanted and I wouldn't listen to him barking instructions at me anymore.

He apologised and said it would stop, and it did - but then this started. It's like he doesn't give a shit about me anymore at all, he's gone completely the other way. He used to text me a couple of times a day from work and get arsey if I didn't reply, now I NEVER get texts from him at all. This started all of a sudden though, literally about 3 or 4 weeks ago.

We don't have chldren together but have children from previous marriages.

OP posts:
franklampoon · 01/09/2010 10:49

oh dear. I am sorry. This is very bad

Original poster
DogDays · 01/09/2010 10:51

Basically it comes down to the fact that he has CHANGED completely in the past few weeks. I mean, drastically. Everything has. Like I say, he used to follow me to shops and hated me going out without him. Last week he said he was going to shop, I was bored so offered to go with him for a ride out, he would normally have jumped at the opportunity but he just pulled a face and said "you can if you want".
Its like on a night time, if I wasn't sat with him on the sofa by 9pm, he'd go in a mood. Now he tries to busy himself anywhere BUT the sofa until he can escape to bed.

OP posts:
franklampoon · 01/09/2010 10:59

I don't know how you have managed to put up with either the old or the new version, really I don't .
What are his good points?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2010 11:01

DogDays

This relationship of yours is dysfunctional and is clearly not working.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What have you got out of this to date?.

Controlling men are often angry men as well.
My guess is he behaved exactly the same in his previous marriage. It is as you rightly state about control - and power too.
He wants both over you.

I would read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Dartsissolastseason · 01/09/2010 11:02

Is he having an affair?

Original poster
DogDays · 01/09/2010 11:03

When he's in a "Good mood" he's great. We have a laugh, he cooks, cleans - good in bed Grin (when it happens! Hmm ) he'll do more or less anything when he's in a good mood, will pick me up from anywhere, take me anywhere etc but everything literally changed around 3/4 weeks ago and everything is just so different all of a sudden. When he used to be so paranoid about me running off with someone else, it almost seems now as if he wishes I would.

OP posts:
Original poster
DogDays · 01/09/2010 11:08

He doesn't really seem the type to have an affair, I know that sounds naive but he's so clumsy, unsociable and has such low confidence, I can't imagine it! Saying that though, his ex wife told me he was on the verge of having an affair just before they broke up. He was going around to a woman's house every single day, took her to alton towers with the kids etc and he swore blind they were just friends! Hmm He still swears that nothing happened with this woman but who the hell would take another woman on days out etc if he wasn't interested?

Anyway, I have to admit a tiny ounce of suspicion in the last few days. The sudden change in personality raised a flag obviously but there is other stuff too. Like his phone is now on silent and he has started carrying it around with him. I have access to his phone logs and there is no dodgy calls/texts being made but I can only see phone numbers, not the actual messages.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2010 11:09

I am also thinking that someone else has caught his attention and he is bored with you.

How often is he really in a "good mood"?. I reckon too the bad times outweigh the good by a considerable margin as well. You need to take a cold and long hard look at this relationship of yours as it is not working.

As you have not answered what you are getting out of this relationship I presume it is very little/nothing. I have to ask also why you are still with this man now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2010 11:10

Going purely on his past behaviour the signs now are there again and are not good for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2010 11:12

DD

Why are you with someone like this in the first place, what attracted you to such a man?.

Did any inbuilt and unhealthy rescuer and or saviour instinct kick in at that time, did you think that you could save him?. If so this was a triumph of hope over experience. You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship, both approaches are doomed to failure.

Miggsie · 01/09/2010 11:16

Witholding sex is a classic control tool used by abusers and controlling people see here

MrsReality · 01/09/2010 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Supercherry · 01/09/2010 12:06

Dogdays, I must admit, the first thing I thought was affair. Maybe it's because you no longer allow him to control you so he has got bored and is moving onto his next victim?

msboogie · 01/09/2010 12:24

If his controlling attempts have failed he will have moved on to someone who he thinks might be more controllable.

I don't know what you think you mean by him not being the type - he was married before, had an affair, met you and now he is showing the signs of interest elsewhere.

Anyway if he has found someone else - good! Because you would be well rid and if you are willing to put up with this kind of crap you clearly haven't got the cop on to get rid of him yourself.

He'll be doing you a favour if he has selected a new victim.

TrappedinSuburbia · 01/09/2010 13:26

Im reckoning he's acting like that with his phone to try and make you suspicious.

Your taking control and he doesn't like it.

He's trying to make you insecure and clingy to him so he can be the superior big man.

squashimodo · 01/09/2010 13:52

The first thing I read this, is that it sounds like my marriage in the early days....don't do what I did. I made numerous excuses for my h, yes I am still with him and I know I should get out. I have 4 children with him, all young and three with autism. I have arthritis in my hands and a bad foot(caused by him). You do not want to end up like me, it will get worse not better. I am at the stage where I know I have to leave but my situation makes this extremely hard.
Read the Lundy book, best thing I have ever read. I wish I had read this years agoSad
The controlling you by with holding sex, using stress as an excuse, the lack of affection, making you seem clingy......all rings bells with me. When you suss that out, and he can't control you like that, he will move onto something else. I have problems dealing with my children alone, so I struggle to put structure into their lives and dealing with their particular problems on my own. And every time he can see that I have made things manageable at home and the kids are happy, he upsets the elder one by making promises and breaking them, or changing things suddenly....all things he can not cope with. Then the 7 year old goes into meltdown and lashes out, so then he is needed to physically move the 7 year old to a safe place. This is my h's latest tactic and I have Lundy to thank for that. I feel less confused and more in control. But my life is still chaotic and I am still walking on eggshells. I know I have to leave, but don't know how to find the strength, and the longer I leave it the harder it gets..

squashimodo · 01/09/2010 13:53

sorry about confusing garbled message, not having a goood day today, panic attacks galore.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 01/09/2010 16:12

blimey squashi - i'm so sorry life is so hard for you all (you and the kids I mean). have you got a support thread, if not you should start one.

OP - I agree it i about control. I had this with a man once - he wouldn't kiss or hug when I wanted to, or when it was "normal" e.g. when saying goodbye. But he would do things I hated like stucking his tongue into my mouth (not kissing, just kind of poking IYSWIM, shudder) at other times. It was all part of his bullshit and I was thoroughly delighted when I dumped him and realised that I never had to put up with this crap again. An affair would just be the icing on the cake really, he sounds like a loser (check link).