Ranting soon- to- be- ex husband

[SpiritualKnot]

Just wanting to vent...argh!!

In the middle of a divorce. Have 2 dc.
H went off with OW.Plan is for me to pay him off £20K and I stay in house which goes into my name, with the dc. He agreed to all this and am formalising it after the decree nisi which is due on September 2nd. Mortgage will go up to £121K, which I can manage with careful budgetting. I've always paid the mortgage and everything anyway.

Just had a great long weekend at parents house 200 miles away. Saw loads of friends and family, out in the evenings, non stop solcialising and chatting. Felt so relaxed and chilled. DC came with me and had a lovely time too.

Got back home an hour ago to be met by my soon to be ex, in our house, waiting to take daughter to see his parents. He starts ranting on how he's getting nothing,I get it all etc etc.

It was so awful to come back to this, that I sighed and said I didn't think I could stay there anymore.He jumped on this straight away, says he'll see the solicitor, force me to sell and he'd get 50% of the house and not have to pay me any child maintenance either. I know he can't force me to sell, coz of the kids, but if I have to give him more money, I wouldn't be able to afford to stay here, so would have to.

Why did I say it? I'm such an idiot.I started back tracking about it all. He doesn't realise that my parents are so elderly now, when I was up there I was thinking I'll have to move up there sometime to help, but my dd is about to start secondary school so wouldn't do it now as it's all sorted for her to start here. Ds is off to uni but this is still his home for weekends and holidays.

It was awful to come back to his rantings, like being married still. He thinks if I move I'll stay local, but that would not be the case. I'd be back up to my parents and friends area.

He's 9 years younger than me, has a good salary and can easily start again, buying a house with OW. I'd have problems starting again at 49yrs old? I earn more than him, but this will change as he progresses in his job, but he can't see this.

Sorry for the rant, just going crazy with worry now. Big concern that he's going to drag things out longer, I just want to get it over with, so I can get on with my life.

I'm doing the divorce through a solicitor, he says he can't afford one..but he obviously wants one now. I know he shpould see one, but would hate a big court battle about all this.

Argh!

Speak to your solicitor again about the house, as it stands, if he's paid nothing towards the mortgage he's entitled to nothing from any house sale/nothing to do with the house.

time to get tough! tell him you will stay where you are and give him not a penny until your youngest finishes uni unless he shuts up, takes his 20k and goes the f*ck away!

Unfortunately I think he is entitled to money if the house is sold even if he paid nothing towards the mortgage

get it sorted legally asap OP - if he knows there is 20k to hand he will probably accept it so he can buy a place with the OW and then they can rot in hell together!!

Regardless of what you said, they are just words ... he can't use them against you ... he's just being bitter. Carry on with the divorce in exactly the same way, speak to your solicitor to put your mind at ease.

SK - not sure if I've missed a follow-up on your other thread, have you spoken to the manager about that job nearer your family?

Maybe this is 'a sign'. See what your solicitor has to say, I think your offer is reasonable and he has no right to rant at you. If he can't be civilised during contact handover you should find someone else to do it.

Who said the conversation ever took place?

Just carry on doing what you were doing, speak to your solicitor and take their advice.

Msboogie, she might not have to give him money later on - depends on the terms of the agreement and whether they have a mesher (? corrct spelling) order.

Have you already discussed the pension sharing aspect with the solicitor?

I've read alot of family law cases where the partner who has paid nothing towards the mortgage recieves nothing regarding the house in a settlement.

Hi again

Just phoned him but he's driving. He'll ring later. Don't want him to be all angry when he gets there as he's just today found out his mum's got parkinsons, which is why he's going to see her. I need to speak with him as the settlement agreement, that he needs to sign, is scheduled to be posted tomorrow and I'm supposed to let him know that. May need to postpone that if it's going to make him mad.

Yes tribpot, thanks for reminding me! I spoke to the manager and he said to apply and then they'd keep my details on file if I was offered the post and turned it down because of what's going on...will do that later this week. Sounds a lovely post but would need a lot of dedication and not sure I'm up for that at the moment! I actually cover the specialism in their team that's not covered yet. That's always good coz you're not treading on toes.

I'll speak to my solicitor tomorrow, glad to see that people are on my side. I think my solicitor said that things start off 50:50 irrespective of who pays the mortgage, but then things are weighted towards the parent who has the dc. I am trying to be fair, but now coz my parents looked so frail, I'm feeling torn. Would like to stay here until dd finishes school, but if anything happens to one of my parents I'd feel I would probably have to leave here anyway.

so buy him out of the house then, once he has signed it over, you can sell it and move whenever and wherever you want.

I'm sure there was a case recently where a couple had split up years before and one of the partners had moved away and never paid a penny toward the mortgage or lived in the house and he got awarded half in a court case.

Try and get an agreement now, you can always move house afterwards. If he doesn't settle financially and you inherit anything from your parents in the future I'm not sure if that would have to be shared. Probably better to tie it all up now, especially as you are older and earn more.

Just spoken with him and he's calmer now. He has these awful work colleagues, mainly divorced, telling him I'm ripping him off. They contributed to the marriage break up....well, they didn't help matters.

Anyway, I let him know about the letter coming, so will wait and see if he signs it. He might well take it to a solicitor for the once over.

That's okay ofcourse, but he exaggerates my earnings and the value of the house, so any solicitor he speaks to will get a distorted view of the situation.

Thanks for that Sugarmouse and others too. Will make sure these things are added.

He says that when he left for OW he felt guilty and that's why he agreed to our arrangement.Says he no longer feels guilty so that's why he feels he should have more.

Such an arse.

But the financial settlement isn't based on the 'feeling guilty-ness' of one party in the divorce, his feelings are irrelevant. He can exaggerate your earnings to a solicitor but that will only waste his money on fees when the financial disclosure demonstrates your actual earnings, what a prick.

Good news about the job, definitely do apply!

He's just been on the phone again. Refuses to do this now and wants to go for 50:50 split of the house.

Then says he would go for the £20,000 pay off, clean break we've agreed, if he doesn't pay any child maintenance, which he has been paying, of £250 a month. Says he already stopped the standing order today.

We've 2 dc, 1 aged 11 years, other 18yrs and about to start uni. We had agreed that he would give £250 a month for youngest and I would fund our eldest through uni at £325 a month.

Won't be able to fund ds through college with as much as I'd hoped, but am tempted by this offer as I can't bear to drag things out longer. I could, in theory anyway,get a lodger in to help fund ds.

Why are some men like this? They're not all the same though. I look at my brother who left his wife after she'd cheated on him for the third time. He gave her the house, paid the mortgage and paid £1000 a month to her to fund his 2 dds through uni.He lived in a bedsit for years and worked like crazy.

8 years later, he's now remarried, has 3 or 4 holidays abroad a year, lovely house and wonderful wife and says he can't believe where he was 8 years ago and how much he has achieved.

I guess some men are just decent and some are just wankers.

Anyway, soon to be ex is writing to my solicitor so will see what happens.

Oh yeah. He's admitted that he'll probably move in with this OW as he'll be forced to do so coz I'm being so greedy and leaving him so poor and with no choice.

He earns just £32K a year, poor thing....oh, so does she, by the way.(Both in same job)

yeah i agree he can say what he like about your earnings but when your earnings are disclosed by whatever legal dept that does it, it will be there in black and white, if that was not the case then alot of women whos husbands left them would be able to claim huge amounts of child maintence from them based on made up figures, i am on the brink of divorcing my husband and read your post with interest, cant give any advice really just send you my best wishes, keep us updated.

He cheated on you not his kids so why does he feel he doesn't have to pay for them? Why doesn't he want too?

Been reading through Spiritual Knot.

He is a wanker.

You know, you can always agree to the 'clean break' suggestion (for which read, attempt to bully you into submission) then pass his details to CSA when all is signed, sealed and delivered.

He will be pissed off but so what. Why do you have to make all the concessions?

He will have to pay up - unless he is the type to leave his job just so he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

I know it's awful that you have to think about these things but bear in mind someone behaving like your XH is not likely to play fair.

The buy out on the house and any child maintenence payments are, according to the law, completly different issues. Don't let him combine them or you will be worse off. Also someone made a comment about potential inheritence and pensions. Pensions yes you will have to disclose this informationa if he gets a solicitor (if he doesn't he might not think of it!). Inheritence... no. No money you MAY get from parents can be included in any settlement until the parents die. After all they might decide not to leave you a penny!!

What % of the equity of the house is £20k? half? If it is then this is already a fair split. I managed to get my ex to agree to 2/3 of equity to me and 18% of his salary. He earns loads and I have started a new career so it was seen as a more fair way.

The best advice I had came from the husband of a friend. He is a family law barrister (lucky me!) and he said you needed to remember that if it ever came to court the judge would look to see if each party had been reasonable both in their behaviour and in the settlement. If they haven't then the court simply changes the financial settlement and imposes this on the couple!

Best of luck, I'll follow your posts with interest!

Thanks for the replies. Sorrento, I don't know why he doesn't WANT to pay anything for them. That was my first question when he told me he'd stopped the payment. His OW is a lot younger and I think he wants to be seen as the rich older man..sugar daddy? Yuck.

Janos, am giving that some thought about CSA, as I know it's separate from this. but he says if I give him £20K, then he'll be paying me that back with the child maintenance costs.

Over 40,
I can't find a calculator to work out the percentages.

The split is planned to be £65K to me and £20K to him. I will stay in the marital home and increase the mortgage by £20K to pay him off.

We have another house which we rent out, has equity of £10K, haven't included this in the above amounts. We're keeping that in joint names and selling in the future and dividng 50:50. I pay the mortgage on that and get a small rental profit each month, which goes into the kids savings account (though H doesn't believe this).

i there Spiritualknot, sorry to hear hes still being an arsehole.

Have you had financial disclosure yet ? If not i wouldnt even be discussing financial settlements at this stage. Would it be possible to pay him off when the house is sold at an agreed time, ie, when your dd reaches 18 ?

Id be a little cautious about increasing the mortgage personally , and what with interest it would cost you a lot more than 20 grand in the long run.

As for him cancelling the standing order , i wouldnt have him hold you ransom with it,contact the csa and do it officially , it makes no differance to you, you get it either way.

What does your soliciter advise ? Ps, get that key off him or change the locks, ( hes a cheeky fucker )

Make sure you get a cast iron legal agreement as it just doesn't sound right that you pay him £20,000 to keep the house and he pays nothing.

He is such a self righteous bully, just like in the marriage and he lies and then believes his lies.

We have done financial disclosure using an informal system, where we compare them and the solicitor see them, and checks we are both ok. Mine turned out, with careful budgeting, at around £5 a month in pocket, his was over £400 in the red....he really inflated his costs.

I've said to him that I'm staying in the house and that's the plan, however my parents are both elderly and I'll have to move if anything happens to one of them, so I can't promise to stay here till dd is 18, as I need that flexibilty. Also he doesn't want to wait that long. So a clean break suits us both.