Ranting soon- to- be- ex husband

[SpiritualKnot]

Just wanting to vent...argh!!

In the middle of a divorce. Have 2 dc.
H went off with OW.Plan is for me to pay him off £20K and I stay in house which goes into my name, with the dc. He agreed to all this and am formalising it after the decree nisi which is due on September 2nd. Mortgage will go up to £121K, which I can manage with careful budgetting. I've always paid the mortgage and everything anyway.

Just had a great long weekend at parents house 200 miles away. Saw loads of friends and family, out in the evenings, non stop solcialising and chatting. Felt so relaxed and chilled. DC came with me and had a lovely time too.

Got back home an hour ago to be met by my soon to be ex, in our house, waiting to take daughter to see his parents. He starts ranting on how he's getting nothing,I get it all etc etc.

It was so awful to come back to this, that I sighed and said I didn't think I could stay there anymore.He jumped on this straight away, says he'll see the solicitor, force me to sell and he'd get 50% of the house and not have to pay me any child maintenance either. I know he can't force me to sell, coz of the kids, but if I have to give him more money, I wouldn't be able to afford to stay here, so would have to.

Why did I say it? I'm such an idiot.I started back tracking about it all. He doesn't realise that my parents are so elderly now, when I was up there I was thinking I'll have to move up there sometime to help, but my dd is about to start secondary school so wouldn't do it now as it's all sorted for her to start here. Ds is off to uni but this is still his home for weekends and holidays.

It was awful to come back to his rantings, like being married still. He thinks if I move I'll stay local, but that would not be the case. I'd be back up to my parents and friends area.

He's 9 years younger than me, has a good salary and can easily start again, buying a house with OW. I'd have problems starting again at 49yrs old? I earn more than him, but this will change as he progresses in his job, but he can't see this.

Sorry for the rant, just going crazy with worry now. Big concern that he's going to drag things out longer, I just want to get it over with, so I can get on with my life.

I'm doing the divorce through a solicitor, he says he can't afford one..but he obviously wants one now. I know he shpould see one, but would hate a big court battle about all this.

Argh!

Was he expecting some sort of inheritance from his parents at some point? If he's just found out about his mother's illness he may be realising that any money from their side will probably need to go towards her care so he may suddenly be feeling poorer.

Also, he may be upset by his mother's diagnosis and this could be contributing to anger and erratic behaviour?

I don't think so Eurostar, but it made me think your saying it. I have to be careful as I am constantly making excuses like that for his behaviour and every single time I find out I'm wrong.

He has always held his mum in contempt, which I found very strange, especially when he always appeared to adore his sisters. He holds the same kind of contempt for me unfortunately.

His mum has a husband 13 years junior in good health and his sister lives near her, so he will not be concerning himself with these things.

I've spoken with my sister who agrees with some posters that I will have to go down the formal route to ensure he appeciates that he needs to pay child maintenance. I will speak to my solicitor tomorrow.

PS: He actually thinks if he goes down the formal route I might end up having to pay HIM maintainance...big girls blouse or what!!

Ok so he gets about 25% of equity. Sounds like a good deal for you to be honest. I don't like the sound of the arrangements on the other house though! YOU pay the mortgage (and I assume any repairs etc) he sits on his bum, contributes nothing and waits for it to appreciate in value! I appreciate it generates a small amount but to be honest I think you are the loser here. You are paying off the capital of which he will get half! If it only generates a bit make him pay half the mortgage and give him half the income. He could still stuff you over by taking out a loan on his half and defaulting on it. That will stuff your credit rating as well.
Sorry about the rant but I really believe in clean breaks!

Actually, the rental sounds quite complicated, if it's in profit after the maintenance and interest portion of the repayment mortgage there will be tax due and if your affairs are separate and his name is on as joint owner you'll need to be halving and declaring the profit each won't you?

Hi over40,

Thanks for posting back.

He phoned just as I read your posting. I mentioned the other house. I've suggested that we sell as soon as there's a profit to be made on it, currently any profit would be swallowed up by selling costs. He suggested all monies go to the kids. Doubt this will happen as he added that, well maybe we'd both appreciate something for ourselves.

The mortgage is a buy to let one, so is interest only at about £220 a month, the rent is £475, so it's making a profit. Ofcourse there's costs for insurance and repairs to come off that profit and it's a hassle as I am doing it all, got 3 repairs in the pipeline which I just learned about today.

He doesn't help, he says these problems were reported last week, message left on his mobile. The tenant said it was 2 weeks ago she reported them. She has my landline number but the ansaphone has been playing up so she couldn't leave me a message so she phoned the mobile number which was his. She has my mobile number now.

He is sitting there waiting for the profit. He said he pays towards the bills for the house and mentioned the most recent one of £180. He said he'd given me £100 cash towards it and I was absolutely aghast when he said this as he refused to pay and had told me to "shove it". His response was did I have proof he hadn't paid. I said how could I have proof when he didn't pay.

I think I'm dealing with an idiot here.

On second thoughts..maybe I'm the idiot for marrying such a jerk in the first place and then letting him carry on this way now.

On what hes just said , I think if it was me i wouldnt discuss these things with him anymore, id let the soliciter do it, after all, thats what there getting paid for. Hes just trying to wind you op SK , i wouldnt communicate with him anymore.

Is mediation an option if he continues to be an arsehole ? Im still amazed at how youve handled this.

Sorry if I'm going off the point on the BTL house but you say you want to wait until there's a profit to be made on it - well frankly given the current market you could be looking at a good few years, prices seem to be going down at the moment, not up, and in a few years hence once interest rate rises have happened that few K profit a year will be possibly wiped out - so you'll still be financially involved with him for some time to come for little reason. As joint 50% rental owners you will have to both declare 50% of the income on your tax returns and account for repairs, interest etc..and if you are doing all the work you should be able to charge some sort of management fee to him but what's the bets he will object to this causing you upset/annoyance? If you can get out of it now without making a loss surely better to do that than continue to have to have financial dealings with him?

Hi Dignfied,
Mediation may be an option, I'll ask the solicitor about this tomorrow, he's driving me nuts.

Hi Eurostar,
The tenant who's in there has about 4 months to go on her lease, so can't do anything until then. But I know it's a problem that needs sorting.

Neither of us wants to take it on singlehandedly, so ofcourse it ends up being in joint names and me doing everything. I feel I have to leave it as both ours in case I move away and then he'd have to do the necessary stuff. He'd flip if I tried to charge him a management fee in the meantime.

Looked at selling at the time and the solicitor suggest we keep it as it was making a profit and H and I seemed to be getting on well. My brother who buys and sells a lot of houses, said that despite us being ok at the time, we should sell it as it would only cause problems.

Really, H should have moved in there and had that house (it was empty at the time), but he refused to do that. Not near enough his girlfriend I think.

When my exH and I split up we rented out the family home for about 3 years. I had moved in with my mum in a completly different part of the country but still ended up sorting out the rental. When it came to selling the house the profit on the sale went to my solicitor who divided it according to the agreement. Soooooo..... as long as you keep a record of any costs you have spent on the house (actual recipts!) and your agreement says that you will be reimbursed for these costs before any % split (which is hard to argue against!) then you don't have to worry about getting him to pay you as you get the cash back from the equity!!
I was lucky my ex is/was a complete shit but he is also a lazy bastard who let me just get on with it. I was 100% fair with him on the house...... not on the savings accounts mind you...he he

I have all the receipts for work done.Did you also pay the insurance and get that back?
Did you get half the costs back?

I hink he'd possibly agree to that. He thinks he pays anyway (and doesn't), and might welcome the thought of more money in his pocket in the short term.

I've just realised that he mentioned I'd had some work done round the house and that he wondered where the money had come from. That's why he's stopped the child maintenance.

He's trying to ensure I can't afford to get work done so that the house will fall into disrepair. He knows I won't stop having to spend money on the kids, so Ill have to stop getting things fixed. So when I come to sell, the price will be lower and I won't make as much profit.

My ds had asked him to walk the dog whilst we were away for a night, so he'd let himself in...he looked at the receipts in a kitchen drawer, they were all in disarray when I got back.

I've had to tell my ds what's happened as it's going to affect how much I'm able to give him for uni.and I had to ask him not to tell H to come in when we're not there.

Am trying to protect the dc, didn't want to make ds aware, but he knew I was upset this afternoon. Don't know if it's always best to keep them in the dark when it's going to affect them directly? Ds is 18.

Hi SK, sorry to hear your H is still messing you around.

As to keeping the DC in the dark - it is a tricky one. On balance, I would probably level with them. I would definitely level with your DS, at 18 he is an adult and should be treated as such. And having leveled with him, to then keep it from your DD would need you and DS to collude, and that is a very large responsibility to lay on your DS's shoulders.

But how best to do it? Therein lies the difficulty. Could you get them involved in the budgeting in some way, get them used to the idea of water rates, gas bills etc? After all, when they are independent this is what they are going to have to do for themselves, it would stand them in good stead to approach independence all prepared.

I agree no more discussing anything at all with him. Absolutely no emailing or texting either. You need to end the informal communication and discussions and the reliance on your ex for things like walking the dog. He needs to be cut off completely.

Don't get all miffed about everything falling on your shoulders either. Would you prefer to have to deal constantly with him? Would you prefer to leave it all to him and end up cheated? Do it yourself if you want it done right and above board.

Sit your children down and tell them the truth.

Perhaps you need to tell your solicitor the (updated) truth as well, that you are in fact not getting on well! He/she can't fight your corner properly from a position of partial information.

Hi SK sorry to hear that things are deteriorating for you.

I think you need to move quickly and decisively to support/protect yourself and your DC.

I speak from experience here when I say please do not make excuses for him and expect him to behave decently, because he's shown that he won't.

Also, as others have suggested make sure all contact is through your solicitor. If he doesn't want to pay for one, TS.

As Math suggests, don't email or text because he will see it as another opportunity to bully/manipulate. Don't rely on him to do stuff for you like walking the dog - even if you have to pay someone else to do it. Basically, don't give him an 'in'.

I am sorry to say he sounds very much like my XP who has no conscience or morality when it comes to money (happy to lie, cheat, steal and grab whatever he can) and will use every trick in the book to 'destroy' you financially.

It is hard to understand how someone you loved and trusted can behave like this, I know.

What WAS you're Dad thinking of??!! Sorry but I wouldn't let him in the house EVER without you there. In fact I would get the locks changed.
Yes the costs for the house I kept reciepts for included the insurance....ALL the costs!! Remember there will be solicitor and estate agents fees etc when you sell as well.
He can decide to stop maintence for whatever reason he sees fit to make up...... it will make NO DIFFERENCE to the courts. They are his children adn he has to pay for them. I believe the CSA work it on 20% for 2 kids (15% for one). How you choose to spend any income you recieve is completly up to you and no business of anyone elses! You could spend it on fags and booze and a court would still say you should have it! I think this is about power play in that he thinks he can have a degree of control over you and force you to take him into account. Another VERY good reason to sell the BTL and cut the ties entirely (or as much as you can when you have kids!).
Then all there is is his monthly payments and that is that. He can't even link them to access. As my barrister friend said you could try stop all access and he would still have to pay and he could try to stop all money and you would still have to give him access. And..... if you stop living near them you can pretend they don't exist most of the time! Mine is 3 hours away! Yippee!!

It was ds that said he wanted him to walk the dog. I'd done such a good job of pretending to get on with H when dc are around that he din't see anything wrong with it. Anyway, he knows now.

H came round this evening, to see dd. He was full of himself and gave dd presents from Clares, (girlie present shop), she loves the stuff and he told me he'd spent £20 on her. He's so pleased with himself....I would've frittered that money away on food for her no doubt.

I think if the pay off was bigger he'd pay maintenance willingly, but then might change his mind in the future and cause more problems.

I'm not sure what to do, spoke with my boss today about it and said I may apply for a job nearer my original home, she was very supportive, suggested I apply and see how I feel if offered it. I applied this evening. The job pays less than I earn now, but is actually an excellent post and one I've considered previously in a similar area.

I need to get this divorce over with quickly. My parents are not too well and rather than move back to me near them when one dies, I'd rather be near them during their last years to help them.