Can someone please define an "EMOTIONAL AFFAIR"

[YouMightKnowMe]

Title says it all. Whilst you are getting in with your quick answers I will post some of my personal concerns then you can all diagnose with more info!

in reference to my post on just htat in the same area, I'm defining it as falling in love with someone and potentially spending a fair bit of time with that person, illicitly or not, but not sleeping with them.

I'd say it's the bit that matters - ie head and heart talking rather than just loins- the sleeping with them just induces lots of hormonal confusion all round.

Ok we areobviously talking about DP and OW

He furvently denies he is having an emotional affair - in his words "how can you have an emotional affair it is either an affair with sex or a friendship"

So he's a bit of what's happening

1. I tackle DP about OW saying I am threatened by their relationship 12m+ ago. Told it is nothing blah blah blah, but he recognises my concerns that there could come a point when a relationship is "inappropriate" without sex. Says that won't happen

1. 9m or so ago DP admits he loves this other woman. He wouild run away with her if he could but that's not going to happen.

1. Things steadily building up between them and the situation as it currently is is as follows:

a) over 150 texts per month. Very discrete with phone, or at least he thinks he is discrete with phone.
b) tarts himself up before he meets with her (our kids all play together). Shaves, aftershave etc.
c) In pub last night as part of a big group. He sends her a text from loos which someone else sees and is upset by. Aparently asking her to go and sit around corner for a chat cos he is bored of the bigger group
d) finds excuses to do school run with her, go to places she will be etc.
e) refuses to meet me for lunch (with kids). but will take her (and her DCs and our DCs) to pub for lunch
f) I suggest we go somewhere (e.g. school holiday day out) he is not interested. She suggests it and off they go as one big happy family while me and her DH are at work.

Don't worry - I have already told him it is over....but he is denying that there is such a thing as an "emotional affair" and won't accept that the relationship he is having with this woman is inappropriate.

Does her DH know about all of this ?

BTW of course it is an emotional affair, sometimes the biggest lies these men tell are to themselves

of course it is an emotional affair. Would he approve if you behaved like this with another man ? thought not! What does this womans' husband have to say about this ?? I'm very sorry you are having to go through this. Hope you are ok

Who is he trying to kid!! Of course its an affair and it appears to have contributed to your relationship breakdown. Have you ever spoken to her about your ex DP?

TY for making feel a littl eless stupid.

I haven't spoken to her DH (yet)...I was starting to doubt myself over the fact that it is just a friendship and I am seeing more than there is. I will be talking to him though.

No I haven't spoken to her about it. TBH until last night I was thinking that it was a one sided relationship but after the reaction to the text from the loos I am not so sure.

Whi saw it? and in what way were they 'upset'?

Is she reciprocating or is he delusional?

I'd be amazed if they haven't been physical :(

Basically. He sent OW a text whilst he was in the loo. I was sat with teh group and saw OW recieve a text (didn't know it was from him but had a good idea it was).

A friend of OW saw the text content over her shoulder and was obviously shocked and upset.
OW was obviously disturbed by the fact that a friend had seen it and was embaressed by the fact that she had been caught with such a text.

I am 99% sure it isn't physical for lots of reasons...

Have you seen any of their texts ?

No. They are carefully deleted promptly. He told me this morning the content of that particular text

Well he's either lying to just you, or both you and himself. You are right about there being such a thing as an emotional affair.

Well he is obviously cheating, a person with nothing to hide, hides nothing and likewise, if you won't do it with your spouse standing next to you then it is cheating.

Had this discussion with DH after his affair as to what defines cheating and how do you know if you have crossed a boundary. Even flirting with someone in front of your spouse is disrespectful and crossing a boundary IMO.

Thanks all.

I just needed to know that I wasn't just imagining a phenomenon because i wanted to.

He still seems to be ignoring the fact that I have told him it is over...but that is something else to face.

I found that the emotional side of ex-DH's affair was so much harder to deal with that the physical side. The emotional part of it felt like a bigger betrayal to me so I totally understand how you are feeling and how hard it is for you.

I know how you're feeling as well. My husband had a 'friendship' with another woman. Drinks, dinner, long talks, endless texts to each other ... and then I found his phone bill.

What I can't understand is why men think that this sort of behaviour is okay provided they don't have sex?

Even if you husband has not been having sex with this woman he has still cheated and betrayed you and your children. It is an emotional affair and that hurts more than had he just had sex with her.

That is cheating. How horrible for you.
WHat a shit, telling you he'd run away with her if he could? So it's just her saying no that is keeping your family together? Nice.
Can you cut contact with her famly? Does she know he'd like to take it further?

My H called it an "inappropriate friendship" till I corrected him with "sordid little affair".

Two answers; one in response to your general query and one in response to your specific circumstances:

An emotional affair is when:

• The OW knows more about your primary relationship than your partner knows about the relationship with the OW
• There is secrecy
• There is sexual chemistry

Usually, an emotional affair is merely a prelude to a combined affair (physical and emotional). Infidelity doesn't have to include physical contact.

As for your personal circumstances, of course this is an affair and is infidelity. I would be astonished if nothing physical had happened, but it doesn't matter.

And you don't need to prove that an affair has happened, either emotional or physical. If it makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable, that is enough.

I would however add that a solicitor is likely to agree with you that this is unreasonable behaviour, so if you were married, this would be grounds for divorce.

Don't mess around trying to get him to agree that he has done wrong - vote with your feet and how you feel about this is all that matters.

Don't doubt yourself, sack him off!

It is almost worse than a one off sexual fling much more hurtful and disloyal

Yes, it is an affair.

Affairs don't have to involve sex. There is often a desire for it. The line between friendship and an affair is quite fine but usually my line would be when the mutual feelings of the two people are discussed and acknowledged between them, or between you and your DH.

One person can secretly fancy another whom they suspect might fancy them back, but that isn't an affair - only when they are both cognescent of it and continue to act on it.

Your husband and this woman both are aware of their attraction and he is pulling up the floor under you, using her as the lever as it were - it's really disrespectful towards you.

Not on at all. I'm sorry you are having to cope with this.

I sympathise as this is what my H did to me in many ways. He did chose her over me in the end. Agree with WWIFN.

Thanks guys....I just LOVE mumsnet sometimes.

Do you know the worst thing for me....and almost the most defining in this relationship is the fact that I feel like a goosberry when we are al together. A gooseberry in my own relationship!

That is so sad I know there are those who say MN is too quick to say ditch him and I have agreed on occasion but this time he really deserves it