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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

secrtetive boyfriend

71 replies

cazzy11 · 28/08/2010 15:56

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 and a half months now and everything was going ok.We are living together now which is fine. The thing is that he is so secretive with his phone and his laptop.His phone goes everywhere with him and he wont leave it in a room with me in if he has to say go to toilet etc. His laptop is passworded and he hides what hes doing most of the time on it. I did manage to crack the password a couple of months ago and found he had been on dating sites and porn,also he had more than one facebook account. He dismissed the dating sites as him looking to see if i was on them.Why would i be on there when im happy with him?
The issue with the phone is that he is constantly texting from morning to say midnight sometimes longer to apparently his sister or his brother but im not too sure. He texts them a hell of alot more than me.
Does anyone find this weird or is it just me? And is it weird how I have never met his family at all when he has met all mine?
Sorry its so long just needed to get it off my chest as he wont talk about it just gets mad and sulks.

OP posts:
skidoodly · 28/08/2010 19:53

Where are you children?

Surely you didn't let a man you'd known for 6 months move into their home?

If he's an untrustworthy liar he shouldn't be around your children, never mind resident with them.

You need to get rid of him.

You've been incredibly foolish and foolhardy.

emmyloulou · 28/08/2010 20:29

Moving someone in within 6 months, especially if you already have kids and getting pregnant was asking for trouble but then I guess you know that.

It's no-where near long enough to figure someone out it should be the honeymoon period, he should be now just edging into your kids lives when you find he is worth it and slowly building a relationship with them, not living with him.

He is looking at porn, probably having phone/net sex and shagging people off dating sites. Carrying fuck knows what. But getting to come home to dinner on the table and a roof over his head.

He is not good enough for you and certainly not your kids, get rid now. Sorry to be blunt, but then in a way I am not, you need to realise what a plank he is for you all and get rid now before he really damages your mental health.

sorrento56 · 28/08/2010 20:31

He is not being open with you and you are not being straight with him. He might have cheated whereas you have gone behind his back.

sorrento56 · 28/08/2010 20:33

Oh dear. Pregnant as well Sad.

Morloth · 28/08/2010 21:06

Get rid.

PeppermintPasty · 28/08/2010 21:16

I hope you're ok Cazzy, it's been a little while since you last posted...like everyone else on here, there's a certain gut feeling you get when you know something's up. You know it, just as we do. Someone wise said earlier that you should be in the first flush of crazy lust and love at this time in your relationship, not having to put up with all this.

Act on your instincts, stay strong, and think of your children-they rely on you to keep them secure and safe and he sounds wrong wrong wrong...and look after yourself-this is no fun at any time, but esp. when pregnant.

Raejj · 28/08/2010 21:25

Eitherhe's working for the Security Services or he's hiding a bad secret from you. You already know this though otherwise you wouldn't be posting this, don't you?

Time for him to fess up or ditch IMO.

cazzy11 · 29/08/2010 00:46

im ok peppermint,sorry i went a bit quiet.i was on the pill when i met him but he told me he was infertile so i came off it very foolishly taking his word for it.
I know what i have to do now,my mind is made up as tonight he never bothered coming home after apparently a day of footie with his brother.thats the last straw as he said he was defo coming home tonight and i havent had text or call to tell me.have tried calling texting and no answer.i know they went out for a few beers after.im thinking he with some woman and i cant go on like this.he has totally ruined our weekend.it was supposed to be a weekend for just us as the kids with their dad this weekend. he promises me a day out tomo to make up for it and this is what i get.empty promises, a sleepless night and heartache.im getting rid i cant stand it anymore

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 29/08/2010 00:49

You must, must, must dump him what a total asshole he is, you will feel better about it a few months down the line honestly.

cazzy11 · 29/08/2010 00:52

yeah ur right emmy i intend to.i will get over it.its just hard

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 29/08/2010 01:06

I know but you will feel soooooo much better in the long run, even in a few weeks when you don't have all this what if hanging over you.

Eurostar · 29/08/2010 01:37

Cazzy how is it that you have let this man move in with you and your children when you hardly know him and have never met any of his family??? I really find it hard to believe that anyone could put their children at risk in this way, let alone themselves.

I'm thinking you must be very lonely and scared of being alone to put up with being taken for such a ride. Please start believing in yourself and get rid now.

This man is clearly a liar and concealing his life from you, I wouldn't be surprised if he has kids elsewhere and has told them he is working away.

Having unprotected sex with him was crazy behaviour for your sexual health - even if he wasn't lying about being infertile - to have unprotected sex with a man who is clearly messing around elsewhere shows such little regard for yourself.

What are you getting out of having this person in your life?

StudiousSal · 29/08/2010 06:03

Hi Cazzy how are you?

He probably was out with a woman, not his brother like he said, however your never going to know really like you said he has never introduced you.

If it's any consolation I think men (and I use that term very loosely!) like him and my ex, use women, they say all the right things we believe them because we are good people, and when they've got what they want, they're not happy and want bigger and better things, they don't care about women at all, just their own selfish needs.

Look at last night for you. You texted, phoned but he never bothered, no he wouldn't having too much fun where ever he was, but if the boot was on the other foot, and he couldn't contact you all hell would break loose.

You honestly don't need the stress, you need to put yourself first, and your kids, and get rid of him today, get his bags packed, call your brother for moral support and get rid of him, it will hurt, I'm not going to lie, but this won't last long, better a little bit of heartache now than a whole load when he brings something nasty home.

JaxTellersOldLady · 29/08/2010 06:48

have just finished reading this thread and if you havent already packed a bag, bolted the door and sent a txt saying its over, then you are more of a door mat than your partner is already taking you for.

Get rid of him. He is a liar, a cheat and sounds like a total twat.

good luck!

MadAboutQuavers · 29/08/2010 09:48

This thread has got very bossy and unsympathetic somehow Hmm

Giving the OP "labels" in an attempt to galvanize her into action isn't going to help her.

And as for asking her "how did you get herself into this situation?"... Why not just say "it's all your fault and you've brought it on yourself" and have done FFS? Angry.

JaxTellersOldLady · 29/08/2010 12:07

didnt mean to be unsympathetic, although reading my post back was a little harsh maybe.

LittleMissHissyFit · 29/08/2010 14:45

Cazzy, hindsight has 20/20 vision, so while it's all well and good for many to point out where errors were made, it really helps no-one to remedy the situation.

Now you know that he is NOT who you thought he was, he has treated you very poorly and has lied through his teeth.

He has now stayed out all night without so much as a text/phonecall etc. No excuse.

Seize on this latest straw that broke the camel's back and hang onto it with all your might. don't let go of it, and don't let him off the hook.

You think he's shite now? only 6m in? wait till the baby arrives and he knows he has you trapped!

Get his bag together dump it ideally round his brothers and text the twunt that his life will continue over there, but that he will never again darken your door.

Good luck love, be strong, you have to do this.

thesunshinesbrightly · 29/08/2010 19:50

You know what to do - you are putting yourslef through it,get rid of him and have done with it.

Tippychoocks · 29/08/2010 21:00

Agree with most, he is cheating. They all say that about the dating sites btw, or say that they registered to see if a mate was on it. Nope.
He's in your house I'm thinking? Get his stuff gone. Start sorting things out for you and your children. You'll manage, in fact it'll be easier without him.

Aminata100 · 29/08/2010 21:17

Oh, please get rid of this waste of space and energy and pick yourself and your kids up to have the best life you can have!!

As a single mum myself I would suggest some counselling as to why you set yourself up for these kinds of men to come into your life, when

Your kids should be your nr 1 priority!

What more proof do you need that he is cheating on you? (Please get tested, you are pregnant)!

sungirltan · 29/08/2010 22:21

hey cazzy! are you ok? we're all still here if you need a chat x

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