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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

secrtetive boyfriend

71 replies

cazzy11 · 28/08/2010 15:56

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 and a half months now and everything was going ok.We are living together now which is fine. The thing is that he is so secretive with his phone and his laptop.His phone goes everywhere with him and he wont leave it in a room with me in if he has to say go to toilet etc. His laptop is passworded and he hides what hes doing most of the time on it. I did manage to crack the password a couple of months ago and found he had been on dating sites and porn,also he had more than one facebook account. He dismissed the dating sites as him looking to see if i was on them.Why would i be on there when im happy with him?
The issue with the phone is that he is constantly texting from morning to say midnight sometimes longer to apparently his sister or his brother but im not too sure. He texts them a hell of alot more than me.
Does anyone find this weird or is it just me? And is it weird how I have never met his family at all when he has met all mine?
Sorry its so long just needed to get it off my chest as he wont talk about it just gets mad and sulks.

OP posts:
Original poster
cazzy11 · 28/08/2010 17:06

Sal i wish i had chucked him a couple of months ago when i went through his laptop but i was a fool i guess cos i love him and love makes you do funny things and love is blind.
I know time heals and soon enough i will prob look back and wonder what i saw in him

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Original poster
cazzy11 · 28/08/2010 17:08

thanks for that i know im not stupid but hes just so good at making it to be my fault if you know what i mean

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Original poster
cazzy11 · 28/08/2010 17:09

mrs r you are so right.the longer i leave it the worse it will be

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StudiousSal · 28/08/2010 17:10

I'm six months down the line from you, but believe me the heartache is worth it in the end, at least I don't have to wonder what he's up to all the while, that deep sickening feeling in my stomach waiting for him to come home from work, booking annual leave and not telling me etc etc, nope your doing the right thing, and don't listen to the crap from him when you do it,stick to your guns, he'll say some awful things, like I love you but I'm not in love with you, but it's only because you've caught him out and your not going to be used as a door mat any longer.

StudiousSal · 28/08/2010 17:13

Also Cazzy stay on here the MN's are fantastic, they really helped me stay on an even keel, I honestly don't know how I would have managed without them.

MadAboutQuavers · 28/08/2010 17:16

I've been through this too Cazzy, and it's shit Sad

If you stay with him your self esteem will be continually eroded, and you will be unhappy as a general state of being. Don't give yourself that life, it will bring you to your knees.

Be strong for your DC's.

QS · 28/08/2010 17:17

Well, the way I see it, it has only been six months, so not long at all.

You either get rid now and have a heartache for a few weeks.

Or you dont, and live with heartahce for the foreseable future, and inflict the problems on no less than 3 children. A very easy choice. Dump today.

You dont need a reason, you dont need proof.

You say "Peter, I dont think our realtionship is so good, I dont enjoy living with you, and I have fallen out of love with you, due to your odd behaviour with your phone and your laptop. I want you to move out of my home."

Original poster
cazzy11 · 28/08/2010 17:22

thanks all of you. so much good advice has been given to me and i am going to act on it,everyday i am wondering what hes up to and who he is with. its killing me inside and destroying me as a person.

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StudiousSal · 28/08/2010 17:26

Oh Cazzy, I know that feeling so well, but it does get better, we'll be here if you need us, be strong and do it.

booyhoo · 28/08/2010 17:28

cazzy, you will torture yourself trying to get concrete proof.

i know exactly what you are saying. you don't feel justified in dumping him without concrete proof because you know he will deny it all, and you know people will want to know why you ended it. you might feel silly saying, "i just didn't trust him" but it is reason enough, believe me. always trust your instinct. you know what he's at you just don't have names, dates and places to show him. you don't need them. you know he's cheating.

and as for the heartache, you are already going through teh heartache. end it now and you will no for sure that you are not in a relationship with a cheat.

Original poster
cazzy11 · 28/08/2010 17:28

its one of the worst feelings there is i think and thats what im afraid of.its nice to know im not alone though.

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Original poster
cazzy11 · 28/08/2010 17:30

boo im a great believer in trusting your instincts as they are usually right. part of me worries that if i have got it all wrong then i have ended it for nothing

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booyhoo · 28/08/2010 17:33

no you haven't ended it for nothing.

even if he isn't cheating, his behaviour is making you unhappy. cheating is not the only valid reason to end a relationship. unhappiness is just as good a reason.

bottom line-you are not happy in this relationship. if you end it and he remains adamant that he isn't cheating and is willing to alter his behaviour, got to couple counselling and talk about how he treats you (makes you feel like you are at fault for things that aren't) then you could try again but i really fel you will be making the right decision by ending this.

Original poster
cazzy11 · 28/08/2010 17:50

i know i have to end it.the night before last i went up to bed before him but i had a feeling he would go straight on laptop and do something. i saw from up the stairs he was on something which was a dating site im sure of it. i confronted him and he denied it so i said well show me then and he said no then he got mad.

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sungirltan · 28/08/2010 17:59

how terribly immature he is and bad at lying!

time for him to go! do you think he will make a fuss about leaving? do you have a dad/brother/friend who could come and help him....erm pack his bags iyswim

good luck x

Original poster
cazzy11 · 28/08/2010 18:05

hi sun, no i dont think he will as he can be very hard at times and show no feelings at all.
i have my brother who would quite happily come help.i just sat in the bath thinking,crying and wondering what to do. im 31 and shouldnt feel like this.wasting my life on a liar

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booyhoo · 28/08/2010 18:23

you are right cazzy, you shouldn't be wasting your life on a liar. but now you have realised it don't sit crying, use that energy to get him out. is he there now? pack up a bag for him and tell him it is over.

my exact words to EXp were "when you finish breakfast i want you to leave"

he looked at me and said "what? just like that? you're breaking up with me?" i said "yes, just like that." and i walked away. he packed his bags and left.

it doesn't have to be a long drawn out argument. in fact, better that it isn't. you have made your mind up, nothing he can say will change your mind, so just tell him you want him to leave and then let him go. you don't need to justify your actions straight away. when things calm down he may contact you and ask why and you can tell him then but don't get drawn into it when you are making him leave, he will just be stalling the inevitable.

Original poster
cazzy11 · 28/08/2010 18:26

no he still out with his brother'an prob on the train home from bristol as he went to watch football. i dont want him to come home thats the truth but then part of me does and just wants to turn a blind eye but i cant do that anymore for my sake and my kids sake.
i dont think he would be too bothered,he prob just go to his brothers have some time on his own for a few days and move on to another woman like he said he did with his ex

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booyhoo · 28/08/2010 18:35

well then pack a bag for him and leave it at the front door,or even better, have a taxi take it to his brothers and text him saying it is over and not to come home. if he wants to talk in a few days about why then you can explain then but you don't have to let him in tonight. you said the house is in your name?

sungirltan · 28/08/2010 18:38

tell him not to come home then. send him a text and bolt the door. the only reason to feel that you're wasting your life is if you let him stay!!

RumourOfAHurricane · 28/08/2010 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
cazzy11 · 28/08/2010 18:41

yeah its in my name so he has no rights over it.i did that incase things went wrong with us

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purpleduck · 28/08/2010 18:48

run
run
run

Stop looking for "concrete proof"
Otherwise you'll be 12 years down the line and regretting the whole thing.

He needs to go

StudiousSal · 28/08/2010 18:50

ok Cazzy you've got nothing to lose except a liar,cheat and twunt and you will be so much better off without him, if you don't want him home tell him, it's over put his stuff in bin bags and tell him to get lost, he won't care, as he thinks all his "lady friends" are the best thing since sliced bread and as you say he won't be on his own for long, but I know that hurts, better to know that now than tie yourself up in knots later. You will have your dignity, your DC's and a lot less heartache.

MadAboutQuavers · 28/08/2010 18:55

If you don't do this now cazzy, you'll be doing it later.

I turned a blind eye for a little while. It's called "delaying the inevitable" Hmm.

Good luck sweet.