Why was it ok for me to be spoken to like this?

[maristella]

The other day I arranged to meet my Dad with my son. My Dad has been amazing, he has offered to have my son for as much of the holidays as I have needed in order to be able to work, and I am so grateful.

My Dad asked me to collect DS from a town halfway between us. I have never been to this town, and had searched for a meeting place with car park where we could have a cup of tea etc, but to no avail. I asked Dad for ideas, he said he did not 'bloody know'.
After some encouragement he emailed me the post code for a car park where we could meet.

Any way, using the sat nav I arrived at the destination, and could not find a car park. I drove around the immediate locality and used to sat nav to return to the point where the car park should have been, still could not find it.

I called my Dad on my hands free, he shouted and swore at me. I pleaded with him for more information, he laughed and said I should call him when I've found them, and hung up.
I called him back and pointed out that I had followed the instructions, could not find them, had been driving around and around, and felt particularly worried as DS was with him and I couldn't find them. He yelled the street name down the phone repeatedly. I typed it into the sat nav and found them within minutes.

AS I got out of the car, Dad starts chatting away as if he had not just behaved really bloody horribly. I shook my head and said there was no reason for him to have spoken to me in that way. I went to get DS out of the car. Dad followed me and asked me who the fuck I think I am. I told him to stop it, and that his behaviour was unacceptable. He shouted at me and threw DS' bag into the boot of my car "You've fucking had it".

Once DS had closed his door I literally rounded on my Dad (I know, I know...) I raised my voice and said that he is not to talk to me in that way again, he is not to take the mickey when I am upset because I can't get to my DS, and that he should treat people as he wishes to be treated. He turned around to some shocked people in the car park and apologised, saying his 'daughter is having a turn'. I admit I was fuming at this point, I said "I'm not having a turn, I'm speaking to you the way you have repeatedly spoken to me while I have been desperately trying to find you!" I walked away, he followed me and hissed "You can fuck off". I've spun round like a mad woman and yelled "You can fuck off yourself, don't speak to me like like unless you want to hear it back".

I got into the car and apologised profusely to DS, this should never have happened.
I was shaking really badly. DS is ok, but I feel awful. DS said that when my Dad had started shouting down the phone at me and kept hanging up he felt really stressed.
I drove home feeling so so stressed. As soon as I got home I asked my brother to contact my Dad as I know what my Dad drives like when he's angry, and wanted to know he was home safe. My brother later contacted me wanting to know why I'm such a 'mad bitch', when I asked what I should have done, he did not know.

The fact is my Dad would never have spoken to anyone else like this. He seems to be enraged by any display if apparent inadequacy (particularly by a female). But I wasn't being inadequate. Yes, I'm more easily stressed than usual (have been a non-smoker for a matter of days). In fact every time I've tried to quit he seems to have found a weakness in me and gone on the attack, knowing he's more likely to get a response. He hasn't treated me like this since I was a child though. When I was younger he tried to trip me over if I ever stood up to him verbally. He seems to like to make nasty little digs, and very quietly (behind closed doors) where as my response to behind-closed-doors nastiness is to become very defensive, and very loudly.

I'm sorry for the essay, I have not been sure who to offload to, so I seem to have done it here.

I've been a twat though haven't I?
But why was I on the receiving end of this in the first place?
Am I being over sensitive?

OMG, that was quite long, sorry again

I'm not condoning your Dad's behaviour whatsoever but from a purely objective viewpoint, it sounds like the event was a final straw situation for your Dad. You say he's 'been amazing' which suggests you've been leaning on him heavily lately, but you also readily aknowledge that. No doubt the profuse thanks you've been giving him during this period have not in his mind been enough for the effort he feels he's making. I imagine he's just felt more and more put upon and resentment has begun to fester.

All that said, he is still very much out of order to behave in such a way. I think the best way forward is to speak to him in a few days when you've some more perspective and acknowledge all the points I make in the first paragraph and apologise for whatever it is that you may have done to contribute to the incident, but make it clear that you are extremely upset about how he treated you and feel that he must apologise too for his part.

Easier said than done, I know - good luck.

Vivi, genuinely have not leaned on him much at all! I have had to gently prise my son back on a couple of occasions this year! In fact this summer Dad wanted to have him for several weeks in a row, which was wonderful offer but I literally could not cope with not seeing DS for that long.
It's such a shame, I set off on the car journey fully intending to express my gratitude but he was just so irate, then I got irate... :(

I think you're right about apologising for my part, and expressing my concern about the incident.
Thank you

Sorry, it probably sounded like I was accusing you but I always find the best way through these situations is to try and see how the other person percieves things, even if they are wildly far off the mark.

So you don't think he feels like he has been taken advantage of? What else has he got to be cross about toward you? The only reason I say this is because his beaviour that day seems extreme in the context so I'm just assuming he's reacting to a build-up of resentment of sorts...

Do you feel you rely on your dad too much perhaps? It is hard to judge your op fairly as I don't have your dad's side. Whatever he reported back to your db seems to have made your db side with your dad. My concern is that you leave your son with him when you say he treated you unkindly as a child. How is he will your ds? Both of you were completely wrong to have fought so verbally in front of your ds. However, I am not so perfect and would have risen to the bait as well .

I would apoligise for swearing at him explaining situation (giving up smoking etc)

it will make you feel better

I feel life's too short for making it harder than it needs to be

not so much he's your dad so yo ushould - more to put it behind you and move on

and maybe your fault was for not looking it up on the google maps to see if such car park existed

You both sound as bad as each other. If your DS sees you yelling and swearing and behaving so badly he too will grow up to be a foul mouthed chav like the rest of the family.

Oh dear, what i think is that he shouldn't not have been rude, he should not have sworn. In s your shoes I would be devastated and tbh having this abuse would not be the price to pay for having him help you.
There are ways of being angry with people,he was out of order. No you didn't react well either.
Sorry

sorry for the typos

Chipsandcurrysauce, you sound lovely yourself .

I think I would find someone else to be baby sitting my son tbh.

It sounds irrational on your Dad's part, but you weren't able to deal with the stress of looking for them either.

I also wonder whether your Dad wants to be looking after DS full time and so feels his loss when you've taken him back.

But no - at the end of the day I would find your dad's behaviour quite shocking if your side of the story is totally honest.

Maristella - is this kind of reaction usual? It would have been for my Dad, when he was a bit younger. He gets it back both barrels now, so doesn't react aggressively in the first place like he used to because he can no longer get away with it. He was also good at picking on women and being generally crap at communicating; old school mysogynist bullies die hard, don't you know...

You are not being over-sensitive.

No-one should speak to anyone like that without damned good reason. Certainly not in front of children. Your reaction wasn't great, but I most definitely understand it, as I've had to resort to the same myself. He is most definitely in the wrong though to kick off like this.

What you do now depends on your usual relationship with your Dad, I suppose.

You can either apologise, "admit" that you overreacted, so he gets to feel all superior and in control, and things go back to how they were.

Or, you can stand your ground and take a "we were both in the wrong to speak to each other like that in front of DS, but if you speak to me like that again, you can expect the same reaction" type stance.

If it were my Dad, and I took the second option, he would have dug his heels in, stuck his hard face on, and refused to speak to me for a few weeks to indicate his disapproval.

Hopefully, your Dad isn't like mine and will just agree to "let's forget it, it wasn't very nice was it", if you suggest this...

I second MadAboutQuavers - speaking sense there

you have to CALMLY let him know it wasn't acceptable to you.

Is that normal for your dad? It sounds very odd behaviour from anyone in public who wasn't udner the influence; I appreciate that sounds terribly rude, and I don't mean it to be.

second madabout quavers, does he treat your mother like this?

Yelling names at you down the phone while you are driving in a town centre you don't know is just plain stupid and dangerous. He was parked up, not stressed, he should have behaved better.

I'd get someone else to look after your DS, you don't need that kind of hassle. And the holidays are nearly over.

I think you need to explain in writing, so you are sure to get your point across, that you don't like being yelled at and sworn at while you are driving, and definitely not in front of your child, and that you think he could have been calmer and more helpful.

And then leave it at that. Don't get drawn into an argument.

I can't see that you did anything wrong and you have nothing to apologise to him for.

Why did he not give you the street name when you first called?

It's pathetic behaviour.

My father would NEVER behave like this - and neither would anyone else I know.

If I had arranged to meet my father in a strange town that I did not know, he would not only make sure I had the address and the postcode of where I was to meet him, he would probably print me off directions and a map as well.

He was completely out of order.

Lucky you, templemaiden!

Thank you all, and sorry for vanishing. The joys of MNing from work!

He used to be very confrontational when I was a teenager, but has hardly behaved like this since. He has always seemed to be unable to cope with dithering females - that is the only way to describe it. When I was a teen I would worry about things, as teens do and it would enrage him. Any indecisiveness in people really gets his wick.

Usually we all seem to placate him when he gets irate, or dodge him; but since quitting smoking I have been less capable of this. For instance if this had happened before I quit, I would have pulled over and insisted on directions, then maybe taken the mickey out of his stroppiness on arrival. But even as I typed that I can't honestly see that it would have been possible to get a straight answer from him. He really was impossible!

Madabout his marriage to my Mum was awful. She is very passive aggressive, he is very verbally aggressive. It often was not very fun in our house!

And without a doubt I was wrong to have responded in such a way; I feel ashamed. I work in a role in which I would not last 5 minutes if I was generally that volatile. But then in my line of work you expect that kind of aggression, and there are procedures for dealing with it.

One thing that has occurred to me as a result of my brother's reaction is just how easy it is to write a woman off an unhinged, or a bit barking. I was defending myself against a surprise attack, and yes handled it very badly, but thought my brother's reaction was very harsh.

Ah I'm still cringing, and I'm still hurt :(
but I'm slowly starting to understand the situation, thank you all

It's your fault for being female.

Maristella, don't apologise unless you follow MadAboutQuaver's suggestion of following it up with: "we were both in the wrong to speak to each other like that in front of DS, but if you speak to me like that again, you can expect the same reaction".

This really stood out to me:
"When I was younger he tried to trip me over if I ever stood up to him verbally."
You know that's abusive behaviour, don't you? Your father is a bully, that's the problem here, not you or your inability to locate them in a car-park. Please don't feel that you're being oversensitive. You've certainly not been 'a twat'. It wasn't a good idea for you to respond the way you did, but your father goaded you into it, probably with the explicit intention of getting you to behave like this so that you could have it thrown back in your face.

I'd start looking into some of the toxic family threads on here to gain an understanding of why you're in this position. In the meantime, it's probably best to avoid saying anything and move on while trying to find another babysitter.

Please don't feel guilty.