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Original poster

So hot for man that ISN'T my husband!

39 replies

Champersonice · 26/08/2010 13:21

Married...currently separated - going through bad patch. Not sure if I want to try again but bit Jekyll & Hide as one day I want him back, next day I don't. What hasn't helped the situation is a very old friend is on the scene and wants me, I think.

I've known this guy since we were kids and we did have a smooch when teenagers (nothing more). Have since been told that he wanted a relationship but my big bro scared him off - thanks mate!! Anyway, fast forward many years (have always been in touch on and off) and it looks like something is a brewing...I know it is wrong but I cannot help myself lusting after him. Just writing this about him is making me immensely horny!!

What should I do?!

OP posts:
RandyRussian · 26/08/2010 13:23

You already KNOW what you SHOULD do.

Original poster
Champersonice · 26/08/2010 13:24

I KNOW what I SHOULD do but what about what I WANT to do??

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 26/08/2010 13:25

What you should do is sort out the situation with your partner... What you may choose to do, however, may be very different. I suppose, though, it depends on how you'd feel if your husband was to do the same thing? Bit of a tough one, sadly.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/08/2010 13:26

What you should do, is sort out your marriage one way or the other.

Then, if you are single you are free to see if this other man wants a relationship with you.

sincitylover · 26/08/2010 13:29

Expect I will get flamed for this but if you are properly separated I can't really see why you shouldn't pursue another interest.

However it will of course muddy the waters between your and your husband and may make things more confusing or it may clarify things if the new love interest reveals something that you don't like/hadn't realised or it gets it out of your system.

JMO

sincitylover · 26/08/2010 13:31

Yes what Belle said - how would you feel if your husband was doing this?

Original poster
Champersonice · 26/08/2010 13:31

Yes I know all that and you're right of course. If I turned it on its head and it was my DH in my situation, I wouldn't be happy. I know in my heart I can't do anything whilst being married. It's just these yearnings I have make me feel alive and wonderful. And the fact that I now know that 'old flame' and me always had the same feelings/intentions, makes me feel like I was perhaps robbed.

OP posts:
Shaz10 · 26/08/2010 13:32

Imagine him doing a big stinky poo and wiping his arse. See if that helps. :)
Seriously, a bit of distant lusting is ok, but I think if you want to do more you should do what Alibabaandthe40nappies says.

Original poster
Champersonice · 26/08/2010 13:33

We're not properly separated but what is proper about being separated? We no longer live together and it has been only a couple of months but we aren't talking of divorce..........

OP posts:
sincitylover · 26/08/2010 13:36

Yes I know that robbed feeling very well.

NM may well be prepared to wait for you - ha ve you discussed with him?

Also I think that most people do know deep inside what they want regarding their marriage or nm but find it hard to admit to themselves or take time to come to terms with the end of a relationship or lack the courage to end it properly.

Have you been to Relate or similar? What are the problems in the marriage?

Original poster
Champersonice · 26/08/2010 13:36

I've known 'old flame' for near on a quarter of a century(!!) and have always lusted after him. When we had a little smooch as youngsters it was great. Then he went cold on me - or so I thought - until I was informed that he was 'scared off me by my bro' - now it all makes sense and can piece it together like a puzzle. Since those days, have always had a thing for him and whenever I wee him my heart skips a beat. It is mutual.

But my poor DH......I know, I know, I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Champersonice · 26/08/2010 13:38

hahahahaha should read "when I SEE him blah blah blah" not "when I WEE him" could be another topic completely!!!

OP posts:
sincitylover · 26/08/2010 13:39

OK well I was separated from my exh for seven months before I could divorce him and during that time I considered myself free to date or shag anyone (actually I didn't feel ready) and he certainly did.

However we had decided that the marriage was well over and there was no going back.

People can be separated for years before they get divorced and often conduct new relationships. I thought that was just normal tbh.

Original poster
Champersonice · 26/08/2010 13:44

OK deep down I don't think our marriage is going to last but for all our sakes (DH and DD and me, damn it) I want to make it work or at least try. We have gone through so much to be together - another topic in itself. We are both from different cultures and backgrounds...me pretty easy going British/European family and DH quite stiff African. In the beginning I thought our ideals were the same but the more we are together, the more I realise they are not. We are also polar opposites in personality. Don't ask me if I didn't see this before we got married because I didn't and nor did he!

Not been to counselling. As I said earlier, one day I want to make it work and the next I think just go!

OP posts:
Original poster
Champersonice · 26/08/2010 13:46

I want to make the point that I certainly do not want to jump from one relationship to another (and that is alien to me as I have always had time as a singleton before going on to my next).

OP posts:
LoveBeingInBed · 26/08/2010 13:48

Think of it this was, Om has waited this long for a chance a little longer isnt going to hurt. Doing something now may mean that when things are completely finished with your ex that the two of you cant carry on iyswim.

purplepeony · 26/08/2010 13:52

well, I am going to buck the MN trend for advisng that you have to leave 1 relationship before you can start another. Yes, in a perfect world, but the world is also full of people who split up( as shown here) only when another man/woman came into their lives, and shook up a stale marriage. In fact I have posted today about a friend whose wife did just that to him.

What is more crucial is whether this other man is "the one" or if he is just a port in a storm, or you are clutching at straws- all the cliches you can think of.

By all means pursue it/him if that's what you want- but at some point you will have to tell your H and make a choice- and remember it may not work out with OM, he might just want a shag/fling, so that choice could mean end of marriage and being on your own. If that is something that seems possible and not too scary then maybe you are more ready to leave than you admit- only you know.

You also need to identify why your marriage is not working so you don't take all of that crap into another relationship and make the same mistakes- even if the "mistake" was wimply yo misjudge who your H really is and what makes you tick.

Original poster
Champersonice · 26/08/2010 13:53

Thanks for posts sincitylover but just want to clarify about this whole separation issue. I agree with you about moving on but DH and I haven't talked about divorce and although not living together, we haven't put the final lid on our marriage. Therefore, I do feel that if I were to pursue NM, it would be an affair. Actually, I already feel like I am being unfaithful just by my dirty dirty dirty thoughts! And these thoughts are so bad I am even starting to have dreams (real I hasten to add, not day-dreams!) about NM.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 26/08/2010 13:54

wimply?? simply- sorry crap at typing.

purplepeony · 26/08/2010 13:55

do you really like this OM or is it the attention and flattery that are doing it for you? All women get a buzz from attention when in a stale marriage but you need to look beyond the lust.

diddl · 26/08/2010 13:58

How old was the other guy when he was "frightened off" & why, if you´ve been in touch have you never got together?

That aside, if you don´t know whether or not to leave your husband, isn´t it best not to & to have a try at working things out?

TBH, if you both want it to last, it will.

Original poster
Champersonice · 26/08/2010 14:02

Hmmm interesting to hear different opinions. DH and I separated before NMs true feelings came to light. I was prepared to be on my own as there was no one else involved. Since DH has moved out, NM is opening up more and I think he wants more than a fling. It does scare me because I have always had a break between partners in the past.

I know deep down that I have to decide if I am going to try with DH. If I am , then I have to get NM out of my head (which isn't easy cos I have known him for such a long time). On the other hand, if I am going to end my marriage, I am not sure I can go straight into another relationship.

The biggest issue I have is whether to try with my marriage. I really cannot decide.

The other issue is whether my feelings for NM is just my childhood crush overspilled into adulthood thrown in with a mixture of deep lusting or really if he is the one. I don't think he is though.

Oh my, I really do sound confused, don't I?!!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 26/08/2010 14:04

either you are on your own and therefore it would be ok to have or start another relationship

or you are on a seperation and need to either close the relationship altogether so both parties know where they stand

be fair to yourself and the other party involved

purplepeony · 26/08/2010 14:07

If you are not living with your DH then I assume this is to help you find out whether you want to be married still? I may be being amoral here, but I cannot see why seeing another man during that time cannot be part of that discovery. Maybe this is a conversation you need to have with your DH so you are both free to follow anything that comes along.

Counselling might help but why don't you work out what the issues are with your H and decide if they are things that can be resolved, or if it's a difference of values and cultures that can never be bridged.

I think you are over complicating the issue by saying you don't want to jump straight from one to another- in a perfect world yes, but you have already "left" your H,literally and emotionally.

Original poster
Champersonice · 26/08/2010 14:14

Diddl - NM was a young teenager when frightened off by older, meaner, nastier brother lol. He could be scary in those days!! He scared him off verbally AND physically, I am ashamed to say. I said earlier all my past is starting to piece together like a puzzle - beacause I KNEW my bro had beaten him up at the time but thought it was for something else. Plus me and NM were almost getting together when he went cold on me and it was all around that time. Can't believe I am finding the truth out all these years on!

The reason we never got together later on is simple. We both got into other relationships, he had some kids...so was doing the whole proper supportive daddy bit, I went a bit awol and crazy in my 20s(!) and then I went and worked abroad. When I got back, NM was with someone and I was married. We have always talked like friends with our crush (on both sides) simmering beneath - that is for sure! He has very recently separated and now so have I. NM never married and the other day said he wished it was him that had married me. NM and I still haven't had a proper 'chat' about things - mainly cos I am too scared of being faced with a dilemma plus I don't want to do the 'dirty' on my DH, which I feel like I am already doing! Oh what a mess.

OP posts: