So hot for man that ISN'T my husband!

[Champersonice]

Married...currently separated - going through bad patch. Not sure if I want to try again but bit Jekyll & Hide as one day I want him back, next day I don't. What hasn't helped the situation is a very old friend is on the scene and wants me, I think.

I've known this guy since we were kids and we did have a smooch when teenagers (nothing more). Have since been told that he wanted a relationship but my big bro scared him off - thanks mate!! Anyway, fast forward many years (have always been in touch on and off) and it looks like something is a brewing...I know it is wrong but I cannot help myself lusting after him. Just writing this about him is making me immensely horny!!

What should I do?!

I don't think it is fair on your new bloke, really. You need to be free to put him first, not be worrying about your husband.

So don't start anything till you actually know what you're doing and have cut your strings to DH.

Otherwise you are making a mockery of the new bloke...why should be hang about for someone who is still entangled with someone else?

It's ok purplepeony - before marriage I was probably the most immoral person going! I had no conscience and didn't care what I had to do to get what I wanted. Since settling down, I have changed a lot. I always knew that in my younger years I would be unfaithful and out to get what I could but that once I got married, I would be faithful. Which I have been in body, if not in mind and that is what is killing me.

I know what I have to do, it's just which option to go for that is confusing me.

I know I cannot start something with NM until me and DH are over for good. It's just the decision making on my marriage that is giving me stress.

Lusting after NM makes me feel sexy but SO DOES my DH. That is one thing that hasn't changed in my mind. Or perhaps I am just a nympomaniac! I sometimes find it hard to put those feelings aside.

I think you could be jumping the gun- he is recently separated- ahh- new evidence! the word rebound for both of you is loud and clear.

Question is was this a childhood crush or is it something else- only one way to find out but do oyu need to come clean with H first?

Sorry Flightattendant but 'new bloke' isn't really 'new' and isn't really my 'bloke' - see back over thread. And if anything, I think I am making more of a mockery of my DH than NM. As I said, NM and I have always held torches and the true depth of that is only coming out now. I haven't decieved NM about anything and not stringing him along.

I am certainly NOT going to do anything with NM until I have made my decision about DH. It isn't fair on either of them.

It is only a decision I can make but I am finding it really hard. I just wish someone could tell me, "yes, try with DH cos this is just a bad patch and he is the one" or, "No, get rid and move on cos this isn't a bad patch it is a bad life" please someone say they understand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh dear there I go again with my time and distance not quite being right. When I said very recently separated, I mean recent as in I was condensing a time period over 25 years, so on a scale, very recently is actually about a year. So, is that very recent, recent or not recent??

and in answer to your question purplepeony, in any past relationships I would be completely honest and come clean but my DH is unlike anyone before. If he knew about this (even though I haven't physically done anything), he would want to divorce. He isn't westernised and I do not know if it is a cultural or family thing, but he would want to detach himself emotionally. I know that.

no stranger on the web can tell you what to do.

I understand your dliemma but maybe counselling would help.

You haven't given any real indication of why you think your marriage won't/isn't working.

Exploring what youwant in a marriage/partner with an objective 3rd party could really help.

If he's not 'new and he's not your 'bloke' then why do you use the acronym NM all the way through the thread, which incidentally, I did read before answering...

Do you know what, you can sort this thing out for yourself. I can't be arsed to try and help.

Flight- why so harsh?
Strictly speaking, NM is an abbreviation not an acronym; an acronym is when the letters make a word- such as NIMBY.

OP- you need to seriously workout what you like/dislike about your H and the reasons that have prompted your moving out- that's a big step and you must have felt strongly to do that.

There is loads that you aren't telling us, such as are you still in touch with H, do you miss him, what does HE want? He doesn't get a mention- is the decision 100% yours?

Harsh because the OP took my post as though it wasn't relevant and wasn't wanted, when it was intended to be helpful... and also because she managed to tell me off for using 'new bloke' instead of 'new man' like everyone else.

Much as you have for using 'acronym' instead of 'abbreviation'. Does it matter?

It was seeming like hard work to understand exactly what I could post in order to get something right.

FLight- I have read the OP's post to you and you have completely missed her point. She wasn't having a go at all, for using the term NM or NB- what she was doing was saying that he is neither new nor her bloke.

The term "ew bloke" implies there is something in it already which there isn't.

I really don't think she was having a go at you- she was pointing out that there is no relationship yet, and that he can't be new ( as in just met/picked up) as she has known him for ages.

It wasn't aimed at you as a personal attack, jut a way of making her situation clear to everyone. She might have sounded defensive but it was nothing to do with your post.

Champersonice Thu 26-Aug-10 14:27:47
'Sorry Flightattendant but 'new bloke' isn't really 'new' and isn't really my 'bloke' - see back over thread. And if anything, I think I am making more of a mockery of my DH than NM. As I said, NM and I have always held torches and the true depth of that is only coming out now. I haven't decieved NM about anything and not stringing him along.'

I see what you mean PP, it wasn't about the phrase but the fact she assumed I thought she was already starting to get involved with him.

But I thought she was - they've clearly been talking about their mutual feelings or she wouldn't know he felt the same way. She suspects he wants more, and he has said he wished he had married her.

This is quite involved. All I said was 'don't start anything yet' and that it wouldn't be fair for him to be waiting around if she was still trying to figure things out with her DH.

OP's reaction was pretty defensive. I didn't say she was deceiving him but I do think he will be getting hopeful and that isn't fair.

As I said I just picked up from the tone of the post that my thoughts were not required, so I decided I would bugger off.

Also OP beware if you are still thinking that your DH is the main one being - well, the one you'd be making any sort of fool out of. It just goes to show that he is still your priority. NM doesn't really get the same level of respect, from what you have said. ie it's not about him but about your marriage.

If you are going to start a relationship with him, your marriage and DH need to be far behind you so that it can be all about him. I hope this makes sense.

Sorry if I was too harsh earlier.

Hey! I am sorry but only just seen the last few messages! I came back to read over to try and make sense (my head is still all over the place!) and then I saw the last few messages.

So firstly, Flightattendant honestly no hard feelings - you misread my text and my tone wasn't defensive or having a go - the sorry was a real sorry and not condescending. I appreciate your advice and thoughts.

And purplepeony, thanks for understanding and fighting my cause lol. I am truly thankful to all replies.

To update you though, I am still split about making a go with my DH and I have kept my distance from NM or whatever he should bl**dy well be called :) no, he isn't 'new' and no, he isn't my 'man' my error - I should just refer to him as OM, now I get it - I stand corrected lol.

I have decided to concentrate on my marriage but it is still very tense and we have a huge communication problem. I think I am in a hopeless situation and I will get back to you all on this one, once I make sense of it. If I ever do!!