One year after discovery of affair

[BaggyAgy]

It is now one year since I had absolute proof of my DH philandering. He has never admitted the extent of his behaviour, but a series of emotional affairs cannot be denied. I moved away to our holiday home and built up a new life. At first I was distraught and thought my life was over. With the help of MN and telephone counselling I developed new hobbies and made a big effort and now have friends and a new life which I really enjoy. I am happy. During my long marriage, my health was seriously undermined by the knowledge that something was wrong. MY DH denied and made out I was going mad. He was cruel in his denials and his mistreatment of me. He was most unfaithful when I was undergoing cancer treatment. Since leaving him my health and my appearance have improved . I no longer live with deceit, a distant critical husband who used to put me down and blame me for the state of marriage. When I left him he started to respect me and we developed an amicable non-sexual relationship. He funded me generously. However since my departure he has failed to take care of himself. Although he is in his 50s he has become quite seriously ill. He is having tests. He is making overtures to me again. He is suggesting that as I will not join him, he comes to live with me. We have a long history together and I feel pity for him. I dread any form of cohabitation with him. I don't want to be a bitch or a doormat.

I think now is the time to instigate a formal separation or divorce, then.

Do not on, any account, let him move back in with you.

Friends of my PIL had a similar situation - he continually cheated on her through a 20+ yrs marriage and eventually separated for 2 yrs. She had rebuilt her life but remained friends. He made overtures to move back in with her and she weakened...anyhoo... he had an ulterior motive as his health was failing and she is now his full time carer.

Do you want to enjoy life or do you want to be his servant? Simple choice really.

Hi and thanks. I would be a dreadful nurse. However, my children sort of expect me to be supportive. He is very generous to them, and he is fun. He is an irresponsible teenager at heart . Dilemma.

It's not a dilema.

You owe him nothing.
He didn't keep his end of the bargain.
You don't need to play the doting wife. He lost all claim to her when he had affairs while you were receiving cancer treatment.

If your DC wanthim to be looked after by someone, let them do it. (I am assuming they are grown up.)

By all means be supportive, but don't let yourself become his skivvy.

Karma has bitten him on the bum.

Thanks. My Mother would say "God isn't sleeping". I'm not religious but feel she may be right that exH is getting his comeuppance. Have I become hard and cynical? Seriously, I'm hoping that any medical treatment he needs will mean he has to be near his home, as it is very isolated where I live. Strange that he doesn't want to be with his so called "soulmates", or that maybe they don't want him now. Cheating has cost him dear. You may be right, TheCrackFox, that he is being cynical and wants a nurse. I would be a hopeless nurse. Why do I feel both threatened and guilty?

I have read some wonderful and insightful posts you've made. I hope to achieve what you have achieved.

He has discovered that the grass isn't greener. Read your original post again, do you want to go back to that life?

I red the following in a book today and thought of you.

"For many of us, the most difficult word to say is one of the shortest and easiest in the vocabulary: No. go ahead, say it aloud: No.

No - simple to pronounce, hard to say. We're afraid people won't like us, or we feel guilty. We may believe that 'good' employee, child, parent, spouse, or christian never says no.

The problem is, if we don't learn to say no, we stop liking ourselves and the people we always try to please. We may even punish others out of resentment.

When do we say no? When no is what we really mean. When we learn to say no, we stop lying. People can trust us, and we can trust ourselves. All sorts of good things happen when we start saying what we mean.

If we're scared to say no, we can buy some time. We can take a break, rehearse the word, and go back and say no.We don't have to offer long explanations for our decisions.

When we can say no, we can say yes to the good. Our no's and our yes's begin to be taken seriously. We gain control of ourselves. And we learn a secret. "No" iisn't really that hard to say.

Today I will say no if that is what I mean."

Thank you Karmann, you are so right.

Hi Baggy,
I agree with the above, and I also think that you have done wonders for yourself, I take strength from people like you.

For what it's worth, my feeling is that unfortunately people have to take responsibility for themselves and their own decisions - he decided to be unfaithful to you and your children for years. Sadly, that means that he relinquished any right to be your husband or life partner.

Therefore it is not your problem that he is now ill. If the tables were turned, would you go back to him? No, I didn't think so.

He is not your problem any more, he has to take responsibility for his own life now. I agree that formal proceedings may be the best way to make this clear to both him and your families. Good luck x

Do your children know the true reasons why you have a problem with this?

I don't believe in giving children too much information regarding a divorce as it might turn them away from their parent, but in this situation I think you should tell them about him being unfaithful when you were receiving cancer treatment and that although you wish him well, you do not intend to nurse him through his ill health. He made his decisions then and can't expect you to forget them now.

I hope you're well and happy now; after all, it is the best revenge!

Just another thought Baggy. How would you have responded to your post had it been written by someone else?

oh please, baggy, don't be this abusive man's nursemaid after all you have been through

your management of other people's expectations is why you ended up in a totally shit position with this emotionally-incontinent fuckhead before

do not go back there

pity will not keep you warm at night and duty will wear away at you until you hate him

Hi, No atswimtwolengths, they don't know about his serial philandering. My eldest son knows about one relationship, but thinks that because it was probably emotional not physical, that it is not that important. I tried hard not to involve the children, they would not have thanked me for it. My H is fun and irresponsible, which made him a fun father. Even my eldest son really didn't want to be told. He didn't want to see me suffer and he didn't want to have to think badly of either of us. He loves my H very much, and will be devastated if he is very ill. He will not expect me to add to that.

Karmann, you are right. I am awaiting his test results before even taking his threat to move in seriously. I will then try to be supportive from a distance.

He cannot threaten to move in with you - it's your choice.

Support from a distance is fine from one human being to another - nothing more. You've built a life for yourself, hold on to it.

Hi AF cross posted. I won't go back, I absolutely couldn't. I won't let him come here if at all possible. I may have to be supportive in other ways, but that's okay. I might just end up hating him if we "reconciled". I am remembering the hurt and then the anger I went through this time last year.
I had finally rebuilt my life, and now this.

Not 'had' rebuilt your life, 'have' rebuilt your life. It's yours now, just as you like it. Remember that hurt and anger and use it to justify keeping hold of your new life.

baggy...that last post sounded resolute

your OP did not

Don't do it! I took XP back when he was at his lowest and it just took us back to the same place again. Same mistakes, same cheating, same knob-head.

You're a whole year on from that old situation, don't slip back in because he has been good about money or because you pity him.

how is you health now Aggy?

Hi, Msboogle thank you for asking. I had a very invasive test to see if the cancer had returned, it had NOT. I have another troublesome condition but nothing life threatening. I am happy to settle for that. Very soon I will be off all cancer medication and be considered a success.In place of fine thin hair, I now have a head of thick curly hair, which I absolutely love. I am now girly. People often don't recognise me. It must be the permanent smile I now have. During my marriage I was always serious and sad. I have learned to be a bit less serious and a bit less predictable.

I think you have made some amazing and positive changes in your life. You sound as if you feel that life is better now so why put yourself back into a situation where you will probably revert to feeling bad about yourself.

I also wonder, if the boot had been on the other foot (and I hope it never is ) would he have been prepared to look after you in poor health? I think not.

Some support from a distance is all you can do. Don't let yourself be dragged down again.

HI again, I have just re-read all the responses to my OP, because I value the clear support. I realised too that my 2 youngest children know nothing (from me at least) about my exH's philandering. I realise that I didn't tell them because they would turn their backs on him and be horrified. Both are morally quite puritanical. Now is not a good time to enlighten them, and to be fair, not a good time for H to have to deal with that too. I don't want my children divided over this. They are of course aware that we lead separate lives. However, thanks to you guys I no longer feel guilty. I will not be taken for a ride again.

One of my workmen here tells me that his Catholic mother took his alcoholic father back after 20 odd years of separation and nursed him through his final years of ill-health. He told her he was dying, so she did her "duty". He lived a few years not months. Reminds me of the Lockabie Bomber, or was he just being less than honest.

Hi Baggy
I was going to pm you but I see you are not receiving messages. I remember when you were so supportive re my post about my horrible experience at the hands of my XH. Your wise words were a great comfort to me.
However, even after all that has happened, I still find myself missing him, so I can relate to how you are feeling now. He too was fun and vibrant to be around.
I am probably the most ancient MNer in the universe, so I am hoping to develop some wisdon of my own at some stage.
You were incredibly brave to make the move you did and I think you are feeling softer towards him because you are happier with yourself. We can feel better disposed towards people when we are balanced in our own lives, I think.
I think you need to balance your instinct to offer him some comfort, because compassion, even to our enemies, is what makes us human, and protecting your hard-won peace of mind. You must put your own emotional security first, not to get back at him, but because that must be best for you.

Hi tametiger, what is pm. I am not very computer literate? I didn't know I could receive such messages.

I am so glad that I was able to help you. MN really did save my sanity, together with 3 sessions of telephone counselling. My exH thought I would not seek outside help. He was horrified when I told him that Relate believed that our relationship was non-viable because of the continuing deceit. My ExH used to say I was imagining things, even when I had seen for myself. I did question my own judgment. MN didn't, and neither did Relate. I grew in strength and saw that he was gaslighting.

I do feel compassion for him. I remember the fear of diagnosis, and the feeling of being so alone. Surprisingly, many other cancer patients I met, felt their spouse/partner failed to adequately offer support. I sometimes wonder if my H was looking for a replacement for me. Could he not wait. Whilst I don't want to behave like he did, I realise that our circumstances are now different. I was lucky to have a holiday home to move to. It was not as dramatic or traumatic as moving out. A sort of stepped separation. And yes I do miss him on occasion, he could be great fun. I also feel he is the victim of his own nature.

I hope things are better for you now tametiger.

you sound so happy
sit down and talk to him and tell him that you are sorry but you can't support him now.

Baggy are you the lady who had a sprained ankle a while ago and whose ex wouldnt come and walk the dog or give you lifts ? Sorry awful memory