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Original poster

The cold shoulder - how long is reasonable?

37 replies

BranchingOut · 26/08/2010 09:30

I had a row with my husband on Saturday (long story, but I raised something which I probably shouldn't have done - although I felt justified by circumstances). I have apologised and explained but he has not spoken to me since Saturday, apart from matters to do with our son (11 months old).

I have been keeping out of his way, eating separately, coming to bed after him in order to give him a chance to cool down, but even simple overtures like 'hello', 'bye' or 'would you like some of this food?' are met with a stony stare.

The Bank Holiday is looming and I am not sure what to do next. When does sulking become unreasonable in itself?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 26/08/2010 09:37

Well, stop eating separately and going to bed at a different time.

Just ignore his sulking, act like nothing has happened, but been quite moody yourself. (Don't bother with hello/goodbye or consulting him about food)

DysonDad · 26/08/2010 09:39

Not sure "sulking" is ever reasonable in an adult relationship, to be honest. It's not doing either of you any good - he's just internalising it all, you're being made more upset by it.

Perhaps say to him: "I have apologised already and am sincere in that; I would like the chance to talk through what happened like adults for the benefit of both of us." If you get stony silence again then I would simply act as normal and don't let it hang over your weekend as much as possible. Have fun with your DS and be pleasant and cheerful with your DH. He needs to grow up a bit in relation to this.

Still, look on the bright side, it's giving you practice for when DS gets to the stroppy toddler stage. Wink

Anniegetyourgun · 26/08/2010 09:42

The cold shoulder is not reasonable for any length of time, full stop. Can you really have said something so awful that he can't bring himself to speak to you for the best part of a week?

Threaten him with counselling, that should frighten the miserable sod.

LackingInspiration · 26/08/2010 09:48

It's pathetic. He's pathetic. Is he a fucking 3 year old? Hmm

What a twat! Seriously, behaving like that is so pointless.

I'd be tempted to say to him 'look, you're behaving like a twat, can't we just sort this out?' but I can see that woudln't be helpful either.

Not sure what the answer is, tbh - I had to teach my DH not to behave so stupidly when we first got together. Now we never leave a row unsorted, never go to bed angry with eachother, never leave eachother (ie. for work or whatever) on bad terms.

What a waste of your life to spend it sulking!

nancydrewrocked · 26/08/2010 09:51

Sulking becomes unreasonable after about an hour.

Everyone is allowed a littel strop but FFS they realise that it is pathetic, apologise and move on. Your husband needs to grow up.

What is it that you raised? (that may have an impact on the advice given)

Flighttattendant · 26/08/2010 09:53

LI can I just say I am inspired that you managed to teach a bloke anything!

It gives me hope...Smile

cestlavielife · 26/08/2010 09:58

take yourself and ds off for the weekend go visit friends/relatives...tell DH that you will return when he wants to have an adult relationship with you.

templemaiden · 26/08/2010 10:12

LackingInspiration - HOW did you "teach" him? My dh (of only 4 weeks) is a sulker too, but so far the longest it has gone on for is a day and a half - but I always have to be the one to approach him to break the silence.

The day and half was me leaving it to see how long it would be if I left him to ome back himself - eventually I couldn't bear it any more.

I really really hate it. When he is his usual loving self, we can talk about it and I have told him how much I hate it. I've told him it's OK for him to get pissed off, and it's OK if he needs to go off to be by himself for a while, but he has to learn to get over it more quickly.

When he's himself even he has suggested that maybe he should "see someone" about it.

It's like there's someone else living inside him when it happens - I call him Mr Grumpy.

LackingInspiration · 26/08/2010 11:19

We talked about how we wanted our marriage to work; and both decided that honesty and openness was the best policy, and that we would talk through everything and never end a row without properly cuddling and making it up. Then, once we'd agreed it, if he started sulking, I reminded him what we promised eachother. Sometimes I have to make him talk to me when he's grumpy, but he never ignores me...thankfully he's not a twat so he seems to never have been that pathetic.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who refuses to talk to me - that's just so stupid! Your partners are wasting their lives being so grumpy! The only way to resolve disputes is to talk about them - what do they think they're going to acheive by ignoring it (and you) like that?

skidoodly · 26/08/2010 12:26

It's not just stupid it's cruel.

Ignoring someone as described for this long is every bit as bad as verbally abusing them.

I'd rather my husband called me a nasty name in anger than stonewalled me like this for a week.

It's abusive.

lazarusb · 26/08/2010 12:27

There is a difference between having a bit of space (then talking things through) but actively ignoring someone like this is ridiculous and unreasonable. Would you take it from your dc as he/she gets older? I know I wouldn't, I certainly wouldn't put up with it from an adult. At what point will this situation be resolved if he isn't talking to you?
Resume communication immediately!

minibmw2010 · 26/08/2010 12:30

Stop making his behaviour so easy for him to do ... tell him you are going to start doing things as normal, its time for him to grow up and stop sulking, but you aren't going to skulk around so he can feel better just to make you feel worse .... Tell him you've apologised, you aren't going to do so again or keep doing so, and its time to move on from this.

sorrento56 · 26/08/2010 12:40

A couple of hours of space is fine but any longer than that is just a waste of time.

madonnawhore · 26/08/2010 12:41

Never reasonable imo. It's mean and passive aggressive. If he must sulk, I'd say an hour at most should be enough time for him to nurse his injured feelings before manning up, strapping on a pair and either giving or receiving an apology like an adult.

dignified · 26/08/2010 12:43

If something has bothered you your entitled to raise it, whatever it is . Hes not sulking at you , hes punishing you to make sure you dont dare raise it again.

Does he do this to his work freinds or his family, mum and dad perhaps ? Does he fuck i bet.

Personally id fuck off for a few days and i wouldnt even bother telling him. If you cant do that just go out on your own, why sit in that sort of horrible enviroment waiting for him to come round ?

This is emotional abuse , no doubt about it and it always escalates. Would he continue to blank you if his boss called or your parents ? I seriously hope your not still cooking and washing ect for him ?

Seriously, clear off for a few days, you might want to question whether he displays other abusive behaviours.

skidoodly · 26/08/2010 12:44

He's not wasting time, he's being a nasty, aggressive bully and if he's done the shouty equivalent of what he's doing now people would be saying you should leave him.

Since he's being silent you should get an uninterrupted 5 minutes to let him know in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is way out of line and that if he thinks it's OK to treat you like this he needs to find himself somewhere else to live.

To live like this, with the threat of this kind of thing hanging over you and fucking up your life, must be unbearable.

dignified · 26/08/2010 12:45

" Would you like some of this food ?"
Are you being serious ? Fuck that !

Seriously, id be off for a few days , thats utterley ridiculous.

madonnawhore · 26/08/2010 12:48

Dignified's right about him punishing you. It's horrid, dysfunctional behaviour, a form of bullying and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

I've been there myself and I know how powerless and shit it can make you feel. This is emotional abuse and he's being a cock.

MadAboutQuavers · 26/08/2010 12:52

My DP and I had a "slight altercation" on Sunday, after which he went into an annoyed sulk with me.

I gave this half an hour before I said "Are you going to speak to me about this like an adult and stop sulking? If not, just remember that it's you keeping this nonsense going." This comment did precipitate another row as he responded with "I'm not sulking!!", but we thrashed it out and made up.

Half an hour tops. After that, it's just cruel, childish and petty. Keep picking at him until he cracks and is forced to respond. Anything to break the deadlock, which is much more destructive.

TheCrackFox · 26/08/2010 12:54

I honestly couldn't be arsed with it. I can just about tolerate it in a 3 yr old but in a grown up?

I would arrange to go out with friends tonight. If you are not there he can't sulk. When he has stopped being a dick you can tell him that if he tries that stunt again you will be divorcing him

As sure as eggs is eggs one of his parents will be a massive sulker.

mittz · 26/08/2010 12:55

This makes me shudder..t eh cold shoulder, the stony silence until in the end I was grateful for the rant.. Monosyllabic, monotone responses so that I asked what was wrong to be told nothing and then........

And that was either my Dad or my DC's Dad. People are quiet now and I automatically assume that I have done something wrong, like a naughty bad child. Although I am dealing with it.

Bugger that for a game of conkers.

BO.... whatever it is, surely in a healthy loving relationship you should be able to both express your feelings healthily? This is quite sad unless it is a one off and completely out of character. Fill your weekend with things, he is being unreasonable.

Original poster
BranchingOut · 26/08/2010 12:57

Thanks for the perspectives.

What happened, well that would be a thread in itself. I may post that separately, but am not sure yet.

What I did could probably be best described as a betrayal of confidence. I told another family member about his feelings on a particular matter, in the hope that it would open up a discussion to resolve a long running issue. But he was furious that I had done so...

At the moment I don't feel upset about what he is doing - just calm - but I can feel myself wavering and I am not looking forward to the weekend. He has always been prone to a bit of a sulk, which has sometimes lasted a few days, but this seems different.

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 26/08/2010 13:03

A few days is a long time. A week is ridiculous. I agree with the majority - a few hours to collect one's thoughts and work through the irrational first reactions and get the issue reasonably set out in one's own head is one thing. Several days of silence is not about collecting one's thougts, it's about punishment.

Punishment of any type has no place in a relationship.

lfurreaux · 26/08/2010 13:13

isnt the cold shoulder an infantile thing to do? What on earth can be so bad you cant discuss it?

Good luck
x

coffeeinbed · 26/08/2010 13:15

Whatever you've done this is not a way to solve it.
It's not constructive, it's simply stupid.
It would drive me bonkers.
A sulk in my house usually last as long as to walk the dog. It must be said that it's known for the dog to enjoy a lot of these, but at least someone gets something!