I'm just not interested!

[notinterested]

Is there anyone else who just cannot be bothered with sex. I'm sure my partner would like it more often, but it just seems like a huge drag to me and I avoid it as much as possible.

Our relationship isn't brilliant but it's ok, I don't think that anything would bring the spark back though. Actually trying for another baby probably would, but that's not going to happen.

Does it matter if you don't have a sex life?

Notinterested I can relate to what you're saying. So many women seem to feel the same way.

I think we just have too much going on to think about sex. DH always seems to want it when he comes to bed around 10.30 - 11.00pm at night, but most of the time I'm well past it by then. I feel bad though because he's still interested in me (physically), and I just don't really feel the same way anymore. We are good friends most of the time and are quite compatible in many ways, but sex isn't really one of them, and I feel really bad not returning the attraction that he feels for me.

I really don't know what the answer is. The times that dh and I are most likely to get intimate, is when we are alone and away from home...

DH and I don't have sex very often and it's all down to my lack of interest. He could do it every night at the drop of a hat but I need more of a run at it IYKWIM. I need a bit of a warm up and I'm not just talking foreplay, part of it is my need to establish some kind of mental connection before I can make the physical one.

We are a bit limited on finances and babysitters so we don't get out much, which I'm sure would help, so what we try to do is spend one night a week together, properly together, ie we put ds to bed the TV stays off, we eat dinner at the table and we sit and talk. There's no reading books, no doing the ironing or any other activity we crack open a bottle and we relax. I usually find that this sort of evening can be a good prelude to sex for me. I find myself warming to the idea and a lot of it has to do with feeling close to dh (that mental connection), feeling more like myself and feeling relaxed - all things that tend to get sacrificed when you have kids and a busy life.

OK so in practice it doesn't happen once a week but when it does happen I enjoy it and end up wondering why I don't want to have sex more often.

I was on antidepressants for a long time and they definitely took a toll on my libido as has depression over the years. I'm not suggesting that you are depressed, I'm just trying to identify reasons that may have caused my lack of interest in sex over time.

I think relationships can chip along without sex but I don't think it would be particularly fair for one partner to deny the other something that they clearly want and need. I know that I wouldn't want to live like that. I think ultimately it would end in tears.

I hope things work out for you notinterested.

there are lots of us that feel this way I'm sure of it.I think the problem is with me anyway is I am tied out and my mind is full.Since having children it feels like everyone wants a peice of me.I can't even eat a dinner in peace.Towards the end of the day it make dinner/packed lunches,bath kids,put kids to bed,wash up,ironing then after all that he creaps into bed expecting me to be a sex mad childless 20 something.I feel it's just one more chore and seeing as it's the last one it's easy to leave it.I have alway's been sexy in the mornings but the kids are alway's around.Justlatley dh has started going out with his friends so while he is out and the children have gone to bed I spend that time on my own pampering myself then before he gets in I'm all ready for sex and it's great.I think it's because I have made time for myself and feel like a woman again and not a mummy or cleaner.I think as well that when we become mothers (I suffered with P.N.D)that we forget to enjoy ourselve's and somehow feel we don't deserve it.Don't forget that sex isn't just about pleasing your man it should be for you both to enjoy(It sometimes help's to retrain your thinking).I was brought up as many of us were that sex is for men and women layed back to think of england.Go to some Ann summers party's or read some sexy books that could turn you on like Jackie Collin's or better not the men are all super studs.Hope you get on o.k

I am sure that most of us know this feeling very well. Having had three kids I have found that I'm pretty disinterested for a couple of years after giving birth. As happycat says it can often feel like a chore, particularly with the other very physical demands being made on you, by bedtime you just want to be left alone! I sometimes think it is nature's way of protecting the child you have, by taking away your sex drive to ensure you don't conceive again.

However, your feelings will come back, don't worry. They will come back as strongly as ever before as long as you encourage them. Men don't understand this loss of sex drive, and it's easy for them to think we don't love or desire them any more (in fact I often have sexy thoughts about my DH, but by bedtime I am usually past the point where I would act on them!)

Unfortunately there is great danger of men having affairs within the first couple of years of a child's life. Whatever we may think about this, I am sure it is something we wish to avoid, and I think we have to accept that men and women feel differently about this subject. It's important for both partners to take care of the other's feelings, women want to feel loved and emotionally and mentally connected before they ever get in the mood for sex, (at this stage in our lives, anyway), and it's important that we explain these needs to them. On the other hand, they need sex to feel loved and so we have to do our best to fulfil their needs too.

You would not wish your partner a life without sex, I am sure. Even if it doesn't matter to you, it does to him, and it is not fair to expect him never to have sex again. When I have felt as you do, I try to make the effort now and again, usually on a weekend morning or afternoon, when I had a bit more energy. Sometimes when I did not feel interested I became interested as it went along, if you know what I mean. As time goes by and your energy levels increase again, your drive comes back and things fall naturally into place if the framework is there.

A night or two alone is a fantastic boost too, if you have a kind friend or relative who will relieve you of kids once in a while.

It isn't just for your partner, it's a pleasure in life you shouldn't be missing out on either - I hope you find it again.

What I find really difficult is this sense that I'm not sexy, I'll never be sexy again, I'm mumsy, etc etc etc...even though DP keeps assuring me I am. I'm just a Mum. Does this go away?

Isn't it hard to feel sexy when all day long you spend your time being mumsy? Every time you put on clean clothes they end up being covered in poo or chewed food or baby sick. So you stop bothering and wear leggings and a T-shirt. You don't wear makeup because you are too tired to remove it all at night. You have what my DH describes as '3 boobs' - one being your stretched tummy.

You need a night out once in a while where you dress in something sexy, wear makeup and get your man to treat you sexy! Miraculously, my DH still treats me like a supermodel even when I look like his fat aunt. But I am so lucky!

Do you think partners would spend the time to make you feel sexy if they realised it might lead to them getting some?

Sorry, it was my DS who accused me of having 3 boobs, not my DH!

If I thought my DH was taking the time to make me feel sexy simply because he thought it might lead to him getting some, he wouldn't be getting any!!

Trouble is, I don't really fancy him anymore. I'm not sure I even love him. Wouldn't really like to hazard a guess how he feels about me but I imagine its pretty similar.

Don't hazzard a guess - ask him - he may still think you are a complete babe - I think you need to talk about this together and be honest but from what it says on here most women go through this and the addage - the more you have it the more you want it is also true of the less you have it the less you want it.

Please sit down and talk - don't bottle this up - you are part of a couple and need to work through things together.

Notinterested, how old are your children? Part of me is "not interested" because I spend all day with little people making demands on my time and clambering over me that I really don't want another, larger, person making demands on my time and clambering over me IYSWIM. There's also an element of "can't be bothered" and that bed is for sleeping because I'm so tired. When I can be bothered and make the effort (where did spontaneity go??) it's generally worth it and on those rare occasions when dh and I go out together I do realise why I married him in the first place. Can you get some child free time alone with your partner and be yourself again rather than Xs mummy? Get rid of the children and try making a date like you used to. Ban talk about children if you can and see what happens - it may give you an idea about whether you do still love him and whether the spark is there underneath everything.

Are you breastfeeding at the moment? I always lose all desire for sex when I am, but it does come back after I stop. At least dh realises this now, after 3 babies. The 1st time he was upset, though (as was I).

Neither of us is currently interested... new baby (well, 6 months), very busy lives, constantly v. tired. In fact, it is a bit of a standing joke (but very true) that you only have to look in the cot to see what happened last time we had sex!

But we stay close with things like sharing a bath, a massage or just a back scratch. I think it works for us because it makes us physically close, but it is relaxing and sort of serves a purpose too.

Does that make us sound really sad? Maybe, but at least we are both happy with the situation. I think that Boe is right. The only right thing is what is right for you as a couple, and that you need to talk about it. I find fizzy wine helps to start the conversation!

my sex switch is in the off position woth no hint of it returning to "on".
Is that frank enough?

I'm with you here 100%. its sounds awful but yes our marriage is still fine even though i don't fancy him at all. My dh put on 6 stone after we met, and I can't remember the last time I thought he was attractive. I matured and became a better person after ds was born, my dh however revealed himself to be a mardy, lazy child. He expected me to want to have sex with him because he found me attractive. Thats no good, why would i want to have sex with someone who hasn't met my expectations of a husband and dosen't care about his appearance. He has now taken to wearing socks with sandals and I refuse to walk anywhere near him in public. I make suggestions about him losing weight and stop wearing sandals but he says that no one can make him, to which I reply that no one can make me have sex with him then. Love is a complex emotion, sex is a simple act. As far as I'm concerned sex in marriage is a reward for the husbands for doing as they're told. Thats not going to help your sex life, but it helps to know that there are relationships that thrive even in the most bizarre of circumstances.

I don't see sex as a reward for my DP at all it is a time for us to be physically close and show each other how much we love each other. It is also a time when we can talk about things in our lives at a much deeper level and a time when he makes me feel beautiful and hopefully I do him.

He had big problems at one time and we did not have sex for a while, he said the saddest thing for him was that he could tell me how much I meant to him but he could not show me, (although I would love a few diamonds) and although we hold hands all of the time and he had no problems with kissing me goodbye when we go our seperate ways to work he said that to him this wasn't enough and he wanted to 'make love' to me - he refuses to call it sex which I do find kinda corney but he does not see it as a physical act but one of love.

Not sure if this answers any questions but I think you need to re-evalute your relationship if he is not willing to do anything to make himself attractive for you. He sounds really selfish and I do hope that you work this out.
As a little footnote my x2b drank all of the time and I said I would not have sex on days that he drank - this did not stop hs drinking at all and he still drank everyday and just releaved himself - ths was one of the big cues to get the hell out of there!!

He is in my mind stunning but that is as much to do with his kindness and intelligence as his looks (I must say though he is really cute!! ).

Did I kill this one???

No but i'm a bit confused about your x2b and current relationship and which you are talking about etc.

can only agree with most of the stuff on here - DS is nearly 20 months and hardly done much. It definitely helps to talk as may find partner feels the same way (going back to notinterested) and just didnt want to say anything (typical man!) You definitely need to make the effort once you have children which may take some planning but hopefully worth it! Also think hormones have a lot to do with it which is why takes such a long time for some to feel in the mood again...

Glad I read this - was beginning to think that I was abnormal - used to love sex but now it just seems like a chore. We keep saying we must make an effort but don't. At least we talk about it so I suppose we are lucky in that way. I had a lot of previous 'relationships' and can confidently say that for me it is not the be all and end all although it would be nice now and then.....maybe will follow the advice about keeping the telly off and having a night out but indoors.

Have only just found this site and love it already. All these women experiencing the same as me. This particular one really struck a chord! We've managed it once this year (my son was born end of Dec.) and it was great but took a lot of effort to get in the mood - a bath, sexy undies...
Unfortunately my boobs used to be my big thing for getting in the mood, but now they're either like shrivelled bits of flesh if he's fed well or huge leaking balloons if he hasn't!
At the moment I really feel like sex would just be one more chore, another demand on my time, before I can get to sleep!
Hubby is very patient and understanding and has also said he'll have the snip which will take away the worry of an unwanted pregnancy.

Add another to your list !!

I love my DH more than anything and I do really fancy him, but I am only just starting to get my sex drive back 12 months after I gave birth to our DD !

For me it has nothing to do with my body (though, yes, it is hideous, stretched and saggy!) but I really just don't feel interested in sex. I am a very touchy-feely person and really enjoy cuddles, snuggles, kisses etc but sex just leaves me a bit cold, it's no reflection on his skills (ahem!). I just don't feel horny anymore !!!!! But like I say...things are improving

Manfwood - ex was nasty self releiving drunk - DP is lovely (slightly oversexed at mo for some reason though???)

I think that maybe you guys should find some us time and not even have sex - just do the only touching above the waist thing and lots of stroking and kissing, it will make you feel special and a bit more physical - one of my friends did this and me and DP have had to and it really works - it sort of takes you back to being intimate without actually putting any pressure on either of you to do the deed.

Only problem I had after birth was loss of sensitivity in nipples - was appallig you could have hung clothes pegs on them and I would have felt nothing when usually just a slight breeze got the perky!!! But this wore off after a while and now I just keep out of the wind!!

TBH I think every woman goes through these moments at different stages in their lives.Lets face it but us mums cook, clean, work pt or ft,laundress 24 bleedin 7. And what for to make our partners and most importantly children a nice, cosy and safe home.How can we feel sexy when we have poo, snot and vomit thrust upon us not to mention all the cleaning fluids we use to keep our homes tidyish. There are not enough hours in the day. So when our dh/dps or whatever fancy nookie at the end of one of our sweaty days work we are supposed to be honoured.Well excuse me but I cant be bothered coz I have done ABC-- right up to bleedin Z and yet you expect me to give you pleasure aswell. I think not.

If my dh wants even a hint of nooks he has to help me with all those nasty little jobs.Plus he has to take me on a night out, even if it is only to the local pub for a couple of drinks.With the added bonus of a new rig-out to go out.It doesnt mean I love him any less but at the end of the day if he makes that effort for me, I will make that effort for him.It doesnt necessarily mean he will get his nookies coz I might be too tired so that makes him put more of an effort in the daily drudge the next time.I am a woman after all and us women need to feel special that little once in awhile.
Until my demands are met I am just notintersted

Doormat you made me smile.

Was trying to explain these concepts to dh last night but I really don't think he gets it - at least we women understand each other!

Now why are we attracted to men again...?

Notinterested - I think that it does matter if you don't have a sex life, i believe that a relationship needs to have an even balance and sex is part of that balance. The longer there is no sex in your relationship then (imo) it will be even harder to feel in the mood as time goes by as you probably won't see him in that way anymore. It's all very well to have a marriage based on friendship but i do believe that there has to be a certain amount of lust/passion that remains. Try if you can to get the spark back by remembering what it was that you fell in love with and what it was that felt so passionate when you were first together. I don't always feel completely in the mood and i do get annoyed when i've been sat around all evening and then my husband pounces on me at 10:30pm! But i do know that if we're not having sex regularly i start to feel depressed about it and it becomes more and more of an issue. Kids certainly alter libido but that doesn't been to say with a bit of encouragement it won't return, i don't always feel i can be bothered but i do make the effort for us both so as not to let our spark go and i always feel much better knowing i'm getting it or giving it regularly!!!