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Original poster

Ex partner/new partner punchup

29 replies

ineedamiracle · 24/08/2010 09:32

This is the first time I've used this website, but really haven't got anywhere else to turn. I found myself being a single Mum after my husband abandoned myself and our son for one of my friends. Six months ago, I met a nice man who promised me the world - he was widdowed and also had a son and things looked promising. The problem is, my new partner thinks that my six year old is being influenced by his father to behave badly. He says kicking under the table and not listening are not just part of being a small child, that his father must be behind these behaviours. My partner is now threatening to have it out with my ex-husband and currently isn't speaking to me because I naturally stick up for my beautiful boy. Help.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 24/08/2010 09:33

Your new partner is an arsehole.

Dump him.

NEXT!

Lulumaam · 24/08/2010 09:34

what shirley said !!

your partner has no understanding of children and at the end of the day, your little boy has barely had time to adjust to his father not being there, never mind a new man on the scene who is not happy with him

and he is now not talking to you?

bin him, you don't need this crap

arfarfa · 24/08/2010 09:48

Run from him as fast as possible. He is essentially pissing on his (new) territory, and to involve a child in this is crass beyond belief. Bin him!

Original poster
ineedamiracle · 24/08/2010 10:13

My little boy adores him, I can't let him down again by watching another man walk out of our lives. I know he is being unreasonable but I just cant get him to see that he is a normal six year old - kids don't listen to their parents right?

OP posts:
Dartsissolastseason · 24/08/2010 10:20

My ds is also 6 and is always being told off for not listening. In fact it's one of the areas in his school report to work on. Totally normal.

Dartsissolastseason · 24/08/2010 10:22

And I should add that eventually your little boy won't be so adoring of your new partner if he's being picked on all the time.

ShirleyKnot · 24/08/2010 10:23

Look.

Your job is to protect, teach and love your sweet little boy.

Anyone who comes into your lives should also behave as if that is their job as well.

At the moment this "man" is not protecting your child from anything, is he? He is actually attacking his peace of mind by, presumably, gassing on about sitting still at the table, not answering back, and not speaking to his mother.

This "man" is teaching your son that women and children should obey the "alpha male" in the house. Nice one.

Does this sound like a loving relationship to you? Bearing in mind this twat wanker prick has only been floating around for 6 months.

Just get rid before he does any more damage, because believe me, if he's like this now in another 6 months your son, and you, will really be living a terrible life.

Squitten · 24/08/2010 10:23

I would suggest to you that staying in what sounds like it's going to be a bad relationship would be a hell of a lot worse for your child than letting him go!

Kids behave badly, as you well know. The fact that this man is attempting to stir up trouble with your ex is a BAD SIGN. How do you think your child will feel if he is constantly watching that battle play out? This man has NO RIGHT to be at all involved in anything with your ex husband.

Find your backbone woman!

loopyloops · 24/08/2010 10:24

What Shirley said.

marantha · 24/08/2010 10:54

You've known this man for six months and he's already laying down the law?
I'm sorry six months is no time at all. Even a young person of 20 with no ties and strings and just 'courting' doesn't see six months as a long time.

I hope you're not already living with this guy, because he does sound controlling.

Original poster
ineedamiracle · 24/08/2010 11:00

We are living between both our houses and haven't spent a night apart for months. You're gonna be horrified - he wanted joint accounts after a month and opens my post. I know what is going on, it's happening right infront of my nose and I don't know what to do about it. Scared.com

OP posts:
marantha · 24/08/2010 11:01

Even if your child HAS got brattish tendencies- I can't possibly know so don't take offence, I think most men would be extremely hesistant to 'take over' the child's upbringing from its parents.
From what you've said here, my instincts say 'get rid'.

marantha · 24/08/2010 11:07

ineedamiracle. His behaviour isn't normal- if a guy I was just essentially 'courting' (I know it's only words, but perhaps if you inwardly thought of this guy as your boyfriend and not a 'partner' with all its associated promises of lifelong commitment that you must stick with for life it may help) suggested joint accounts after a month and opening my post, the warning signs would be flashing like crazy.
I'm sorry. I know this will cause you pain that nobody else can cure if you dump him -although the pain WILL pass, but I think this man is a bit nuts.

titchy · 24/08/2010 11:08

What do you mean you don't know what to do about it? It's easy - dump him NOW! You have your own place. What's the problem?

Anniegetyourgun · 24/08/2010 11:10

Joint accounts after a month of dating? Opening your post? Threatening to physically assault your child's father? Blanking you?

"Nice man"?

RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!

Oh, and "My little boy adores him, I can't let him down again by watching another man walk out of our lives"... excuse my aggressive language here but... BULLSHIT

You can't let him down by leaving him to the tender mercies of a controlling arse. You can't let him down by teaching him that this is how relationships are. This is the time he can learn one hard lesson, that people you like don't always stay in your life, in preference to a much harder lesson later on, that people you like can turn on you and mistreat you. He will get over the breakup of your relationship with somebody he currently likes (because the bloke has been on his best behaviour up till now, although even his best doesn't sound very good). On the other hand he will be in bloody therapy for years if you stick with the wrong man for a threadbare reason.

peanutbear · 24/08/2010 11:12

I have to say that ex partners do sometimes encourage bad behavior my six year old comes back from his Dads and has recently told me his dad says he doesn't need to listen to me or do as he's told

I have a 3 yr old dd who I presume is told the same thing as well

School has pointed out to me that they are also aware when my children have been to their dads

SolidGoldBrass · 24/08/2010 11:15

Get rid of the new parter. Tell him that you don't want to see him any more. If he gets aggressive, call the police. Remember he has no rights over you or your son at all and luckily you don't even live in the same house, you can just dump him and forget about him.
If you are afraid of him, then please bear in mind that he can be forced to leave you and your DS alone, to the point of being put in prison if he doesn't piss right off and never come back.

THe most important thing to do after you've dumped this bullying fuckwit is to tell your son that you dumped the man because he was bullying your son. That it was the man's fault for being a bully, that it was not a case of your partner leaving because your son was naughty - that you threw the man out.

shimmerysilverglitter · 24/08/2010 11:16

Nothing more to add to this really. Shirleyknot, great posts.

DuelingFanjo · 24/08/2010 11:16

run!

TheCrackFox · 24/08/2010 11:21

Run and run fast.

Anniegetyourgun · 24/08/2010 11:26

Fair comment as a generality, peanutbear. But do you think the boyfriend in this case is a keeper?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 24/08/2010 11:27

What Shirley said. And what SGB said. You already know the answer to this one.

Was your last partner controlling and abusive, by any chance?

Janos · 24/08/2010 11:31

6 months in and he's already behaving this? He's a controlling creep. Get rid.

Your little boy's behaviour is normal. His most definitely isn't.

shimmerysilverglitter · 24/08/2010 11:33

Do NOT let it go any further. Stop it now. That bit where you just said it is happening right in front of me and you don't know what to do about it. I know that feeling so well.

If you don't stop it now you will become more and more enmeshed and unable to see your way out.

Personally I would tell him straight out what your problems with him are and that you don't want to see him anymore and as SGB be ready to call the police if he gets unpleasant, have any stuff of his ready for him to take. No-nonsense, firmness and refusal to be swayed is the only way forward here.

I know it is easy for me to say but I did something similiar with an idiot I saw for about 2 months after I split with ex. Within weeks he was telling me that I was going to "have to make some tough decisions about the contact your kids have with their father, it may be that it can't continue", this because my ex was being shouty about me seeing someone else. My ex is a dick but he adores his kids and they him. I finished with this bloke by text but then had to see him to exchange stuff and he was a total knob making aggressive passes at me etc as if a shag was all I needed to get me back in order. Horrible. I was totally no-nonsense with him and it seemed to work.

dignified · 24/08/2010 11:51

Sorry to hear this, it sounds like your already intimidated by him , hence you allowing him to open your post ect even though you dont like it.

You will be letting your son down if you keep this guy around and teaching him that this sort of behaviour is ok. Every month that goes by it will get worse and worse. I met someone similar, and like you, i knew the signs but was too intimidated to get rid of him. I actually married him and had years of misery.

You really need to get rid. Do it via text if you need to, or have a freind present . Are you close to your parents, can they help ?

Id also recommend several books to you , why does he do that by lundy bancroft, and living with the dominater by pat evans , both are on amazon for a few quid. You also need to establish some personal boundarys so that you dont find yourself in this position again.

Order those books or look on the net, learn the warning signs of an abuser and remember that you owe him nothing, you can end this at any time simply because you want to, you dont need a reason.